And I Have Touched the Sky

My name is Rachel (she/her), and I get very emotional about things very quickly. I am a multi-fandom mess and I'm really bad about tagging, but if you need something tagged let me know and I'll do my best to remember. I write a lot, and I'm willing to take requests, though I make no promises that I'll respond in a reasonable amount of time, or at all. If you want a guarantee of a response, length, or anything else, I take fic commissions. No sex scenes though; I'm too ace to pull them off. I've tried. It's not pretty. Icon Credit

[manrippedapartbydogs]

Thank you Ken! Very cool.

[kropotkindersurprise]

This also the mood I get into when I hear the name Jeff Bezos.

[kindlysirwolf]

I like Ken. Him in response to right wing media framing him as being transphobic:

[blue0909]

Please stop being nonbinary too. God only created one gender. You must conform to that.

THERES ONLY ONE NOW?????

[miketon]

[thisisnotafandomblog-except]

I've recently realized that I really enjoy role model as a book. Harris and Troy are such good characters and work really well as a couple. Do you have any head canons about what a sequel book to their story would look like?

Omg? I—uh, yeah, okay! This is so off-the-cuff and really indulging to my own tastes, but here goes:

As someone who is in the throes of self-improvement, I really want to see Troy struggle with that. I think that these books are so fun, and LIGHT which is not a bad thing, but I think that certain aspects of the characters are glossed over and maybe I’m greedy, but yeah, I WOULD really like to see Troy have a bad time (tm) but then get through it. I think that he has a lot of toxic traits that he needs to unlearn, and he’s in probably the perfect environment to do that, but what happens the first time he’s confronted with something that creates those same feelings of fear and anxiety for the first time after he’s had this upswing?

I would read the fuck out of Troy breaking down because he’s so exhausted and just wants something that feels EASY and maybe he misses the fact that Dallas had been his best friend once, for all his many faults. And then Troy could spend 50k words working through those feelings

I want to see Harris have some life outside of his job! I want to see him introduce Troy to his queer friends, I want to know what his hobbies are outside of being dedicated to his family and loving dogs. I want to see Harris struggle with his relationship to his health and his relationship to the fact that Troy worries about him. I want to see him struggle with knowing that it’s from a place of love but still HATING that the worry is there at all. This was definitely touched on in role model, but I want more. I want to see Harris lose his temper, because I feel like he wouldn’t do it the “normal” way, and that would REALLY throw off Troy’s autistic ass. Honestly, I think Harris has the capacity to be aggressively passive about his health.

You know what would be super cool actually? Post Hollanov retirement, Troy becomes captain of the Centaurs, and he’s struggling with maintaining that same kind of locker room atmosphere that seemed to come naturally to Ilya. I want to see him struggle with the fact that he shouldn’t be happier right now, but he’s got a rookie that’s a pain in his ass and Ilya would just KNOW WHAT TO DO but Troy isn’t Ilya! How is he supposed to fill those shoes?

If all of this could be in the tone of excerpts from the fall of Troy I would die happy, honestly

Honestly, I wish that there was more to care about Harris. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a fun character and his dynamic with Troy is 10/10 but I feel like he lacks some depth. Who knows, maybe he’s just super well adjusted, but I personally like to see the character when they’re a train wreck and all the repairs happen in real time. I guess I could project some body image stuff onto him, but even then it feels like he’s generally just OKAY. I am fully willing to hear anyone’s thoughts on this. Please, tell me why I am wrong because I would like to know. I feel like this is very anti-Harris and it’s not. I just want more to chew on.

Curtis could pop back up! Idk how, but I feel like that would be a very Curtis like move to be like “well now that you’ve won a cup my buddies talk about that instead of who much of a [slur] my son is” and Troy trying to deal with that while also trying to shield his mom and Harris from it. Like maybe Curtis is being a shitbag but it’s not in any kind of public or obvious way. But I also don’t know that Curtis is capable of that kind of depth? And I don’t necessarily need him to have that depth. That man can be the DSM-5 entry for narcissistic personality disorder and I would be fine with that

I want Troy to have a mean lesbian friend. I feel like he would do well with one of those. Like, someone who isn’t surrounded by homophobia in her daily life and isn’t as sensitive about censoring herself at all. Idk, gimme more female characters (but they gotta have depth too! I think we can all admit that RR tends to have the female best friend therapist fixer in her books (which I cannot really condemn bc I love a character like that but I’m not blind to the fact that Rose and Svetlana don’t have much outside of supporting their queer besties) (I, too, enjoy inserting a female character into a story to come in and walk around the plot going “you’re living like this? Why? Who hurt you?”)

