Love Is What I Aim For

It's not happening unless I am nothing.

[calshim]

These lyrics are great.

[calshim]

The gospel is not sin management.

It is the death of sin altogether.

[calshim]

I Need to Figure Out How to Write Non-Grandiose Titles

I guess that works.

So... 

Monday night I went to TWO BIBLE STUDIES. BECAUSE I’M SUPER HOLY.

Alright enough of that. Actually i only attended like. 1 and 1/3 Bible studies. Which basically means i was super late for one of them. *sigh*

anyway. The point.

We were studying Psalm 103 in the first one. and then Ecclesiastes 14 or something. the last chapter.

It’s only 12 chapters long, isn’t it...

*googles it*

... I’m not here to talk about the past.

anyway. Ecclesiastes 12. I have no idea why what we talked about in Ecclesiastes 12 seemed like a natural followup to what the other Bible study group was talking about in Psalm 103, but somehow, this stuck out to me.

when i arrived, the Ecclesiastes group was talking about how God had this long training period for a lot of His greatest servants. For example:

Moses: spends 40 years in the wilderness before God calls him to lead Israel out of Egypt.

Paul: after conversion, spends 14 years not going on missionary journeys.

11 apostles (excluding Judas and Paul): spend 3 years with Jesus before actually becoming leaders in the church.

Jesus: spends 30 years or so being the carpenter’s son. spends probably 10 or 15 years of relative anonymity being the neighborhood carpenter and not raising people from the dead.

David: is anointed king. spends years running from Saul. Saul dies. Spends the next 7 and a half years fighting for control of Israel.

Abraham: at the age of 75, God calls him and says He’ll make him into a great nation. Spends the next 11 years without a son. Ishmael is born. Thirteen years later, God says that He’ll make a great nation out of Ishmael, but that that his barren wife (now 90) will bear the child that He’ll use to fulfill His promise. Sarah gives birth to Abraham’s child when she is 91.

Noah: God tells him to make a big boat because He’s going to flood the earth. A really big boat. Presumably it was built entirely by four men and a few women. Who knows how long it took just to make sure it was waterproof. And he’s building without the aid of useful things like cranes and steam-powered motors. When he finishes at the age of 600, God floods the earth.

Joshua and Caleb: ready to enter the Promised Land after spying out Canaan. Other 10 spies convince the people that it’s suicide. Spend the next 40 years wandering the backside of the desert waiting for everyone 20 or older to die because of God’s punishment on those people. Caleb is 86 when he finally gets to enter the Promised Land.

and on and on.

This pattern has never really occurred to me before. Six months after I finally submitted my will to God’s will, I’m tired of waiting. I want to go do something. I want to start accomplishing things. I wanna know what God’s specific call is on my life. Like David knew. Like Caleb knew. Like Paul knew. Like Jesus knew. I want to know that God is calling me to a specific ministry in a specific place at a specific time.

But...

That’s not how God works.

even Jesus. EVEN JESUS. EVEN JESUS DIDN’T START HIS MINISTRY UNTIL HE WAS 30. THAT’S LIKE. 8 YEARS OLDER THAN I AM RIGHT NOW.

UGH HE WAS PERFECT TOO. CAN I EVEN WAIT THAT LONG.

but maybe...

maybe during that time we have to seek God. Maybe that’s what that long period of training/waiting was for. Maybe it’s to learn Who God is. To learn Him. Not to seek the purpose of our lives, but to seek Him. 

I’ve been waiting to hear God say, “Go here at this time. Go back to school here and declare this major and then transfer to this school at this time” and so on and so forth. But maybe...

Maybe I’m just being called to put Him first. To find everything is in Him. To stop pursuing plans and goals and accomplishments and to instead pursue God.

Maybe that’s what He’s been calling me to all along...

[calshim]

I Run Like I Don’t Care (God Cares Though)

So... talking to God last week didn’t really happen.

I did it for like 1 minute every day and then screwed around doing something else.

except Sunday, when I screwed around for a few hours and then spent a few hours lying on the back deck at my house in the fetal position and then coming inside and doing the same thing on a couch and then going to bed early. I was so tired.

what was I even asking? i don’t really know...

mmm.... I think I was just like, “Hey God, I don’t know what’s going on, and I’m tired of this, and I want to just ask you why i feel like You’re trying to tell me something while curled up in the fetal position because i’m scared and I want to hide and I feel like [an unintelligent donkey] and i don’t know what to do because i don’t know what you’re doing and I just want to know where You want me to go.”

Not a whole lot of intelligent complaining. Just whining.

