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@cancerat30
A wonderful and emotional experience at the Cancer Councils Relay For Life and the survivors/carers lap. Joined by my Mum and children and the awesome group of ladies that is Dragons Abreast Canberra, it was something special to be a part of! Thankyou to everyone who participated and contributed... and for those who donated the morning tea - cupcakes were amazing š
Also this happened...AFL GF 2016... just saying. I may have a pretty awesome sister who took me as her plus one this year š Absolutely nothing to do with this blog but where else am I going to put it?? Billie and Saxon - take note of the top two and ask about them if you don't know who they are šš¼ Also note the single St Kilda premiership as it won't be that way for too much longer! Oh we'll come marching in!!!!
My Boobs!! First pic Iāve put up I think (& most likely the only one). This was taken after the last surgery (Oct) following a visit to āColleenās Post Mastectomyā shop in Canberra. After all the doom and gloom with the unexpected result from the last surgery, Mum and I made the trip and I purchased two bras. The most important (& I have to say exciting) part though was the purchase of a prosthesis for the smaller side. I would have preferred not to have needed it, however the feeling once I put a bra on with it wasā¦ well letās just say Mum cried when I walked out of the change room and said 'Mum, I have even boobs!ā šš¼š
The relief was immense and I could once again wear clothes without feeling/looking uncomfortable. It was the first time in about 18 months I felt I was close to having breasts back.
I gotta say following the heat weāve had in recent times, itās been awesome being able to throw on a bra (wth my sneaky addition) and a t-shirt!!
For now, I'll take it...until the next round of surgery, which I'm not thinking about until the NY š
Mum and me at our first Regatta with Dragons Abreast Canberra. Such an awesome experience - good fun, great company and a challenge! Also happened to time well with a family gathering so we had a solid cheer squad ššš
Forgot to add my pink bag photos!! BCNA luncheon months ago and I was the fortunate winner of a pink handbag š yet to use it however I'm sure there'll be an opportunity soon š
That last post was for my friend Beck who has been diagnosed with bowel cancer and is having a shit ride. She is facing an incredibly tough fight ahead. Lotsa love woman to you and your family š
FUCK YOU CANCER!!
FUCK! YOU! FUCKING! CANCER!
A bad day...
It's as simple as that. Today I had the horrible experience of having the dressings removed from my breasts and stomach. The pain has become insignificant... When you have a nurse react with "woah you're a bit lopsided aren't you" and a husband who agrees with you that it looks like they haven't done anything, it's hard to be positive. After previous surgeries, I'd say I only had an 'introduction' to hell this time, however it hits harder when you feel like it was all for nothing. Today is a real low. My moments of stay positive, keep going, it will all be worth it, I'm doing so well are hard to come by at times like this. It hit like a tonne of bricks. The trigger finger was readied with the pain, it was definitely pulled when the nurse made her comment. I mean what a stupid thing to say. I can defend her because she doesn't know my background, what I've been through etc etc. but today I'm not going to. Looking back it was insensitive and I believe she thought the same when I informed her the purpose of this surgery was to fix just that! After responding with 'sorry to be the bearer of bad news' and grabbing a tissue box, she then went on about how well I'm doing over and over and over, when really what the fuck does she know. I hate the fact that I walked into the reception area and cried in my Dads arms in front of everyone. Hubby came home from work cause I was a mess. Every time I talk to someone I'm a mess. There will be more surgery. There will be more pain, more bruises, more lumps and bumps and scars. Maybe I need to manage my expectations better. The next conversation with my surgeon will be an interesting one. When he comments that it went so well, he must be referring to the medical/surgical side of the house, not from my point of view in what I want to achieve. I feel confident and assured after consults because of how 'simple' the surgery will be, how 'straight forward' the procedure is, how 'easy' it will be to fix the symmetry. Let's be frank and clear about the next steps, what exactly I can expect and why the hell nothing seems to be different after this step... I feel like I'm letting off steam although I don't feel like that what's I necessary need to do. Some days the road ahead feels like it continues to get longer and longer... I feel shit, my body looks shit, how fucking long does it have to be that way? I may not feel good about this post tomorrow - who am I to carry on? D has gone to pick up the children. Just the day for me to have my beautiful little family around - put things into perspective and lift my spirits... please...
