[c-dria]

Thin Ice

Chapter 4: Hospital

Summary: Ella talks to the police. She's still at the hospital

Warnings: mentions of sexual assault, mentions of violence, flashbacks.

This chapter can be triggering and it has Ella thinking about everything she did leading up to her assault. These are her inner thoughts and she is upset and scared and blaming herself.

I am absolutely not saying that anything that happened to Ella is her fault, or is it okay. She is a victim, pure and simple. I am not trying to victim blame or shame the character for going to the party or drinking or anything, I'm just trying to write her thoughts in the immediate aftermath of the brutal assault, when she still has some of the drug and alcohol in her system, she's in pain, raw from both the attack and the invasive medical exams, and she's so scared that those pictures will get out or she will get hurt again. So again, just because the character feels shame in this moment, I am not trying to say any of this is in any way her fault. Rape and sexual assault are never the victim's fault. Period.

***

Just 2 things. Just 2 things. You repeat, over and over in your head. That's what Logan said, just 2 things and then you can go home. You kept your eyes squeezed shut when the nurse took pictures.

"Ells? The detective is waiting outside. Do you want to talk to him?" Logan asks. He is sitting next to your hospital bed, your hand clutching his for dear life.

You shake your head no.

"Ella, it's okay to talk about this. You're safe now, I promise" Logan says.

He doesn't understand. They took so many pictures of you. You went to the party on an unfamiliar campus all alone. You drank from a cup handed to you by a stranger. You could have called Logan when you were on the porch, before you took the laced strawberry drink. You could have stayed at the hotel. Your breathing hitches, the thoughts of self blame swirling in your head chaotically.

"Ella, it's okay, breathe for me gorgeous, okay? Just take some deep breaths, okay?" Logan says.

You can't tell him about the pictures, and you can't tell anyone about what happened or the pictures will get out. But if you don't tell anyone, you know Logan will be disappointed in you. He'd never say it, but of course he would be. What kind of pathetic person doesn't speak up about her assault?

"Ella, all you have to do now is talk to the police. You can talk to them here, in this room, where you're safe. I'll be right by your side, okay" Logan assures you.

You don't reply. You can't. You can't look into his eyes, because you know you'll fall apart again if you do.

"I'm going to text Allie and have her bring the officer in, okay?" Logan asks, already pulling out his phone.

You swallow hard and don't respond, biting your lip.

"Ella? This is Detective Ford. He wants to ask you a few questions. Dean and I will be right outside if you need anything" Allie says by way of introduction as she enters the hospital room with a tall, balding man who's holding a tape recorder. Allie then backs out of the room, back into the hallway with Dean.

"Hi, I'm Detective Ford. I have this recording device, I'm going to set it on the counter here, it's so I don't forget anything you say and this way I only have to make you talk me through this one time." The detective sets the recorder down next to a box of medical gloves. You stare at it blankly. You can't say anything. You can't let those pictures get out.

Detective Ford turns to Logan, "Can you wait in the hall, please? It's usually easier for victims to speak if they don't have an audience"

Before Logan can react, you blurt out "No" much more forcefully than necessary.

Logan rubs his thumb reassuringly across the back of your hand. "I'm not leaving her" Logan says, his voice unwavering.

"Okay then. So I got your basic information from your friends, but just to confirm your full name is Ella Rose Byrne, date of birth December 12th, and you're a student at Briar University?" The detective asks, taking out a notebook and pen

You nod your head yes.

"I'm sorry, for the sake of the recording, I need you to answer verbally" the detective explains

"Ye-yes, that information is all correct" you say softly

"What brings you to New Haven tonight, Ella"

"I came here yesterday, with some friends to support Briar's hockey team. They had games yesterday and today and another game tomorrow."

"What did you do today, starting around noon?"

"I was at lunch, with Allie and some other Briar students who came here to watch the hockey team. And then we went back to the hotel and got changed for the game, and then I went to the rink."

"Okay, and then?" The detective prompts.

"I um, watched the game and it was, um, rough. Not like just physically, like I know hockey always is, but it was also...I don't know, it was just a difficult game. And afterwards I went to talk to Logan but like I said, it was a hard game and he wasn't in the best mood and I, I, uh I snapped at him and we argued and I went back to the hotel alone" you ramble, looking down in shame. Your argument with Logan seems so petty and small given everything else that happened. Logan squeezes your hand, encouraging you to keep going. "Back at the hotel, I was upset and Allie had told me about this party on New Haven's campus and we have a room together, her, Hannah, Jules, and I and we were all planning on going to the party, except Hannah, she and Garrett were going to go see light house or something? I'm not sure but they weren't going to go to the party. And then Jules decided they wanted to hang out with some of the team, they were just staying at the hotel and ordering pizza and swimming I think. And Allie and I were getting ready, she did my makeup and we got dressed up together" you stop and take a breath, unsure of how to go on.

"I have to ask this next question, and it's not a judgement, but I need you to tell me what you were wearing tonight, down to socks and underwear, okay? It's important that I get that documented." Detective Ford says.

You swallow hard and look down. "I um, I was wearing jeans and socks and little ankle boots, they're black. And I borrowed a shirt from Allie, it was purple."

"Were you wearing any undergarments?"

You blush furiously. "Yes, of - of course I was"

"Miss Byrne, I'm only asking because when you were found, you weren't wearing any. I need to know if these were items that you were wearing this evening and were taken from you or if you didn't wear any to begin with"

You bite your lip and stare down at your lap. "I had on a black bra and um, a pink thong" you whisper, shame coursing through your entire body. Logan squeezes your hand.

"Okay, thank you. So you're at the hotel, Allie is doing your makeup, and then what?" Detective Ford asks

"Allie was texting Dean, and she decided to stay with him. But I was still upset after my fight with Logan so I didn't want to risk seeing him at the hotel so I, I um, I left and I..." your voice trails off

"What were you two fighting about?"

"It was stupid, she was trying to cheer me up after the game and I lost my temper. I said things I didn't mean" Logan jumped in.

"Miss Byrne?" Detective Ford prompts, looking at you.

"Like I said, it was a really rough game and Logan puts so much pressure on himself because he's going to play in the NHL and I said he should lighten up and we could go to the party and I asked him..." you trail off, remembering exactly what you said. You can picture it clearly in your head;

The rink was quickly clearing out, only Dean and Logan remained by the bench.

"I can't just let go, Ella. Life doesn't work like that. I have worked so hard to get here." Logan rants at you through the arena glass

"It's just one night Logan, god what's the worst that could happen if you just live a little?" You snapped back at him.

"Ella? Hey it's okay, you're safe now, I need you to breathe for me, okay? Take a deep breath for me Ells" you hear Logan's voice, strained as he attempts to sound calm even though internally he is livid that someone hurt you and he feels immeasurable guilt for not going with you to the party, for not keeping you safe.

You struggle to take a deep breath, desparate to obey, to do what he says.

Two voices are at war in your head. The louder, more vicious one keeps repeating Matt's words; "No? ... You hear that? I think she wants some more." This voice is a painful reminder of what happened the last time you dared to say no. The other voice is more composed, reminding you that you're no longer in that room, that you're with Logan, who would never, ever do anything to hurt you.

"Ella? Ella, c'mon just take one breath for me please" you hear Logan's voice, pleading. With your heart pounding in your ears, he sounds far away.

"Miss Byrne? What happened after that?" You hear the detective ask but everything is too loud, too bright. The room goes blurry and you feel tears coursing hot and wet down your cheeks. You hear a flurry of beeps and there are more people in the room, more voices overlapping but you can't understand a word. Your chest is tight.

Too tight. You can't breathe.

You open your mouth and you taste the salt of your tears but nothing is coming in, your lungs won't work. Blacks spots dance in your vision and the last thing you feel is the warmth of Logan's hand disappear as everything goes dark.

***Logan's POV

"Ella? Ella c'mon just take one breath for me please" Logan urges. Dammit, how could you let her go out alone? Why weren't you with her? Logan thinks to himself, bitterly. The blood has drained from Ella's face and she's white as a sheet. Her eyes are wild, not focusing on anything or anyone. She looks so scared that Logan swears he can feel his heart break watching her panic. Ella's crying noiselessly and her mouth is hanging open but she's not saying anything. Christ it doesn't even look like she's breathing. Her heart monitor is beeping more rapidly and 2 nurses burst in and start bustling around. One holds up Ella's arm and slips a needle in. Ella goes still for a moment, before she collapses bonelessly into the bed, her eyes still wide open.

It is the scariest thing Logan has ever seen.

One of the nurses shoves Logan and Detective Ford into the hallway.

"She's done answering questions tonight" the nurse announces, her tone leaving no room for discussion.

The detective tries to hand Logan a business card but Logan is too focused on Ella, lying completely still in the hospital bed. Allie grabs the card for him.

"Call me tomorrow. I can come to your hotel or you can bring her to the police station, but I will need a statement" Detective Ford says. Then he walks away, leaving Allie and Dean standing in the hallway. Dean arrives, holding coffees. He hands one to Allie before turning to Logan.

"Hey man, here. How are you holding up?" Logan doesn't answer, he just stares into Ella's room.

The nurse who cleared Ella's room walks up to them and directs them to a little conference room down the hall. Once inside, Dean leads Logan into a chair before he and Allie sit down at the table as well.

"Logan, I need you to talk to me man" Dean says.

A full minute passes before Allie snaps her fingers at Logan. "Hey, earth to hockeyman! We're all freaking out here. You have to say something"

Logan slowly looks up. "I yelled at her. She was just trying to cheer me up after the game and I yelled at her. I made her cry. And then I didn't check on her until one in the fucking morning. And then she...she looked so scared when we found her. And that sound she made? I'll never be able to forget that sound. She was so scared and bleeding and she fucking flinched away from me"

Allie reaches out and places both of her hands on Logan's arm. "She's safe now. And she was still so drugged when we found her, she didn't know. She wasn't flinching away from you personally, she couldn't control her body. She knows you wouldn't ever hurt her" Allie says in a soothing tone.

The nurse comes in holding a prescription. "This is for 800 mg ibuprofen and levonorgestrel, it's the morning after pill. Please fill this and make sure your friend takes both first thing tomorrow morning. She should wake up in a few more minutes and then she's good to go home. I'll start drawing up her discharge paperwork" she hands the prescription to Allie and leaves. Logan rushes back to Ella's room, the coffee long forgotten on the table.

[c-dria]

Thin Ice

Chapter 3: The Hospital

Warnings: mentions of Ella's assault, rape kit, and panic attacks.

Beep beep beep

You don't recognize that sound. What is beeping? You try to open your eyes and let out a whimper.

"Ella? Ells, can you hear me?" You hear a deep voice ask. John you think. He's here. Where is here? You open your mouth and it's dry as sand, and just taking a breath hurts.

"Ella, look at me, please say something. Say anything sweetheart" Logan pleads. You slowly turn your head towards the sound of his voice. "Ells, thank god you're awake."

Logan reaches up behind your head and you startle, throwing your head back deeper into the pillow and a whimper escapes your lips.

"I'm sorry, I'm just hitting the call button, I'm sorry Ella. You're safe here, it's okay" Logan assures you, sitting back down next to you, your hand encased in his.

A nurse comes in and smiles. "Welcome Back miss Ella, you gave us quite a scare. How are you feeling?"

Your eyes widen and you try to curl deeper into the bed.

"Is okay hun, I'm just checking your vitals. Does anything hurt? I can get some pain killers if you need them" her hands flutter around you. She appears oblivious to how your body flinches again and again as she adjusts your IV and touches various buttons.

Logan is watching you, the fear clearly evident on your face.

"Should the drugs have worn off by now? Why is she still not talking?" Logan asks the nurse

"Everyone reacts a little differently. We don't even know what she was given, all date rape drugs affect people a little differently. She'll talk when she's ready." The nurse hums as she leaves the room

You hear the nurse's footsteps fade away but you remain tensed up, curled into the bed, willing yourself to be smaller, to disappear.

