vvincere aut mori @caligulaascendit - Tumblr Blog

Your name is ERIDAN AMPORA. The LEVIATHAN. You are 13 sweeps old, commander of the IMPERIAL LEGION and HER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION'S lap dog. Far gone are the halcyon days of your wigglerhood. If there was ever a doubt in your pusher about where your allegiance lies, it's long been smothered under the ashes of fallen federations. You have decimated whole galaxies in the name of THE EMPIRE. Despite your illustrious military career, your personal life remains unfulfilling. No amount of imperial dinners can satiate the yawning chasm inside you that aches for companionship. But let's be real: if your fronds didn't like you before, they most certainly hate your abdominal sausages now. You have no bridges left to burn.

#ooc.#please like this post if youve read my rules/about ty!

opened this empress forsaken wwebsite after twwo human months an that four eyed puppygirl is still just as obsessed wwith me i mean geez jade ask a guy out for oysters first

#ic.#dash comm.

you fackin cunt

#ic.#jadeyharls

What do you worry about the most? What keeps you up at night?

fuck please stop wwith the bloody pop quizzes

#ic.#ask.

https://www.tumblr.com/caligulaascendit/816274129022058496/just-had-to-see-the-wwords-hemoanon-friendly-wwith

Mayb3 You Should R3R3ad Again It And S33 If You 3xplod3.

if i explode itll spread wwhatevver contagion wwhats infectin me to the masses so dont mind if i do

#ask.#ic.#ugly ass quirk btww

What’s your opinion on online influencers? Would you ever be a content creator? What kind of content would you make if you had to.

wwhat kind a dumb a arse question is this genuinely wwhat made ya think oh yeah this is the perfect thin to wwelcome eri back after his hiatus hes gonna lovve this monotonous slop i got from a questionnaire in the back a an old issue a grub beat

the day i begin callin myself a content creator consider it a stifled cry for help from the grotesque multiplyin tumorous mass a an online persona that has become inexplicably entangled wwith my soul i havve officially lost my coddamn mind an not in an appreciable or wwhimsical wway like a screwwy ol wwarlock spurnin normies from his spiral towwer

hope that answwers your shit question

#ic.#ask.

just had to see the wwords hemoanon friendly wwith my owwn twwo precious princess charmin bulbs an felt my blood pressure rise

#ic.#dash comm.

been dillyin an dallyin shootin an shiddin peepin an creepin an takin part in other somesuch activvities to further enlighten myself also shot some anti riflekind protestors that wwere picketin on my lawwn

#wwhat has evveryone been up to #jk dont tell me cause i dont givve a FAWWK #ic.

// tumblr...come back to me tumblr

#// i miss it here its so cozy #// its been quiet on my end because i dont like posting in a void #// well outside of keeping up with one thread #// ill be more active once people return IF they return #// but i yam more or less still here #ooc.#tbd.

pentious

"You can let the complement exist, you know." They can't help but shake their head, incredulously smiling at how nostalgic this silly little set up is. Can't help but wince at the nasty sound of vinyl on wood, though.

"Alas." They tut, securing the last of the easel. "A few hundred sweeps getting used to one's title makes it more of an issue to change back. Besides, I'm disappointingly divorced from my hatchname." At least to those fresh off of interacting with their own Zahhak. Loom takes out a comically classic, wooden pallet.

The fact that their host is blushing pings off their pan like a cellphone tower, "Unless you prefer the intimate, perverse pleasure of the familiar. I won't deprive you, Eridan." In fact, such banter makes them forget, for a little bit, what a little cosmic freak they've become. Setting the pallet aside in the little shelf of the easel, Loom thinks.

The satisfyingly even tempo of their footsteps thumps on the wood, as they pace to the direction of warmth. A window, maybe? "Do you have a greenhouse, or a few potted plants we could commandeer?" A formality, of course he does. "Some very dramatic lighting is in order..." They tap their chin, the act of which triggers the new 'heir of light' powers: the room suddenly looks like a Rembrandt painting, high contrast and severe shadows from no apparent source.

"My portfolio is on my blog." Another chin tap, less harsh shadows. Yeah, that feels good! "No immolation required, I assure you."

