Collin's Blog

   When something happens I always want to post it on social media to get my thoughts out there. But the truth is that I don’t want that many people reading my private thoughts. at the same time... I need some medium to help process my emotions. Like everybody else, I just want somebody to understand me and still love me.  

[calllingcollin]

I Want to Represent Texas

My name is David Collin Hannah. I’m currently exploring candidacy for Texas’ 132nd district, currently occupied by Mr. Mike Schofield. I’m not the typical person that you see running for office. I’m not a lawyer and I don’t have a lot of money. I just turned 26; at times, people mistake me for someone in high school. I’m gay, an atheist, and a democratic socialist. I have an open felony case for drug possession currently awaiting dismissal. I know what it’s like to be an addict. I have diagnosed generalized anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder, and ADHD; all of which have made it very difficult to succeed in school and in the work place. I’ve been through psychiatric treatment for my problems; it’s worked phenomenally well. However, every human being deserves to be treated for their health problems - mental or physical - regardless of their ability to pay. Our current system allows too many people to go without treatment due to their inability to pay. Nearly 1 in 5 Texans still uninsured, the highest in the nation. Greg Abbot continues to refuse to expand medicaid.  Our prison system in Texas turns non-violent addicts into criminals. Why are we treating addicts like they are criminals, when we should be rehabilitating them? To date, there have been 7 deadly storms that have affected the Houston area in my life time: Allison, Katrina(indirect), Rita, Ike, the tax day floods, the memorial day floods, and Harvey. Scientists are certain that climate change is exacerbating the effects of these storms; the only thing up for debate is exactly how the storms are being affected. But still, many of our politicians don’t acknowledge the need to combat global climate change. Texas needs to be turned from a oil & gas economy to a green energy economy. The minimum wage has not risen since 2009, but the cost of living continues to increase. The average college graduate finishes school with $30,000.00 in debt, but the cost of college continues to increase. Gerrymandering allows legislators to choose their constituents, rather then constituents choosing their legislators. Job automation is rapidly approaching, but no one is talking about the potential viability of universal basic income. Poor Texans pay 13 percent of their income to the state government, while the wealthiest pay only 3 percent. There are so many injustices, so many problems that need to be addressed. I can’t promise to fix all of the injustices in Texas, only that I will fight them with every fiber of my being. I’m an imperfect person with a troubled past. Moving forward, I want to make a difference. I need all of the support that I can to do that. Thank you.

[calllingcollin]

An open letter to Beto O’Rourke

When I first heard about you, I fell in love with your campaign. My favorite news anchor refers to you as a “Sanders-style democrat.” You refuse to accept corporate donations. Your record indicates long time support for ending the war on drugs. Your record indicates that you’re against modern neocolonialism. Your campaign is truly grass roots. You publicly support single payer health care. You’re a breathe of fresh air in Texas politics.  You’re running against Ted Cruz; arguably the worst sitting member of the senate. Replacing the Zodiac Killer of the senate with a real human being puts me on cloud nine. You truly had me elated. I was ready to hit the campaign trail for you. There was only one nagging detail. If you support single payer, why haven’t you cosponsored John Conyers’ h.r. 676? It really began to bother me. So I asked you myself. That conversation can be read  here, here, here, and here. The essence of your argument is that h.r. 676 doesn’t reimburse for profit medical establishments the same way medicare currently does. Medicare works well the way it currently is, so why not simply keep it the same way?  You even went so far as to say that you would offer an amendment to tweak h.r. 676 to your liking. Your argument makes sense on the surface. A reasonable person could easily buy into it, and still enthusiastically throw their support behind you. But this still bothered me. So I began to ask other progressives if they bought into this argument.  Seeking an answer to this question, I ran across your opponent, Sema Hernandez. Sema had a simple idea that I didn’t: why not simply read through h.r. 676? What she discovered was really interesting: h.r. 676 provides a framework to convert the entire healthcare system from profit to non-profit in section 103.  “The payments to owners of converting for-profit providers shall occur during a 15-year period, through the sale of U.S. Treasury Bonds. Payment for conversions under paragraph (3) shall not be made for loss of business profits.” – h.r. 676, section 103  provision a part 6

The only economic certainty is the law of supply and demand. Healthcare is a must have. There is always going to be demand for healthcare because people depend on it for their livelihood. This is what economists refer to as inelastic demand. People are at the mercy of healthcare suppliers. In a free market/for-profit economy, healthcare suppliers can charge whatever they want and people can’t do anything about it. This is precisely why the progressive position on healthcare is that profit motive should not be part of the healthcare equation. If medicare continues to reimburse for profit healthcare providers it will eventually be driven to bankruptcy. 

Why didn’t you bother to mention one of the key provisions of h.r. 676 is to eliminate the for profit motive from healthcare? As it stands now, you look like a liar. You look like a corporate friendly democrat masquerading as a berniecrat because you know that is the direction the democratic party is going. It’s possibly that you simply need to be convinced that the for profit motive needs to be eliminated from healthcare entirely. However, the manner in which you omitted h.r. 676 is supposed to phase out for-profit healthcare makes that seem extremely unlikely. 

 As it stands now, I will never support you. I fell in love with you as a candidate. As your constituent I feel betrayed. If you win the democratic primary, I’ll either vote third party for the senate or I won’t vote for anybody. There is no point in supporting the lesser of two evils when the political pendulum always swings back to the greater evil. The election of Donald Trump cemented this reality. If democrats want to win, they need to be married to their progressive values. Sema for Texas 2018.