"Hey Ells, it's okay. It's just us now. You're safe here" Logan says softly. You look up at him and see his big brown eyes are wide with concern. "Can you say something for me Ella? Please? Just say one word, any word Ells, please" Logan pleads

You keep looking into his eyes. You want so badly to talk. You want to do what he says. You open your mouth again but nothing comes out. I'm sorry you think, wishing Logan could read your thoughts.

Allie walks in, with Dean right behind her.

"Hey Ella, I have to ask you something, and I want you to know that no matter what your answer is, I'm here for you, okay" Allie says as she sits down next to Logan. "The way we found you, it seems likely that you were...um...that something happened. And when something like that happens, there are tests and, uh, things that need to be done. So Ella," Allie says, "do you want to do a rape kit?"

You stare at her blankly. You can't talk about it. You can't talk about anything. You decide to just stare at her, hopefully she will leave again. You can't do a rape kit. You can't let those pictures get out. You can't let Logan see those pictures. Logan squeezes your hand and suddenly you can't sit still, it's too much that you're laying down in a room with three other people. You struggle to sit upright, gasping in pain as you move your limbs. You manage to sit up, Logan is still holding your hand.

"Ella?" Allie says uncertainly. "Ella, hey, can you hear me?"

You nod at her, slowly.

Allie breathes a sigh of relief. "Good, okay good Ella. So I'm going to get the nurse and I'll be right back"

Dean follows Allie out into the hallway.

Logan smiles at you, but it doesn't reach his eyes. "Ella, I'm so, incredibly sorry about tonight. I shouldn't have yelled at you after the game. I should have checked on you afterwards. I should have gone to the party with you, I should have protected you. I love you Ella"

You squeeze his hand. He smiles softly.

Allie comes back with a nurse and a police officer.

"Okay, everyone out" the nurse says authoritatively.

Your eyes fly to Logan and you open your mouth once more and manage to rasp out a singular word, "stay"

Logan nods, and stares at the nurse, his face showing he's serious about not leaving your side. The nurse sighs but doesn't push the issue. She hands the officer a clipboard and a pen, telling her to mark everything off as it's done. The nurse then turns to you, donning a fresh set of gloves, and says "we already took some blood samples, but I need to take swabs still. Open wide please"

You oblige. The swab feels rough. The nurse swabs your mouth 3 more times before telling you to spread your legs. Trembling, you follow her orders, squeezing Logan's hand as hard as you can while the nurse probes your sore amd swollen vagina with the swabs.

"Turn over, please" the nurse orders

You do, leaning forward so you don't have to let go of Logan's hand while you flip. The nurse repeats her process. You continue squeezing Logan's hand. The nurse then cuts the fingernails of your left hand and stares pointedly at your right hand, still holding onto Logan. Logan reaches over you and grabs your left hand before letting go of your right so the nurse can cut those fingernails too.

"I need you to take off the hospital gown now," the nurse says to you

You look at Logan first, then the nurse and shake your head no.

"I'm sorry Ella, but the gown needs to come off. I need to take pictures of all of your injuries" the nurse explains

Pictures. He has pictures. They took so many pictures. No. No more pictures. No.

Your whole body is trembling and when the nurse reaches for the ties of your hospital gown, you cry out "no I can't, I can't do this, please don't, he said I can't, I can't, please don't, no"

Logan pulls you to the side of the bed and wraps his arms around you protectively. "It's okay Ells, I've got you. You're safe now" he whispers, holding you tightly against his chest.

"Who is he, Ella?" The officer asks

"No please I can't, he said I can't say anything, please don't make me, please, I don't want to, I don't want him to hurt me again" you cry into Logan's chest

"She needs time" Logan says, dismissing both the nurse and the officer. They leave the room with no further questions or arguments.

"Is okay Ella, I've got you, it's just us. You don't have to do anything, okay? It's okay. You're safe now, I've got you" Logan murmurs as he sits down next to you on the hospital bed, encasing you in his arms.

You press your head against his chest, focusing on the steady rise and fall of his breaths. Only after your own breathing has calmed, does Logan lean away ever so slightly so he can look down at you.

"Ells" he says softly, "I am not telling you what to do. I will not force you to do anything you don't want to do." He looks directly into my eyes as he says that, pausing and letting his statements sink in before he continues. "You were hurt tonight. Someone hurt you. And there are a lot of people here who want to help you and who want to make sure he doesn't hurt you or anyone else again. The officer says all that's left is taking pictures and then taking your statement. That's only 2 things, okay? And I will not leave your side for either. I will be right here, holding your hand." He pauses again, still staring deeply into my eyes. "Ella, can we do those two things? And then I'll take you home."

You look back at him helplessly. "I can't do pictures" you whisper, "and he said, he said I can't tell anyone, he said he'd - oh god I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I can't, I'm sorry, please" you bury your face into Logan's chest again, fresh tears flowing down your face.

Logan says nothing, just holds you tightly and lets you cry, whispering into your hair that you're safe now, he's not going to let anyone hurt you, you're safe. Internally though, Logan is pissed. All he can think about is how you looked laying on the sidewalk, your eye swollen shut, the blood, the way you flinched away from him. Logan can't fathom how anyone could do this to you. You seem so small, trembling in his arms.

Notes:

I'm not sure if I know how to write Ella giving a statement at the police station or if I should just skip that.

[c-dria]

This Ice

This is chapter 2 of Thin Ice, a very dark hurt/comfort Off Campus fic.

Chapter 2: Found

"Where were you?" Logan asks Dean as Dean enters their hotel room.

"A gentleman doesn't kiss and tell" Dean smirks as he heads into the bathroom.

"So you were with Allie. Figures." Logan says. "How's Ella?" He asks

"Ella? She wasn't there. Just Allie and I" Dean says as he waggles his eyebrows suggestively.

"No, Ella said she was going out with Allie. There was a party or something." Logan says

"Oh, I don't know about that. But Allie is still upstairs. I'm going to shower and then do you want to..."

Logan has left the room before Dean can finish his sentence.

Thud thud thud thud thud Logan's fist pounds on Allie's door.

"What could you possibly have forgotten Dean" Allie sighs as she opens the door. "Oh, Logan hey"

"Where's Ella?" Logan demands

"I don't know"

"Why not? You were both going to a party, right? Did she still go? Who went with her"? Logan barks

"Okay you need to calm down. Ella did go to the party. She's supposed to text me by 10 to check in, let me grab my phone"

Logan glares at Allie impatiently while she checks her phone. Allie frowns. "Nothing from her. Maybe she just lost track of time, let me call her"

It seems like the phone rings forever before your cheerful voice says "hi! This is Ella, I'm sorry I missed your call..." Allie leaves a quick voicemail asking for you to call her back and sends a text as well. "It's probably loud there. She'll call me when she sees it" Allie says, unconcerned.

"It's 1am. She should have come back to the hotel by now. Where was the party?" Logan asks

"I'm not sure, Ella heard about it at the game" Allie says

Logan glares at Allie. "Who else would know?"

"I don't know. Why are you interrogating me? Why don't you know where your girlfriend is, Logan?"

Logan doesn't answer. Instead, he runs his hand through his hair and stalks out of Allie's room, back to his own.

Dean is already dressed, sitting on his bed.

"Have you seen Ella since the game?" Logan asks

"You mean since she ran out of the rink in tears? No, I haven't." Dean retorts. "Have you called her? Or wait, don't you still have her location? From when she got lost in the corn maze last month?"

Shit, oh yeah Logan remembers, pulling out his phone. "This says she's on the road sonewhere"

Dean looks over Logan's shoulder. "That's not too far from here. Have you tried to call her?"

Logan fights the urge to roll his eyes. "Of course, I've called her a dozen times but she's not answering. She could just be mad about earlier, but I'm still worried"

"Okay, so let's go find her. Is Jules awake? They have your keys, right?"

"I have keys, I gave them my spare set to drive up here" Logan says.

"Okay, so let's go" Dean starts walking towards the door.

When they get outside, Allie is waiting by Logan's car. "I called her a few more times and she hasn't answered. I'm starting to worry" she says as she climbs into the backseat.

Dean drives while Logan navigates. When they get to the bus stop, Logan is out of the car before Dean even puts it in park.

Y/n's pov:

You've been laying on the cold sodewalk for what feels like hours, unable to move your legs or arms, barely able to move your fingers. It's freezing and your jacket is back at that house somewhere. You see a car pull up, it's headlights blinding and a loud thud as a man jumps out of the car.

Oh god please don't let it be them. Please don't let them have come back. You can't take any more abuse tonight.

"Ella? Oh my god Ells, oh shit, oh my god" Logan stammers, kneeling beside you.

The sudden movement startles you and you flinch backwards. You open your mouth but instead of words what comes out is a broken wail that you don't even recognize as your own voice. Logan immediately freezes and backs up, his hands up, palms facing you, the way you approach a wounded animal. "Ella" he says, his voice breaking

"Fuck" Dean says, standing back by the side of the road.

"Dean, call 911. She's bleeding." Allie orders. She steps towards you slowly and lowers herself down on the ground. "Logan, grab the blanket from the trunk" she says.

Logan stays frozen, his eyes wide is shock and fury as he takes in all of your injuries, the fact that your shirt is on backwards and you're barefoot, the blood that has seeped through your jeans, your eye that's swollen shut.

"Logan!" Allie commands, but still, Logan remains still, staring at your broken body curled up on the cold, hard ground.

Dean gets the blanket and hands it to Allie, who wraps it around you the best she can.

"Ella, can you hear me? It's okay, you're not alone. Can you sit up for me please?" Allie murmurs

The drug is still in your system. You open your mouth and try, but again, only a mangled sob escapes.

"It's okay Ella, it's okay now. You're safe. I'm here, Dean's here, Logan is here. We got you now, okay? Dean called an ambulance, it'll be okay" Allie murmurs as she lays down next to you on the sidewalk, taking your hand in hers.

Dean is looking at Logan. Logan stays as still and silent as a statue while the ambulance arrives. A police car comes too, the lights and sirens deafening in the silent of the dark night.

The paramedic tells Allie to back up but when she starts to stand up, you use all your strength to squeeze her hand, a silent plea for her to stay. Allie stays. The paramedic keeps asking questions you can't answer. Allie is trying but all she knows is you went to a party on campus.

Once you're on the stretcher, the paramedic starts to strap you down, so you won't fall while they wheel you into the ambulance and you panic, trying in vain to resist but your limbs feel like they're encased in concrete. Allie squeezes your hand reassuringly and whispers "it's okay, you're safe now Ella. This is okay, they're going to help you, just breathe Ella I'm here, I'm here with you, it's okay now."

You hear Dean talking to the police officer and lock eyes with Logan, who is still standing and staring at you, not speaking. When the ambulance doors close, the last thing you see is Logan, his eyes wide. He looks as terrified as you feel.

"And his phone number? Again, I'll need to get it directly from his phone" the officer says to Dean, motioning towards Logan.

Dean nods, "of course" he says, reaching into Logan's back pocket and handing the officer Logan's phone. "What hospital is she going to?"

"St. Michaels. But it might be a while before anyone is allowed to see her. Do you know if she knows anyone at this school, maybe she met up with a friend or something?"

"No, I don't think she knows anyone here. She's here to watch our hockey games. Allie, the girl who went in the ambulance, she said they were going to go to a party on campus together but I don't know where on campus or if anyone else was going with them. Allie decided not to go, she stayed at the hotel with me."

"Okay, thank you. Are you going to the hospital?" The officer asked

"Yes, we are" said Dean

"Okay. I might have more questions for you there, but you're good to go."

"Thank you, officer" says Dean. He turns to Logan. "C'mon man, let's go to the hospital"

Logan lets Dean lead him back to the car.

[c-dria]

Thin Ice

This is a fic about Off Campus.

