Vesta

[caitlinxeliz]

[kylebonallo]

Wengen by Kyle Bonallo (ig: @kylebonallo)

[surqrised]

“Go and love someone exactly as they are. then, watch how they transform into the greatest truest version of themselves. when one feels seen and appreciated in their own essence, one is instantly empowered.”

— Wes Angelozzi

[kuutamosonaatti]

Sämpycat in snow

[shiruki]

[tetheredstrings]

From The 50 Greatest Love Letters of All Time, edited by David H, Lowenherz

[caitlinxeliz]

Is this what I’ve been testing the boundaries of? . . Scraping the surface of a world that is *not* a trauma world. The internal Death Mother lives on and tries to drag me back down. It’s working. . . Even if I am not quite convinced of a world that doesn’t require trauma-responses as a navigation system, where hypervigilance is unnecessary, I am still willing to believe that it might be there, waiting for me. . . Not waiting passively. Actively waiting. Life beckons us and only we get to decide whether we will answer, not whether we are worthy. . . Like all parallel realities, I can choose which timeline I will enter into. Trauma-World or Supportive Universe. . . The Death Mother says that even if the Supportive Universe exists, I am not worthy of it. . . The great hoax of the mind is that worthiness isn’t earned, it is granted the moment we show up. If you show up, you are already worthy. . . Trauma-World is terrifying. I don’t want to live here anymore. . . #healing #emotionalintelligence #consciousliving #consciousness #selfaware #personalgrowth #motherwound #growthmindset #intuition #lightwork #spirituality #emotionalabuse #boundaries #recovery #consciousmama #consciousparent #relationships #relationshipgoals #spiritualawakening #awakening #empath #selfcompassion #traumaworld #deathmother (at Ottawa, Ontario) https://www.instagram.com/p/B2w4Q2RAKm0/?igshid=s22wkqfx1gnx

[caitlinxeliz]

When my body is in pain + has needs, my conditioned response is to cast judgment and blame upon myself. . . “You don’t eat healthy enough” “You don’t exercise enough” “You eat too much sugar” “You need to practice mindfulness” “This is a reflection of what’s wrong with you. Fix yourself.” . . The mind will use anything as a weapon. As we reclaim the knowledge of the emotional + physical body connection, we remember that our bodies will tell us where trauma is stored and what needs our attention. . . It’s easy to turn this wisdom into judgment, with which we may continue to punish ourselves. . . I was in yoga and felt a pulsing pain in my knee. I was reflecting on this observation. I judge myself nearly every time I experience body pain that I intuitively know has an energetic + emotional component. . . I asked, “Why?” . . Flash! The answer arrives. . . As a child, if my caregivers were not okay with me being not okay, it meant that I had to force okayness upon myself as a means of making them okay. When my not-okay became their shortcoming, I experienced dismissal or criticism. When they refused to witness my truth, it meant that I was “wrong” and my needs weren’t met. . . As an adult, my active mind takes on the role of a toxic care giver and my body takes on the role of inner child. . . Body communicates simply: pain, hunger, thirst, soreness. Or just a longing for rest, to be touched, to be held, to be taken somewhere new. . . If I choose to view my body’s communication as “wrong” (as my needs were “wrong” as a child) then I will immediately jump to judgment, fixing, numbing, or ignoring. . . The reality is, everything our body is or does is okay. Everything belongs. We seek to meet needs (rest, love, nourishment, connection, medication, meditation...) and seek to cease all that doesn’t serve (ignoring, numbing, medication, and all forms of self abuse). . . However, if the primary focus is on “stopping” what doesn’t serve, then we miss the more important step: Everything Belongs. . . When the paradigm is Belonging to Self, we are able to respond to ourselves with compassion. . . Every bit of YOU, as you are now, belongs. . . 📷: @raportraits (at Ottawa, Ontario) https://www.instagram.com/p/B2uWmlEg0Zg/?igshid=xueluzwcqw69

[caitlinxeliz]

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by 𝙲 𝚊 𝚒 𝚝 𝚕 𝚒 𝚗 (@graceunfoldingwithcaitlin) on Sep 19, 2019 at 7:11am PDT

[caitlinxeliz]