Stay dry
Ggggrrrr all u want to do when you have been in hospital is shower! Iām on stay dry orders for a week! Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Duck. Haha the last was a typo (the only typo) and itās staying there. Chris the nurse is here again and remembers me from last time. Baby wipes are your best friend, he says. Heās great - one of those fun, make you feel good nurses. I think I said this last time but reminds me of Pat a little. The poor bastard had to wipe my butt last time I was here. Iām sure heās done worse - I HOPE heās done worse! š
Sidebar. Nurse just said to lady next to me - āyou must be feeling good, youāve put some lippy onā. Thought of Mardy - itās because of the lippy that sheās feeling good! š
My weetbix was just delivered. Along with egg omelette and toast which Iām not even going to look at. Vomit.
No showering for a week š©š©š© yes Iām going to go on about it. Ma, youāre gonna have to wash my hair in the sink - canāt deal for that long! pleaseā¦š
One of the surgeons told me yesterday women have 5 surgeries on average to get this right. I was happy with two - canāt see them yet but hopefully theyāve done a kickarse job so I donāt have to return for a while. Yes it gets easier each time but Iām so sick of pain. Woke in a world of pain after the surgery - all chest - took many drugs to ease and they knocked me out. I basically slept all arvo/nght except for one time where the nurse forced me to go to the toilet. I think I just floated there, did a wee and floated back. Now Iām feeling it in my stomach. Iām constantly reminded of what you use your stomach for - everything!! Nothing compared to last time - I know - that doesnāt seem to help much when Iām feeling it now!
Iām having this whole surgery without seeing my surgeon. Donāt even know if he turned up! He was running late yesterday - I waited 2hrs in a bed to get started and then they prepped me and put me to sleep b4 he even arrived so that when he did, they could not waste anymore time. Didnāt see him this morn - will see him the week after next. At least he called hubby afterwards to tell him all went well. I told one of the surgeons on his team I wanted to stay awake so I could give home shit about keeping me waiting. Maybe thatās why he hasnāt come to see me š I received a phone call at 2130 last nght requesting I come in at 1000 as opposed to 1200 for surgery and yet he was late anyway. God help him if he hasnāt done a GREAT job!
The woman next to me is discussing her fucking cancer - no cure, has had transplants, all forms of chemo etc etc it goes on. Itās remarkable how sheās speaking about it - like itās just another part of her day. Sheās 44, hubby was in here earlier. I selfishly wish I was elsewhere so I didnāt have to hear this. Yes, Iām still that person š
Should be out of here in an hour. Very excited by that. Think I need to give in and take the pain meds I refused earlier as my stomach pain is intensifying.
Well I just sat up and wow did it hit me. Because you all want to know - Iāve completely emptied my stomach. Canāt seem to win - pain meds thrown up cause of nausea. Now in a world of pain cause no pain meds! Discharge slightly delayedā¦
Billie: I love you more than all the stars in the sky. This is where you would tell me, you love me more then all the hot air balloons.
Saxon: I love you more than all the lions and tigers. This is where you would tell me, you love me more than T-Rex.
Family Fun Day @ Yacht Club. A real high before I head into surgery again! Xx
Round...?
Some things in life are so annoying and yet shouldn't be. A cpl of day ago I was halfway through a long entry for this blog - something happened, I had to run, I saved the draft and now it's nowhere to be found. Stupid technology. I swore, did the whole shut down and startup again, took a few deep breaths and gave up. It's really just a shame for you readers - you are now deprived of what were, no doubt, many wonderful thoughts for that day š Surgery...surgery, surgery...anyone? Anyone at all. Who wants it?? I'm in again day after tomorrow. This is one I'm actually looking forward to having. Well let's say to having it over with. I think I said that about the last one but knew that was a mistake the moment I woke up after it! This is the fix it job. Revision for the breasts and stomach. I haven't been able to buy a bra (and trust me I tried on a shitload) so I'm looking forward to some symmetry and natural shape. The stomach is slow going but at least I'll get rid of the dog ears. This one will be a breeze - and I can say that because I'm comparing it to the last one! I'll be cruising to Syd in the morn with D, we'll be enjoying a 3 course lunch in the revolving restaurant in Centrepoint, then we'll head over to catch up with some friends, sleepover in a pub, pop into RPA for surgery on Tues and then head back home to the kids on Weds. Easy. For the first time I thought about the process tonight. I'm getting cut up and put back together again yet the part I'm not looking forward to is the cannula in the arm! š It's always such a bloody hassle with me, there are always dramas and it's the one thing that friggin hurts cause they do it first b4 I'm put to sleep! I'm experienced now so I can speak up. No you will not try my foot cause it's the most painful and it never works. No you will not try the little vein in my left arm cause you will cause a blood clot and it never works. No you will not go into my forearm like you did last time because that hurt more than the foot! Yes I've had nodes removed in my right side but you will use it damn it because there is a big fat juicy vein and I've never had a problem with lymphoedema. End of discussion. Now bring it on š š Side note, I knew I would get in trouble for not having a photo of my red hair but trust me it didn't last long and quite possibly will never be returning š To make up for it, I will post some pics of the family