The last few months for Benjy had been a haze, a whirlwind of emotions he thought he’d buried and a colorful array of new ones he never knew existed. The happiness of waking up next to Caitriona was indescribable. To hold her, to kiss her, to laugh underneath the covers and whisper sweet words into her ear, was what Benjy had longed for since he’d first knew he was in love with her. It was like getting everything he had wished for– almost.
It was a conversation with his best mate Tiberius that had illuminated what Benjy had been wanting to keep in the dark these past months: the deep, continuous, paralyzing fear that everything with Caitriona was temporary. That at a moment’s notice it would all disappear again, leaving him more crippled with heartbreak than before. He’d do anything to hold onto Caitriona and be able to call her his, to show her the world by his side, but he couldn’t risk his heart anymore. Not again. When he would make this decision, he didn’t know, for every time they met again it was like all of Benjy’s convictions were erased and he wanted to cling to every second he had with her.
That morning, he had grander things than his clandestine relationship weighing on his mind. Benjy had stared at the blank journal page for so long his vision had gone blurry. He’d been debating, going back and forth, weighing the benefits and downfalls of warning Caitriona about tomorrow’s operation. Ultimately, he had scribed the simple yet serious warning into the charmed pages, knowing it was the first thing she would see in the morning. Benjy wouldn’t be able to live with himself if the operation went astray and Caitriona ended up at the wrong place at the wrong time. The guilt would ruin him, more deeply than anything had before.
He shouldn’t have been shocked by the sound of knocks on his door and Caitriona bursting into his flat. He’d been expecting it, yet not so soon, so it took him a moment to recover and come up with his answer. “It might not be safe,” Benjy explained. “I can’t give out details, Cait, but I need you to trust me.”
Caitriona didn’t have to ask if Benjy’s cryptic note had to do with the Order, the look on his face confirmed her worst fears. Her heart sank to the floor as her mind began to race. They’d never really continued their conversation about his involvement in the group; she hadn’t had the heart to bring it up while he’d still been under the effects of the veritaserum back in January and since then she’d been distracted. Whenever she was with him there always seemed like better things to do than start a fight. She didn’t want to jeopardize this strange twist of fate that had brought them back together, didn’t want to test the strength of his rediscovered feelings. But now she was faced with a situation where she knew the Order was making a move, and a dangerous one if it involved Gringotts, and she had no idea just how involved Benjy might be, just what he was risking.
“Don’t make this about trust.” Caitriona’s voice was far too shrill for her own liking. She didn’t want to be angry at Benjy, and she wasn’t; she was scared, which was far worse. She crossed her arms, gripping her elbows to stop her hands shaking. She trusted Benjy more than she trusted any other person, possibly more than she trusted herself, but that didn’t mean she trusted the Order, it didn’t mean he was safe. The idea that Benjy might walk out the door tomorrow and never return, that this might be the last time she saw him… It was unthinkable, yet at the same time it made it difficult to think of anything else. But it would be oddly fitting, in a horrible way, if after having to publicly mourn the death of the husband she hadn’t cared for at all, she’d have to pretend to be unbothered by the death of the only person she’d ever been in love with.
Caitriona had to push that thought aside, although she couldn’t banish it completely. “Are you going to be there? Because if you’re going to be there, then I am going.” Caitriona couldn’t join the Order, she didn’t particularly want to. She couldn’t follow Benjy every time he put himself in danger to make sure that he came back, that he came home to her, in one piece. She couldn’t always protect him, not from his job and not from the Order, but she could go to Gringotts. There was no reason for her not to visit her bank on any day and at any time she deemed necessary. And if that corresponded with a vigilante attack on the institution, there was no reason for anyone to suspect she’d known about it ahead of time. Maybe Caitriona couldn’t always protect Benjy, but if he was going to be part of an attack on Gringotts, she could make sure there was one person there who cared more about his safety than anything else.