This was a request from oceanfox89 on Deviantart. The first picture is Jean, and the second is a reference picture of his burns.
The creator puts some trigger warnings in the beginning about Rape, Pedophilia, Necrophilia, and Death. I’ll be putting those in the tags and a few more just in case.
CP Name: None (Personally, I don’t like seeing sections where there’s nothing in them, or where the artist just puts “None”. If you have nothing to put in that section then I think you can just take that section out completely.)
Nicknames: Bat boy because his nose kinda looks like a bats because of how it points upwards, Teddy due to him living in the Teddy Bear Motel, Trix because he’s just for kids (SCREAMS, but ya know, it’s your OC. I’ll try not to judge.). All names are given to himself by himself because he has a lot of free time. (I was just about to say that you should put who gave him these nicknames. It’s good that you gave us that info.)
Age: 17, dies at almost 18
Race: White (And he’s also Albino)
Religion: Christian and loves Jesus, although he doesn’t fully understand the religion and assumes he will still go to heaven, because he thinks that he can sin as much as he want because Jesus died for it, but that’s really not the case at all. (Yeah no.)
Located in Whittier North Carolina
Hotel Info: The hotel was abandoned, and he decided to stay there because it was much warmer than his cabin in the woods because of instillation. (I think you mean insulation.)
Mental Disorders: Narcissistic personality disorder, intermediate explosive disorder.
Accent: Southern but he slurs his words, and ends up drooling a lot when talking.
Prized Possession: A Taxadermied 16 y/o girl that he did by himself, she’s kinda rotten. WIP character.
He doesn’t look too spooky, but his actions kinda spook me (Yeah me too bud.)
Hair: Light ash blonde (Whatever the fuck, just blonde basically) (Then put “Blonde”. When I look at this character, I just see blonde hair. Not a special kind of blonde, just blonde.) Medium length, although normally kept up. It’s burnt in many places on the face.
Eyes: Cat like shaped eyes. (Explain. He appears to be human, and Humans don’t have cat eyes.) They’re green or blue, not sure yet.
Body Type: Kinda muscular, pretty short. He has chubby arms <3
Extra: He has lots and lots of burns. I can’t really draw burns, they look a bit too fresh, I know (I think you did a good job though.). Due to the burns it kind of hurts him to open one side of his mouth, so when he talks and breathers and stuff one side droops and the other side goes up making him look like he’s smirking. The other side of his mouth can and does open though. (The way you talk about him feeling pain makes me confused. Are you talking about before he died or after? Because you have said he is dead, and I would assume ghosts don’t feel pain if you’re meaning him to stick around after he died.)
Outfits: Too many. Like way lots. The jeans aren’t really rolled up that high, it’s stylized.
Nose: He doesn’t have any nose skin so he can’t keep his snot in his nose and is constantly getting boogers and stuff everywhere (There went my appetite.). He can’t breathe well out of his nose because of that and he gets it in his mouth a lot because he breathes out of it. He smears it around his face, it’s gross. (Not gonna puke. I’m okay. Now one big question I have: Are you writing this before he dies or after? It’s a bit confusing since he has a death date, but so far you haven’t said if this all takes place after he died and he’s a ghost, or if this is before he died and when he died his soul went poof.)
Boots: (Couldn’t you just put this with the ‘Outfit’ section?) Cowboy boots that are brown and black, with no spurs.
Legs: (Thicc) They’re kind of chubby, but it’s really just odd weight distribution. He eats like a dog, so he’s not starving.
Jean doesn’t go out of his way to get a kill, but when he does kill it’s for sexual purposes, to get off basically. However, since what he;s into is so odd (Is odd the right word? I was thinking more like sick, perverted, awful…), it doesn’t feel like the victim is being sexually violated, which he thinks is wrong. How he kills in (Is?) he normally bashed their head in with his hockey stick, or slice them with it. He will occasionally hang them, or make small cuts in them and let them bleed out. (So.. let me get this straight. He’s a Christian, and he thinks sexually violating people is wrong, so he doesn’t think what he’s doing is sexually violating them. But he’s okay with murder of the worst kinds? This seems a bit off.)
Fetishes: One reason that Jean kills is to get a good wank. His sex thing was badly burnt when they were attacked (Who’s they?) and overtime he developed strange fetishes that he does to his victims. (Oooh but it’s not sexually violating them, so it’s fine in his mind.)
(The creator has a trigger warning here, so if you’re triggered by Pedophilia, Necrophilia, Death, Murder, so on, then skip this part.)