And I woke up this morning, and i didn’t want to be up, and I got up anyway, and I just yelled at God in my mind asking, Why am I still afraid? and I was like ugh I just wanna sing so I came up with 1/4 of a chorus for a song and somehow I felt so much better about everything.

NSQ (non-sequitur): Incidentally I was actually on time to work for 4 days straight, which actually kind of boggles my mind. I wasn’t on time for anything else though.

I think there’s something to be learned there but I don’t know what it is.

*end NSQ*

And now I have to make music and figure out if I can layer audio if i take videos...

Also DOES ANYBODY WANT TO RECORD SOME KIND OF BASS OR ELECTRIC GUITAR LINE IF I MAKE A SONG because i can’t play guitar but i could probably add both in my head in some kind of rudimentary fashion.

Those are not the same instrument, but i’d appreciate either/both.

Edit: Upon further review, bass is more necessary than electric guitar.

I still would appreciate either one though.

[calshim]

Is Failing Supposed to Feel Good Because It Sucks

Last week was terrible. I feel like everything I did was destined to fall on its face from the start. Probably the only things that didn’t wear me out were

1) Going to church

2) Going to Japanese church after church

3) Going to a friend’s voice recital after church (I don’t think you’ll read this but YOU WERE AWESOME WOOOOOO) and then eating food (including my favorite food... in the world aaaaaahhhhhh...)

4) People actually coming to prayer booth

5) Sharing my testimony with someone

6) Singing to the glory of God.

I tried to do some evangelism but i’m such a ****ING COWARD I DIDN’T SPEAK TO ANYONE.

And then I thought God was like, Öh, ask this person if she wants prayer and i sat there and DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING. I totally suck at asking people I don’t know questions where I feel they’ll reject me in some meaningful way. i’m not actually sure what kind of rejection I’m afraid of.

Ugh.

Anyway.

I will not evangelize, no matter how much i want to and i want to shove a baseball bat through my brain because of it.

Buuuut maybe i’m just not succeeding because i’m not spending any time with God. 

Meanwhile, i grow more discontented with my fast food job and i wanna know if i’m just being a little baby or if God’s pushing me somewhere.

So this week is “Vent and Then Listen“ week. With more Bible reading! maybe.

Too stressed.

need sleep

zzzzzz

[calshim]

Greater Magic

I SEE YOU APRIL

breaking out beneath the sheets of brown grass

from underneath the sweaty hold of March

he thought he had you pinned

but a comeback's coming.

weariness will be overcome by Strength.

Life will beat death.

[calshim]

In other news, I think I drastically overestimate my impact on people.

[calshim]

Rest

After all the stress of this week (I should probably edit the previous post to reflect that better), this weekend was actually restful.

I spent quality time with good people. I heard a message on Numbers 13-14 on how the Israelites were afraid of the unknown so they refused to enter the promised land. They were constantly being tested, and on this test they totally failed. Like, they failed so bad that God told Moses He was starting over with him.

I don't know why that message was so awesome to me, but I loved it. I think because I definitely feel that I'm being tested and that there are real consequences to failing tests (thought in my case they are less serious because of Jesus' sacrifice) and I feel that all I'm doing is failing. But God uses these tests to show us who we really are and to make us into Who He is.

And the more tests I pass, the stronger I'll get and the more instances I'll have where I'll be able to look back, saying, "THIS is where God showed His faithfulness."

Great worship set. "Oceans" was great for this.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders.

Let me walk upon the water wherever You would call me.

Take me further than my feet would ever wander,

And my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior.

Mmmm.

Then walking and talking with people and having an opportunity to rehash the message to a person who missed it.

Sunday I went to church, told a young woman I liked her for some reason (not sure why I did it but I feel good about it even though I can't be her boyfriend for various reasons), went to Japanese church, hung out with people, had my voice complimented by someone I'd just met (I daydream about singing professionally sometimes and do nothing about it), went home, wasted time and ate too much food, ended up late for my friend's voice recital (SOOOOOO GOOOOOD OH MY WORD RESPECT), hung out with some people I didn't know and a few I did know, figured out I had met someone in the "I don't know you" group months ago (she looked familiar...), came home, wrote this.

And I feel rested for the first time in a few weeks.

I'm not sure why.

Might be good to figure out.

[calshim]

*Bleeding in the Silence*

Sunday: Went to church, played cajón, decided against asking out a young woman i like because she has a boyfriend, went to Japanese church, bonded with 友達 there, ate some small pieces of baked goods with chocolate chips in them marketed by an animated gray wolf in a red sweater that in fact constitute a breakfast cereal, went home at 5 pm, wasted the rest of the day.