[calllingcollin]

Even Conservatives Don’t believe in Free Market Economics

What is free market economics? According to investopedia free market economics can be defined as:

“the law of supply and demand, rather than a central government, regulates production and labor. Companies sell goods and services at the highest price consumers are willing to pay, while workers demand the highest wages companies are willing to pay for their services. A purely capitalist economy is a free market economy; the profit motive drives all commerce and forces businesses to operate as efficiently as possible to avoid losing market share to competitors.”

Many of Texas’ government officials are self described conservatives and they love to talk about free market economics. This includes our attorney general, Ken Paxton. In a letter on August 7th, 2017 in the 2nd paragraph Paxton stated:

“ ‘Conspiring with others to prevent new distribution channels for goods and services is contrary to the free market and violates antitrust laws,’ said Attorney General Paxton. ‘Such interference should not be tolerated in the dental supply industry or any other. My office will continue to ensure that companies doing business in Texas have the opportunity to compete in a truly free market.’ “

To be clear, we agree with Mr. Paxton and we believe that he did the right thing here. We applaud his work in this instance, he did a very good job. In an economy that is fair for everybody monopolies cannot be allowed to prevent new potential distributors from entering the market.  The problem is that AG Paxton’s position contradicts itself. Free market economics means that there is no government interference whatsoever. In a free market economy, the government doesn’t interfere to stop suppliers from conspiring with one another to prevent monopolies and trusts. In the wake of hurricane Harvey, AG Paxton is not shying away from using government intervention to prevent price gouging. In an interview with Fox News host Neil Cuvato, AG Paxton made it very clear that he would sue businesses that tried to price gouge. 

“The fine for price gouging is up to $20,000.00 fine per occurrence and up to $250,000.00 fine per occurrence if it is a senior citizen.” AG Paxton later states: “Price gouging is obviously a bad business practice, but what we’re trying to do here is also make people more aware of the law.” To be fair as Neil Cavuto points out, price gouging is a bad business practice. Consumers will remember the suppliers that tried to screw them over in the middle of a supply shock. The problem with free market economics here should become immediately apparent. Free market economies are not equipped to handle supply shocks like hurricane Harvey. When there is a sudden disruption in the supply chain, the government needs to step in to protect consumers from unfair prices in the time of a crisis. Again, we absolutely believe that AG Paxton is correct: the government needs to step in and stop price gouging in the time of a crisis. He is doing very good work at this point in time concerning Hurricane Harvey. However, it needs to be said that even if self described free market conservatives like AG Paxton believe that free market conservatives don’t truly believe that the free market economy solves everything. The time has come for us to stop preaching the gospel of free market economics. Sometimes free market economies don’t fix themselves and they need the government to step in and fix them.

[calllingcollin]

An Open Letter to Texas Government Officials Concerning Hurricane Harvey

Author’s note: this is not about politicizing catastrophe and natural disaster. This letter is about all of us putting politics aside and doing what is right for humanity.  Hurricane Harvey has absolutely devastated the Texas coast affecting millions of people. During my life time, Houston has experienced an increasing number of catastrophic storms.

 Tropical storm Allison 2001 - 41 killed (citation needed), 9 billion dollars in damage

Edit(9/7/2015)Hurricane Katrina 2005 (indirect, Houston absorbed large numbers of Katrina refugees) - 108 billion, over 1200 killed.

Hurricane Rita 2005, over 100 killed, 12 billion dollars in damage.

Hurricane Ike 2008 - 195 killed, nearly 40 billion dollars in damage

Hurricane Harvey 2017 - 60 (death toll rising), depending on the estimate 70-190 billion.

Edit: 9/8/2017: There are currently 3 Atlantic hurricanes: Katina, Irma, and Jose. Irma is one of the strongest hurricanes of all time.

That doesn’t even include some of the devastating floods which weren’t tropical cyclones.

Memorial day floods 2015 - 31 deaths, amount of damage not found.

Tax day floods 2016 - 2.7 billion in damaged (citation needed), number of deaths not found.

Scientists have been warning us that climate change would cause tropical cyclones to be more catastrophic. You all haven’t been listening. Many Texas politicians don’t even believe that climate change is real. Climate change is real and primarily caused by human activity. Climate change scientists agree that climate change is a fact.

After Hurricane Sandy, both sitting senators, and numerous representatives in the house, did not vote in favor of relief for those effected. Ted Cruz and John Cornyn are now calling on the federal government to help those of us effected by hurricane Harvey. Numerous other Texas representatives that voted against relief for hurricane Sandy are likely to do the same thing.  We all need to agree that climate change is real and primarily caused by human activities. We all need to agree that we need to help each other out when one part of the nation is struck by natural disaster. It’s time for all of us to put our political differences aside and have an adult conversation about how we can fix our problems.

[calllingcollin]

Being gay isn’t Free Market friendly

I’m gay. Everyone knows that by know. Like most other gay men, HIV strikes fear into my heart. I’ve been tested 3 times in the past week and my heart is pounding from the nervousness each and every time. But if you’re gay, you’re simply at a higher risk for catching HIV. According to a 2009 study, one out of every five gay men has HIV. Among the number of people who are HIV positive, nearly half of them are not aware. Using simple mathematics, roughly 10 percent of gay men are HIV positive and not aware of it.

edit: A more recent analysis shows that the more recent figure is lower at around 15%, but that is still way too fucking high.

