Do the thing

[spindabugs]

me: hi how are you?

customer: im returning this

me: *slaps my ass loud enough to deafen them* i said how are you

[anxietyproblem]

[unwelcome-ozian]

[martindykewood]

when you see someone from high school and they don’t recognize you that’s the exact opposite of the mortifying ordeal of being known. the gratifying relief of being forgotten

[popokko-deactivated20210315]

peeling a clementine is so easy. it comes so naturally. its inviting… the clementine WANTS to be peeled. its melancholic, sanguine… but an orange? whats an orange but a nuisance… the orange torments and mocks with its brute strength. it exists only to create chaos. next time you decide to indulge in a citrus delight, heed my word. choose the clementine 

[justnoodlefishthings]

I have found Jesus

[justnoodlefishthings]

[veryfunnymemes]

[veryfunnymemes]

[whatisstarwars]

@cannibalistic-octopus

[bahrains]

it’s so difficult not being able to use milennial humor in a corporate setting. like i made a mistake today and i wanted to tell my supervisor it’s because i suffer from Dumb Bitch Disease, but do you think that would fly?? fuck no. i gotta say shit like, “sorry for the misunderstanding!” i can’t wait till the workforce is made up entirely of millennials and i can say “sorry i drank idiot juice for breakfast this morning” and my coworkers will be like “oh worm.”

[muppethole-deactivated20240312]

i taught my boss the meaning and usage of “yeet” after i accidentally let it slip in the office and a day later he walks up to my desk and says “i just yeeted you an email” with a completely straight face and i nearly bowled over

[hilarioushumorfromouterspace]

[dwinkus]

nonlocal area code = hang up. obvious telemarketer

local area code = hang up. this one is also a telemarketer but trying to be sneaky

never answer the phone ever

[transvampirerights]

[thecooler]

[whaleinwhite]

[coolxatu]

[fuckdumbshit]

Cryptid that shoots you when you find out about it

[fuckdumbshit]

Glock ness monster

[tashaneva]

sometimes i wish my brain had a switch off button or something

[thepretendr]

“Swearing is unattractive” I’m not attractive anyway so fuck off

[theredpelican]

we’re literally floating on a tiny planet in fucking space why are we surrounded by hatred and misery. why can’t everyone just calm the fuck down and lay on some grass. the sun is a GIANT BURNING ORB why does money exist. fuck everything

[unclefather]