Can't Stop Swiping

Andrea, 26 I'm tall, and that's important These are my Los Angeles dating adventures.

[cantstopswiping]

[Tinder] Date #26: Adam 2

It’s finally happened - I’m doubling up on names. But unlike Adam 1, Adam 2 didn’t leave me searching for the nearest exit. For the sake of privacy, I’m referring to the Adams as Adam 1 and Adam 2 rather than with their last initials, numbered that way based solely on timing. Clearly not numbered based on ranking.

Who: Adam, 28

What made me swipe right: This match was a little different from all my other matches (queue little children at the seder - “Why is this night different from all other nights?”). I vaguely knew Adam before we matched on Tinder. At a low point in my life, I worked the front desk at 24 Hour Fitness. Adam happened to be a member of that particular location and would actually converse with me beyond the typical “have a great workout,” “thanks” exchange. I was bored out of my mind, and anyone that would help pass the time was a hero. Adam and I bonded over a shared interest in Urban Planning (he’s actually using that interest to make money, I’m using that interest to waste time). And he also has the most piercing, heart-stopping eyes. So there’s that.

Who started the conversation: I kicked things off with a reminder that we actually knew each other:

Conversion time: 2 hours from the first message (me) to the official date request (him)

What happened before the date? Thankfully, there was only a day between solidifying date plans and the actual date. Since I had already met Adam, and successfully talked to him on a couple occasions, I knew that the date wouldn’t be a complete bust. I went into it feeling excited but cautious. And proud to tell my mom I was going on a date with a nice Jewish boy.

Anyways, he suggested 9pm which is basically my bedtime, but he’s sweet and smart and cute so I figured it was worth losing a couple hours of sleep for the possibility of a good date.

What happened on the date? He beat me to the bar by a couple minutes and we hugged before I sat down. There was no fear of trying to figure out who my date was because 1) we’ve already met; and 2) he’s a 28-year-old bald guy. And I want to clarify, there’s nothing wrong with being bald, especially when you’re a 28-year-old guy who (I’m assuming) gracefully embraced his receding hairline and jumped into baldness. But it’s a pretty distinctive feature for a white guy under 30.

We caught up on what I’ve been up to since leaving the gym, how his West Hollywood project turned out, and all the other pleasantries before diving into some deeper topics. I went off on sexist microaggressions in the workplace, because it seems like that’s all I can talk about lately (me and the rest of the feminist world). He didn’t get up and leave right then and there, so he gets points for that.

And did I mention his beautiful eyes?! It made me uneasy, knowing those beautiful eyes were staring at me.

At last call, he graciously offered to pay and refused my card when I pulled it out (I hate going through the motions, but it doesn’t seem appropriate to just sit there silently while the guy pays). During our conversation I mentioned I walked to the bar, and when we were leaving he offered to drive me home. And then we ended up at his place...

I got no sleep, didn’t shower, got to work late, and am currently wearing the same outfit I wore on the date (which, thankfully, isn’t what I wore to work yesterday). BUT he drove me back home this morning, in rush hour traffic, in the complete opposite direction he needed to go, SO IT MUST BE LOVE (see: “You’re so cute, I would drive across LA in traffic for you”)

What happened after the date/What’s next? I’m writing this just hours after leaving his apartment, so what happens next is still very much a big question mark. Stay tuned.

Takeaways:

The secret to a stress-free first date is knowing the person already (thank you, Captain Obvious)

Find you a boy who will drive you home in rush hour traffic

UPDATE: he made an ill-conceived Matt Lauer joke on our third date and that was the end of Adam 2.

[cantstopswiping]

I. AM. NOT. YOUR. REBOUND

Dear every eligible male aged 26-34 (ish),

Swipe right if you please, but don’t be cute and sweet and smart and did I say cute if you’ve just emerged from a long-term relationship. Because here’s what happens: even if you say you’re ready for something new, you’re probably not. And if you’re not ready, then I’m not interested. Despite your best intentions, I’m the one that stands to get hurt and I’m fucking fabulous and don’t need any more boys to tell me, “You’re great, but...