Seriously, someone hit me up with some Harris shit because I’m struggling to think of stuff for him which SUCKS because I love him. He’s got medical trauma, he’s got the not wanting to be treated gently thing, but he’s also got a supportive family and a great support system? I prefer my boys just a little more damaged than that, if I’m being 100% with you

Troy needs at least one cat. Do I want specifically for him to start feeding the stray the comes through his yard which eventually leads to him setting up an entire catio for this cat that “needs to have somewhere warm and dry to sleep in the winter, Harris!” ? Am I enamored with the idea of Troy coaxing this cat into the house over time and then suddenly the cat is like “oh, aha, you’re mine now”? Do I want Troy to become Jackson, father to Natia, Gandalf, and Dave on instagram? Yes. Sign me the fuck UP. Cat dad Troy who gets one of those little camera treat dispenser things for when they’re on roadies and who interviews pet sitters. I want him to be full Ilya level cat dad which is so self indulgent and unserious but I deserve that, right? As a treat for enduring the horrors. I think I do. And the cat isn’t super sad all the time when Troy leaves because she has Chiron and Harris but she’s so excited when her man gets home. Extra points if she’s the type of cat that likes to go on adventures bc she was a little tough street lady

Troy and Harris go to a cat cafe and accidentally leave with another cat who is just a little guy. Just the smallest, no thoughts in his head man cat. Orange. No brain, just floof. A Douglas Bubbletrousers type, if you will.

Okay, I think I’m done.

[hollowistheworld]

I also struggle with characters from loving and supportive homes, like what are you even doing here? Main characters need years worth of family-related trauma? So I've been tugging on him whenever I put Troy through it, to see what I can shake out.

And most of what I've come up with is he's a fixer. He grew up being worried over and not only does he not like that, he feels the need to fix it. He needs to make sure YOU are okay and are not paying attention to any way in which he might not be! (See: Telling funny stories to make everyone calm down a little about being on a plane again)

And he's a FIXER. I think he's very supportive of therapy in theory, but for his own partner? No, that's his job? I was putting Troy through it in a fic and realized I don't think Harris would suggest he go to therapy. My headcanon is that Harris (subconsciously) thinks he should be able to fix Troy himself. He wouldn't argue against it if Troy decided on it on his own, but he would feel like he'd failed. Especially if Troy said it was because he was struggling with depression or self-esteem (I think it'd be less Harris's 'job' if it was Troy saying he was trying to unpack his dad or something more external). Troy "I am a vampire for wanting people to be nice to me" Barrett and Harris "if everyone around me isn't having a good time I'll kms" Drover are going to have a car crash at some point.

I can see this easily tipping over into dangerous territory. Harris doesn't want to be fussed over, so he just. Straight up doesn't tell people when he has a doctor's appointment unless someone else HAS to be there. He'd go in for heart surgery without letting anyone know if he could get away with it. He'll suspect a problem and go through the entire process of dealing with it without saying word one. He gets annoyed when people ask him to keep them more in the loop. If he's sick (like, just standard non-heart related sick) he is the WORST patient because he doesn't want to be fussed over!!! And he's grumpy (because he's sick) so this is the meanest you'll ever hear him. He'll fully snap at people trying to ask if he needs more water or wants some soup. And I think he is STUBBORN about this, so he is shit at apologizing for being mean once he's recovered. And he's usually so chill and communicative that this freaks Troy out BAD because Harris never snaps at him?? And he always wants to talk things out later?? But now he just wants to act like last week never happened?? And Troy doesn't have much of a model for how to behave when people are sick so maybe bringing Harris ibuprofen and a glass of water was a boundary violation and he's actually a big wimp for wanting someone to do that for him when he's sick?? And Harris's family is used to this and he's never lived with anyone else and it doesn't occur to him that Troy isn't going to go "he's bitchy when he's sick, he didn't mean it, let's all just move on". (These two have such different upbringings I think the primary conflict opportunity is that it doesn't occur to them that the other one is working from a different manual.)

Also money!!! I think he's okay with Troy spending fun money on him once he's assured that Troy IS responsible with his money, because it only takes an hour in that locker room to understand what stupid amounts of money hockey players make. He'll even make sugar daddy jokes and tell Troy dinner's on him all the time. But for his health? He does not let Troy anywhere NEAR his medical bills. He will full on hide them if he can. This is DIFFERENT, Troy, don't ask why!! (It's because he views his health problems as a burden and cannot fathom that Troy doesn't)

Headcanons are spawning even as I write this... I read a fic where Harris introduces Shane to a gay guy who talks about being a gold star gay for never having sex with a woman and, yeah, I can see Harris hanging out with that kind of gay. He's very comfortable in his sexuality, he still lives close to home, he's probably had the same core non-work friend group since he was a teenager. So in the opposite of giving Troy a mean lesbian, Harris needing to realize that some of his friends are only his friends because he's so easy to get along with and they've known each other so long. Some of them are dicks. But he's used to being ready for the hockey player/fan version of dickhead, which looks completely different, and he doesn't realize how uncomfortable this guy is making less conventional gays like Shane and Troy (who aren't going to say anything because Shane is used to feeling like everyone thinks he is Doing It Wrong and Troy used to make people uncomfortable on purpose all the time so he should just be okay with this). Possibility for talking about biphobia in the queer community with Ilya?