I’ve opened up this little box to write you a note a handful of times in the past few weeks. I didn’t know what to say or how to say it. I wanted to talk about the planets or my family or how I’ve been going through everything and nothing at all here in Ottawa. . . And really, that’s what I want to talk about today. How much of nothing is happening here at my partner’s parent’s house. . . Because that’s the way it should be. A peaceful nothingness. . . I used to live waiting for the other shoe to drop. I didn’t even understand that expression until recent years because my entire life experience had been doing exactly that and I just couldn’t see the irony in it because, to me, waiting for the other shoe to drop was life in a nut shell. . . There was always another shoe. And another. And another. . . I didn’t know that they were shoes, didn’t ask where they came from. The thing about shoes falling is it hurts less if your head is down and your back is braced for impact. So that’s how I lived. . . Later, I started to see where the shoes were coming from. There was one man in particular who was feeding shoes through a tennis ball launcher at 0.5sec apart. I unplugged his machine and disappeared from his reality. . . I started peeking up to see that there were others, too. Some I didn’t expect. Several in my family. Some where friends who held the shoe causally at their side. Maybe they wouldn’t drop it on me, but instead just hit me on the side of the head with it. . . I learned to avoid the people holding shoes. I figured out that feeling I’d get inside my gut, where I sensed someone had a shoe in their bag or their car. You know, saving it for later. I realized that if someone took out a shoe for someone else, who wasn’t me, that it was only a matter of time before they brought out a shoe for me too. . . Now, I’m barefoot in the grass. I still don’t really know where that saying came from, “waiting for the other shoe to drop,” but I do know that I’m not waiting to be abused anymore. . . I’ve let go of that outdated, harmful belief that bad-news is always coming down the pipes from heaven. Life can be like this. Really, bloody normal. . . Continues 💎 https://www.instagram.com/p/B2j30YvAkwo/?igshid=1wk5c98o4v6xz

[caitlinxeliz]

Perfectionism, avoiding conflict, editing the way we express and what we say — in an effort to appease others or manipulate interactions — are trauma responses. . . This is how we seek control. Control leads us to believe that we might be able to influence an interpersonal outcome by sacrificing integrity, boundaries, honesty, and our own essence. . . The fear of saying too much or too little was bred by people who would have been impossible to please either way. . . How are you unlearning this? . . I’m a big believer in enduring discomfort + fear in healthy relationships with safe people as a means of shedding trauma and learning a new way of being in the world. Remembering our integrity is a practice that never ends 🙏🏻 . . Tag someone who is a “sweet spot” for you 💖 xx (at Ottawa, Ontario) https://www.instagram.com/p/B1g3b3nAZTb/?igshid=1j4cu6narf05h

[caitlinxeliz]

Perfectionism, avoiding conflict, editing the way we express and what we say — in an effort to appease others or manipulate interactions — are trauma responses. . . This is how we seek control. Control leads us to believe that we might be able to influence an interpersonal outcome by sacrificing integrity, boundaries, honesty, and our own essence. . . The fear of saying too much or too little was bred by people who would have been impossible to please either way. . . How are you unlearning this? . . I’m a big believer in enduring discomfort + fear in healthy relationships with safe people as a means of shedding trauma and learning a new way of being in the world. Remembering our integrity is a practice that never ends 🙏🏻 . . Tag someone who is a “sweet spot” for you 💖 xx (at Ottawa, Ontario) https://www.instagram.com/p/B1g28jMg6MW/?igshid=1rh6ujjwih1bu

[caitlinxeliz]

Without even knowing it, trauma helps us to form walls - false belief systems - that will protect us from that same pain in the future. . . We learn to avoid situations instead of abusive people. We want to avoid characteristics instead of behaviours. Our idea of a ‘red flag’ can become twisted. We develop fears that sound rational but are actually removed from the truth of what we experienced. . . We might otherwise blame situations or circumstances because putting the responsibility where it belongs (on people + behaviour) means that we need to adjust our boundaries... risking relationships or possibly having to take actions to end them. . . Fear weaves a wild web of false belief systems, road blocks, walls, veils, and madness. . . Thank you, Fear, for doing your best to protect me. I don’t need you anymore, in this situation. I’ve received your concerns and suggestions and decided that they don’t apply to these circumstances. (at Sudbury, Ontario) https://www.instagram.com/p/B1b3hA-gQ1g/?igshid=dg2x700xas6m

[caitlinxeliz]

The most painful part of moving + meeting Adrian’s extended family has been the questions about my family. . . There is stigma around estrangement that (for me) doesn’t make it worth while to tell the truth. . . I’ve been asked all sorts of questions about where my family is from. Most of my family lives in Ontario, not terribly far from Montreal. People say things like, “Your mum must be happy!” and “so this move is kind of like going home for you?” and “It must have been hard to leave your sister.” . . For better or for worse, I swallow the pain of it and give evasive responses like, “I guess so,” with a shrug. “Kind of, Yeah...” or change the topic. . . How do I tell them that I don’t have a ‘home?’ How do I tell them that Ontario was so traumatizing for me that I’ll probably never live there again? How do I tell them that my sister hasn’t spoke to me since before Christmas and didn’t reach out to me before I left? How do I tell them that I’ve chosen not to speak to my mother for almost a year? . . I don’t. I can’t. People who I’ve just met? There’s really no reason to even begin to broach that topic. . . It hurts me. Adrian’s family is invested in their grand children. My mother told me to my face that she’s afraid of my son and doesn’t really feel comfortable being alone with him. Meeting his family has been like dipping into an alternate reality where families are imperfect but invested and not actively harming each other. . . I still don’t want their life, though, I want mine. . . The world is my home. Everywhere I go, I am at peace. Everywhere I roam, I am held and supported. Every place I live, I attract the right people to teach me, love me, accept me. . . I want to be seen, heard, loved... on my terms. I won’t settle for crumbs. The whole wide world is at my finger tips, and I have no need for settling. (at Davidson, Saskatchewan) https://www.instagram.com/p/B1UJ6xnAPgl/?igshid=drnv1stzjuc1