...I’m not over my ex”

...I’m getting back together with my ex”

...I’m not ready to jump into a new relationship”

...I need some time to be single”

I will not be the victim of bad timing ANYMORE. Find someone who’s looking for something more casual and bide your time until you’re ready to deserve my love.

Sincerely,

NOT YOUR REBOUND

[cantstopswiping]

[Tinder] Date #25: Alex

Who: Alex, 28

What made me swipe right: He’s CUTE. Not just in the portion of his profile that’s concealed by the flame, but also in the portion of his profile that is self-deprecating and mentions Air Bud. Who knew Air Bud trivia could be a panty dropper.

Who started the conversation: He did. My profile at the time read “Take me to Red Lobster and tell me I’m pretty while I eat my weight in Cheddar Bay Biscuits.” He took the bait and responded accordingly:

...it wasn’t. Little did he know I had gone for the first time just a week earlier.

Conversion time: Two days from the first message (him) to the official date request (also him):

Reasons why I won’t go to Red Lobster on a first date:

Driving to Inglewood is a commitment

I need to make a good first impression before jumping into all-you-can-eat

I need to vet the guy to make sure he won’t judge me for my love of Cheddar Bay Biscuits

What happened on the date? We met at my go-to first date spot (not Red Lobster) on Monday. He was just as cute (although a little shorter) as I anticipated. We talked about cults, the virginity of anal sex, my love of teen movies, and I shared my fun story about West Hollywood (I’ve been told I can’t call it a fun fact because that’s misleading). But it all felt intelligent. Even the stupid stuff. It’s clear he puts real thought into everything he says and he brought that out in me. I think my nervousness gave me away a few times, but he didn’t seem to notice. As the night went on, we rotated towards each other on the bar stools until our knees were touching and our legs became intertwined.

We stayed at the bar until they turned the lights on, and then he offered to drive me home. We had a pretty steamy make out session in the car and said goodnight. Look at me trying to take it slow(ish).

Date #2: He texted me the next afternoon to check in and make plans for a second date. We landed on Thursday (not so slow...) - he agreed to come with me to a store opening and a concert I was going to for work. A few songs into the concert he put his arm around me in a tentative show of attraction, or possession. In that moment, if felt like any movement - shifting my weight from one foot to the other, sneezing, blinking - would spook him and his arm would retreat back to his side. As the show went on, and I inevitably had to fidget, his hold became more purposeful while still gentle. I’ve never felt so flattered by physical touch.

After the concert, we were walking through a parking lot to get back to my car. I was walking almost in the middle of the driveway, and when a car pulled into the lot, he pulled me over to the parked car side and stood between me and oncoming traffic in a show of protection and chivalry that somehow didn’t feel chauvinistic. 

Date #3: While we were together on Date #2 (Thursday), my friend bailed on our plans to see Tears for Fears and Hall & Oates the next day (Friday). Somehow, I convinced Alex to bail on his existing plans and come with me to see one of my absolute favorite bands (Tears for Fears). We were that annoying couple at a concert that won’t let go of each other. He would pull me in tighter and tighter, like he had to feel my body at all times in the perfect touchy-feels display of affection.

After the concert we went back to his immaculately decorated apartment and, brace yourselves people, HE MADE ME A CHEESE PLATE. AT MIDNIGHT. AND BROUGHT IT TO ME. IN BED. If that’s not love, TELL ME WHAT IS.

What’s next? We’ve seen each other a couple times since that incredible first week, and I’m just as enamored as I was in the beginning. The problem is, I’ve done some online stalking, and I’m pretty confident he’s just getting out of a serious relationship. We all know I have a terrible track record when it comes to falling for someone in rebound mode (see: Sean, Mark), so I’m trying to be protect myself and approach with caution, BUT HE’S SO CUTE. AND SWEET. AND SMART. I haven’t heard from him in a bit (which sucks), and I think the best move is to leave it up to him. Here’s hoping I hear from him eventually. Maybe in a few months when he’s had some time to be single.