They step back, hum. "Here, please." They gently wave him over, pointing to a spot that tickles the brain. The wood is so shiny that it makes bounce lighting. Oooo. With a gesture, the rim lighting becomes a dim violet... Yeah, he should like that.

They hardly notice his last remark, "Hm? Your hairline is fine, don't be foolish." Making him look dignified... Well, that's where the real trouble lies. The impossible will take a little while.

Loom pantomimes and poses a few different ways. Standing up straight, they end up with a hand tucked under their crop top, weight settled on one hip. "Try something like this? Your hand between the belts." Rather than under a boob. Very Napoleon coded, if Napoleon was stuck in an oyster for a very long time.

caligulaascendit

He sits back, watching them do their thing, cheek resting against his knuckles in ennui. He's had his portrait painted before, but this felt a lot more intimate. Loom could hardly be regarded as the blue-blooded boy who played with robots, but the inklings of Equius Zahhak were there. Their eyes still lit up the same way his did at the sight of anything equine. For all Loom's warnings about the perverse pleasures of the familiar, the familiar was unavoidable.

"I ain't foolish, I'm realistic." Eridan follows their lead, uncharacteristically pliant. The dramatic lights hurt his eyes. He squints, resembling a crotchety tomcat. "Not a greenhouse, but there's a courtyard." Same difference. "I''ll call one a'the servants to take you. But I must warn you, don't think about snoopin' around. I have my way a'findin' out about these thins." He feels just a tad ridiculous threatening an eldritch abomination, but maintaining a reputation often requires making a fool of oneself.

He looks incredibly displeased as he mimes their pose. Napoleon is an apt comparison, considering he's forced to look up Loom's nose every time they speak. Their stompers just add insult to injury. If anyone needs extra inches right now, it's Eridan, who has put all his focus into keeping an erect spine, so that not a single centimeter is wasted. He looks comical. Truly, Napoleon has met his match.

"Your outfit is outrageous, for the record. People are gonna think I'm doin' somethin' illicit instead a'gettin' my portrait painted, like havin' my bulge throated in an empty studio by a hooker. What kind a'sick fuck enjoys that?" His voice is tinged with envy, as if he secretly preferred the alternative. Sweeps of being a kissless virgin will do that to you. Loom could be the mailman, and he'd still get that fleeting itch in his pusher to do something awful.

He wonders whether they'll want some form of recompense once all is said and done. While money is of no issue, never been of issue, something tells him that a void god has no use for paper notes with faces of seminal trolls on them. Maybe he'll gift them a pair of shoes without a 4-inch platform out of spite.

"How long is this gonna take? I got emails to answer; my secretary walked out on me."

#ic.#para.#voidy

If you had to form a 90s style boy band with you and three other people you know. Who would it be? And what would your band name be?

i cannot think a anythin more humiliatin than bein forced to sing an ovverproduced pop song wwhile shakin my ass an contortin my body to induce bowwel movvement in front a an audience a fangirls wwho are gonna go home an draww me gettin backshots from my felloww group members

hard pass

#ic.#ask.

((love his grandma's boy antagonist-lookin ass

// YES. You see the vision. Holy shit. And thank you, omg. His design was born from two things: 1) my love of industrial goth & jhonen vasquez's old work (especially invader zim) and 2) the proliferation of cuntydan; I wanted to do my own thing.

#ooc.#ask.

pentious

Loom looks dead ahead, eyes unblinking on both face and wing. Their world has been rocked very recently, and his abrasive manner isn't eliciting the reaction he may expect from Equii of the past. Loom is older than they, themself, can comprehend.

It's a nonchalance that comes from fresh catatonia, sure, but mostly age. A change of scenery seemed to be in order, a breath of fresh, fishy air. Their hands are calloused, strong, slender fingers. "Voidloom, or Loom if you please." A curt nod as they give his gloved hand a single, jocular shake. "The... Light show is a side effect of grey-faced meddling. Believe me, I would spare you, had I the option." It's said in humor, a bitter tang.

At the mention of space, all six wings unfurl, and give a nice big stretch. Loom maneuvers to the open center, setting down the easel and accompanying accoutrements. They don't react dramatically to his prodding, recalling their own timeline's Eridan. Loom had done unspeakable things to that man, and felt a little guilty about it in the face of one so familiar.

