A little vent post...
I might delete but I just want to vent. This blog has always been for shitposting anyways. Trigger warning for intimate partner violence, suicidal ideation and self harm. I'm safe now but this is about the recent past.
Last summer my partner of many years (now ex) began abusing me emotionally and cheated on me twice. The reasons for the abusive turn in 2025 I won't get into because it doesn't matter, her mental health is not an excuse. But as context it wasn't always like this.
At times I still feel like I'm back there. I feel powerless. I feel insane for feeling so enraged when I see her. Especially when I see her in the same social circles sometimes. When she gloats about how amazing she's doing. How happy she is with her new partner. I'm not jealous, god, no one could drag me back to that hell but I am not over the abuse. I may be over wanting her back but I'm not over how I was dehumanized, ridiculed and humiliated. I'm not over how I was begging her to stop hurting me, to care about me even as a human being. I'm not over the times I was reduced to a crying wreck on the floor, I'm not over the cold calculated manipulation, the face that would claim kindness but act in the most cruel ways imaginable and when I called her out she'd laugh in my face. It was constant twisting of my words, of my reality. She painted me as crazy to others, she would poke poke poke until I would scream and she'd use that. "Oh, see! She's the abusive one! She's yelling, she's out of control!" I was nothing but an object to her that she no longer had use for. Other then sexually of course. It was the only affection given to me. The most cruel irony being the fact that she was the last person I expected to act so similar to the guy that sexually assaulted me years before. While she didn't assault me, she sure made me feel like my body was all that I was worth once again.
Yeah she never hit me. She never laid a hand on me. What she did is tear me apart emotionally until I relapsed with self harm (something I had struggled with in my teens). I began to consider suicide. Something I thought I'd never think again after recovering from my mental health struggles years before. By the end I was dissociating so badly that there were moments of me completely shutting down. I could not talk, I could not move.
She was someone I trusted with my life. Someone who was once the most important person in my life, who suddenly resented my existence. I wasn't even important enough to hate. I was more like an insect to be squashed, less than human.
It was so bad that now my brain has blocked out most of it. I have big gaps in my memory. I was talking to a friend who said "oh yeah we talked like every single day at one point". I felt sick to my stomach because I do not remember. And this is by no means the only thing I don't remember.
Now more than ever I feel like I'm a fractured person with a past that is someone else's. It's been like this for a long time for other reasons, this is just the most recent one, the one I feel has changed me the most.