And this is my personal trauma talking, but people with good parents are often... not great at supporting people with subpar parents. They want to figure out the 'reason' the parent was bad, or encourage reconciliation. Seeing Curtis be so nasty would probably keep Harris from falling into this trap with him (though I think a painful fic could come from the concept of Curtis apologizing well enough that Harris thinks Troy should give him a chance to prove he's changed), but Troy struggling to unpack how his mom failed him and Harris is being more forgiving of her than he needs? Troy needs permission to be mad, but if Harris says that is the Wrong Reaction he's just going to bury that down even deeper.

Troy puts Harris on a major pedestal and I think he needs to have a wake-up moment that Harris is just some guy. A fun genuinely laidback cheerful guy, but a guy. Who has bad days and gets things wrong sometimes. But Harris actively kicks that under the rug so this is more likely to blow up than be something they have a calm, casual conversation about in advance. And I think Harris needs to realize the degree to which Troy needs things spelled out to know where he stands, and how much help he needs in his efforts to fix his moral compass. Right now, he's largely using Harris's moral code to base his own off of, and I think they need to have a conversation about being able to disagree sometimes (Harris is conflict-avoidant, Troy thinks he will be taken out back if he disagrees with people he cares about. This is going to be like pulling teeth).

Okay, I'm gonna call it here. This was just the first two paragraphs when I started replying. It got away from me a little.

[tomb-mold]

the problem is i really do love staying up until one billion o'clock. it just cant be helped

[adelidae]

getting up from bed tips

getting up from bed cheats

getting up from bed codes

getting up from bed ending explained

[sunwornink]

here is your daily reminder to COMMENT ON THE AO3 FICS YOU READ! it goes such a long way, especially if it’s a multi-chapter work and you can only leave kudos once. ANYTHING is an acceptable comment—emojis, keyboard smash, screaming, in-depth analysis! i promise you, the writers want it ALL

[teaboot]

hi teaboot. anon with four siblings who moved out here. i am...the lowest ive ever been. i thought it was suppose to get better now? but im shing and so apathetic to everything. my siblings were fine, my parents pulled it together when I threatened them with police. but. i don't understand why its *now* im depressed

Not a word of a lie, this happened to me too! And I promise I am not bullshitting you when I say that this is normal and expected and EXTREMELY common.

The thing is, you've been in Survival Mode for a while. Probably a long time. And now your itty bitty lizard brain- the part that's been been clocking in overtime hours to sense and predict danger and mitigate crisis scenarios and plan escape routes and secure resources and so on- is no longer single-handedly keeping everything running by itself.

That bit of your brain has been working non-freaking-stop every waking minute for however long you've been in whatever clusterfuck you got out of, and it is now miraculously on its first ever vacation.

It's burnt out. It's exhausted. And now that it isn't running the show, the rest of your brain is scrambling to figure out how to make things work.

You're not in active danger anymore, so lizard-brain CAN take a rest without everything burning down, but... what now?

Emotional Brain has been helping carry Lizard Brain's load, but now it has a shitload of paperwork to catch up on. Like, YEARS of mismanaged backlog that it's just been jamming out of order into filing cabinets and spare storage boxes to deal with later.

Desires Brain has been keeping up with "food" and "don't die", but.... it HAS those now. So... what else could it possibly want? Everything? Nothing? What even IS desirable beyond survival? Goals Brain needs an answer before it can generate motivation. Fear Brain, too. Also Action Brain, and Motivation Brain.

So you're not being piloted by Lizard Brain anymore. That's good! "Keep Human Functioning Constantly Forever" was NOT in Lizard Brain's job description. But now that it's let go of the reins, the rest of Team Brain is going to need some time to figure out how to do their actual jobs the way they're supposed to, and they are WAY behind.

So my best advice is to let them adjust. Rest. Keep things simple. Help them out by establishing a regular routine- home life, work life, regular meals, regular showers, regular sleep.

Once that routine is established, you can ease of the training wheels by trying new things, new foods, new places, new people.

Help Desires Brain by experimenting, figuring out what makes you happier and what doesn't. What kind of fabrics you like, what kind of tastes you enjoy, what kind of work is pleasant and what is merely tolerable. How you enjoy being treated and what boundaries you'd prefer to maintain.