For the sake of my health and safety, as well as the health and safety that anyone I might have sex with, I decided that it would be best to go ahead and get on PrEP. I knew that PrEP wasn’t exactly affordable out of pocket, but luckily I can get it for free through Legacy Community Center here in Houston until I have a job and health insurance again.  But the out of pocket cost for Truvada is $1700 for a 30 day supply here at the legacy clinic. What are middle income people supposed to do if they do not have health insurance, simply not have sex? $1700 more than most mortgages here in the Houston area.  It’s simply not affordable to the average person. Even with health insurance, who knows how much you are going to end up paying for Truvada after the cost of your premium, copays, doctor visits, etc.  What is going to happen when more and more gay men start getting on PrEP for their own health and safety? Can we rely on the benevolence of Gilead sciences, the sole manufacturer and of PrEP to manufacture the drug for people that made it? GS brought in 30.4 billion in revenue in 2016. Their profit after all expenses and taxes was $13.4 billion. That is a 44% profit margin, which is absolutely insane. You can swear on your mother’s grave that GS isn’t going to do anything if it isn’t going to bring them some type of high profit margin. This is only one example of a pharma company absolutely insane prices for healthcare while taking home insanely high profit margins. Due to the simple fact that we rely on healthcare to survive, for profit healthcare allows healthcare companies to charge whatever they want and get away with it. It’s not only the the case that being gay isn’t free market friendly, healthcare should not be an industry where making a profit should be legal. Right now there is a bill in the house, h.r. 676 that would expand healthcare to all as a human right. Call your congressperson and tell them to support it or you will not vote for them (click here to find your congressperson’s phone number, and here if you do not currently know who your representative is).

[calllingcollin]

Out with Ted Cruz, In with Sema Hernandez

Abstract: This article discusses the 2018 Texas Senate race. Incumbent Republican Ted Cruz is being challenged by democrat Beto O’Rourke (D- El Paso), and Sema Hernandez. Sema Hernandez is introduced, we then discuss why Ted Cruz and Beto O’Rourke are not the candidates that Texas needs and why Sema Hernandez is. Sema Hernandez is a 32 year old married mother of four living in Pasadena, Texas. She is a baseball coach, and as of August 19th, 2017, she is challenging Ted Cruz for his senate seat next year. If you follow politics, there is no shortage of reasons to dislike Lyin’ Ted. In 2013, he shut down the federal government to give him the political clout necessary to run for president in 2016, only to lose to Donald Trump. This had the potential to be absolutely devastating to everyday ordinary Americans who rely on services from the federal government for their survival. Not because they’re lazy, or they’re moochers, but because they’re struggling to make it ends meet like all other lower and middle income Americans are. This act demonstrated that Cruz only cares about his political future and power, not at all about ordinary Americans. The Houston Chronicle went so far as to renounce their support for Mr. Cruz due to the lack of dignity that he brings to his office. Texas deserves better. America deserves better. Shortly, I’ll discuss exactly why it is that someone like Sema is exactly the type of person Texas needs. Sema is not the only democrat running for senate in 2018. Her main opponent’s name is Beto O’Rourke. At first, Beto had me excited. Beto doesn’t take money from corporations or super PACs. On the surface, Beto is seemingly a Bernie Sanders-style progressive. However when you begin to dig deeper into his policy positions, it is quickly revealed that Beto is a politically astute fraud masquerading as a champion of the working class. I asked Beto why he has not yet cosponsored H.R. 676. H.R. 676 would expand health care as a human right to all Americans. His answer sounds good on the surface: why not simply keep medicare as it is, but expand it to everyone under the age of 65? H.R. 676 doesn’t allow for profit hospitals to be reimbursed by medicare. However, this answer reveals exactly why Beto is a pseudo-progressive. side note: You can read my full conversation with Beto here,here, here, and here.

The progressive position on healthcare is that healthcare is a human right. Ensuring healthcare as a human right means eliminating the profit motive from healthcare. The goal of H.R. 676 is to expand Medicare to the entire population not just by mandating that the entire population shall receive Medicare, but eliminating waste, fraud, and abuse in America’s healthcare system. The biggest source of waste, fraud, and abuse in America’s healthcare system is for-profit healthcare and especially for-profit insurance. This leaves us with a bit of a dilemma. We’re either to believe that Beto is ignorant and that he needs to be convinced that he is wrong, or that he is deceitful and trying to trick progressives into voting for him. There is a simple principle of logic known as Occam’s razor; the proposition which makes the fewest number of assumptions is the most likely to be true. In order for us to believe that Beto is ignorant, it requires us to believe that he has not informed himself on the ins and outs of h.r. 676 (however he clearly stated that he has read and reviewed h.r. 676 in the conversation that I had with him). Due to Occam’s razor we can clearly deduce that Beto is a politically astute pseudo-progressive, cut from the same fabric as Ted Cruz. Of course Beto is preferable to Ted Cruz. The sorts of things that Beto would vote for in congress wouldn’t be nearly as bad for ordinary Americans. But Beto is still an unacceptable choice because he is deceptive towards his constituents. He pretends to be on the side of the working class when he clearly isn’t. H.R. 676 is simply one of many examples clearly demonstrating this fact. Sema Hernandez is on the right side of every major issue. She will not hesitate to cosponsor H.R. 676, or H.R. 608 (ending regime change in foreign countries). She is against SB4 here in Texas; making the minimum wage a living wage and tying it to inflation; getting money out of politics, and so much more. Read more about Sema’s political platform here.