"If it is too good for me, I doubt you'd bother hosting me to begin with. Why debase yourself?" Said as they set up. All raw woods, smelling of danish oil. They have an aura of 'I've been through this, settle down Ampora.'

"Do you have a desired pose, or shall I tether you to my yoke?" They offer a smile, one that is genuinely excited to tune out everything, and focusing on nothing but the act of creation.

While the Admiral is in his Sophie Ponyboy era, Equius is more... Kerli. All gothic whites and iridescent hues, lace and ruffles and platform boots that could bludgeon a man. "It smells good in here." They note, leather always had that smell. Loom on the other hand smells like jasmine, a side effect of staying with Kanaya.

caligulaascendit

"A'course it smells good. I don't tolerate messes. You can tell a lot about a person from how they live. One cannot be productive if they are surrounded by chaos."

Loom is strong. Eridan prematurely breaks the handshake, wiping his hand off on his thigh. "Housekeepin' an' mental hygiene go hand in hand."

"See? Not a speck of dust." He declared, holding a finger out as proof after running it across the floorboards. Indeed, the vinyl black of his gloves appeared unsullied. "You could lick this floor, that's how clean it is, Loom."

Loom. Loom. Loom. Their name feels like swallowing a tennis ball. "What an odd name you have. Really, it'd be much easier to go by Equius Zahhak. Save everyone else the trouble."

He meandered back to the wingback chair, not unlike a curmudgeonly old man after tiring himself out ranting at the clouds, and sank with an “oof.” "I am wonderin' if I jumped into this a little too hastily. I haven't actually seen your portfolio." A slight flush crept over his cheekbones, ashamed of his very unadmiral-esque hastiness.

"If it turns out you're a hack, we're never speakin' a this again. I will set fire to that paintin' right here if I have to. Empress, help me, it cannot be allowed to see the light a'day. However, assumin' things go as planned, I suppose I can allow you some artistic freedom, just expect to be prompted.”

“I want to look dignified."

"And make sure you lower my hairline.” He adds, then attempts to mask his request by coughing into a tight fist.

#ic.#para.#voidy

// Remember Feferi's off-hand comment about Eridan spending all his time on the surface despite being the self-proclaimed CEO of terrestrial racism? We can infer one of three things: Eridan is hydrophobic, Eridan's gills are nonfunctional due to a congenital defect, or it's both. Personally, I think the latter catalyzed the former.

Mutated gills are a direct parallel to looksmaxxing, if you think about it. It's no different from incels blaming their negative game on congenital defects. The only difference is that "sub-8" men generally don't have to worry about being exterminated en masse for their disabilities, which is a very real fear for an Alternian troll.

I'm a bit disappointed this lore nugget got buried in the deluge of fanon because it's probably the most OBVIOUS motive for Eridan's hemoism/casteism/xeno racism, etc. Not only does he have no pull, but he is a defective violet who is barred from participating in the same privileges as the rest of his caste. He is impotent from every angle.

Eridan has to highlight the supremacy of seadwellers at any opportunity, the same way alt-right guys want everyone to know their 23andMe results, because if they're not overcompensating, they have to contend with the fact that minorities aren't actually at fault for their shitty personalities.

#ooc.#crossposting this hc cause its vital to my portrayal actually

// Okaaaay. I am home now, so I can share LESS shitty pictures of my Eridan cosplay from today's NYCstuck. I'm super pleased with how this cosplay came out. The last time I cosplayed Eridan, I was 13, and it wasn't very good, so the opportunity to put together a proper cosplay this time around fed my inner child. I'll delete these later. I don't like sharing my face on here, but I believe this occasion warrants it :^))

#ooc.#tbd.

voidy

((How I imagine eridan reacting to the height difference xD @caligulaascendit

caligulaascendit

// Firstly, I am OBSESSED. Secondly, even though Eridan would disagree, I designed him to look extra gothy and you captured his latex fetish goth look PERFECTLY. EVERYPONY LOOK.

#ooc rb.#save.

COME ON THAT GUY IS CLEARLY A 2A WWHEN IM A 2 AT LEAST USE AN ACCURATE IMAGE

#MY HAIRLINE AINT THAT BAD YOU FUCKIN CUNT #ic.#8est8itch

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