things you wish you could post, but really can't

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close call

My mom posted an album of my baby photos online for my birthday. Too bad she doesn't understand how tagging works 💅

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Note to Self:

Filling a bathtub with champagne would take roughly 100 bottles. At $15 a bottle that would cost under 2g's. I HAVE A NEW SAVINGS GOAL.

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//18

Excuse me, she's a lady -she took it up the derrière

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Period app says it's still 4 days away.....STILL too soon to risk wearing white pants.

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Marriage

Wife: Hey babe, you know plastic utensils melt when you leave them in the pot right?

Me: Hey babe, you know you’re standing in the kitchen and could have just removed the spoon right?

Wife: Hey babe, FUCK YOU

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Bachelor

What's wrong with her hairline? Why 'coz it would take four days to walk across her forehead?

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Not your parents minivan

- you gonna strip for me?

- prob not, we're in a minivan

- all the more reason to spice it up 😜😎

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Sorry kids, even a Jr. VP in Ad Sales does n't make enough money for a private jet.

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Monday Nights

"Buy me a drill because I'm a business lesbian who likes to drill things" *wink*

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Confession Time

I am almost always high AF when I tweet

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Broken Hearts

"But......we bought lamps together. I thought we'd be together forever........."

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When sexting goes wrong

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Fungus

Friend gets ripped on mushrooms, lays on the floor in hysterics. Laughing and crying she goes: "I don't know what emotions are happening, they're leaking out of me. My emotions are on the ground with me because I'M BESIDE MYSELF".

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Grownup Problems

Can someone please tell me whether or not its appropriate to use an emoji in a condolence text? I mean, its already a text and they're an emoji kind of person??

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Squad Goals

"Excuse me, I laid the blankets out nicely so we could share and you're hogging them all" "NO EQUALITY, MY BLANKETS. That should be the hash tag for our wedding" "Yes, I'm sure that #noequality would go over really well at our gay interracial wedding. Idiot"

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Sunburns

Drip aloe vera lotion onto my scorching hot body while I writhe and moan on the bed.

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Stupid

"If we quit smoking does that mean no more drugs?" "No, stupid"