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@candiege2-blog
One step forward....
two steps back.
I am in an Outpatient Treatment Program, and we are having to dig into memories that are painful. That I haven’t dealt with properly.
Today I am having an anxiety attack and not able to function.
hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Suicide Attempt
So I hit rock bottom last week, and attempted to drive my car off a cliff. When that failed I went to the store with the intention to buy a gun and end it quickly. My wife called before I could complete the purchase saying she needed milk for the baby so I left to get the milk.
When it was discovered what I had done I was hospitalized, I am now in an outpatient treatment program.
Ways to die
For as long as I can remember I have fantasies about dying.
While driving being in a car accident and dying.
While hiking falling off a cliff.
While at work being killed by an inmate.
While in a crowd being shot by an active shooter.
No matter what I'm doing or where I'm at I have these fantasies that run on repeat through my head.
If it wasn't for my kids I would end it all but I couldn't do that to them...leave them behind to wonder why. To wonder if it was their fault, to wonder why I didn't love them enough to live.
So instead I fantasize of different ways to die that are not by my hand but because it was meant to be, my time to go. My kids wouldn't be left with questions and doubts.
Because I do love them I continue to live, ignoring the selfish desire to end it.
I smile and laugh and battle my dark thoughts alone.
Having high functioning depression and anxiety is walking through everyday appearing to have your shit together. Getting out of bed, making it to work on time everyday. Giving your job 100% and being successful in your career. Returning home, maintaining a house, playing with kids, talking with spouse, fixing dinner, getting kids bathed, bedtime story and cuddles. Getting the house picked up, stuff ready for tomorrow, and finally laying down. Perfect life right....
Wrong....
What no one can see is what is going on inside, the constant thoughts that are cycling through your head, the tightness in your chest, the struggle to breathe. The feelings of aggravation that you have to constantly tramp down so you don’t explode on people. Counting down the seconds until you can crawl back under your covers and hide from the world. The feeling of sadness that you can not pinpoint and never goes away.
This is me all day....everyday.....and no one knows. I have tried talking about it and I hear things like just be happy, stop worrying, your life is great, you have a great career, you have a great wife, you have great children, you have it better than most. All is true but does not change the feeling inside all it does is add the feeling of guilt.
Guilt that I can’t just be happy, Guilt that I have such a good life and find no joy in it, Guilt that I just can’t be normal.
The feeling of being tied in knots is suffocating.
Saatchi Art Artist David Holcomb; Drawing, “Age of Anxiety”
City of Sound Coat of Arms
30 years ago...
I was raped for the first time.
I have spent years in therapy trying to undo the damage that was done to me when I was 8 years old.
Years of therapy learning to not blame myself, to not feel shameful, and to not believe that I am dirty.
Most days the logical part of my brain is in control and I know that it wasn't my fault, I have nothing to be shameful about, and I am not dirty.
But
Then there are days like today when the memories are to vivid, the sound of my mother's voice telling me I had to learn to please a man in order to be loved is to loud to ignore.
Days like today I struggle.
Today I smiled, I laughed, I went out to dinner all the while fighting the memories. Memories that involved all five senses, remembering what he smelt like, remembering what he felt like, remembering the sounds he made, remembering the sight of his smile after he was done with me, and remembering the taste of his mouth.
Today I struggled.
Wearing my mask, smiling on the outside while I'm suffocating on the inside being overwhelmed by the memories, not showing the pain I'm feeling, not allowing the tears that are barely being kept in, out.
My mask is heavy.
Today I struggled.
I'm exhausted.
My secret
The thoughts in my head repeat on an endless loop. I'm screaming inside, crying inside, dying inside.
On the outside I smile, on the outside I laugh, on the outside I pretend life is good.
Fighting the anxiety, the thoughts of just making it stop, just ending it.
My secret is I repeatedly imagine ways of ending it, making the anxiety stop permanently all while smiling and cracking jokes.
I keep this secret because when I have shared it, I get told to relax, let it go, don't be so dramatic.
My solo battle
I'm exhausted.
Anxiety
Heart racing, tightness of your chest making you feel like your suffocating. Not knowing when it’s going to end. Not knowing why it’s happening. Not being able to control it. Everyone telling you to just breathe. Telling you to just relax. Telling you everything will be okay. No one understanding that you can’t breathe, you can’t relax, and you have no guarantee in that moment that things will be okay. Feeling ashamed that you have no control over your body, that it betrays you and you can’t do anything about it. Then the thoughts come...What is wrong with me? Why can’t I be normal? Why? Why? Why?
The hardest part is being alone, no one understanding, no one to talk to.....
REBLOG IF ITS OKAY TO TALK TO YOU.
Day 6 of 7 #bwchallenge. Seven photos of your life, seven days. No people, no explanation.
Day 5 of 7 #bwchallenge. Seven photos, seven photos of your life. No people, no explanation. I nominated #nicolepruett
Day 3 of 7 #bwchallenge. Seven days, seven photos of your life. No people, no explanation. I nominate @alxanderthegreatest
Day 2 of 7 #bwchallenge. Seven days, seven photos of your life. No people, no explanations.
Day 1 of 7 #bwchallenge. Seven days, seven photos of your life. No people, no explanations.
1-21-2018 USWNT vs DENMARK US wins 5-1, Amazing game.