Takeaways:

SERIOUSLY be careful with someone getting out of something serious

Find you a man who will bring you a midnight cheese plate in bed

[cantstopswiping]

The Current State of Affairs

I owe you all an apology. After giving you recaps of my first dates, I hardly ever close the circle on any of my “relationships.” I owe y’all an explanation for keeping tabs on my love life, so here’s a rundown on the current state of affairs: 

Eric: My first Tinder date, we went on one date and then never spoke again.

Parker: I ran, I ran fast, and then never responded to his texts like an asshole.

Wade: My first Tinder rejection - I had a feeling he wasn’t really into me anymore and then he ghosted.

Tyler: We hooked up for a while, he was really awkward around my friends, his uncle stalked me on Linkedin, I ended things right before my Christmas party, he insisted he was still coming to my Christmas party, he didn’t come to my Christmas party...

Jason: I was really into him after our first date and I actively tried to make second date plans but his “work schedule” wasn’t accommodating. That’s all she wrote.

Aza: He drunk texted me after a night out in Santa Monica and when he came over I soon realized all he wanted was a place to charge his phone.

Sean: Months after cracking my heart (not fully breaking it), he followed me on instagram. THAT BITCH.

Jack: Went on a couple dates and enjoyed myself, but it didn’t go anywhere from there. We recently matched on Hinge and had a quick and awkward conversation.

Jordan: We talked constantly until I started dating Mark. I ended things with Jordan when I started falling hard for Mark. After Mark dumped me, Jordan read my blog and reached out. We hooked up for about a year and in the process he became one of my best friends (with benefits). He started dating a girl, we stopped hooking up, and now we’re not allowed to talk. It’s an enormous bummer. Jordan, if you’re out there, I’d like to take a moment to prove that you’re an asshole:

Exhibit A: the moment Jordan told me we couldn’t eat food together anymore:

Exhibit B: that same conversation, when Jordan told me he didn’t have an issue with talking to me:

Exhibit C: just over three months later, Jordan (who previously said he has no issue talking to me) makes me feel like a piece of shit for letting him know an artist we had seen in Portland was coming to LA:

No, Jordan, you didn’t say.

Verdict: Jordan is the piece of shit.

Mark: We all know how that went. This wasn’t just a crack, my heart was fully broken. I haven’t heard from or seen him since.

Jeffrey: I’ve run into him a bunch of times (bar trivia, lunch at the restaurant across the street from my office) and it’s been abundantly awkward.

Dan: He finally came back from working abroad and we went on a great second date. Our third date (erm, booty call) was slightly weird and we haven’t spoken since.

Sam: We went on two pretty great dates, hooked up while he was house-sitting for his brother, went to Red Lobster (IT FINALLY HAPPENED), and haven’t spoken since.

And with that, you’re all caught up. Stay tuned for a couple date recaps coming soon.

[cantstopswiping]

Crowdsourcing Halloween

I’m a procrastinator in every area of my life, but never is it more apparent than October. This year, since I had waited until the week before my first Halloween party of the season, I decided to ask the boys of Tinder and Hinge for their help:

I had high hopes for this guy - his costume took a queue from the MASTERPIECE that is Can’t Hardly Wait. But he fell short when it came to my costume:

Whatever cred he garnered for Can’t Hardly Wait, he promptly lost for his misguided attempt at being relevant. Related: face paint is the worst and I will smudge it immediately.

Next up, the pig I absolutely expected: 

Definitely don’t have the ass for that. But really, does Kim?