The fact that I agree with Sema on most major issues is not why I will vote for her. I will vote for Sema because of her humanity. When I attended the launch of Sema’s senate candidacy, I heard this testimonial of Sema’s character from the founder of the eyes of a dreamer, Jessica Rangel:

Even though Sema and no one and her family would not be affected by SB4, she was still there to fight for us like she would be.

Sema is not just another politician. She is a real human being with a lot of empathy. She is an activist, fighting for the working class. The fact that she has not held a political office prior to her run for senate does not matter. The only thing that matters is that she will fight for ordinary everyday Texans. Sema can win. 

[calllingcollin]

Anxiety: a fact of life (and that’s okay)

During my meeting with my therapist today I finally realized and accepted something: the anxiety that I feel is deep seated, and it is probably never going to fully go away. But that’s okay, because it doesn’t have to define me. In fact, it only defines me if I allow it to. While go through therapy I have been under the impression that the strength of my anxiety is reducing. It has been, to an extent. However in all likelihood, despite whatever therapy and medications I take, I’m always going to be predisposed to anxiety.  Every relationship I’ve been in, project I’ve tried to take on, and job I have ever had has been negatively impacted by anxiety. What I have been doing is not learning how to combat my anxiety, but rather to understand it and manage it. I can use reason to make my anxiety go away, but those anxious thoughts and feelings are almost always going to be an instantaneous reaction to a situation that I don’t immediately have an answer to. I minimize my feelings of anxiety by whatever means possible, and then problem solve. After the problem solving begins to progress, my anxiety proceeds to subside. I’ll speak more about my coping strategies in a future post. 

[calllingcollin]

Monogamy Isn’t for Everyone

I’ve tried quite a few relationships, in a lot of different forms and there is one thing that is extremely apparent: I am way too emotional for one person to adequately handle by themselves. When in a monogamous relationship, my large amount of emotional needs drain the relationship of it’s joy. I’m more than willing to put more into the relationship than I take, because I give so much. Others aren’t able to put as much into the relationship as I am, and that’s perfectly fine. But if I’m unable to have all of my emotional needs met from one person, where does that leave me? 

Am I supposed to just suck it up and deny myself what I need? No, that’s unhealthy for obvious reasons. It will lead to misery. So if this person is unable to meet my emotional needs, what do I do, break up with the person? That doesn’t make any sense either; you’re basically throwing away something that has nothing wrong with it. Do I demand more from them than they are able to give me? No, that isn’t going to work either. They will be forced to do things that they don’t want to do, and then begin to resent me. Either that, or they will start to feel like shit about themselves. You might counter that my problem is that I’m not emotionally self reliant enough, or that I am simply a whore, that needs attention to feel better about themselves. I reject of these explanations.  I will grant you that I would prefer to be more emotionally self reliant, but if we are all just supposed to be 100% self reliant then what the fuck is the point of relationships to begin with? Humans are social animals. Without contact from other humans, we go insane. No one, no matter how independent they might be, is 100% emotionally self reliant. They simply have fewer emotional needs than someone like myself. The idea of a whore is bullshit to begin with: there is no rational reason to believe that having sex with a lot of people is morally wrong. As long as you’re not harming anyone, there is nothing wrong with having sex with as many people as you like. Further, even if I liked sex just for the purpose of getting off, I really don’t enjoy that. Having sex with someone and never talking to them again makes me feel empty and meaningless every single time that it happens. It hurts like hell, I hate it. Traditional monogamous relationships don’t work for me. They never have, and I’m not sure that they ever will. I have plenty of friendships that fall into a grey area; we’re more than just friends, we may have sex, there is a level of emotional intimacy, but we have not agreed to be partners. They’re not just hoes. They’re not just friends. They’re not boyfriends. I really do care for and really like all of them. It doesn’t take a lot of time to get attached to people, in fact it’s just a matter of how much you open up to them. 

Does this make me polyamarous? In a way, yes it does. Am I capable of monogamy? I don’t know, maybe I’ll meet one person one day that meets all of my emotional and sexual needs, and I meet all of theirs.  But that seems very very unlikely. Is jealousy going to be a problem? Hell yeah it will be, but that is a problem which is a luxury to have. It means your basic emotional needs are being met, and you feel like something that is supposed to be only yours is under in danger of being taken from you. Jealousy is a problem which is much easier problem to circumnavigate than your emotional needs not being met.

[calllingcollin]

Overcoming Isolation

It’s difficult to place a precise emotion on whatever it is that has been bothering me lately. I feel isolated and lonely. When I begin to think about it, I have always felt this way. I have great friends and great family in my life, but I feel so disconnected from all of them. I don’t know what it’s like to have a really strong emotional connection that is actually healthy. Admitting that to myself is heart wrenching, but it is actually the truth. 

I throw my attachment, affection, and love towards random people and things and hope that it sticks. It’s like throwing a dart, trying to hit the bulls eye, but with a blind fold on. 

All of my energy goes into the person that I’m trying to build a connection with and I allow myself to get attached way too quickly. If this person is present, I am happy and manic. If this person is not present, I fall into despair. This is not a healthy way to love someone. I become very codependent upon them; every move that they make affects my happiness. 