on an outing today. I was energised today, felt good, really wanted to have some fun with the kiddies. We were in the car on the way home after a family fun day at the yacht club - which involved petting zoo, tattoos, jumping castle, cruise on the lake and then lots of dancing to a live band - when my Billie girl said to me, "I had so much fun playing with you today Mum". I replied with, thanks Billie, I had lots of fun with you too. Then I started crying. WTF?? Unexpected but all of sudden it felt like a comment out of the blue. Why? It shouldn't have but it did. Did today mean so much more to B because mum had energy, because mum was running around and dancing, because mum hadn't done as much as she used to for so long now and all of sudden she was...? So many thoughts went rushing through my head because of this one little comment and the way she said it. I wasn't really sad, I don't know what I was. I was told not to over analyse it but I don't think I did. I just think it's worth acknowledging because it affected me. It moved me. It made me happy, my girl was happy...perhaps it just reaffirmed things are getting back to how they once were? Mums getting better and Billie witnessed that today and enjoyed it. And boy, so did I š
My 3year old son this morn when I got out of the shower... "Mum I like your big boobies, they wobble like this (as he shakes a stick he had in his hand)" Pause. Reflect. Laugh! šš (and thank him) I've had so many moments throughout this last 18months where I've wondered what is going through my little darlings minds. How are they processing everything that is going on with Mum? Really you just have to make sure you're listening. Children more often than not speak their minds and it definitely comes without any filters. And hey if I have the approval of my 3 year old then it's all good and reconstruction was all worth it! What more can I ask for?! Bless you Saxy-Mac for your honesty and simply awesome character š
And I was! Another good consult. Its funny that - what makes a good consult?! When you have such bad ones in your life, youāll know the good ones!
No signs of any return of cancer (said in a very matter of fact manner). Living with cancer has its ups and down but today is an up. Physical examination all clear and I had the boss Onco so Iām very confident in her views. Yes there was discussion around cancer reoccurrence and itās incurable state but thatās not where my mind needs to be. I was reminded I have done everything I can - the Onco is not shy in saying they threw everything at me in the strongest possible way. Iāve handled it, Iām handling it, Iāll handle the side effects of these meds for a few more years because this is the hard core shit - this is the shit that is the best at killing my cancer off - this is the shit Iām going to prove I can take! Havenāt said it for a while so here goesā¦
FUCK OFF CANCER! šš¼šš¾šš¾š
Now onto my next appointmentā¦that ones just for me š
Waiting room...
It's a busy day. I said that last night and then I laughed. I laughed because I have 3 appointments today and that makes it busy! This morning I saw my surgeon. Dr Rome - he's great. Very easy going and easy to build a relationship with. You want that when he's giving you new breasts! It was an awesome consult. He's very happy with the surgery and where I'm at now. There are no restrictions now - I can wear other bras, I can start exercising, I can remove the stomach binder - all within my comfort zone of course. I'm reminded again I'll need to be patient. It may take up to 12months for my stomach to be back to normal and, to clarify, that means before I'll do something and not notice my stomach feeling any different than normal. I'm cool with that. The problem areas I have can be attributed to soft tissue or internal sutures that are yet to dissolve or nerve pain or fluid buildup - all normal - all will take time. So massage the fuck out of it! ššš but seriously I gotta massage it lots and lots and then some more to help it all along. I'm on a high after such a great consult. I can live with the discomfort for now knowing it worked and in time will settle down. I can also live with it because my breasts are awesome! No denying people. All the talk about how good a job they did in hospital was true. Yes the symmetry is a bit off but I'm assured that's because he was playing it safe. A wise thing to do for the initial surgery to ensure the tissue and skin survives. I'll be back under the knife in Sept/Oct for a 'revision'. In more detail - to remove some skin and lift the left one slightly to align with the right and fix a little bit of rippling and creasing on the right. The end result, I gotta say, should be a pair of pretty nice breasts (once the scarring fades)! It's day surgery! That's the most exciting part - no big deal compared to what I've already done. I also mentioned the nasty bits he's left on the sides of my stomach. 'Dog Ears' he called them. They'll settle also but he needs them later to make me some nipples so they'll be removed however that's the step after revision- another 6-8months down the track. Man it's fascinating and so impressive. Sorry if you didn't want the detail but you're getting it. Breast reconstruction 101 š š I'm now waiting to see my Oncologist for my 6monthly checkup. This is the time I don't enjoy. The consults are in the cancer unit and it's busy. The waiting room is full of people living with cancer. I actually feel out of place - I'm the youngest by at least 20years. It should be a quick consult. Physical examination (can show her my new breasts), discussion about the side effects of the drugs and a quick one re: reoccurrence of cancer. Standard parts of living with cancer š Oh the volunteers just arrived! Everyone is declining a cup of tea. I wish I drank tea because the joy on the ladies faces when someone says yes please is heart warming. Beautiful people ā¤ļø Hoping I'm next in...