Help Emotions Brain by taking your time with strong feelings as they happen. Pause, consider how you feel, where those feelings live in your body, what physical sensations come with them. When those sensations appear, do they correspond to feelings? When? Why? Are they rational? How do you want to handle them?

Develop goals and plans from these findings. Once "tomorrow" or "next week" aren't an incomprehensible void, let yourself imagine a "next month", a "next season", a "next year".

Make stuff for fun. Save up to buy things that improve your daily life. Decide what kind of places you like to visit and when. What relaxation looks like, what self-care looks like, what a good friend or partner or coworker is.

You probably feel pretty shitty right now. You're probably going to be detached, or numb, or low, or even depressed, panicked, scared, or empty.

But eventually- once Team Brain starts to get a handle on things- the Empty and Dead will be less. New stuff will appear, like Angry and Sad and Joyous.

You're gonna Want things again, and be Excited again, and Look Forwards To things again.

It's gonna take time, though, and work, and it's definitely gonna suck sometimes, especially on days where it seems like you've gone backwards, or like you haven't moved at all.

It's not forever, though. It may SEEM like it, or like nothing else is even possible, but it isn't. I've got no damn reason to lie about that. I've been there, too.

It sucks right now. Might suck tomorrow, too. But eventually it won't. You're going to be happy, and safe, and you're going to enjoy your life and feel all kinds of love and joy and wonder again.

You're going to be okay.

It sucks right now. But you're going to be okay

[mellifexfarm]

who even is this guy

[kosmogrl]

not a caller not a texter but a secret third thing

[kosmogrl]

don’t contact me. ever

[stjarnskrik]

Her name is

She, Queen of the Kings

[dateamonster]

look i WISH more horror movies were just the directors thinly disguised fetish. instead we got all these horror movies that are just undisguised reflections of culturally hegemonic values and anxieties. like if we got some weird fetishes up in here it would probably add some variety thats all im saying.

[epicsause-official]

i recently found out what the * * * that sometimes separates parts of a text is called and youre never gonna fucking believe it

[orcarriagesthatwork]

I think about this cake every day

[tizzymcwizzy]

sorry for exposing your tags but this is hilarious

[microsuedemouse]

OP, I hope you don’t mind me making an addition:

When I turned 17, we ordered a cake at the grocery store for my party, as we’d done many times before. If you wanted something written on the cake you’d write it into a section of the order form. We requested, very simply, “Happy Birthday Courtney”. When we went to pick it up the day of the party, this is what we got.

The bakery employees had absolutely no explanation for this. The order form, attached to the box, very clearly did not contain any of those extra names. Whomever had done the writing was no longer in, so there was no one to ask how this had happened. The fact that the name ‘Juan’ is misspelled bewilders me to this day. (I’ve never seen ‘Miley’ without the E, either, but it’s believable that someone might spell it that way.) Did this cake slip in from an alternate universe where I’m one quarter of a set of Hispanic quadruplets? Dyslexic Hispanic quadruplets, maybe?

This cake became the focal point of my party. At least two of my friends regularly called me ‘Courtney Mily Jaun Pablo’ for years to come. My siblings and I still reference it sometimes, eleven years later. It is probably the funniest thing ever to occur at any birthday celebration of my life, and may well remain so for the rest of my days.

I love a botched cake.

[helenarth]

one time me and some pals spotted one of those big cookie cakes in a store. it was done up with red icing and little X's for kisses and in the middle it said

No One Like You

now, it took us a while to realise it meant "(there is) no one like you". at first, we all parsed it as a botched "no one like(s) you"

for ages after when we'd wind each other up we'd declare "NO ONE LIKE YOU ☹️👎"

[itseasytoremember]

I just feel like it's important to post the Sacred Texts

[shofarsogood]

[ekjohnston]

The Cake Wrecks blog is one that I miss.

[thevoidstaredback]

This is gonna sound gross, but people who've never had long hair have no idea how hard it is to keep your hair out of food. Keeping my hair out of the way while making food is easy and I've never gotten my hair into food I'm making. Food I'm eating, however, is another beast entirely and I've lost count of how many times I've gotten food in or accidentally eaten my hair

[5-and-a-half-acres]

Monkey pod tree canopy at the Hawaii Tropical Botanical Garden near Hilo.

[groenendaze]

baby dog says hi

[inber]

Say you break your ankle. You could know everything there is to know intellectually about the injury. Even with this vast knowledge, you will still experience physical pain.

Now take this logic and apply it to things like ADHD, autism, clinical depression, and other less visible/divergent disabilities. You cannot think your way out of feeling.

That is to say: you are not a bad, lazy, or selfish person for struggling, even if you know why you are struggling.

[thepolymorphexperience]

Genuinely, thank you so much for this.