So this draws me to the question, what am I doing wrong? Well, thinking about it now the answer is obvious - I need to think about who I should allow myself to get attached to? If there is someone that I get attached to, who do I know for sure won’t hurt me? There are actually quite a few people that fall into this category when I begin thinking about it. There are many wonderful people in my life.

It seems like it all started in childhood with my parents. Particularly my brother and father. An emotional connection to them felt awkward, like it wasn’t right. It was outside of my comfort zone. It still very much so is. I didn’t get a need for attachment, affection, and love that I needed. So I began the unhealthy practice of fulfilling those needs with people that couldn’t truly fulfill them. I didn’t choose logical people to get attached too; I just choose someone random that seemed like a good fit.

I’m going to push the limits of my comfort zone. Allow myself to get attached to some of my friends more slowly, and eventually making my way to my brother, father, and mother.   This starts raising more questions, like if none of the things I experienced before was love… what the hell was it? I’ve always cared about my friends and family… I think… I don’t know, and I guess that it doesn’t really matter anymore. What matters is choosing the right people to get attached to, and doing it in a healthy way.

[calllingcollin]

Overcoming Isolation

It’s difficult to place a precise emotion on whatever it is that has been bothering me lately. I feel isolated and lonely. When I begin to think about it, I have always felt this way. I have great friends and great family in my life, but I feel so disconnected from all of them. I don’t know what it’s like to have a really strong emotional connection that is actually healthy. Admitting that to myself is heart wrenching, but it is actually the truth. 

I throw my attachment, affection, and love towards random people and things and hope that it sticks. It’s like throwing a dart, trying to hit the bulls eye, but with a blind fold on. 

All of my energy goes into the person that I’m trying to build a connection with and I allow myself to get attached way too quickly. If this person is present, I am happy and manic. If this person is not present, I fall into despair. This is not a healthy way to love someone. I become very codependent upon them; every move that they make affects my happiness. 

So this draws me to the question, what am I doing wrong? Well, thinking about it now the answer is obvious - I need to think about who I should allow myself to get attached to? If there is someone that I get attached to, who do I know for sure won’t hurt me? There are actually quite a few people that fall into this category when I begin thinking about it. There are many wonderful people in my life.

It seems like it all started in childhood with my parents. Particularly my brother and father. An emotional connection to them felt awkward, like it wasn’t right. It was outside of my comfort zone. It still very much so is. I didn’t get a need for attachment, affection, and love that I needed. So I began the unhealthy practice of fulfilling those needs with people that couldn’t truly fulfill them. I didn’t choose logical people to get attached too; I just choose someone random that seemed like a good fit.

I’m going to push the limits of my comfort zone. Allow myself to get attached to some of my friends more slowly, and eventually making my way to my brother, father, and mother.   This starts raising more questions, like if none of the things I experienced before was love... what the hell was it? I’ve always cared about my friends and family... I think... I don’t know, and I guess that it doesn’t really matter anymore. What matters is choosing the right people to get attached to, and doing it in a healthy way.

[calllingcollin]

Why is depression so hard to escape?

When you really begin to think about depression, the more it is analyzed, the more irrational depression appears to be. The key to overcoming depression is changing the way you think and behave (utilizing the triad). Your emotions can’t be changed. However, if you change your thoughts, and also change your actions, you can begin to escape depression. 

The problem with not being able to change your emotions... is that your emotions are usually what dictate the way you think. If your default emotion is sadness and negativity, then that is going to make your thoughts and actions negative as well. You have to actively put effort into overcoming your depression.

One of the symptoms of depression is a lack of energy to do anything, or constantly feeling fatigued. If you’re feeling fatigued constantly, then obviously it makes it more difficult to get off your ass and do something to make yourself feel better. 

So how do we get started on overcoming depression when you don’t have the energy it? It starts with realizing that your depression is the reason why you’re so tired all the time. It’s all mental. If you tell yourself to just jump into doing something you enjoy, after a bit of time doing it, you should be able to enjoy it. Focus all your energy on the task in front of you, rather then on your thoughts. Be present in the moment.  These days it seems that my depression is primarily caused by loneliness. Because of it I spend way too much fucking time on dating apps. I can’t stay off of them. I’ve dated countless people, and most of the time the relationships are very short lived. I’m in love with the idea of being in love. That doesn’t mean that the people I’ve dated I didn’t actually love, I did. But I loved them for all the wrong reasons. I was in love with the idea of a future with them. I loved them because I love having a companion. 

For obvious reasons, this isn’t ideal. It makes me more prone towards staying in bad relationships or dating the wrong person. It stops me from being able to truly love and appreciate someone for who they really are. It’s a shallow, unfulfilling type of love, and it is a love that I no longer want anything to do with.

I met a really cute boy through Facebook yesterday. He’s very cute, and the interest seems to be mutual. He makes me laugh effortlessly, and seems very sweet as well. Even with the lesson that I’ve learned over time, I still catch myself thinking about what dating him would be like. Or a future with him. I barely know the kid. I have to mentally remind myself every time it crosses my mind to take things one step at a time. Rome wasn’t built in a day, after all.