And then, the bigger pig I absolutely expected: 

TRICK OR TREATING IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART YOU IDIOT

And last, but certainly not least, the most pretentious guy at the party:

How could I have missed the Protestant Reformation - SUCH AN OBVIOUS CHOICE. But then again, isn’t everyone going as the Protestant Reformation? Maybe I should keep looking. 

[cantstopswiping]

Beyond contraception, birth control is BASIC HEALTH CARE. It can be vital to a woman's health and freedom, and lawmakers (the ones who still tax tampons as a "luxury" while Viagra is a "necessity") should NEVER have the power to take that access away.

[cantstopswiping]

[Hinge] Date #24: Keya

Who: Keya, 26

What made me swipe right: Fun fact about me: I don’t know how to ride a bike. Countless friends have promised to teach me, but I still have yet to learn. I’m just too aware of the distance between me and the ground and how much it will hurt when I inevitably fall. In the two truths and a lie on his profile, Keya included the potential fact he doesn’t know how to ride a bike. I had a strong suspicion he, like me, uses that one as a truth to throw people off and I had to find out.

He also fits in that category of “he’s cute enough, but would probably be more attracted to me” which is always kind of appealing. It’s a conceited outlook, but wanting to be on the receiving end of more lust has to be a common phenomenon in the dating app world. I wouldn’t call it settling, but I would consider it accepting reality - the longer I’ve been on these apps, the wider net I’m casting in the hopes that maybe I’ll find a nice guy who is head-over-heels for me and is not still in love with their ex...

Who started the conversation: He did. But, like most other entitled men in Los Angeles, he liked my photo and didn’t say a word. I took it upon myself to connect the dots and make the anti-biking connection:

Who made the date request? He did, in an adorably apprehensive way:

What happened before the date? It was the week-of and we still hadn’t settled on an activity. I found out about a free bus tour of Downtown Los Angeles that centered around the historic neon signs in the neighborhood and had to find a way to make it happen. It’s probably the most unique first date I’ve come up with (because a vast majority take place at my favorite neighborhood bar) and luckily he was up for it:

And not just up for it, but he took the initiative and snagged tickets right away. It’s a sad state of affairs when that simple act, signing up for tickets instead of expecting me to, completely caught me off guard.

What happened on the date? I called my mom while stuck in cross-town traffic on the way to the date and made the mistake of telling her I was heading to meet a guy. After a bit of interrogation, I told her his name is Keya and she told me “that’s not a name,” and that was that.

Keya and I met by the double-decker bus and awkwardly exchanged hello hugs. We climbed up to the top and squished into a pair of seats. The tour was fantastic, but it was tough to have a conversation and connect while also trying to pay attention. In the extremely close quarters, I was very aware of our shared personal space and very aware that he smelled like a senior citizen. And that was all I could think about for the whole bus ride.

When we got off the bus, there was a photo op with a neon sign. A women asked Keya to take her picture, and then asked if we wanted a picture together. I immediately said “no thanks,” and the awkwardness was palpable. But it would have been infinitely more awkward to have a memory of a pretty unmemorable date.

What happened after the date/What’s next? Keya reached out the next day:

And for some reason, and I still can’t figure out why, I actually agreed to a second date. It took me over 24 hours to respond but when I finally felt guilty enough to say something, I wasn’t honest like I should have been. When it came time to actually plan the date, I let the conversation fizzle out in that shitty way that people do. Because I talk big talk, but when it comes down to it I can be just as much of a dick as the rest of the single population.

Takeaway: SERIOUSLY if you don’t feel excited going into a date, it probably won’t get more exciting from there.

[cantstopswiping]

An Ode to the Patagonia Jacket

There’s something about a man in a Patagonia jacket. I just can’t resist. 

I’m not exceedingly outdoorsy, and realistically need a port-a-potty situation if I’m going to go camping, but the second a man puts on a Patagonia jacket, I’m a goner. 

The potential for adventure beckons to me when a man dons that logo. 

I just want a man to make the plans, bring me along for the adventure, and wear a cozy jacket.