Summary:

Ella is in a relationship with John Logan. They argue after one of his games at an away tournament and Ella goes to a party alone. She is drugged and assaulted and left at a bus stop and found by John Logan, Dean, and Allie. She goes to the hospital. Lots of PTSD, flinching, Ella learning to trust again.

This first chapter is extremely dark. It's possibly the darkest thing I've written. It is graphic and horrible and could be triggering. Please read at your own risk. The rest of the chapters are much less dark, they are mainly hurt/comfort, John comforting Ella and helping her heal. It is possible to read the rest of the chapters without reading this first one.

Warnings for this chapter: violence, sexual assault, drugs, rape,

Chapter 1: The Party

The party is not like the parties at the hockey house. The floor here is sticky and the music is deafening. You stand against the wall, trying to decide if you should just leave when a boy saunters up to you holding a bottle of tequila.

"Have you been here before, gorgeous?" He asks

"No, I um, no I haven't" you reply

"Well then, welcome. I'm Kyle." He introduces himself then takes a swig from the bottle of cuervo, staring at you expectantly.

You smile before saying "my name is Ella."

Kyle holds out the bottle, offering it to you

"You seem like a tequila girl, Ella"

You laugh and accept the bottle, taking a small sip and try to hand it back to Kyle.

"Oh c'mon, that was like a baby sip! This is a party Ella"

You take a deep breath before thinking fuck it, he's right and take another, much larger drink from the bottle. Kyle smiles and pulls you towards the dance floor, where you sway and continue to pass the bottle back and forth.

The room is starting to spin and you lean in towards Kyle and tell him you need some air. You stagger towards the door, each step difficult. When you reach the back door, you collapse onto the back porch outside. You pull your phone from your jeans and pull up your messages. Your finger hovers over John's name, and all you want to do is call him, but then you remember his biting remarks after the game and sigh. You open snapchat instead and post a picture of yourself on your private story. Kyle and another guy come outside and sit down on either side of you.

"Ella, this is Matt." Kyle says by way of introduction

They are both holding red solo cups.

"It's strawberry surprise, my own creation," Matt brags, "It's much sweeter than straight tequila" he says, motioning for Kyle to hand you the cup.

You hesitate, glancing down at your phone again.

"Boyfriend trouble?" Kyle asks

"No. Not tonight" you say decisively, setting your phone down and accepting the cup. You take a sip and realize it's delicious and take another, much larger sip.

"Atta girl Ella" Kyle cheers

"You were at the hockey game today, right?" Matt asks

"Yep" you reply

"Do you want to go back inside?" Kyle asks

Grinning, you nod enthusiastically as you finish the rest of your drink. When trying to stand up, you struggle a bit, with everything spinning but Matt grabs your arm and helps you.

Back inside, both Matt and Kyle dance with you. The party is winding down a little and you try to leave, taking two steps towards the door before Kyle pulls you back.

"I have to goooooo" you slur, struggling weakly against Kyle's grip. The whole room is spinning and it's all you can do to stay upright.

"You can't leave now girl, the party's just getting started" Matt appears on your other side, one arm around your waist, steering you towards the stairs.

"No I don wannn nooo" you protest "I have a boy-"

"Yeah we know. We know all about your boyfriend Ella. He thinks he can humiliate us on the ice and get away with it? Not in my house" Matt snarls.

You've reached the stairs now but you stop, refusing to go any further.

Kyle holds out the bottle of tequila again, an offering.

You shake your head no, "I want to go home, let go" you say with more confidence than you feel.

"Nope. This is happening Ella" Matt pushes you onto Kyle and takes the bottle from him.

"Open wide" he orders you.

You shake your head no and press your lips together.

"Wrong answer girl" Matt says, and he grabs your jaw and forces your mouth open and jams the bottle inside.

"Swallow." He orders. You try not to swallow but he tilts your head back and you swallow.

Matt and Kyle half lead, half carry you upstairs and into a bedroom and dump you unceremoniously onto a bed. Before you can try to move or stand up, Matt gets on the bed too and yanks down your jeans, exposing your baby pink thong. He whistles in appreciation. "Well look at this" he snaps the g-string against you before tearing it off of you. "I told you she wanted this Kyle. These are 'fuck me' panties"

"Stop I don't want -" you protest, still trying to push Matt off of you but your limbs don't seem to be working.

"Shhh girl, don't wear yourself out yet, you're going to be using your mouth all night long" Matt threatens as he tears your shirt off, exposing a lacy black bra. "Oh god fuck yes. Kyle, are you taking pictures? Here, get this one" Matt orders, pulling your face towards his and jamming his tongue in your mouth while he roughly squeezes your breasts. You see a flash and start to cry. Matt takes off your bra, leaving you completely naked on the bed. There are more flashes and then Matt is behind you, pulling you up so you're on all fours on the bed. His hands are rough, and you open your mouth and try to scream but Matt grabs a fistful of your hair and yanks your head back, cutting off the sound. Then Kyle is standing in front of you and his dick is right in your face and he grips your face with both hands before ramming his dick into your mouth, while Matt has started thrusting behind you, rough and violent. You're certain this is going to kill you. The more you struggle, the worse it hurts.

You hope this is going to kill you

You think desparately of John, your sweet, gentle, boyfriend who would never, ever hurt you like this.

You see several more flashes go off.

You close your eyes and beg for this to all be over.

Eventually, Matt stops. Kyle stops too. You collapse onto the bed, the room still spinning. There are more flashes.

"C'mon, get dressed girl" Matt orders, throwing your jeans at you. You lay still as the denim hits you.

The room is still spinning and you can't make your arms work. You try to grab the jeans but you can't.

"C'mon, I said get dressed" Matt grumbles, sitting back down on the bed next to you.

"No no no no no" you whimper, terrified of Matt being this close to you again.

"No? No you don't want to get dressed? You hear that Kyle? I think she wants some more" Matt's eyes glint dangerously. He straddles you, forcing you down onto your back. He rubs his penis against your already bruised and swollen vagina and you yelp in pain. You lift your right arm and swing it around wildly. It makes contact with something hard. His chest? Maybe? Or his arm? Suddenly, your head snaps sideways and the left side of your face explodes with pain.

"You shouldn't try that again" Matt taunts, as he starts to grind into me again. His thrusts are fast and furious, each one hurting worse than the last. When he's finally done, he sits you upright and puts your jeans back on, then your shirt too. He shoves your shoes into Kyle's hands before picking you up and walking you back downstairs and then outside. He opens a car door and dumps you in the backseat. He gets in the driver's seat, Kyle in the passenger seat.

"Don't you dare throw up in my car" Matt warns as he starts driving.

2 minutes later he stops the car and gets out. He opens your door and pulls you from the car. You're at a bus stop. Kyle drops your shoes next to you and gets back in the car.

"Remember Ella, I have pictures from tonight. Think about that before you open your mouth." Matt warns as he gets back in his car and drives away.

[bucky-bucky-bucky-bucky]

Bucky Barnes Angst!

Hi, friends! Welcome to angst-central! I love me some Bucky Barnes angst, and I hope you enjoy my angsty posts :)

Find my Ko-Fi here!

All in My Head | Your perfect boyfriend Bucky just wants to take you dancing, and his sweeping romantic gesture is almost too good to be true.

The Ballad of Love and Hate | angst and fluff: Bucky refuses to open up to you even after you've moved in together. You need some time away to think while Bucky spirals due to your absence.

Begin Again | Bucky broke up with you six months for an unspecified reason, leaving you absolutely heartbroken. When he shows up on your doorstep, your feelings come rushing back.

Blood on My Hands | A text from Sam sparks anxiety about Bucky’s state of mind after his most recent mission, and all you want to do is fix it for him.

Burning the Midnight Oil | Bucky says he’s okay. He tells you that he just can’t fall asleep, but his continuous absence from your bedroom spells trouble.

Call Me When You Get This | Bucky always worries about your safety, but his anxiety gets worse when he’s away on a mission. He doesn’t hear from you for an entire day, and it makes him spiral.

Chemical Imbalance | Bucky finally returns from his latest mission, and goin and you can’t wait to see him. But when his old instincts resurface, the two of you are forced apart.

Clean Up Crew | You’d do anything for your best friend Bucky. And when he calls you in the middle of the night with a strange request, you jump at the chance to help him.

Damaged | It’s date night, but your chronic pain is rearing its ugly head. Bucky spends the night worrying about you and trying to care for you.

Dark Reflection | A particularly dark night terror wakes Bucky in a panic. He reaches for you and finds your side of the bed empty, save for a few drops of blood.

Darling, You Will Bury Me Before I Bury You | You know Bucky is a super soldier, but you worry about how long he'll be around. He is 106, after all.

Documentary Now | In his free time, Bucky wants to catch up on all of your favorite movies and tv shows, but he stumbles upon something darker.

Do You Want to Die Together? | Bucky’s lost a lot of people in his life, and it’s only a matter of time before he starts thinking about losing you.

Double Agent | Bucky can’t control his rage as he sees you, a former Hydra operative, joining the team. His fury is quelled, however, when you reveal the truth about your past.

Double Agent: Part 2 | A nightmare violently wakes you up, but Bucky is there to take care if you. After calming down, you tell him every last detail of your time under Hydra.

Double Agent: Part 3 | All Bucky wants is for you to get some rest, but there’s no way you can sleep. He picks your brain over some breakfast, and learns more about your past.

Double Agent: Part 4 | Things between you and Bucky improve consistently, and you quickly become close friends. But one unfortunate middle of the night event sends the two of you back two square one.

Dust to Dust | Bucky’s on a long mission, and you’re preparing for his return home. But Sam has some unfortunate news that shakes you to your core.

End of Story | An injury forces you to examine Bucky’s mortality head on and talk about things you never wanted to admit.

Excuses | An unexpected relapse of Bucky’s Winter Soldier mindset makes him do something he doesn’t remember- the worst thing he’s ever done.

False Reality | Running into an unpleasant person from your past sends you into a shame spiral. Bucky gets you home and takes care of you- reminding you of your worth.

Family Man | More than anything, Bucky wants you to be happy. He’d do anything to help you find someone, no matter how much it hurts him.

Fixer Upper | Bucky knows he’s got issues. But with your help, he’s been making great strides. His long recovery seems to be going well, but he wonders how long you’ll stick around.

Happiness is a Butterfly | You never expected to meet the Bucky Barnes somewhere so mundane, but bumping into him at the grocery store leads to a first date.

Haunted | You and Bucky have finally admitted your feelings for each other, but when he hurts you by accident, he runs. You're left to pick up the pieces in his absence.

Help me | Bucky wakes from a night terror and divulges the details of a particular horrifying memory- one he’s never shared with anyone.

Hold My Hand | Keeping your emotional struggles to yourself is just the way you operate, until Bucky wakes one to find you sobbing.

Home | Bucky is your best friend in the compound and your favorite person to spend time with until he ices you out completely.

Hopelessly Devoted | Yet another failed date leaves you tired of being alone. Bucky makes it his mission to help you feel better, and ends up making a surprising confession.

I’ll Show You Mine | Bucky’s nightmares get to him each and every night, but he refuses to ask for help- until one night, he knocks on your door.

I’ll Never Smile Again | Part two of Honey, Come Home | Bucky’s mission keeps getting extended, leaving you sad and alone.

I’ll Wear Your Ring | Bucky loved you. He gave you a ring and asked you to be his wife- and then he left without a trace.

I Never Learned to Read Your Mind | Bucky broke up with you just over a month ago, yet gets jealous after seeing you with another man.

It Feels Easier to Just Swim Down | Several unanswered texts make Bucky work about you, and he ends up at your apartment to check in on you. What he finds breaks his heart.

It Will Come Back | Bucky is your very best friend but he’s very hot and cold toward you, so you confront him.

It’s My Party and I’ll Cry if I Want to | It’s a special night- the night of your birthday party. But Bucky has yet to show up.