I tend to delve on my feelings when I’m at home alone with nothing to do. I then start to become depressed. When it really comes down to it though, there is always something for me to do. I could start on a project around the house. Or play video games. Maybe even go to meetups. The only problem is that when I’m depressed, I don’t have the energy to do anything. My depression makes it extremely difficult for me to develop any real hobbies. It is difficult for me to engage in anything if I don’t have the motivation to do it. But the truth of the matter is that... when I start getting into something, I get really into it and I become really happy. I have very very strong emotions. 

The key to becoming happy for me appears to be to stop thinking about life and engaging in it. TV doesn’t keep me occupied sufficiently. I need to have something to focus on. My mind is very active and it begins to wonder. The one thing that sticks out to me is that I’m not a gamer. Based off of my personality, one would think that I am a gamer. I’m a huge nerd, and I am nearing completion of my bachelor’s degree in Computer Information Systems. The issue is that, like everything else, playing video games gives me terrible anxiety until I feel comfortable with what I’m doing. It might be time that I face my video-game anxiety and just force myself to play a game until I feel comfortable with it. I’m willing to bet that eventually, playing video games will become my main hobby.

[calllingcollin]

Loneliness & Social Media

I started dating when I was 21. My first relationship lasted a year and a half and it ended in mid 2014. Since then I’ve gone out on dates with more people than I can count. I’ve jumped into relationships with people before really getting to understand them. I’ve fallen in love with fictional people, ascribing attributes to those I’m dating that they don’t actually have. I’ve never actually had a relationship go well for that reason.

When you think about that, it sounds absolutely insane. Why the fuck would I want to be in a relationship with people that aren’t compatible with me? In mid march, after a string of unsuccessful attempts at dating, the answer became crystal clear: loneliness. I decided from that point that it was a good idea to be single until I found someone that I truly liked for the person that they are, not the person that I am making up in my head. That was a great start to solve the problem of loneliness, but then my loneliness began to manifest itself in other ways. Especially at night. I would randomly tell people “OMG we are boyfriends now,” just as a joke. The humor from creating obviously absurd relationship served as a reminder for the irrationality of jumping into relationships with people I don’t know that well. It kept my loneliness in check. But that still didn’t fix my loneliness problem.

We need to ask ourselves, why do we feel lonely to begin with? The answer, put simply is that loneliness motivates us to protect the relationships we hold the closest to our hearts. Loneliness can be healthy if it causes us to spend time with those that build us up, and not tear us down. The problem is that loneliness can cause us to feel like our friends  and family don’t actually value and appreciate us. We begin to see loved ones through a pessimistic lens. We start to seek out relationships with those whom cause us harm. 

This is exactly what I’ve done with my own family. My mother and father - the people that gave my brother and I their world - frequently feel distant. Our parents weren’t perfect, but they’re without a doubt amazing people. My mother and father have done their absolute best to make me the best person that I can. So the question from here becomes why do I feel distant to the people that love me the most?  Around the time that I turned 12 years old, my father’s mental health deteriorated. Things were rough. I retreated to my room, and I didn’t talk to anyone. loneliness overwhelmed me, and I began to view my relationship with family members in a negative light as a result. prolonged loneliness lead to a lack of adequate serotonin in my brain, and permanent depression was the result. A relatively small span of time from my childhood caused me to see the rest of my life in a negative light. Now, 13 years  year later as a young adult, understanding all of this has allowed to me come out of my depression. I am no longer broken, but the lingering effects of brokenness are still there. And something that you would least suspect is exacerbating these lingering effects. An addiction to social media.

In the digital age we are more connected than ever. It makes it easier for us to connect with those that we love from our past all over the world. It makes it easier for us to meet people and make new friends. But at the same time our social media addiction is making us more lonely because half our attention is in cyber space all the time and half of it focused on whats going on in front of us. 

I was listening to Bill Maher’s new rules segment on social media. He stated (paraphrased) “Everything coming out of Silicon Valley is made to keep you addicted to it. It’s how they make their money. Constantly checking your social media constantly is meant to give you a dopamine rush.” This new rules segment hit me like a ton of bricks.

I am beyond addicted to social media. I get the urge to check all of my social media applications dozens of times each hour. It disrupts my thoughts, and makes it difficult to get things done. This happens when I’m at work, driving, or just spending time with a friend or family member. Constantly and irrationally checking my social media has become ingrained into my brain. When I have a social media notification, it gives me a dopamine rush. That is the essence of addiction and it is detrimental to my everyday life. 

If I don’t have any messages or notifications on my social media, it begins to make me feel lonely. The cycle of depression begins, and I revisit the feelings from my childhood. In summary, my social media makes me lonely in two ways. 

It takes me away from the present moment I am spending with loved ones, making me feel less connected to them. 

The lack of notifications makes me feel less connected to people over the internet.

I can’t just get rid of my phone and social media when having access to them is integral to everyday life. So what am I supposed to do? As I’ve written in the past, the key to overcoming an addictive mindset is learning moderate between the extremes of indulging in your pleasure too much and not at all. Simple abstinence does not solve your problem. You will still act like an addict in other areas of your life. 

I’ve tried to resist checking my phone & social when with friends and family members, as well as when I’m driving. It just doesn’t seem to work. So what I’m going to do is make a resolution to check my phone for specific purposes only (i.e. communicating with specific people), and to put the idea of checking my phone/social media out of my mind when I have something to do. I’ll be throwing the damn thing as far away as possible when I need to. This will not only improve my focus and productivity, but improve the quality of my relationships as well as keeping me away from people that are toxic.