Why do I put headings everytime I post something?!?!
I was asked about my cancer today by a mum at a kids birthday party. Sitting around discussing it whilst watching our kids run around and play - it didnāt feel surreal, I didnāt feel sad or regretful, I didnāt mind sharing, it just flowed like the rest of the conversation topics. The question asked today and by most isā¦ āAre you ok now, is it all sorted?ā or words to the effect. I respond basically to meet expectations that, yes, it is. And it is. Whilst they wonāt tell me Iām in the all clear for 10years, Iāve done and am doing all I can and so far so good. Itās the physical aspect people are asking about. Is the cancer out of the body? Have I ābeatenā it?
As I was talking about it, I was thinking to myself, its been a while since Iāve recapped the last 18months and what was involved to someone new. Lying in bed tonight I all of a sudden had an overwhelming sense of fear run through me. I have found ways to handle that and quickly turned it around.
The oncologist says youāll need treatment for a few months. The radiotherapy oncologist says youāll need treatment for a couple of months. The surgeon says youāll need surgery and recovery for a couple of months. Support services are in touch during these treatment phases but then contact is broken. Family and friends are in touch and around more often whilst undergoing treatment and then it dissipates. What you need to know is once all that is done there will still be some ātreatmentā required - youāll most likely need to work on your mental health and strength. Thatās the part they donāt focus on in the start but itās certainly the part youāll need to focus on in time. And that comes down to me because that form of treatment isnāt acknowledged by most in the same way the other forms are (except by my folks š).
Cancer. All the oohās and ahhās are warranted because of what it is and what it can do. Acknowledging that helped me accept it and everything that comes with it.
I have identified a need to stop fighting cancer. Fighting to have it removed from my life is a winless battle. It may be removed from your body but itās not removed from your mind.
Learning to live with cancerā¦Thatās how Iām winning.
I've got this...now
Over the past 18 months there has been a bit of a pattern...
I look back. I see myself before cancer. I was fit, healthy, I looked good, I looked young, my body was able to do the things it loves to do. I was mentally strong. I didn't have cancer! I look back and wish I had all that back.
So then I look forward. I know Iāll be able to do all those things again. I make plans. I time stamp for starting things again. I get excited. It wanes when I have setbacks or longer than expected recoveries. I have to delay some of my plans.
I look back again. Remind myself of what I can be and what I can do. Remind myself I wonāt be this way forever.
I stop and remember I'm living now. Iām a changed person and its time to embrace that. What can I do now. Who am I. Thatās the key. I've gotta stop the back and forth. The perfect opportunity to use my dads line - ālive in the momentā. Sometimes not as easy as said but thatās what I have to do.
So I am. I'm back to work next week and whilst I don't feel ready I'm jumping in anyway. It doesn't help that I've just had the worst few days of stomach discomfort, swelling and horrible knee pain but I'm jumping in baby! And that's exciting.
On a side note, today I have red hair! HA! Me - red hair?!?! Not quite suited to my complexion but good fun. May aswell take advantage of the growing hair from scratch but NAH not my colour. Now I'm gonna go back to good old brown as I'm sick of the yucky blonde streaks with brown regrowth š actually I'm about to be natural frosted brown - bring it on š