“I don’t think people will ever understand me. I met a boy, but he chose to walk away, and I can’t help but wonder about these promises we make. Why we can easily break them. Why we make them in the first place. And I thought forever was an infinite amount of days, but it turns out forever was 258 days instead and forever isn’t as long as it seems.
It haunts my mind whether I’m to be blamed or not when in honesty, I didn’t do a single thing wrong. I t breaks my heart knowing I wasn’t good enough, but maybe if things were different or I could’ve perhaps changed my ways, maybe my thoughts wouldn’t keep me up so late then. I wonder what’s being said about me. Still, it breaks my heart. I wonder why it was so easily broken apart. When I tried to stay strong, like everyone told me to be. But sometimes, that’s hard.
I wonder how you’re doing, and I wonder how I’m doing. Because distracting myself from life, can be such a challenge sometimes. And I don’t think anyone will ever understand me or will get to know me like I tried getting to know you. But I built my walls so high, and I’m afraid to let people in. I just want to disappear sometimes, but then loneliness will consume me, and I swear I am my own worst enemy. And I was so sure, damn it. I was sure but now things, they are different.
I want you to stop haunting my dreams and I want to get away and leave this awful place. Too many memories of you surround the area, and I just feel like I’m in the way all the time. But don’t feel pity for me. You couldn’t be enough, and I couldn’t be enough. All these promises have been broken. You left so what’s the point in keeping them?
Everyday just repeats itself, and I’ll never be good enough. But it’s been two weeks, and I am sure I’ll be fine in time. But you’re still a shitty person, and I want to say I hate you. Because if you cared, if you loved me you would’ve fought for me. Instead you said bye and that was it.
Though still, you told me over and over, that I’d have to try much harder for you to leave. I guess all it took was an explanation that I need to care of me and put me first. Because this disease, this sickness I have, is slowly but surely killing me.
And that’s why you’re a shitty person, and this is why I want to hate you. But deep down, I can’t. Because part of me loves you. But I guess you moved on pretty quickly. I guess I was just there to pass the time, so you’d have someone to claim, and I guess that was fine.
But please don’t come back, because if you did then I might take it all back and I really don’t want to do that. Now it’s time for me to say bye.
But promise me that you won’t regret me, that’s all I ask.”
-Callie Ann Frey, from my poetry collection Constellations