Just in Case | On the run after the events of Civil War, Bucky hasn’t gotten nearly enough sleep. You offer to sit with him, and he makes an off putting request.

Let Go | Bucky knows there’s something you’re hiding from him, and all he wants is to help. But you remain closed off and tight lipped until everything falls apart.

Like a Secret, Like an Oath | Bucky never misses an opportunity to give you a kiss or hold your hand- unless the team is around.

Long Gone | The greatest tragedy of your life, Bucky’s disappearance in the blip, finally comes to an end when he returns home- but is he really back?

Lost Without You | Your mission team returns home safely… without you. Bucky launches into an investigation, doing everything he can to get you back.

Love Language | You notice that Bucky has started pulling away from your usual physical affection, and it makes you rethink the way you show your love.

Lucky | A dicey mission has Bucky looking a little worse for wear. You’re already worried about him, but he makes a comment that sends your anxiety into overdrive.

Making Amends | You’ve never seen the inside of Bucky’s secret little notebook, and when you accidentally take a glance, you can’t believe what you find.

Metamorphosis | Bucky never anticipated meeting someone like you, let alone befriending you. He bares his soul to you, showing you every dark corner of his mind, and you help him become a new man.

Monster Mash | A Halloween party goes very south when you and Bucky are met face to face with someone from both of your pasts.

Muscle Memory | Things with Bucky are perfect until he touches you in a way that brings back terrible memories.

Necessary Evil | when you end up hurt after a mission, Bucky is tasked with taking care of you. But you’ve never experienced pain like this before.

Never Alone | Bucky is afraid of who he is deep down, and thinks leaving is the best option for the both of you.

Nothing Fucks With My Baby | Bucky shows up late to a Shield party and finds out that a new agent made you uncomfortable. He takes care of it.

Nowhere to Go | Bucky’s temporary living situation falls through and he needs a place to crash, but he’s too embarrassed to ask for help.

Old Habits | Bucky’s old Winter Soldier training starts rearing its head, causing him to become more protective of you than ever before.

Packed Bags | Bucky comes home to find your things neatly packed into a suitcase, and he does everything he can to convince you not to leave him.

Penance | Bucky comes home from a mission bloody and injured. You want him to get some medical attention, but he refuses.

Protect Yourself | Bucky worries endlessly about your safety and just wants you to know how to keep yourself safe. Unfortunately, you end up injured in the process and he blames himself.

Put My Mind at Ease | You return home from a successful mission with plans to have a pizza night with Bucky- but things go awry when an injury rears it’s head.

The Quiet | Bucky is gone all the time on mission after mission, fulfilling his duties as an Avenger- but is he doing too much?

Revenge | A mission gone sideways finds you bloodied on the floor of a Hydra base, and Bucky knows exactly who’s to blame.

Safe With Me | A mission goes sideways, putting you in the hands of a notorious Hydra arms dealer. Upon returning home, your well-being takes a turn for the worst, but Bucky is there for you.

Self-Inflicted | A strange sound wakes you up in the middle of the night, and you discover a sleeping Bucky covered blood.

She Never Asked Me Once About the Wrong I Did | Bucky comes home from a mission, racked with guilt and covered in blood that isn't his. He needs comfort and safety and that only you can provide.

Somebody’s Watching Me | Bucky knows you’re being stalked by the creepy guy who frequents your work place, but you shrug it off- until the man takes things a little too far.

That’s My Girl | Bucky hates when you go on missions without him, and he counts the hours till you return. When you end up in the med bay without him knowing why, he loses it.

Til it Happens to You | An unsavory encounter with an old friends leaves Bucky picking up your broken pieces.

Unanswered Letters | Bucky is your best friend in the Avengers compound...until he leaves with no warning. His return is confusing and complicated for the both of you.

Under the Influence | Girls night out with Nat and Wanda gets ruined by a particularly creepy stranger, and Bucky spends the night taking care of you.

Unforgivable | Bucky can’t contain himself when you defy his orders on a mission and out yourself in danger.

Unhinged | An argument between you and Bucky gets a little out of hand, prompting him to leave with no intention of returning.

Watch You Sleep (sequel to Just in Case) | Bucky falls asleep in your lap and finally gets the rest he deserves. One tiny mistake by you wakes him, however, leading to a violent outburst.

Weak Link | Bucky is your favorite person to work with on missions, and you’re partnered together every time- until someone keeps changing things up last minute, making you doubt your friendship with him.

What Could Go Wrong? | A SWORD function at the compound has Bucky feeling uneasy. He can’t seem to stop himself from checking up on you, but you swear to him that you’re not in danger- you’re wrong.

Winter in my Heart | Bucky just can’t get a handle on his emotions as he tries to adjust to a normal life with you.

The Words | While out with you at the store, Bucky encounters something from his past that messes with his head.

The World Stopped Moving | A mission gone wrong leaves you and Bucky both gravely injured.

Unforgivable | Bucky is your closest friend, he’s the person you care about most. But things take a negative turn when he snaps at you in front everyone.

You Don’t Own Me | Bucky’s wounds land him in the med bay after a mission, much to his dismay. A particular scar of his catches your eye, forcing Bucky to unravel even more of his traumatic past.

Yours | Bucky loves being your boyfriend, but he knows he's got a lot of baggage. He worries that it's too much for you, so you talk him through it.

You're Here Now | Bucky always begs you to lock the front door, but you're forgetful. Too bad you forgot to lock it the day Hydra came after you to get back at Bucky...

Find my Bucky smut here 🔥

Find my Bucky fluff here 🥰

[rocket-sith]

Reblog if you write fic and people can inbox you random-ass questions about your stories, itemized number lists be damned.

[c-dria]

The Hydra Healer

Chapter 8: The Party

Warnings: alcohol, flinching, panic attack, attempted sexual assault (mild)

“So this is a normal thing?” You ask, watching as Wanda takes her strange hot stick and wraps another lock of your hair around it.

“Yes, Tony likes to throw parties and invite very rich, important people. They're usually at least a little fun.” Wanda explains, admiring her handiwork. She has been curling your hair for almost an hour. It looks so different than your usual rat's nest that no matter how many times you brush through with your fingers, there always seem to be more knots. You carefully touch one of the curls, amazed as is bounces up and down while maintaining its curl. “It's so beautiful, thank you Wanda!” You exclaim.

“You are beautiful, myshka” Natasha smiles at you, entering the bathroom with three different dresses on her arm. “So, which one of these do you like? I have others too, if you want to see more.”

Your jaw drops as she holds up each dress one by one. They're all stunning, and more fancy than anything you've ever seen, let alone worn before. The first one is a floor length, sky blue gown with white lace trim. The second is dark purple velvet with a plunging neckline and a jeweled shoulder strap. The last one she holds up is a dark mauve gown with a sweetheart neckline, silver jewels adorn the bodice, and it flares out slightly at the bottom, which has a slightly darker pink lace peeking out from beneath the hem. Nervously, you ask “Which one do you like best?”

“No no no, y/n. This is your choice. You can make whatever decision you want, okay? Which one do you like?” Yelena asks, stepping into the room beside Natasha. She is wearing a knee length emerald green dress with a black sash at the waist and black straps.

You bite your lip. “Can I wear the pink one, please?” You ask.

Natasha smiles widely, “Of course, y/n. I'll leave it on the chair here. Wanda, how much longer do you think you'll be? Tony wants an eta.”

“Not long, I still have to do y/n's make up though and then get dressed myself. Just make him a drink, he won't even notice how late we are.” Wanda winks at you as she says this.

“Oh, drinks! Yes, the most important part of any party. Also, the only reason I am wearing high heels.” Yelena says excitedly. “I will be right back.”

Natasha groans as Yelena leaves. “This isn't going to end well. I'm going with her.” She leaves too. Wanda sets down her phone and opens a drawer and pulls out a bag of different brightly colored eyeshadows. “Now for the fun part,” she smiles at you. Ten minutes later, as she's putting the finishing touches of blush on your cheeks, Yelena comes back with two drinks in each hand. Setting one on the counter and handing another one to you, she says “Drink up, y/n. You're going to need it. There are so many boring old men downstairs already and Tony said this is only half of his guestlist.” She downs half the drink in one swallow. You smell the drink curiously. It's pink and cold, the condensation dripping down the side of the ornate crystal glass.

“What's in it?” You ask.

“I don't know, I stopped asking questions after the bartender added tequila. But it's very sweet. You'll like it” she encourages you. You take a small sip, licking your lips. A smile lights up your face and you eagerly take another, larger sip.

“Isn't it wonderful? I think so too.” Yelena says, grinning at your reaction to the drink.

“Just be careful, you two. And y/n? You should put the dress on now. I left shoes by the door, too.” Wanda warns as she leaves the room to get dressed. Yelena follows Wanda out, giving you privacy to change. The fabric of the gown is so soft, and it fits you perfectly. After putting the shoes on too, you understand what Yelena meant about high heels. As pretty as they are, they are not comfortable. Absent mindedly finishing the drink Yelena gave you, you start to feel excited. You have never looked this pretty before. Not that hydra was big on mirrors, but there you had been given starchy, ill-fitting shirts and pants, always in varying shades of grey. This dress makes you feel like a princess in one of Morgan's favorite movies.

Bucky stands at the doorway to Natasha's room, looking dashing in a dark blue suit with a pink tie that matches your dress perfectly. He holds out his arm, to lead you downstairs and you blush. “You look stunning, doll” Bucky smiles at you. You wrap your hands around his arm and let him lead you towards the loud music. He stops at the door, turning to look at you seriously. “If this is too much, just tell me and we can leave. It's up to you, y/n. You are in control tonight,” he promises. You smile up at him gratefully.

“Thank you, Bucky. I appreciate you,” you tell him, biting your lip.

The next couple of hours seem to fly by. The music is loud and quite a few people approach to talk to Bucky. You cling to his arm like a lifeline until Yelena hands you another drink. “Come dance with me, y/n!” Yelena grabs your arm before you can respond, pulling you onto the dance floor with her. You try to copy her ridiculous movements but she groans. “Alright, new plan y/n, finish that drink and then we will try again. No offense, but you look like Cap the robot. Haven't you ever danced before?” Yelena motions towards your still full cup of the same sweet pink drink she gave you hours earlier. You quickly chug the entire glass, hoping to appease Yelena. She smiles and hands you her cup as well, still mostly full. “Drink up,” she advises. You again down the drink, a warmth starting to flow through you. You try again to copy Yelena's dance moves, much more enthusiastically this time. She smiles and throws her arms around you, and the two of you dance until you trip and fall over. “It's these damn heels,” Yelena explains, helping you up. Bucky, who had been watching you, is at your side immediately, wrapping his arm protectively around your waist.

“Let's let you sit down, okay doll?” He asks, leading you towards the bar and helping you onto a stool. Yelena sits down next to you. A tall blonde woman approaches and asks Bucky to dance with her. He hesitates, looking at you wearily.

“Go, Bucky. Have fun. I'll be fine with Yelena.” You encourage him.

“Yes, I promise that y/n will be fine without you staring at her for five minutes. Go.” Yelena shoos Bucky away. As he disappears into the throng of people, Yelena jumps up. “I have to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back.” And she runs off. You smile after her, amused by her exuberance. A man, roughly mid forties sits down in the stool that Yelena just left and smiles wolfishly at you, licking his lips.

“Hello gorgeous. What's a pretty thing like you doing without a drink? Here.” He picks up a cup from the tray of a waitress walking by and shoves it towards you. It's not the same thing Yelena had been giving you all night, it's darker in color, and it smells stronger. “It's rude to not accept drinks, girl, I was just being nice.” His words, while seemingly innocuous, carry a sinister tone. You hastily grab the cup and take a small sip, hoping that by doing as he wants, he will leave you alone. He smiles at you, but not a normal smile, it's more like a smile that a lion gives to a wounded antelope, when the hunter knows they have their prey cornered and alone. “I haven't seen you around here before, what's your name?”