[calllingcollin]

Dealing with Failure, Rejection, and Insecurities Part 1

So, today was not a good day for Collin. It started off like any other day, I just woke up and got ready for work. Upon clocking in at work, my manager sat me down and said “I’m afraid that I’m going to have to let you go. The owner is afraid that you don’t know the menu well enough. I didn’t want to let you go, but it’s unfortunately not my decision to make. I assure you that you will get a positive review from me. I want you to use me as a reference for other jobs in the area.” So, that was that. I lost my job. Of course that hurt my feelings, I was rejected. It made me think that I was a failure. I’ve had a history of not doing well in the work place. It made me think that I was going to continue have abject failures in the work place, and that I would never succeed professionally.  Afterwards, I felt like I might as well have a good time. There is no need to allow this to ruin my day. So I went to the house of person I had been chatting with over Grindr. Despite Grindr being primarily a sex app, it was supposed to just be a friendly meet up. The meeting ended with me asking him if he was bored. His reply was, “well, to be honest, you’re just not my type.” He tried to make amends, and stated “I don’t know what it is... it’s just that Men are visual.” My reply was “so, I’m not twinky enough for you?” He then stated “No it’s not that... you’re handsome and nice, I’m just not sure what it is.”

I left his house shortly after. So the first rejection of the day was letting go at my job, and the second was this man telling me that I’m not his type. I have a history of dealing with body dysmorphia. This triggered me to revisit thoughts about how if only I would lose weight, I would be more attractive. I thought about starving myself, as I have in the past. 

I’ve weighed as much as 263, and I currently weigh 198. My weight fluctuated up and down 4 times between 200 and 263 between 2008 and 2013. Since 2014, I’ve stayed relatively fit. I did at one point weigh 165-175 in 2015-2016, then I ballooned up to 211 in late 2016 as a result of personal problems. In the last six months as my mental health has been improving, I’m slowly losing the weight again. This time I shouldn’t gain it back after reaching my goal weight around 150-165. In addition to these two failures, this last semester I failed the same class for the third time in a row. This is the main class that is stopping me from receiving my bachelor’s degree. Every time I sit down to do the semester project for this class, I am overwhelmed by anxiety. I think to myself that I can’t do it. This results in procrastinating the project, and it never gets done. Academic anxiety started in college for me, when I lost faith in my intellect. I received a nine on a test, which felt the final blow to my confidence in my ability to succeed and intelligence.  Fortunately, my mental health has improved drastically in the last six months. When these type of things would happen to me in the past, I would go down in flames. In a previous post, I demonstrated how optimism is rational, and pessimism is irrational. Simply put, it’s because of the triad. Your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are what compose your persona. They all affect each other. They’re deeply interconnected. And due to the nature of the triad your thoughts become a self-fulfilling prophecy about your future. 

The most effective problem solving tool that you have when dealing your personal problems is the triad. Medications, exercising, and proper nutrition stabilize your dopamine and serotonin levels, so they’re a great way to deal with your problems. However, understanding the triad is what allows you to break your personal problems down into layers and fix them. There are two keys to utilizing the triad effectively.

The negative feelings you experience are a result of negative thoughts, which by their nature are irrational. Events cause you to experience emotions, which affect your thoughts, which affect your behaviors. All of these things affect each other. Thus if you experience a negative emotion, it can easily lead to distorted, irrational, negative thoughts, which lead to irrational behaviors. Your distorted perspective leads to negative, irrational behavior, and thus, bad consequences.

You will continue to experience the negative emotions when sometimes, especially when bad situations occur. The key to understanding here is that you can’t directly control negative feelings. However, you can challenge the negative thoughts which occur as a result. You need to notice how the negative emotion caused you to believe something that is both negative and irrational. After you debunk this negative belief, you need to replace it with a belief that is constructive, realistic, and optimistic. This will cause you to experience a change in emotion, and stop you from behaviors which are detrimental to your well being.

In my next post I will go into detail about how I utilize the triad to solve my own personal problems. 

[calllingcollin]

Rational Optimism, and the Irrationality of Pessimism

    If you have mental health problems, the odds are that you tend to put a negative spin on the way you see the world, humanity, and yourself. Have you ever stopped and wondered, what if part of the problem is my perspective? Is it possible that your perspective is causing you unintentional misery? If you see the world in a negative manner, are you more likely to have negative emotions? The answer is YES. Of course you’re more likely to experience negative emotions. Pessimism is by its very nature irrational. Your emotions, thoughts, and actions all effect each other. In psychology this is referred to as the Triad. Click here to understand the triad more in depth.  Pessimism is when we expect the worst things to happen. It’s difficult not to be cynical when it seems like your cynicism is always . However, even though your cynicism is frequently correct, it is still irrational. This is for three reasons:

First: Humans have a built in confirmation bias. We notice information which conforms with our already held opinions, while disregarding information that contradicts it. If you have a negative mind set, you’re going to disproportionately notice all of the negative while disregarding the positive.

Try This: When you notice yourself listing all of the bad things about a situation, try noticing the good things as well. 

Even if you don’t have a naturally negative and cynical mindset, the human brain is hard wired to put more weight on negative vs. the positive.  We naturally notice the bad things in life more than the good things. 

Try this: When you notice you’re not happy about something, ask yourself if you’re overreacting.

 Third: Because thoughts, feelings, and actions all affect each other (remember the Triad), making a negative prediction becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

Try this: instead of predicting something negative, ask yourself what might go right, and what can you do to assure a positive outcome? 

