I'm glad I'm swing shift and about to clock out....because IT. WAS. A. DAY.
TRAUMA TRIAGE NOTE
23 y/o male presents to ED ambulatory with right hand wrapped tightly in what appears to be a Great Value kitchen towel secured by duct tape and poor decision-making. Patient pacing in triage visibly nervous, repeatedly stating, “It’s not a big deal,” which in Emergency Department language means this is absolutely about to become a big deal.
Initial assessment reveals multiple puncture wounds and lacerations to right hand with swelling and active bleeding controlled poorly by the towel.
Vitals:
* BP: 148/92
* HR: 122
* RR: 24
* Temp: 99.1°F
* SpO₂: 99% RA
Patient initially refuses mechanism of injury.
We ask:
“Sir… did a dog bite you?”
“No.”
“Wild animal?”
“No.”
“Human?”
“…technically no.”
At this point the trauma resident already looking stressed because this man has the bite pattern of a National Geographic documentary.
Patient finally whispers:
“…it was a shark.”
Now everybody in triage freezes because we are in the middle of inland West Virginia. Ain’t an ocean within reasonable bad decision distance.
Naturally we ask where this occurred because public safety and infection control suddenly become VERY important.
Patient refuses to answer for another 15 minutes while clutching his hand dramatically like he’s protecting state secrets. Finally states:
“Bass Pro Shop.”
Silence.
The whole triage desk collectively buffering like an old Windows XP computer.
Apparently this man climbed onto the decorative rocks near the giant aquarium “trying to impress a girl” and thought the small shark “looked friendly.” Sir… it is a SHARK. Their entire brand is “not friendly.”
Patient states:
“I thought if I touched its nose it would like me.”
No sir. That works on Labradors. Not sea missiles.
We contact Bass Pro Shops to verify incident because now Risk Management, Animal Control, and probably somebody named Randy in corporate has entered the chat.
Bass Pro employee answers the phone already exhausted and immediately says:
“Was it the guy in the camo tank top?”
So THIS was apparently not even a difficult investigation.
Now we have to complete:
* Trauma documentation
* Animal bite protocol
* Tetanus update
* IV antibiotics
* AND an exotic animal incident report because nowhere in nursing school did they prepare us for “retail shark assault paperwork.”
Orthopedic consult walks in, looks at the hand, then looks at us and asks:
“Y’all sure this was a shark?”
Before anybody can answer, Bass Pro manager calls back and says:
“Yes. We reviewed the footage. He barked at it first.”
At this point I no longer need coffee because the adrenaline of healthcare has fully entered my bloodstream.
Patient’s final statement before transport to imaging:
“I still got her number though.”
.
.
.
Sir.
You lost a chunk of your hand at a sporting goods store flirting near freshwater taxidermy decor.
Some days I gotta question my career choices