“It's y/n, sir,” you say, staring pointedly down at the drink.

“Well, y/n, why don't you drink some more and we can have a little fun? I really like being called 'sir'” the man chuckles, pushing the drink closer to you. You chug the rest of the drink, even though it's not nearly as sweet as the tequila that Yelena gave you earlier, and it's burning your throat. You hope that by doing what this man wants, he will leave you alone, or that Bucky or Yelena will see him and intervene. No, stop it! You are not a prisoner anymore, you do not need to be saved! You can get yourself out of this, y/n. As a prisoner, you were a pathetic, shell of a girl, barely even human, but you are not her anymore. Save yourself. The voice in your head is screaming and you want to listen to her, but you know that if you freak out on this guy here, in the middle of the party, Tony will be incredibly angry, and you would ruin everyone's night. So you stare stoically down at your now-empty cup, until the man roughly grabs your wrist. “Do you need another drink, y/n? Or are you ready to have some fun with me?” You clench your jaw, determined to not have a full on panic attack here in the middle of the party. You sit still, your whole body tense as the man puts his other hand on your shoulder and pulls you into him. “please don't” you whisper, as he puts one hand on the back of your head and starts to yank your face towards his. You screw your eyes shut, terrified of what is to follow, when suddenly you feel his hands ripped off of your body.

“Leave. Her. Alone.” Loki seethes, standing over the man, who is now on the floor. You start trembling, scared of what just happened, scared of how angry Loki is, scared of how many people are now looking at the three of you. Loki turns to look at you, and upon seeing your fear, his features soften and he steps fully between you and the man on the floor, holding out his hands in an effort to be as non-threatening as possible. “It's okay now, y/n. Let's get you out of here, okay? You're safe, miguardian. I won't let anyone harm you.” Loki promises, waiting for you to reach for his hand, very carefully not touching you or forcing you in any way. You cautiously grab his outstretched hand and he leads you towards the door, away from all the people and the loud music and the strange drinks, up the stairs through a couple hallways until he reaches a black door, adorned with emerald and gold gemstones. He sits you down on his bed and he starts speaking softly to you, describing in great detail the flower garden his mother tended back in Asgard. You very slowly begin to calm down, Loki's words falling on deaf ears as you start to process what just happened. The more you think about that man, however, the more panicked you become, tensing up and trembling until you can no longer even take a single, full deep breath. Struggling to breathe, you panic even harder, rocking back and forth until you feel an overwhelming sensation of nausea and you bolt towards Loki's bathroom. While you're throwing up, you feel Loki's fingers deftly lift your hair, holding it back while you vomit again and again. You're vaguely aware of knocking and heavy footsteps and then Clint and Thor are in the bathroom too, which is confusing and you start to whimper, beyond terrified at this point, “please don't hurt me, I'm sorry, I can do better, I'll comply, please don't, I'm sorry, please.” Clint swears under his breath and leaves, but Thor begins to bombard Loki with questions; how did this happen? Is y/n okay? Why is she in your room?

Clint returns with Natasha and Bucky. Natasha immediately sits down next to you on the floor and starts rubbing your back. “It's okay now, you're safe, everything's okay, just breathe, myshka.”

Bucky zeroes in on Loki and yells “What did you do to her? I left her alone for five minutes and she was fine! What did you do?!”

Thor steps in front of Loki protectively. Loki doesn't move from his current position, still gently holding your hair back, thoroughly unconcerned about the pissed off super soldier yelling at him. Thor starts to explain what Loki told him, about the man who touched you and how Loki intervened, but Bucky isn't listening. When he left you at the bar, you were fine, happy and laughing, and now you're a crying mess, in Loki's room. He believes that Loki hurt you, and no amount of rational explanations will change his mind. He steps toward Loki menacingly and you do the one thing (involuntarily) that stops Bucky in his tracks every single time. You flinch.

Bucky drops down to one knee next to Loki and Natasha, his eyes brimming with concern for you. “Are you okay doll?” He asks. You nod, too terrified to speak. There are too many people in this small room, too much anger. “Can we go back to my room now? Can you stand up?” He asks. Again, you nod, shakily getting to your feet, wanting so badly to appease him, to quell his anger. He gently wraps his arm around your waist and leads you out of Loki's room. Once in his room, he hands you a t-shirt and goes into his own bathroom to let you change in private. You quickly change and sit on the edge of his bed. He comes and sits down next to you. “I never should have left you doll, I'm sorry.” He apologizes. You shake your head and take a deep breath.

“I could have fought him. I could have broken his arms when he put his hands on me. I could have won that fight, easily. He's only human. Were you ever afraid? To fight? To use what hydra gave you? Because I, I'm terrified and it doesn't make any sense because I was trained to fight, I know how to fight and still, I froze tonight. I was afraid that if I hurt that man, then I was exactly the kind of monster hydra made me to be.”

Bucky looks at you sadly. “I'm afraid all the time, doll. I may have been a soldier before hydra, but I was drafted into that war. And then hydra drafted me again. But now, I have a choice. Every single fight I get involved in, every single person or evil I fight against, I do so because I choose to do it. I am actively choosing to use my powers for good. It doesn't matter where I learned these skills, as long as now I'm only using them for good. You can use your skills for good, now.” As he's talking, Bucky lays down on his bed, pulling the comforter back, allowing a space for you to lay down next to him. You hesitantly lay down next to him, involuntarily relaxing when he tucks the blanket around you. He lays with one arm underneath his head and the other one around your waist, possessively. He falls asleep quickly, and you do too, listening to the strong, steady beating of his heartbeat, the sweetest lullaby you have ever heard.

[c-dria]

The Hydra Healer

Chapter 7: Cooking

Yelena leads you to the kitchen. “So Wanda sometimes cooks for all of us, but most of the time we all just cook for ourselves. Or, just eat pop tarts for every meal, like Thor. But you can cook any time you want.” Yelena opens the fridge and your jaw drops. It's so full, you don't think you've ever seen this much food in one place before. “What do you like to make?” Yelena asks, raising her eyebrows at you.

“Um, I usually cooked potatoes and sometimes they had carrots and onions, sometimes pasta. This is so much food.” You say in awe, staring at the fully stocked fridge in front of you.

“Well, Stark usually keeps this crazy full because Peter Parker is always hungry” She grins.

“Okay, um, what do you like to eat? I can cook for you,” you offer, studying all the different foods.

Yelena looks you up and down. “I like macaroni and hot sauce. But more importantly, what do you like?”

“I can cook that! And I like plums, Bucky has been giving them to me and they're really sweet,” you answer.

“Like him? Oh my god Y/n, you like the dark staring man? Seriously?” Yelena scoffs.

“Shut up!” You urge her, blushing. “I can make macaroni and hot sauce, and cut up some plums and make a salad. Can you see if anyone else wants to eat that?” You ask.

Yelena rolls her eyes. “I'll ask, but I know no one will turn down a home cooked meal.”

You smile, grabbing two blocks of cheese and an onion out of the fridge. You start to cut up the cheeses and Yelena grabs a bottle of vodka. “My mother always said that cooking goes best with a drink,” she explains, as she pours out equal parts vodka and lemonade into two glasses. She hands one to you and takes a sip out of the other one. You smile at her, take a sip, and continue to prep for dinner.

An hour later, you're pulling a dish of macaroni and cheese out of the oven. There's a bowl of cut up plums and a salad already on the table, fully set with plates, napkins, drinks, silverware, and, of course, hot sauce. You sit down next to Yelena, quietly sipping the last of the drink she made you. Sam, Steve, Peter, Natasha, Bucky, Rhodey, Wanda, Vision, Pepper, and Tony all sit down as well.

“This smells wonderful, y/n” Steve compliments you, and everyone digs in. Over the course of the meal, several more compliments follow, making you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

“When did you learn to cook?” Sam asks, as he scoops a third helping of mac and cheese onto his plate.

“Well, they usually forgot to feed the kids at hydra, and because they knew that I wasn't a threat with knives, or really any weapons, I was allowed more freedom than the other prisoners. So they would let me cook, because they couldn't trust anyone else with knives.” You explain nonchalantly.

“Not a threat? Clearly they never saw you throw knives.” Loki smirks at you.

“Do you like to cook?” Asks Tony.

“Yes sir, I like to feel useful and everyone has to eat, sir.” You respond. “What do you like? I can cook that next,” you promise.

“Oh, Tony eats anything homemade,” Pepper cuts in.

“I like seafood, and pie. Really any kind of pie.” Sam offers.

“I can cook that, probably,” you giggle.

“I like chocolate chip cookies” Morgan adds.

“I can definitely make those,” you say with a grin.

“Only if you eat your salad,” Pepper warns Morgan lightly.

You begin cooking dinner every night, asking Friday for the avenger's favorite meals and recipes. Yelena always stays with you while you chop vegetables and prepare meats, making a drink for you and her and telling you about whatever movie or tv show she has seen recently. It becomes a new normal for you, a comfortable routine. The warmth of the kitchen, the smell of garlic, and the familiarity of Yelena pouring a drink and leading the conversation, you start to feel as though this really could be your home.

[c-dria]

The Hydra Healer

Chapter 6: Throwing Knives with Loki

Warnings: flinching, past mentions of being imprisoned

You were sitting on the floor next to Bucky's bed, absent mindedly playing with your hair when Yelena walks by.

"What are you doing?" She asks, leaning against the doorframe.

You shrug, "Just waiting for Bucky to be done showering."

"Um, okay stalker." Yelena says, smirking.

"What else should I do?" You ask. "I spent my entire life in a cell, following orders. No one is giving me orders now and....I don't know what to do." You say, surprising yourself with how honest your answer was.

"Get up, y/n, I need to show you something." Yelena says. You follow her back to her room where she pulls out a well-worn vest. "This is the first piece of clothing I ever bought for myself. I've never had control over my life before, and now I do. I want to do things. Y/n, we have control over what we want to do now. We don't need to just wait around for orders, we can do anything we want. Don't think about it, what do you want to do right now?" She asks.

"Um, I um, I don't know, I'm sorry” you stammer.

“Have you ever thrown knives? It's very fun.” She asks

You shake your head 'no.' “They rarely let me near weapons at hydra. They were afraid I would hurt myself.”

Yelena eyes you up and down. “Okay well throwing knives is fun. I'm just going to need you to promise to not slit your wrists with anything I give you, deal?”

You grin, “deal.” You promise, following Yelena down to the training room. She shows you how to stand and aim, then she demonstrates a couple times, perfectly hitting the target both times.

“Now it is your turn, y/n.”

You take a deep breath, focusing on the target, and throw the knife as hard as you can. It completely misses the target and instead sinks solidly into the wall by the doorway right as Loki enters the training room.

Loki raises his eyebrows as he looks at the knife embedded in the wall next to his shoulder. “Stark is not going to like that” he comments blithely as he pulls the knife out. Yelena is laughing.

“I'm sorry! I didn't mean to! Stop laughing, Lena!” You blush. Loki hands you back the knife.

“Can I help you? Knives are my specialty,” Loki winks at you. You nod. He places his hands on your hips and you flinch slightly, but allow him to position your body towards the target. He next wraps his hand around your wrist, gently repositioning your fingers, fixing your grip. When he touches you elbow though, you flinch again, accidentally moving your hand.

“This isn't going to work if you keep flinching out of position every time I touch you, midguardian. It's okay, you need not fear me.” Loki murmurs.

You take a deep breath and whisper “I'm sorry, I'm sorry.”

He steps back and studies you for a moment, your trembling fingers gripping the knife, your shoulders hunched slightly forward, your entire body tense. You look back at him, biting your lip.

“Okay, new plan. You're going to watch me throw knives, and then try to mimic what I do. I will not touch you.” Loki promises. You smile gratefully. Loki holds his hand out for the knife and you jump backwards. Loki doesn't move, he doesn't react at all to you flinching away from him, he just patiently waits for you to hand him the knife.