And here’s a bonus cutie in a Patagonia hat:

[cantstopswiping]

[Hinge] Date #23: Ben

Who: Ben, 25

What made me swipe right? his genuine smile and a shared desire to take the train up the West Coast (see below)

Who started the conversation? me! My typical approach on Hinge is to sit back and wait for the boys to do the liking and commenting. But I was feeling particularly confident/bored one day, so I went on a liking/commenting spree and liked Ben’s bucket list, specifically “taking the train all the way to Washington.”

[note: I have “Bust a Move” listed as my go-to karaoke song, that reference didn’t come out of nowhere]

Conversion time: one month from the first message (me) to the official date request (him). The conversation in between was very sporadic, and honestly pretty boring, but his way of asking me out was adorably shy and apprehensive. So I took the bait:

What happened before the date? After going on a pretty awesome date with Sam on Monday, I had this date with Ben lined up for Wednesday. I was tempted to cancel after the date with Sam, but the plans Ben set up (happy hour before an invite-only intimate concert with an artist I really like) seemed too good to pass up. So yes, I’m a terrible person who didn’t really have an interest in the guy, only an interest in the date.

What happened on the date? One of my go-to tactics to manage expectations and keep myself from falling head over heels after a great first date is to immediately go on another first date with a different person. Usually this completely backfires (see: Jordan and Joey) and the very mediocre distraction date only serves as proof that the initial date was actually special. This was no exception.

There was a moment I floated out of my own body and heard what I was saying from the perspective of a nosy person sitting next to us at the bar - and hated everything I heard. I find that when I’m around people I don’t vibe with, the conversation veers away from what I want it to be (funny, intelligent banter) to mundane and annoying. That’s not to say Ben was awful on our date, he is a really sweet, decent guy. But our interests and values just don’t match up and as a result, the conversation took a lot of effort and didn’t yield much enjoyment. I found myself agreeing with him on points I don’t actually agree with, just for the sake of keeping the conversation on course. If I can’t respect myself in a situation, I will not (should not) put myself in the same situation again.

What happened after the date/What’s next? The gentleman that he is, Ben walked me to my car and we hugged before parting ways. He said we should hang out again, and I timidly agreed (because I don’t have the courage to turn such a sweet guy down in public). I think he caught onto my hesitation, or didn’t actually want to see me again, and I haven’t heard from him since.

Takeaways: distraction dates usually end up magnifying whatever I was trying to distract myself from. Proceed with caution.

[cantstopswiping]

[Hinge] Date #22: Sam

Who: Sam, 25

What made me swipe right:

He actually left a comment (what a world we live in - see my previous rant)

What I would describe as an approachable sense of humor based on photos and the questions he answered

Height (6’1”), because duh.

Who started the conversation: He did, by liking one of my photos. But he didn’t just stop at a like, he actually LEFT A COMMENT (!!) rather than putting the onus of starting the conversation on me:

It was one of those moments where I had too much material to work with, so I happily responded to his initial comment, and then used his go-to karaoke song, “Hot in Herre,” to keep it going:

He called me pretty and then used big words to explain he’s a feminist - sign me the fuck up.

Conversion time: Two days from the first message (him) to the official date request (me). Our conversation through the app flowed easily and then he slyly suggested I show him around town. I turned that into a tangible plan for drinks:

After we firmed up plans for the date, we both said a version of “see you soon” and left it at that. Which is EXACTLY what I want leading up to a first date. There’s no need to continue checking in before the big meet, because most of that conversation can - and should - be covered in person. Getting to know someone face-to-face is a lot more valuable than through text messages.

What happened before the date? Unlike most of my recent dates, I was actually pretty excited about meeting Sam. We clearly had good banter (something that has been lacking in my recent dates and conversations) and I was excited and nervous to see if it played out in person. There’s this phenomenon, I call it “unintentional catfishing,” where a person has a flourishing online personality that doesn’t translate to their public persona. I’ve been on a handful of dates where this has happened (and I’m sure most of you have too), and it’s just another way that dating apps have thrown a wrench in modern dating.