[caitlinxeliz]

There’s this sense that I’ve had since I was young that I am a bystander to the whole world there’s “them” and then there’s “me” and I have never been worthy significant or special enough Enough to be in the game. It didn’t matter that I was successful growing up (as per what the status quo of “success” looks like for children — a twisted concept) I never saw a place for myself in the world. And maybe that’s a sign that I wasn’t successful as a child. A method of survival head down stay out of the way don’t strive too much or care about anything in any particular way (risking ridicule) Avoiding disappointing myself? No... Avoiding humiliation, failure in the eyes of my parents. Scrutinizing eyes. I remember in school the idea of “goals” stressed me out (at the time I had no idea why). Why would I want to set a goal? I was already ticking off all the appropriate boxes for adult approval. Why would I set myself up to fail, when I could succeed without trying too hard? Set the bar low, where I know I can reach it. I wasn’t interested in challenges for personal growth. If you don’t set goals Don’t have a plan you can do what you’re doing make it look okay fit those social norms... and, mostly, people leave you alone. I’ve set and achieved some goals in the past few years. It was hard for me to believe that I was worth it. I had to give myself permission to fail, just in case that happened. I had to be open to the path unfolding. In my career, I haven’t ever Ever set any goals. I didn’t even have a goal to finish school. I wanted to drop out in 3rd year, and probably should have. I gave up that idea in response to my mother’s pleading — who didn’t help at all (in any way, even emotionally) with my education. She lived vicariously through mine and my sister’s accomplishments and really wanted to have “a daughter who graduated from University.” I am saddled with debt now. I don’t regret finishing, that’s just what happens when you keep on going to school until it’s over, 4 years later. Yeah, I’ve got that paper. It’s helped a bit. I’ve developed my own strange kind of career path. But none of this was my goal or dream. Continues 🌸 (at Saskatoon, Saskatchewan) https://www.instagram.com/p/B1SxjlUg7rg/?igshid=a0rjq101hc92

[caitlinxeliz]

On this enlightening Aquarius full moon — free yourself. . . . Even if they are lying Even if they’ve twisted the story Even if there were extenuating circumstances Even if it’s cost you other relationships Even if they were wrong Even if you did your best Even if you’ve already apologized . . . Let them have their story Let them barter for pity Let them seduce new lovers Let them fool their selves Let them lie Let them live in their skewed reality . . . Let them & Let it Go. . . . When we allow them this freely — and focus on rebuilding our lives FORWARD — we make them utterly and completely irrelevant. . . . #healing #emotionalintelligence #consciousliving #consciousness #selfaware #personalgrowth #motherwound #growthmindset #intuition #lightwork #spirituality #emotionalabuse #boundaries #recovery #consciousmama #consciousparent #relationships #relationshipgoals #spiritualawakening #awakening #empath #selfcompassion #letgo #moveon #fullmoon (at Alsask, Saskatchewan) https://www.instagram.com/p/B1MlHCcg0ql/?igshid=kytcr75l1syn

[caitlinxeliz]

The remedy is to keep on creating for inspiration owes me nothing. Art is the product of my duty to myself my obligation to serve. There isn’t any success or failure here Art is the path on which I walk Art is the footprints I leave behind Art is the discipline to always return. Inspiration says, Do you want to play again? Art is the answer, which is always Yes. Art is not my baby to follow, feed, and protect. I don’t hold that power No one does. I am the creator I am the created. I do not give birth to art It gives birth to me. . . . . . . . . . #healing #emotionalintelligence #consciousliving #consciousness #selfaware #personalgrowth #motherwound #growthmindset #intuition #lightwork #spirituality #emotionalabuse #boundaries #empath #selfcompassion #creativity #poem #poetry #creative #bigmagic #inspiration #art #artist (at Drumheller, Alberta) https://www.instagram.com/p/B1LFfhCgBU2/?igshid=hmdo7gwiiecs