“I'm sorry,” you mumble, hastily pressing the knife into his outstretched hand. He proceeds to throw 3 knives. He looks graceful, moving in a single fluid motion.

You pick up a knife and try to move as he moved. Your knife hits the target this time, barely.

Loki grins. “That was better, midguardian. Here.” He hands you another knife. This one is slightly closer to the bullseye, but not much. Loki continues to hand you knife after knife until you begin to hit the target consistently. “You're a fast learner, y/n.” Loki compliments you. Yelena rolls her eyes. “I could have helped her, too” she complains. “C'mon, y/n, I'm hungry now.”

You smile widely “I can cook! I know how to cook, I can help with that.” You say excitedly.

“Great, let's go. See you later, alligator.” Yelena waves to Loki as the two of you leave the training room.

[c-dria]

The Hydra Healer

Chapter 5: Morgan Stark

Notes: Tony gets better, I promise.

You and Peter were in his room on a Tuesday afternoon. He was doing math homework and you were mostly just watching him. Morgan rushes into the room, wearing a cape with craft feathers and sequins glued to it. “Look Peter, look what I made!” She announces, spinning around to fully display her feathered cape.

“That's beautiful, Morgan.” Peter responds, smiling up at the little girl.

“Watch what it can do! Just like daddy's suit!” Morgan yells as she races down the hallway, towards the stairs.

“No! Wait!” Peter jumps up and runs after her, and you follow him. Morgan is too fast though, and she launches herself over the side of the stairs, extending her arms as though she could actually fly. Peter jumps down after her, but is one second too late. Morgan hits the hard tile floor face first, agonizing crunching sounds echoing loudly off the walls. Her shrieks are loud enough to wake the dead. Peter quickly pulls her into his arms and you study the child for a split second, deciding which injury to absorb first. You choose her arm and collarbone, both of which are broken (hence the crunching sounds) before moving onto her face, where her nose is bleeding hard and fast, and her eye is already swelling shut. Tony storms into the room, Steve and Natasha hot on his heels, assessing his daughter's wails before zeroing in on you.

“What the hell did you do to her? That's my daughter you freak!” He thunders, stepping intentionally between you and Morgan.

“No Mr. Stark, y/n didn't do anything! Morgan made this awesome cape and she thought she could fly and -”

“I let you stay here! And you go after my child!?! You're exactly the monster hydra made you to be!” Tony yells, stepping towards you menacingly.

You turn your head away from him, terrified. You go completely still. At hydra, sometimes if you didn't respond to the beatings, the guards got bored and moved on quickly. You stare down at the floor stoically, determined to not react, to not make Tony any angrier than he already was. Natasha kneels down next to you, murmuring softly in Russian.

Peter turn to Steve, nearly tripping over his words to explain what happened as quickly as he can. Steve looks at Morgan, who, while still sniffling, is completely unhurt. Turning to you, he notices the awkward angle your arm is bent at, your left eye that's now completely swollen shut, and the blood dripping slowly down your face from your nose and lip. “Tony. Listen to Peter. Y/n was helping. Morgan is fine.” Steve commands. You continue to stare at the ground, certain that Tony is going to attack you. Tony turns toward Morgan then, seeming to realize that she is, in fact, fine. She has stopped crying now and has sat up in Peter's arms.

“I thought I could fly, daddy. I made this in your lab, and you said that magic happens in your lab. I thought it would work like your suits.” Morgan says sadly, holding out her feathered, sequined cape for Tony to see. He turns back to you, slack jawed.

“You thought you could fly, sweetheart? So what did you do?” Tony asks Morgan.

“I jumped off the stairs.” Morgan admits, sounding a little bit ashamed. “It really hurt for a minute, but then I felt all better.”

Tony plucks Morgan out of Peter's arms, cradling her close to his chest. “I'm so happy you aren't hurt, kiddo. Let's go make you some real wings, okay?”

You let out a breath you hadn't realized you were holding. He wasn't going to hurt you, not now.

“Tony! You owe y/n an apology. She healed Morgan and you scared her.” Steve asserts, blocking Tony's path to the doorway.

“Move.” Tony responds. Morgan squirms in his arms, jumping down. She walks over to you, where Natasha is still quietly reassuring you.

“Here,” Morgan holds out a small scrap of fabric that had been torn off her cape. “Thank you, y/n.” You look up hesitantly at the child in front of you, gratefully accepting the cloth and holding it to your bleeding face. “Do you want some ice cream? That's what mommy always lets me have when I get hurt.”

You smile at Morgan and stand up. Natasha stands too, placing her hand gently on the small of your back. “You know what, Morgan? Y/n and I have to go see Bruce so he can make her feel better. Why don't we come find you a little later and we can all get ice cream.” Natasha tells Morgan. She sighs dramatically. “Can I at least come with you guys?” She asks.

“Of course you can, Morgan,” you answer, right as Tony says “No.”

“Why not daddy? Y/n and I are friends.” Morgan says defiantly.

Peter grins, “Really Morgan? Since when?” He asks.

“Since she made me feel better. She was very brave, daddy. And so now we're best friends. Let's go y/n.” Morgan takes your hand and leads you out of the room. Natasha follows, and Tony tries to, but Steve holds him back.

“You need to be nicer to y/n, Tony. She's a very nice person, and she just healed your kid. You at least owe her an apology.” Steve tells Tony.

Peter looks at Tony, “Mr. Stark, I'm surprised at you. You're usually so much nicer than this.”

Tony brushes them both off and stalks out of the room.

[lesbian-deadpool]

Natasha: “June is knife month”?

Natasha: Every month is knife month if you’re not a little bitch.

[c-dria]

Fun concepts for people to understand:

No means no.

Period.

Full stop.

After I tell you no, I'm done. Not answering my door when you knock at all hours of the night is also a very good indication that I'm definitely not interested and you need to leave me alone.

It absolutely does not mean try to break into my window until I call 911.

[c-dria]

The Hydra Healer

Chapter 4: The Tapes

You’re sitting at a large round table, waiting for Tony to start the meeting. Bucky is sitting next to you, one hand resting on your knee. Steve, Sam, Natasha, Yelena, and Wanda are there too. Peter runs through the door, a textbook under one arm, his backpack slung haphazardly over one shoulder, only half-zipped up. “I’m sorry I’m late, Mr. Stark, I was doing homework and then I had to stop and help this little kid cross the street, because they were just wandering in the road, which I thought was crazy dangerous and then I had to find a police officer to find the kid’s parents, and –”

“It’s fine kid. Just sit down.” Tony cuts him off. You smile at Peter as he slides into the open chair next to you. “So these are all the files we got from the hydra base last week. Friday has already scanned through them, but they aren’t complete. Y/n, you’re going to fill in some of the blanks.” Tony says. You nod, “Yes sir,” you say softly. Tony starts the first tape and you tense up, seeing a little girl strapped down to a table. She can’t be more than seven or eight, and her arm is badly mangled. You see yourself enter the room, handcuffed and chained at the neck. You watch yourself heal the child’s arm, and immediately the guard next to her bed re-breaks it, ordering you to heal her again. This goes on four more times, until you fall to your knees, crying and shaking your head, refusing to re-break your own arm again. The guard calls out in Russian and beside you, Bucky stiffens. Onscreen, you see the Winter Soldier enter the room and walk over to you. He yanks you to your feet by your hair with one hand and starts hitting you with the other hand. After a few minutes, he drops you back on the floor. The guard again orders you to heal the girl and this time you comply, screaming out in pain as your arm breaks for the seventh time in as many minutes. Then the screen goes black.

“Who was that child?” Tony’s voice cuts through the silence so loudly that you flinch.

“I-I don’t know, sir. They had so many children prisoners. They were easier to train than adults. That day, they didn’t care about the child. They wanted to test how many times they could force me to break myself before I said no. They used her to torture me. They only hurt her because of me.” Your voice gets quieter at the end, shame coursing through you. They had hurt a child just to screw with you.

“It’s okay, you’re safe now,” Bucky murmurs to you quietly, taking your hand in his.

“This tape is from 1953. How old are you?” Tony asks.

“I don’t know, sir. All I can remember is hydra.”

“There’s nothing in the files we got that says anything about your life before you were a prisoner. The earliest mention of you is in 1943, and you were said to be 10 then.” Steve informs you.

You shrug noncommittally. “I remember when Bucky first came. They didn’t think he would make it. I was littler then, but I stopped aging after one of their experiments.”

“How little? Barnes?” Tony demands.

“Are you honestly asking if I remember a child when I was half dead, 80 years ago, before my mind was wiped multiple times? Seriously?” Bucky asks incredulously.

“I’m sorry, sir,” you whisper, staring down at the table.

“It’s okay y/n, we will find out more about your past. Tony, Buck, calm down.” Steve orders. “Y/n, what else can you remember about the experiments when you stopped aging?”

“I remember they were happy. They even gave me real food that day. It was the day they gave me this,” you pulled your arm out of your sweatshirt (well, Natasha’s sweatshirt. She had been giving you clothes to wear) and bared your shoulder, showing a faded mess of scars.

“Oh my god, they branded you?” Natasha exclaims, reaching out to touch your shoulder. You flinch away, throwing your arms up defensively. “I’m sorry, please don’t-”

“Y/n? Y/n it’s okay. You’re safe here, it’s okay. Natasha’s not going to hurt you, it’s okay.” Bucky croons softly, gently wrapping his hands around your wrists and pulling them away from your face. “Can you take a deep breath for me doll?” You take a couple of shallow, erratic breaths, trying desperately to obey Bucky’s request. “I-I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to flinch, I’m sorry, I’ll be good, I’ll be good, I promise” you whisper, a single tear escaping from your eye.

“It’s okay now, you’re okay now, no one is going to hurt you. You’re safe here, you’re safe with me.” Bucky wraps his arms around you as he’s talking.

“We should let Bruce examine the scar, maybe he can figure out when they did that to her.” Tony suggests, his voice softer now.

“Not now, Stark. She’s been through enough today.” Natasha says quietly.

“Okay. But soon.” Tony concedes, leaving the room. Peter, Yelena, Sam, and Wanda follow him.

“Y/n?” Natasha says softly. Hesitantly, you look up at her. “May I see your shoulder please? I won’t hurt you, I promise.” You nod and slowly pull your hair to the side, exposing your branding. Her fingers are feather light against your scars. “Bucky, there’s layers and layers of scar tissue here. They did this repeatedly.” Natasha says sadly.

“Yeah, every time the scars started to heal. He said it was so I always knew I belonged to him.” You say, no traces of emotion in your voice. It was easier that way, to shove all of your emotions deep down. It helped you to survive. Bucky’s arm’s tightened around you when you said that.

“You can get Bruce, if you want. I’m okay now.” You tell them.

“Great y/n, that’s great. I’ll go get him.” Steve offers.

When Bruce arrives, he sets down a small bag on the table. “To effectively date the scar tissue, I’ll need to take a sample.” He says apologetically, removing a small needle and an alcohol swap. You tense slightly in Bucky’s arms but make no move to block Bruce as he wipes a section of your scar with the alcohol swab before pricking you with the needle. He waits a moment, probing the area, making sure it’s numb before he picks up his knife. Bucky looks at you, seeking permission before he allows Bruce to cut away his sample. You nod. “It shouldn’t take me long to date this, y/n.” Bruce assures you as he covers the wound with a clean bandage and leaves.

“Y/n? Do you remember anything else about when Bucky was first brought to hydra?” Steve asks.

You nod, “no one thought he would make it. He had lost so much blood. But he did. They were so happy when he woke up. They said he would change the world.” Bucky tenses up as you talk.

“That’s good, y/n. Do you remember anything else? About Bucky or your time there?” Steve asks.