Erotophonophilia: Sexual pleasure in murder
Piquerism: Pleasure in piercing or cutting the flesh
Zoosadism: Inflicting pain in animals, or seeing animals in pain
Personality: He’s a dick. He won’t talk to or go after anyone over 20. He pretends to be sweet and happy and pretends to not have much of a personality, and being 2 dimensional like a cartoon character to trick kids into thinking he is fun loving and happy. (That was a bit of a run-on sentence, even with all of the commas.) He’s really just a sad, perverted sex freak, who loves targeting the weak, young and venerable (Vulnerable.). He occasionally will belittle his victims before he kills them once he’s caught him (Them?) in his shed or in the motel, and just yell at them because he is angry for no reason. He really does regret it, and it doesn’t feel as great as it did. Misogynistic type (Hates women) Why have sex if it’s no love? (That didn’t make sense. He’s fucking children.) He’s secretly extremely sad with what he’s done with his life. Before it even started really. He’s only 17. He could have made a family of his own. He knows he blew his only chance at a family and love, he messed it up the second he got it. Nobody told him it was wrong, what he did to his sister (SCREAMS I’m not gonna even start.). And if you can’t fix what’s broken, break it more, right? (SCREAM)
Likes: Children, getting off to dead people (In holes he cuts in them, not birth canals.), Sugar Rice Krinkles, Jesus, eating flowers, staplers, NICKELODEON, the cold, wet pleasure of penetrating corpses, acting, being romantic, however his version of romantic is sick and twisted, exhibitionism, killing hikers and fucking their dogs.
Dislikes: Hippies, because they annoy the fuck out of him, Victims who scream or bark too loud and hurt his ears, most people besides himself, loud noises, “Kinkshaming”, men. (So he doesn’t like men or women.)
Beliefs: He believes that killing children and bashing in the stomachs of pregnant women is fine to save the women from living miserable lives. He thinks it’s immoral to have real sex with women, because he never has, but he does cuts holes into them is fair game. (That last part didn’t make much sense, and SCREAMS.)
Strength: He is fast, in the short periods of time he can run, from practice he can swing his hockey stick well, he can climb, and get into small places easily, can fallow (Follow?) things well with his eye and rarely loses sight of victims. Because they’re dumb children and loud animals. (Don’t start a sentence off with “Because”.)
Weaknesses: He’s human, he has human weaknesses, he has poor eyesight because he is albino (I don’t think that makes much sense considering you said he can follow things well with his eyes. If he has poor eyesight then I think it would hinder his ability to track things well with his eyes.), and his hair is also easily grabbed and pulled (Considering his victims are children or animals, this isn’t a weakness.). He also has problems with running for a long time because his nose is normally clogged and he can’t breathe. Also, because he is normally breathing from his mouth, he has a hard time sneaking up on people. He is much weaker than most men. He doesn’t have any depth perception because his eye was burnt over (Again, this would make it difficult to track things well with his eyes.)
Theme song: Yonkers Instrumental by Tyler the Creator and Goosebumps Instrumental by Travis Scott. (I’ve said this before in some videos CC has done, but I never really see a point to giving your character a theme song. I’ve just never seen a character where it’s necessary.)
Androphobia: Fear of adult men, due to most of them being stronger than him.
Mastigophobia: Fear of whis
Since the motel doesn’t have electricity, when he kills an animal, he eats it. Probably died from tetanus or being shot, I’m not sure yet, possibly froze to death. (This is Your character, it is important for you to decide how he died.) He’s not gay btw. He’s all badass until someone attacks back, then he’s a little bitch. (CONSIDERING HIS VICTIMS ARE KIDS AND ANIMALS who attacks back??)
The creator gives a trigger warning again before the background, so if any of the stuff mentioned earlier was a trigger for you, then I suggest skipping over this.
Jean was born and left at the hospital. However, he was adopted by a “nice” couple that took care of him until he was around 7. However the father cheated on the mom and the mom became angry at Jean and his siblings at the time. The people he had always known as his real family. (That sentence was a bit weird just being stuck in there like that.) He was taken away by CPS and placed into foster care while his mother was evaluated. He was placed in a few more terrible homes until he finally go to Edmunds (Until he finally go to Edmunds? Maybe “Got to the Edmund’s family.” would work better.) They were a nice Mexican family. He had a little sister names Sarah in that family. He became very addicted to TV and his family got him whatever he wanted to deal with his trauma. They gave him whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted, so it made him very self absorbed. But he wasn’t satisfied. Jean eventually fell in love, but he knew her family would stop them from being together, so he kidnapped her in the night and ran away with her, taking the things they bonded over with them, so that just maybe she would forgive him. He was immediately found out and the town basically went out in a mob to go find him. When he was found he was attacked, rather violently, because the townspeople much rather did things on their own and not with legal help, so they decided to chase him down and catch him by themselves. It was like an old fashioned mob. One mad (Man?) decided too (to) pick up a lantern but dropped it and it burnt the two children (You’re telling me that this character got those horrible burns from a man accidentally dropping his lantern? That need much more detail than you’ve given it, because I just don’t see that happening.). He assumed he killed them. The girl died but Jean didn’t (Whaaaattt). When their parents found out they were devastated, they never knew he survived.