Sam and I have a handful of mutual Facebook friends, so I texted a good friend of mine from college just to confirm that Sam wouldn’t kill me. Turns out they’re vaguely related and she assured me “he’s SUCH a good dude. Smart, funny, kind, super thoughtful. He’s awesome.” So it was confirmed, I had a good feeling about him for a reason.

Another good sign: he texted to confirm before the date. Which could just indicate that he doesn’t want to waste his time on a no-show, but I took it to mean that he was maybe just as excited about the date as I was. Because that’s the optimistic, romcom-skewed person I am.

What happened on the date? I always get nervous before first dates, mostly because I’m worried about that tragic lull in conversation that gets more and more awkward as the seconds tick by. I was a little more nervous than usual before my date with Sam, and I know this because I tried on every shirt in my closet before choosing the same shirt I started with. And remember that time my friends told me not to wear Birkenstocks on a first date? Clearly that didn’t end with a proposal, so I decided to defy their wishes and wear my footwear of choice this time around.

Even with my nerve-induced wardrobe panic attack, I got there a little early and snagged a seat at the bar. I got up for a hug when he arrived, got over those conversation starting jitters, and then the conversation started flowing. The fun banter we exchanged through the app continued right into the date and we talked about everything from his favorite taco spot down the street from my office to why I love my apartment but hate my landlord. He played the proud uncle and showed me adorable pictures of his siblings’ kids, and I avoided showing him any pictures on my phone because it’s mostly screenshots of dating app conversations…

We split the check and walked back to his car. He offered to drive me home and when we got to my street, I invited him up (even though I didn’t shave my legs and purposely left a mess in my room to deter me from entertaining a gentleman caller). All you need to know is he told me I look like Scarlett Johansson and I don’t even care that it was probably a line because it was magnificent and he’ll forever be my favorite.

What happened after the date/What’s next? We all know I have a tendency to get invested in burgeoning relationships way too fast, and I’ve been burned. Badly. I was trying desperately to manage my own expectations so I don’t end up getting hurt, but then Sam texted me the day after our date and my heart went aflutter.

So it’s official, I’m in too deep.

Takeaway: I’ve said this before, but I really need to remind myself more than anyone - listen to your instincts. If you’re not excited about the date, your instincts are probably right. While I’d like to think those romantic comedy moments where love comes when you least expect it can actually happen, those are anomalies. 99% of the time, mediocre app/text conversations lead to mediocre dates.

[cantstopswiping]

A Stand-Up Guy and an Unnecessary Rejection

Here’s the deal. In March (that was 4 months ago at the time of this writing), I innocently attended “Co-Ed Wine Club” at Brittany’s apartment. The inaugural Co-ed Wine Club involved many bottles of wine (“from Trader Joe’s finest mid-to-low price range collection”), many chunks of cheese, and an angel of a human who baked fresh soda bread after four hours of debauchery.

While inhaling half a loaf of the fresh-baked bread, I drunkenly struck up a conversation with Stephen - a friend of Brittany’s roommate. I was sitting on the couch with Stephen and a mostly asleep Sara when she turned to him and said “So, Stephen. Are you going to ask AJ out?”

And he did.

We hooked up that night. And then a month later. And then a couple weeks later. And continued to hook up sporadically until last night.

Stephen is an outrageously kind, slightly-awkward grad student who lives on the complete opposite side of town. The very casual relationship was never anything more than that to me, and it was starting to make less sense as we both got busier. We hadn’t talked in a couple weeks, and I planned to let whatever we were doing fizzle out on its own. If neither of us showed interest, neither of us had to actually end it. Because it’s only ghosting if one party expresses interest.