     The truth is that you can find plenty of evidence to see the world in a negative light. There are hundreds of millions of us without adequate nutrition and living in poverty. Countless lives have been lost to natural disasters and war over the course of our history. Around 500,000 lives have been lost in the Syrian Civil war and ten million have been displaced. You, like me, have likely encountered many failures over the course of your life. These things are negative, but what about all of the positive things that happen in the world (click here for plenty of examples)? It would appear that the world has actually been changing for the better.  

  Earlier I stated that pessimism is irrational by its nature. Pessimism isn’t irrational because sometimes pessimism can indeed be based off of evidence. However, it is still irrational to hold a pessimistic point of view because it creates undesirable results. So since Pessimism is by its nature irrational, does that mean optimism is rational? A person can be optimistic, but their point of view can be based upon false evidence and/or fallacious reasoning. We can’t just be optimistic. We need to base our optimism off of valid evidence and reasoning. This is what I refer to as Rational Optimism. Side note: it appears that I was not the first person to dub this term. In fact an entire book has been written about it, and it is on my to read list.

     You might have had plenty of failures in the past, but these failures don’t have to define your future. You may have had your shortcomings in the past, but what good does it do to allow them to define who you are? You might have wronged someone and hate yourself for it, but what can you do to go out there and make the world a better place? Someone may have hurt you in the past, but does that mean everyone will hurt you in the future? There are countless examples of negative things in the world, but focusing on the negative is counter-productive. Rational optimism is what allows you to make things better. Rational optimism can give you a positive mindset, so why choose to be miserable when you can choose to be happy?

[calllingcollin]

Addiction, Recovery and Mental Health

     I graduated from IOP today. IOP is a outpatient rehab class. Some of the people in IOP aren’t addicted to anything. They’re just an innocent victim of the drug war. Despite this, many of the lessons in IOP should be part of every school curriculum. Addiction is something that everybody should be educated about. Addiction revolves around problems with our mental health, and sometimes our genetics. During the duration of IOP,  I’ve learned three valuable lessons relating to my recovery specifically: let go of things you can’t control, some addictions have the potential to be a life long problem, and be extremely careful about who you choose for a spouse. And perhaps most important the primary driver behind addiction is poor mental health.

     Addiction is seeking an escape from something, and using the same escape despite repeated and often extreme undesirable results. Legal, and illegal drugs can be an escape. Sex can be an escape. Relationships can be an escape. Food can be an escape. Addiction takes many forms. Addicts usually have a dopamine or serotonin deficiency. These are our brains happiness chemicals. Insufficient happiness chemicals will ultimately lead to mental health problems. Our brain’s natural response is to seek something which will correct our dopamine/serotonin deficiency. In the process of correcting our brain chemistry, addicts take things to an extreme. This is referred to as self medication.

    My sobriety started after I got arrested for possession of cocaine. I’ve been sober for 6 months on May 6th. Subsequently following my release from jail, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. This wasn’t news to me. I’ve had symptoms of depression since I was twelve years old. During the duration of my sobriety, my mental health has slowly but surely been improving.    Alcohol addiction is extremely difficult to moderate. I’ve dabbled with marijuana, GHB, and cocaine as well. I have prescriptions for Prozac and wellbutrin for anxiety & depression. Out of the legal and illegal drugs I have used, alcohol has been by far the most deadly and addictive. If you can moderate your alcohol intake, you should be able to moderate almost anything.  About a month ago I actually thought that I could moderate my alcohol intake. I was dead wrong and nearly relapsed. I can moderate most other addictions, but alcohol opens up the flood gates of dopamine. The only thing I can think about after I take my first drink is alcohol. A substance which releases large quantities of dopamine or serotonin at once will be more addictive than other substances. Some addictions are much worse than others. It’s no wonder AA says that you have to admit you’ve become powerless over your addiction. 

   AA also teaches addicts that we are addicts for life. You’re always in recovery, at no point are you cured. However, after extensive mental health treatment, it might be possible for addicts like me to moderate our alcohol intake. This is important because if it can be done, it shows that we aren’t necessarily stuck with addiction and the mental health problems associated with it for the rest of our lives. Let it be known that alcohol is also a depressant. Just because you can moderate, doesn’t mean that you should drink alcohol. Drinking alcohol may cause your mental health to deteriorate back to what it once was.      Alcohol is the third major addiction I have dealt with. The other two will not disclose, but neither of these addictions were mind altering substances. Both of these things released massive amounts of dopamine and serotonin, but were short term solutions to larger problems. Large spikes in dopamine and serotonin to abnormally high levels allowed me to temporarily escape my depression. But in the long run, these addictions just made my depression worse.

     The improvement of my mental health has been achieved through taking medication, and going to CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). There are many ways to improve your mental health. Some of you don’t trust therapists, or you don’t trust prescription medicine. And that’s fine. But research strategies you can improve your mental health, and implement the way which works for you.

    AA and other 12 step programs have done a lot of good for addicts. However, it’s time that everyone starts to understand the science behind addiction. If you go through life believing that you’re doomed to be an addict forever, you won’t fix the other problems caused by your addictive mindset and mental health problems.  As my mental health has been improving, my ability to moderate things has improved in all aspects of my life. The truth about addiction is that sobriety is only the first step to recovery. Full recovery entails improving your mental health as well.