Jean was absolutely devastated, the only person he could ever truly love was dead. He ran to a hotel, that had been very important to him as a child (That comma isn’t needed.). Only to learn (That period between “child” and “Only” could be turned into a comma. That would make much more sense as one sentence.) that it had been abandoned, which was a pleasant surprise to him. He and his sisters dead corpse stayed at the motel for the longest time until she started rotting, so Jean started looking for a new body. (Wait, hold up. I was just about to ask when the sister came into this because you had mentioned her earlier. You never said that it was his sister he ran away with, and that it was his sister who died. You should go back and specify so that we’re not confused.)
He found a cabin in the woods (Hold up again, when you mentioned the Hotel earlier in the bio you made it sound like he found the hotel AFTER the cabin. You should really figure out how you want your order of events to go so that we’re not so confused.) and camped there and killed any children that happened to wander in. And animals, and eventually pregnant women. (Oh yes because children and pregnant women wander around the woods a lot. I also have another problem with this transition to him killing kids, but I’ll save it for the final thoughts.)
One day he was strolling around in his little forest, and found some campers. A single dad, a daughter who was 11, and a son who was 13, and their dog. He snuck into their tent while the dad went away to get the truck. Jean underestimates how strong the son us. Jean assumes he can go in, kill the brother, and steal the sister and the dog. He intended to kill him with a hammer he found in his motel. He walks in and accident (Accidentally.) steps on the brother. His brother was SHOOK (Hate that word.) and immediately started beating Jean over the head with the closest object, a flashlight. He does it to the point when (where) his head is cracked and bleeding out. The brother told him to scram, which he did, only to come around the other side and snatch up the dog and sister (No no no, you just said his head was cracked and bleeding. He has a serious concussion going into minor brain trauma. He would not be going anywhere. Walking would be one of the most difficult things he’d ever had to do, let alone staying conscious.). Jean even this dazed and confused state still managed to run with them and climb to the roof of the motel (Noooot possible. To a concussion of that degree where his scull is noticeably cracked an bleeding, he would not just be DAZED.). He held the dog over the roof to taunt the brother. The father came then. Seeing one of his beloved children in danger he climbed up the roof with Jean. He grabbed Jean by the hair and dragged him down from the roof down the fire escape. He took the hammer Jean had, and grabbed wads of his blood clotted hair and nailed it to a wall (He just nailed his hair to a wall? What is that supposed to do exactly??). Jean passed out (Which he should have done a long time ago.). When he woke up the father forcefully ripped him from the wall, scalping him and exposing the hole in the skull his son had made (Okay if you meant he nailed his scalp to the wall, you should have said that. And if it’s a freaking HOLE the son made, not just a crack, yeah he wouldn’t be running around picking up kids and climbing motels.). The father shoves his foot in the crack (And it’s a crack now?) and spread it more. Jean was basically having full blown seizures at this point. The dad gets the scalp and then he tied it around his neck and hung him (I’m going to admit something and be very blunt about it to: That part just seems stupid. How the hell do you hang someone with their own scalp?). And finally tore the better part of his face off and left him there to die, even though he probably already died before. (Yes it sounds like he died, so why didn’t you put this as the way he died, instead of saying that you might have him die from the cold or whatever?) The thirty-two year old man, Walter Hugo, was later charged with the multiple murders, and minor rape. (Who did he rape?? We know your character killed and raped several kids and people, but this guy didn’t. There would be enough evidence on the bodies to prove this man didn’t do it. So yes, Walter would be charged with manslaughter for killing Jean, but not multiple murders or any rapes. It just doesn’t make sense to write that he got charged for those.) Walter was sent to death row and Jean was obviously dead. (He might be sent to death row for how gruesomely he killed Jean, but I think more likely he’d just have life in prison without possibility of Parole.)
Starting with the picture: I don’t have much to say about these pictures. I really don’t like looking at them, because I think you got the burns and his nose pretty spot on (although you’re right, they do look a bit too fresh.) The only thing I would change is to make it more obvious that he has patched of hair missing.
Now on to the bio: How do I put this… It was really detailed, and while you did have some mistakes with spelling, sentence structure, and sentences just flat out making no sense, this was one of the better bio’s I have read. I don’t think the theme song is necessary, if he doesn’t have a CP name then get rid of that section, and if you’re going to make him die in the end like you did, then state that in the cause of death. The backstory was a bit confusing, I think you need to explain that it was his sister he fell in love with and ran away with, because that was a bit confusing, and you should probably look up symptoms of a serious concussion and brain trauma, and then rewrite that whole last sentence because really it is a miracle he did all of that with that kind of head trauma.
I just want to add here, that I apologize if I seem harsh to this character and the creator. I don’t mean it to come off that way. This was a….good character by how well you made the bio and drew him, but I personally just can’t like this character because of what he does, so that’s why I might seem a bit harsh in this review.
I feel like I need to go wash my hands and chug some Holy water. Good job on the character.
This character belongs to oceanfox89 on Deviantart.
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