“They used to keep me with the littlest ones, the youngest kids they had. They knew I couldn’t help but to heal them, which I wasn’t allowed to do unless they ordered me to, so then they would punish me for that. But some of those kids were as young as 5 or 6, I couldn’t just let them suffer. And then Axel showed up, he’s the absolute worst of them all.” Bucky shudders beside you.

“Axel? Was he one of the guards?”

“No. He’s the devil himself.” Bucky says darkly.

You nod. “He took a special interest in me. He’s the one who branded me, and that was probably the nicest thing he ever did.”

“That’s enough, Steve. Don’t make her relive what that sonofabitch did to her.” Bucky warns.

“Okay, okay, thank you for your cooperation, y/n. Let’s go, Nat” Steve says, and they both exit, leaving just you and Bucky alone in the room.

“You remember Axel too?” You ask timidly.

Bucky sighs. “Yes, doll. I remember him too.”

“Bucky? May I please ask you something?”

“Anything, y/n.”

"Does is really get better? The flinching and the constant fear?"

Bucky looks at you with hard resignation set deep in his eyes, "I hope so."

[c-dria]

Fun things I learned today. In Phoenix, if you call 911 to report a man breaking into your apartment, it takes them 2 and a half hours to respond.

So I booby trapped my entire apartment but I'm still too scared to sleep.

[c-dria]

The Hydra Healer

Chapter 3: Leaving Med Bay

Warnings: Flinching, mentions of past abuse, mainly comfort, a little angst and fluff

Over the next few days, Natasha and Bucky rarely left your side. Natasha gently explained everything that was happening, what all of the machines you were hooked up to did, and she answered all of your questions kindly. Bucky was always offering you food, which was different than what you had at hydra. There, you were typically only fed through an IV, and even then, only when they wanted you at full strength, like when you were needed to heal their soldiers or other kids who they were experimenting on. Bucky seemed to understand, and he was never angry when you couldn’t handle more than a couple of bites before getting nauseous. Bruce came in a couple of times each day to run tests, asking you questions and drawing more blood cultures. Natasha made him explain everything that he was doing to you and why it was necessary, which you greatly appreciated, not daring to ask him yourself. At hydra, if you asked what the scientists were doing to you, they would beat you or gag you just to shut you up, and no matter how many times Natasha told you that you were safe here, that no one was ever going to hurt you here, you only half believed her. After all, life at hydra is all you had ever known. For your entire life, you had only ever been talked down to, called X, for experiment, to dehumanize you. You were told over and over again that you were replaceable, so you had better comply or else risk violence. You wanted so badly to believe Natasha and Bucky, because they really did seem sincere, but how is this even possible? How does any kind of life exist at all outside of the hydra base you had been imprisoned on for your whole life?

Peter and Yelena also visit your room. After almost a week, Bruce tells you that you can leave the med bay.

“Really? That’s so great, because Ned just found a copy of the original Star Wars trilogy with the director’s commentary and he and MJ are coming over for a movie night tonight and you should totally come. It’s going to be so much fun!” Peter says excitedly.

Yelena gives him a strange look. “Why wasn’t I invited, Peter Parker?”

“I honestly thought you were planning on coming already. You were there when I said we were planning this. Of course you’re invited” Peter tells her.

“What’s Star Wars?” You ask.

“Oh my god, you’ve never seen Star Wars? This is so great! They are the best movies of all time, you’ll love them. There’s light sabers and Yoda and Han Solo and Chewbacca, Chewbacca is the best, he’s a wookie.” Peter explains excitedly.

Seeing the confused look on your face, Yelena interjects “It’s just a movie that Peter Parker really likes. He’s also going to have pizza, which is probably 70% of the reason I will be going.”

“Hey! 70% just for pizza? And you’re only 30% excited about Star Wars?” Peter asks indignantly.

“No, the other 30% is because I like MJ. The movie plays zero percent in my decision to come.” Yelena corrects him, smirking.

“I guess that’s okay, MJ is pretty amazing. Y/n, MJ is my girlfriend and she’s the coolest person ever, you’ll love her. Not like I love her, but like, I mean as like a friend, you know?” Peter excitedly trills.

Yelena laughs and turns back to you. “So you’re in for Peter Parker’s movie night.” She says this decisively, leaving no room for argument.

“Mr. Bucky is coming too, y/n, he loves Star Wars almost as much as Ned and I” Peter adds.

“Yes, that sounds fun” you smile, glad that Bucky will be there when you meet Peter’s friends. Bucky enters the room then, holding a plum.

“Mr. Bucky, guess what? Bruce says y/n can leave the med bay and she’s going to come to our Star Wars movie night!” Peter tells him excitedly.

Bucky’s head snaps towards Bruce, “Are you sure?” he asks.

“Yes. Y/n is completely healed, physically at least. She isn’t a danger to herself or others. There’s no medical reason to keep her here.” Bruce replies.

Bucky hands you the plum, smiling widely when you don’t flinch away as his hand gets close to you.

“Um, where can I go?” You ask quietly, rolling the plum around your palm nervously. Bucky looks at Bruce and then at you.

“You can stay in my room, if you want.” He offers. You smile, beyond relieved that they aren’t kicking you out of this safe haven.

“Thank you” you say, and bite into the sweet plum gratefully.

“I have to go call MJ, I’ll see you later y/n!” Peter says excitedly.

“Wait up, I want to talk to her too, Peter Parker.” Yelena adds, following Peter out of your room.

You smile as they leave. They have been nothing but nice to you. Even Yelena, who’s sarcasm spares no one else, is always kind towards you.

“So, you’re going to the kid’s movie night?” Bucky asks, sitting down in a chair next to your bed.

“Yeah, he said it’s about a wookie? I’m not sure, but he wants me to meet Ned and MJ, and he said you’re going too, right?” You ask.

“Yes doll, I’ll be there. I love the Star Wars movies. And Ned is great. It will be fun,” Bucky says, gently laying his hand on your knee. This has become normal. Bucky always makes sure to be touching you, always exceedingly gently, and slowly, so as to not make you flinch away from him. He knows how important it is for you to be shown, and not just told, that touches can be gentle and kind. Because like him, you spent over 70 years only knowing cruel touches, beatings, and pain. And it’s one thing to hear the words, to be told that you’re safe now, and another thing to actually be shown those gentle touches. When he was first liberated from hydra, he too flinched away from people reaching out towards him, convinced they were going to hit him. And it was Steve, who would put his hand gently on Bucky’s shoulder, Steve who would kindly rest his open hand on Bucky’s arm, proving again and again that not all touches needed to cause pain. And that helped Bucky more than everyone just saying that he was safe and that they wouldn’t hit him, so he wanted to help you the same way that Steve had helped him. So he made sure to be constantly reassuring you, physically, that everything was okay. Whether that was by holding your hand, or placing his hand on your shoulder, or your leg, or putting his arm around your waist to gently guide you where you wanted to go, he was always touching you kindly, gently. You still flinched away from him at least half of the times he reached for you, but that was significantly less than how much you flinched away from everyone else. Except for Natasha, and maybe Peter and Yelena, you were still downright terrified of everyone else. Bucky took great pride in the fact that you weren’t nearly as afraid of him as you had been when you first saw him on the jet the first day you had been freed from hydra. It was helping him to know that he was helping you.

[c-dria]

The Hydra Healer

Chapter 2: Waking Up

Warnings: past mentions of violence, flinching

When you open your eyes, the first thing you notice is how bright the room is. It smells faintly like antiseptic. The next thing you notice are the restraints binding your wrists and ankles. They aren't the usual metal chains though, these restraints are much softer, made of velcro. Also, there isn't one around your neck. There's an IV in your arm. You look around, taking in the unfamiliar room. Movement catches your attention. Seeing his large, foreboding form move towards you, you immediately look down, whispering "ready to comply."

The Winter Soldier stops when he reaches the side of your bed. "Y/n, it's okay. You're safe here." You hold your breath, waiting for him to lash out at you. The door opens and you duck your head down, repeating 'I will comply, ready to comply.'

"She's awake?" It's the red haired woman from yesterday, the one who you followed outside the hydra base. You hesitantly look up at her. She smiles down at you before turning to the Winter Soldier, "I'll get Bruce" She says, leaving you alone with him once more. He gently reaches for your hand and though you try to flinch away, the restraints keep your arm immobilized. He wraps his hand around yours carefully, as though he was trying not to hurt you. The door opens again and you feel him tighten his grip slightly, as though trying to reassure you of your safety here.

"I'm glad you're awake, y/n. My name is Bruce. How are you feeling today?" Panicked, you look up at the Winter Soldier, silently asking permission to speak. He nods down at you.

"It's okay y/n, you can talk here. You're safe here, no one is going to hurt you" he promises.

You whisper "I'm okay, ready to comply"

Bruce nods, his hands gently probing the stitches on the side of your head. "You're healing nicely, y/n. I'm going to untie your wrist now to check on your broken arm. Can you stay really still for me?"

"Yes sir, ya podcinius"

Once your arm is free, he slowly moves it around, extending it and bending it. "Does any of this hurt?" He asks

You shake your head 'no.' He reaches for the restraint and you panic, jerking your arm out of his grasp. “Please don’t, I’ll be good I promise” you plead.

Bruce looks at Bucky apologetically, “Tony said-”

“Blame me.” Natasha interrupts him, reaching over and freeing your other arm. You sit up as soon as your arms are free, worriedly glancing at the people around your bed, waiting with bated breath for one of them to start laughing and pin you down again. After a minute of silence, you reach down and undo the restraints on your ankles and pull your knees into your chest, shielding yourself.

“I still need to run more tests. I need some blood samples.” Bruce says. Bucky looks down at you sadly.

“Can you hold out your arm please, y/n?” Natasha asks. You nod, wanting to trust her. Bruce picks up a needle and you screw your eyes shut. You knew it. They were going to run more tests. Of course they were, you are nothing more than an experiment, a lab rat. Not daring to open your eyes, you hold out your arm, not wanting to risk a beating for daring to disobey orders. You feel the weight on the bed shift and then warm arms are wrapped around your shoulders. Gasping, you open your eyes to see Natasha sitting next to you, hugging your trembling body. You glance between Bucky and Natasha in surprise.

“She isn’t hurting me. You aren’t hurting me. W-why?” You whisper, addressing Bucky.

“No one is going to hurt you anymore. You’re safe here, you’re safe with me.” Natasha murmurs. Bucky just stares at you, unable to speak. Bruce takes the blood samples he needs and leaves, promising to come back and check on you later. Staring down at the bed, you swallow hard, gathering up all of your courage to start talking. “Th-this isn’t hydra?” You ask meekly.

“No, this isn’t hydra. You never have to go back there.” Natasha promises you.

“Where am I? Who are you?” You ask Natasha. Turning to the Winter Soldier, you ask, “why aren’t you hurting me? Aren’t you here to punish me for leaving? I’m so sorry.”

Natasha gently pulls your face up towards hers. “Look at me, myshka. We are at the Avenger’s compound in New York. My name is Natasha and that’s Bucky. He is not the winter Soldier anymore, and he will not hurt you, I promise.”

You look into her eyes, testing her. If this is hydra, she will certainly hit you for daring to make eye contact. She doesn’t hit you though. Instead, she smiles.

The door opens again and you tense up. The boy from the plane is standing there. “Mr. Bucky? Mr. Stark needs your help with the files we got from the base.” Bucky looks at you, clearly worried about leaving you here. Natasha senses his hesitation and says “Go on, Bucky. I’ll stay with her.” Bucky nods in appreciation and follows the boy out.

“That was Peter. He’s so young.” You say sadly.

“Yes, Peter is only 18. How old are you?” Natasha asks.

“I don’t know. I was at hydra for my whole life.”

“That’s okay, myshka. Maybe Bucky knows more about your past.”

“He’s really not the Winter Soldier? He’s really not here to hurt me?” You ask meekly.