Monday: Got up early, ate breakfast while studying 日本語, shaved, went to work, came home, wasted time, ate dinner, wasted more time, went to bed late-ish but not that late, resolved to stop screwing around and start scheduling everything so I stopped wasted time with a day planner.

Tuesday: Got up early, ate breakfast while studying 日本語, took a shower, went to Staples, bought an hour-by-hour planner, felt a check in my spirit, went to other work, worked for a few hours, went to work, came home after the sun went down, ate dinner, wasted time again, scheduled meet-ups with people, went to bed a little too late, i think.

Wednesday: Got up early, ate breakfast while studying 日本語, shaved, went to work, wondered why i still worked there, asked about taking a week off in june for a youth camp i haven’t made a decision on helping out with, got an answer i was happy with, went home, ate dinner, tried to study the Bible and pray, fell asleep at 8, woke up in the middle of the night and brushed my teeth, went back to bed.

Thursday: Got up early (with 10.5 hours of sleep under my belt), spent the first 2 hours praying and asking God what the heck I was supposed to be doing, ate breakfast, saw somebody needed a car, showered, studied the Bible and prayed and spent time with God for a few more hours, emailed parents about lending car, grabbed something for lunch, met with the pastor of Japanese church, came away glowing, met with the pastor of my regular church, talked about being a pastor, some of the glow came off, came back and found out they used uber, sighed, went to prayer group at Princeton, ate food with a friend for free, prayed and was nervous before prayer booth (where you ask people passing by in the campus center if they want prayer), found out instead of being with an experienced person like the organizers try to do i’d be with another new guy, prayed with my friend because i thought i was unprepared, spent the first hour of prayer booth singing loudly in a public area because i had the second shift, started calling out to people second shift, had two people come up the whole time and both of them were people either i knew or my co-prayer knew, felt like I had failed somehow, came home emotionally and spiritually exhausted, went to sleep.

Friday: Got up early, ate breakfast while studying 日本語, shaved, asked Mom for prayer, almost cried on my way to work, started work, realized midway through the day if I went deep into my emotions i could probably cry in front of everyone in the fast food restaurant i work in, came home, wasted some time on the computer, wrote this blog post.

Still haven’t given emotional vent yet today.

[calshim]

Means To an End

Listening to God is not a means to an end.

Praising Him with song is not a way to make a harsh King relent.

Giving money/time/space/resources to God is not a currency dealt to acquire more valuable commodities from the ultimate Source of all good things.

Reading the Bible is not a recourse to ace a demanding Professor’s tests.

Loving others is not a method to make a strict Teacher turn His face away from you for a moment.

Loving God is not a means to an end.

To love God is to find the end.

To love God is to fulfill your purpose.

To love God, obey Him.

To love God is to act righteously.

Love Him.

Seek to know God—as a friend who you just met but can’t help but love.

Listen to His Word—as pure truth spoken from the mouth of a mysterious but terribly strong and wise man who has seen and done it all.

Speak to Him about your hopes and fears—as to a father in whom your trust is absolute because you just know that he will not lead you astray.

Seek to please Him—as a brother who endured the hell you’d raised because his love for you would not be silenced.

Love Him to the end.

[calshim]

Evangelism in College Campus

So this week and last week I think God's been calling me out to do more risky things for Him. So I was like, hey, I'm free Thurday. I'll go and do some outdoor praise and evangelism on Princeton campus at 2:30 PM.

In preparation for that, I went up to the Sourland Mountain Preserve because, hey, Jesus went up into the mountains when He wanted to pray, right? I'll do the same.

So I sat on a big rock and was just getting into listening to Him and praying and reading the Bible when a middle-aged guy passes by. And I think, "Ugh, I don't want to talk to anyone right now. I'm trying to talk to God."

So I tried to ignore him and go about my business even after he said hi.

But God was like, "Hey, I want you to go talk to that guy."

And I was like, "Nah, God, that's not why I came up here."

And God was like, "Nah, Caleb, that's not why I brought you up here."

And I was like, "Oh man. I guess you're the boss, huh? Well, if that's what you're after."

As a pair of college-age kids were coming up the trail, I went up to him to say hi and ask if I could walk with them.

They were down.

So I just kind of jumped into talking with them about whatever. I'm not sure how I got to talking about God with them... I think I was talking with the collage-age kid about what I did for a living and how God was working in my life since Manna spring retreat. And he was agreeing with me and I was talking more and more about things and the older guy was asking where I went to church and I asked him back and it turns out I went to the youth group of his church when i was a senior in high school.

