I remember I told you, despite everything, I didn't regret us.
I regret ever laying eyes on you. I regret ever speaking to you. I regret falling for you. I regret kissing you. I regret sharing a bed with you and sleeping beside you. I regret showering with you. I regret having sex with you. I regret introducing you not only to my sister and my parents, but even to my extended family. I regret making plans with you. I regret letting you become part of my life. I regret ever dreaming of a future with you. I regret letting you become not only my lover, but my very first and only best friend.
But more than anything, I regret meeting you.
I thought I wouldnāt regret you because, at the very least, you proved I was capable of loving someone. For so long, I was terrified that I was incapable of love. Which hurt, as experiencing love was always my biggest dream. So I told myself that even if it ended, it would still have been worth it.
I wish I'd never fallen in love with you. I wish I'd been incapable of it. I used to believe that love was always worth the heartbreak because getting to experience it, even once, made the pain all worth it. But thatās just the kinda thing people say because it sounds beautiful. Itās actually just a load of philosophical bullshit. It isnāt true.
The love I felt wasn't worth this. And being loved wasnāt worth it either. I'd rather have never been loved at all than to be loved, only to be discarded. I'd rather have spent my life wondering what love felt like than know exactly what it feels like to watch someone fall out of love with me.
Now Iāll feel heartache far longer than I ever felt love.