Natasha hugs you a little tighter before answering. “He’s definitely not the Winter Soldier anymore. He will not hurt you. You’re safe here, I promise.” You close your eyes again and take a deep breath, leaning into her gentle embrace. You feel safe here, you feel safe with this woman, and it is a completely new feeling. It's unlike anything you have ever experienced before. Maybe you really are safe here, safe with her.

[c-dria]

This is chapter 1 of a new series in working on called The Hydra Healer

I also posted it on Ao3

Warnings: This is very dark, mentions of past abuse and physical violence

Chapter 1: The Healer

You can hear the fighting outside your cell.  Alarms are blaring, the loud screeching causing you to flinch every time it rang out.  Squeezing your eyes shut, you silently begged for it to be over soon.  Maybe if you were good this time, maybe if you stayed in your cell and didn't try to escape, you wouldn't be beaten.  When your cell door opens, you open your eyes and cower against the rough, concrete wall, whispering "pozhaluysta, ne nado, ya vypolnyal prikaz, ya ne derus', prosti, pozhaluysta, ne delay mne bol'no.  (please don't, I followed orders, I'm not fighting, I'm sorry, please don't hurt me).”  Two people enter, a tall blonde man with a shield and a very injured red-haired woman.

The tall blonde man swore softly, "damn I thought this one was empty, Nat."

"It's fine," the red-headed woman grunted, "I'll be fine here. Go help the others."  The man seemed hesitant to leave the woman alone with you, but the sound of gunshots outside of your cell seemed to change his mind.

"Don't unchain them.  I'll come back for you," and then he left, closing the door behind him.  You stare at the woman who is now leaning against the wall.  She’s pale and bleeding heavily.  Your eyes widen when you see her right arm, the bone jutting out of her skin.  You sigh heavily.  So that's why the man had brought her here.

Biting your lip, you say, "Ya mogu pomoch' tebe, soldat. Gotov vypolnit. (I can help you, soldier. Ready to comply)."

The woman looks at you, still cowering into the wall, chained at the neck and ankles.

She smiles softly, replying in Russian, "Teper' ty v bezopasnosti. Kak vas zovut” (You're safe now. What's your name?)

"Eksperiment 71953.  Ya mogu pochinit' tvoyu ruku.  (Experiment 71953.  I can fix your arm)."  She sighs sadly and turns to look out the door.  Maybe she didn't understand you.  You hold your right arm up and concentrate on the woman's broken bone.  You close your eyes and let out a whimper of pain as it works.  You absorbed the woman's injury; she was healed now.  You, of course, felt her pain, for it was now your arm that was broken through your skin, your blood soaking through your shirt. 

The woman turned to you, alarmed.  "What did you do? How did you-? Are you okay?”  You nod, hissing in pain as you shove your bone back through the wound, hoping it will be close enough for your body to fully reset it on its own.  She walks towards you and you panic, flinching away from her outstretched hands.

"Prosti, pozhaluysta, ne delay mne bol'no, ya soglashus', ya tebya ispravil, pozhaluysta, ne bey menya, izvini.  (I'm sorry, please don't hurt me, I'll comply, I fixed you, please don't hit me I’m sorry)."  She unsheaths a knife and tells you to stand still.  Eying the blade, terrified, you follow her orders.  She quickly cuts away your chains.  You stand there, frozen, waiting for more orders.  Suddenly, your cell door opens again and the tall blonde man is back, this time with a deep gash across his ribcage.

"I thought I told you not to unchained her! Wait, what happened to your- is her arm broken now? What happened?"  He demands angrily.  You step backwards until your back hits the wall, his anger scaring you.

"I don't know Steve, she's only speaking Russian, she's begging me not to hurt her, she said she could fix me and then she took my injury. My arm is healed, and hers is now broken the same way mine was. I've never even heard of something like this." She gently reaches for your wrist on your unbroken arm, but you flinch away from her, certain that she will hurt you, or the blonde man will. He's very angry, and you know what happens when men come into your cell angry. You look at his chest, visualizing his wound and then cry out softly as you feel the deep gash replicate itself on your own chest.

"What the hell?" He yells, and at his outburst you fall to the floor, pulling your knees up to your chest protectively.

"Pozhaluysta, ne delay mne bol'no, mne ochen' zhal', ya podchinyus', ya budu khoroshim, ya obeshchayu. (Please don't hurt me, I'm so sorry, I'll comply, I'll be good, I promise)" you whisper.

The woman glares at Steve "stop it, you're scaring her." She then turns to you and says "it's okay now, no one is going to hurt you. Can you stand up for me please?"

You scramble to your feet as quickly as you can, whispering "gotov vypolnit' (ready to comply)." She smiles sadly, "Follow me, please. I'm going to get you out of here, okay?"

"Da, gotov vypolnit' (Yes, ready to comply)." Steve watches you closely, guardedly as you follow the woman through the dark, windowless hallways, littered with the bodies of hydra guards. When you reach the last door, the one that leads outside, you stop.

"Mne zhal', chto ya ne mogu vyyti na ulitsu, mne ochen' zhal. (I'm sorry I can't go outside, I'm so sorry)" you look down at the ground, waiting to be hit for disobeying orders.

Steve glares at you for a moment before muttering "we don't have time for this" and grabbing your (unbroken) arm roughly, dragging you out the door. Your whole body tenses, waiting for his other hand to strike you.

"Steve" the woman admonishes.

"We don't have another choice Nat; we need to get back to the jet." She hums in disapproval but doesn't intervene. A minute later you reach a plane and Steve tugs you on board along with him, not letting go of your arm. There's another man and a boy already there. The man has a strange glowing triangle on his chest, and he looks at you with disdain. The boy is bleeding heavily from the side of his head. You purse your lips and close your eyes, concentrating on his injury, crying out in pain when you feel your blood start to flow down the side of your own head, dampening your hair. The boy gingerly reaches up and touches his head where just a moment ago he was bleeding profusely.

"Um, Mr. Stark? Did you see that? What happened? Who are you? Um, here, do you want this?" He asks, holding a towel towards you. You look at Natasha, seeking permission. She takes the towel from the boy and hands it to you so you can staunch the blood flowing from your head.

"She was a prisoner. She healed my arm and Cap's ribs. She’s taking the injuries onto her own body. She’s speaking Russian but she seems to understand English as well” Natasha offers as an explanation.

“We have enough strays” the man with the glowing triangle snaps dismissively.

“She’s just a child, Tony, be nice. I wasn’t going to leave her.” Natasha says.

“She helped Nat, and she just helped Peter. If nothing else you should thank her for that.” Steve adds. Tony glances over at you and lazily raises his hand. You flinch, even though he is on the other side of the plane.

“Whatever,” he grumbles. “Just remember that she’s your problem.”

The boy steps towards you and holds his hand out. “Hi, I’m Peter! And Spider-Man, if we’re using our made-up names. You can call me Peter though. What’s your name? Thanks for healing me! I can heal super fast though, so you don’t need to do that, if you don’t want to, or if it hurts you, I hope it doesn’t hurt too bad. What’s your name?” You hurriedly step backwards a few steps, recoiling from his hand. Any time anyone reached for you, it was to cause you pain. The boy, Peter, sounds harmless, but still, why would he put his hand out if not to hit you? The door opens again and suddenly you’re filled with dread. You recognize him. The enforcer, the most dangerous man at hydra.

The Winter Soldier.

He has three other people with him. A blonde girl who is limping and her breathing is labored, as though it’s physically painful for her to take a deep breath. A man that's wearing a red and black suit, and he has a nasty burn on his left arm and a deep gash from his hip down to his calf. The last person who entered with the Winter Soldier seems unharmed. You sense the Winter Soldier's domineering presence, and your instincts kick into high gear. You hold out your arm and tears start to trickle down your cheeks as you absorb the burn on the man's arm before looking down at the cut on his leg. You cry out as you feel the flesh on your own leg break apart, openly crying now. Turning towards the girl, you focus on her labored breathing until yours matches hers and she stands up straight, running her hands over her chest in confusion. Clenching your jaw to keep from crying out in pain, you stare at her ankle until the swelling has gone down and you fall to the ground, unable to support your own weight on your now – badly sprained ankle. As soon as you have healed them you turn towards the Winter Soldier and meekly whisper "gotov vypolnit (ready to comply).” He swears softly under his breath.

"Care to introduce us, tin man" Tony asks sarcastically.

"This is y/n" he says. Turning to Steve, he adds "the healer."

"Does she speak English? So far she's only spoken Russian" Natasha asks.

"Yes, she speaks English too" Bucky answers, slowly kneeling down in front of you. He gently curls his fingers under your chin to force you to look up at him.

"Please don't hurt me, ready to comply, I helped them, please, I followed her orders, I'll comply, please" you whisper.

Bucky sighs softly and whispers back "you're safe now y/n, please let me help you."

You nod, "yes sir, gotov vypolnit. (ready to comply)." He sighs again as he helps you up and into a chair. Taking in all of your injuries, he starts to apply burn cream to the blistering skin on your arm.

"Y/n can take other people's injuries and force them onto her own body. She heals faster because of all the experiments. She's also stronger than average, but not super soldier strong. She was there the whole time I was. They made her heal people they were torturing so they could torture them for longer. They made her heal other soldiers when they came back from missions. And…” his voice trails off and he looks down at the floor, ashamed. “And they made me hurt her when she didn't comply."

Your eyes go wide at the word 'comply' "Ya podcinius, I promise, ready to comply soldat, please don't hit me, ready to comply please" you whisper. Natasha sits down next to you and you flinch, repeating your broken pleas.

"Her arm, Bucky. I was caught by surprise and got caught under a door. My arm broke through my skin. She absorbed that first and pushed her bone back into her arm. Can you reset that so it heals right?" Bucky gently lays his hands on your arm, sucking in air through his teeth at the awkward angle you're holding it, your entire right side covered in drying blood.

You start to tremble, terrified to have displeased the Winter Soldier. "I'm sorry soldat, I can do better, please don't hurt me I'm sorry" you whisper. Natasha murmurs "it's okay now, you're safe here. He's not going to hurt you, no one is going to hurt you. Teper vse vie poryadkoye, vy vie bezopasnosti zdes. on nay sobiraetsya prichinyat vam boll, nicto nay sobiraetsya prichinyat vam boll.”

"For those of us who don't speak the devil's language?" Tony calls out, annoyed.

Yelena glares at him. "Ask your robot girlfriend if you're going to be insulting about it" she grumbles.

"Fine, Friday?" Tony snaps.

"The prisoner said..." you flinch violently when the walls start to speak, the sound seeming to come from all around you, loudly. Natasha resumes her quiet murmurs in Russian to try and calm you down.

"I'm going to have to stitch up some of these cuts" Bucky warns you, picking up a large needle, "so I need you to stay really still, okay y/n?"

You suddenly feel an overwhelming feeling of calm. "I can help with that" a soft, almost musical voice says. The uninjured woman who had come in with the Winter Soldier looks at Bucky and continues, "Go ahead, I'll keep her calm.” You feel your entire body relax as she’s speaking, focusing on her instead of the needle. Your breathing slows and your eyelids start to feel heavy. You lie back in the chair and close your eyes, at peace for the first time since you can remember.

"How long can you keep her asleep?" Steve asks.

"I'm not sure, I wasn't trying to make her fall asleep. I just wanted to calm her down so Bucky could sew her up without her flinching and hurting herself worse. She's exhausted though, so as long as I keep her relaxed, she'll probably sleep for a while." Wanda replies.

"Good, do that." Steve orders. "Bucky, how dangerous is she?"

"She's not" Bucky and Wanda answer together.

"She's a healer, not a fighter. And she's been too well conditioned to act out aggressively" Bucky continues.

"She thinks he's the Winter Soldier and she's here to be punished." Wanda adds.

"What else? Did they screw with her mind too?" Tony asks.

"They didn't have to," Bucky says sadly. "They just beat her into submission."