So yeah. I ended up talking with the college guy and the middle-aged guy for the better part of 4 hours.

Meanwhile, I got antsy because I wanted to be on Princeton campus at 2:30 and 2:30 came and went and I was still 30 minutes away from Princeton.

And I thought, Uh, maybe I wasn’t supposed to talk to them so long.

But it is what it is. I think I was encouraged that stepping out is simple. And God’s call was so clear as well. I felt really strongly that God wanted me to talk to them. I delayed making the decision for probably a full 30 seconds though. I need to obey faster.

Overall, though, I think it was good.

Because by the time I actually got to campus, someone was asking if I was still on campus with the intention of joining me. So I thought, “Wow, God really knows what He’s doing.”

And I got excited for doing what I came to do. I expected great things to happen.

...

It didn't go so well. We did some singing of praise songs, prayed for direction, walked around campus with him showing me things around campus, and then spent 30 minutes trying to be led to the people God would reveal to us. I really think God was honored by our singing outdoors, but I think I was too scared to actually go and talk to somebody. Also I think these kind of things should be prayed over more. Also I think God was honored anyway. But I still want to do more for Him.

Also I want to just do what He tells me. That's a good thing, right? I think so. "If you love Me, you will obey My commandments.“

My heart is jumping up into my mouth right now like it wants its deepest desires to be known and understood and accepted and embraced.

I really want to try this again.

God, I love You.

Help me to seek You.

Please.

Please.

Please.

[calshim]

Brace Yourselves

New Jersey people: Hooray, spring is finally here!

God: LOL

[calshim]

Small Things

Today in drive-thru (I work in fast food) somebody’s Golden Retriever was looking at me. It was really cute. So I smiled at it.

AND ITS EARS STARTED PERKING UP.

I totally did not expect that level of response. So about 10 seconds later or something. I did it again.

AND ITS EARS SLOWLY PERKED UP AGAIN.

I was so happy about this I thought I’d share it.

Dogs are really responsive.

[calshim]

Bloggin

I really don't like IE, but I have a block on all the other forms of internet, so the fact that it just CRASHED WHILE I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF WRITING SOMETHING will just have to be forgiven.

Anyway. I was gonna call this post "Blogging" but I mistyped and kinda liked where it went. So now this post is "Bloggin". Hooah.

Anyway. a bunch of people some people a few people have told me to keep them updated. I kind of ignored it in the past, but I think it's worthwhile. One, because I intend to keep up a journal anyway, and two, because it's a convenient way to allow other people to see into my life.

My aim for this blog is to chronicle what's going on in my life. My hopes, my fears, my dreams, my sorrows. Some things are off-limits, but a lot of it's not going to be, and if you ask me a question, I'll give you an answer. Maybe it'll take a while and maybe it won't really answer your question, but I'll try to be honest.

More than that, though, I want this to be about the work of God in my life. I've been through all kinds of things because of Him, and I think it's worthwhile to tell people about it.

I'm an egotist. I ask people if they think I talk too much because I'm too focused on me, and they say no, but I think that's because I actually have a lot of interesting things to say. Do I like sharing, or do I like to be the focus of conversation? I think both are true, and the latter is something to run away from.

Help me in that Father.

Especially in this egotist's paradise that is blogging.

*sigh*

I'm not looking forward to doing backlogs again about all that's happened because SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED AAHHHHH but at the same time it feels like everything is moving too slow. I kind of wonder if I'd ever be satisfied with the pace no matter how fast or slow it is.

"Speak, for Your servant hears."

Help me to image You: in the name of Jesus Christ I ask this. Amen.

[calshim]

It took me a while but

I finally realized two things:

1) I need to pursue God, not His plan for my life. The latter is idolatry.

2) I am loved by God. I am always loved by God. God loves me when I mess up. God loves me even though I mess up. God does not condemn me.

I am loved by God.

[calshim]

Some Nights

I think of times past when my soul's eyes were legally blind.

I couldn't see for shit, but I saw just enough to know that I'd give anything to be with a few of those people forever.

Unfortunately "anything" didn't include all the crap I was into.

If you can't connect your heart with your brain you have a major problem.

I'll see you all 80 years down the road, guys.

I love you.

[calshim]

The Spirit of Prophecy

is apparently the testimony of Jesus. Or rather, the testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy.

Can someone tell me if I have the gift of prophecy... what is that anyway?