But then I got a text from Stephen:

This was strange for a couple reasons:

We RARELY saw each other before 9pm

And we NEVER saw each other when a hookup wasn’t imminent

There was an astonishingly awkward hug when we got to the bar. He clearly had something to say, but instead kept asking me questions about my plans for the weekend or how work was going. I thought to myself “fuck, this is it. He has an STD. Never thought it would be this exceedingly nice ginger kid. Why doesn’t he just come out and say it?!”

We were walking to my car when he finally broke the tension.

“I think we should just be friends.”

I almost laughed in his face.

“Wow, that’s so sweet and adorable that you actually said that to my face. Yeah, that’s cool,” I responded instead.

“It’s just that I’m super busy. And things are kind of happening with an ex.”

(me screaming internally: “all of this is unnecessary! Stop talking! I’m not upset! This is a good idea! I don’t care about your ex!”)

“Totally cool, let’s be friends,” I said instead.

“It’s just that you’re really awesome,” he continued. “You don’t need me to tell you that. And this is all very presumptuous, because I don’t know what you want. Let’s still go to happy hour sometimes?”

“Yeah, let’s do it,” I said, praying that this interaction was over.

And then I got into my car and sped the hell outta there.

Here’s the deal: I was 100% in favor of letting whatever Stephen and I had stall and melt away into nothing. But instead, I got a very unnecessary rejection that hurts simply because it’s a rejection. Yet another undeniable example of a man who doesn’t want to date me.

So thanks, Stephen. For being a stand up guy and trying to do the right thing. It’s not your fault you pissed me off instead.

Ps. Stephen, if you ever read this - I dedicate this, my first real crack at dialogue, to you and your screenplay

[cantstopswiping]

I promise screenshots and snark

[cantstopswiping]

[Hinge] Date #21: Dan

Who: Dan, 31

What made me swipe right: The picture of him dressed as a “wavy arm inflatable tube guy” (see this gif) and NOT a lobster:

Who started the conversation: He did. Kind of.

On the new(ish) version of Hinge, he liked one of my photos (see convo below).

NOW HERE’S A RANT: liking someone’s photo or question without comment is a huge cop out. It’s the equivalent to staring intently at another human in real life and not making a move to introduce yourself. It’s the expectation that you can put in minimal effort and I will take on the burden of initiating a conversation.

So anyway, I begrudgingly started a conversation from there because I had to know more about his experience as a wavy arm inflatable tube guy:

After going back and forth a bit about halloween costumes and advice about being a wavy arm inflatable tube guy, he seamlessly transitioned the conversation into the date request.

Conversion time: 9 days from the initial connection (him) to the official date request (also him):

 Clearly I accepted, and then either the app glitched a bit, or Dan was OUTRAGEOUSLY excited to meet me in person:

I bailed on our tentative plans for the following week and we tried, unsuccessfully, to reschedule for that weekend. He checked in on Sunday to see how my weekend went and when I reciprocated the question, this happened:

And then silence. I thought I scared him off with my very blatant dismissal of the concept of competition. But fear not friends, Dan pulled himself back into the fold two weeks later to reschedule that drink:

What happened before the date? You know I have a date when I look semi-presentable at work. I wore one of my go-to first date outfits: professional but low cut white top with a black pattern and form-fitting black jeans. I wore birkenstocks to work but after consulting my Wine Wednesday posse, I was convinced that they are not proper date attire: 

I still maintain that my birks are the cute kind, and that I need to find a man who doesn’t give a fuck, but I put on my favorite black platform sandals and walked over.

What happened on the date? He texted me a couple hours before the date to ask if we could push it back a bit. I had constructed a response but forgot to press send and he CALLED ME like a GODDAMN ADULT to check in. 

After my unnecessary trek down to Long Beach on the last date (see: Michael), I made sure this date was in my neighborhood. I got to my go-to first date bar a little early and ordered a water. I can’t emphasize this enough: find you a bar where everybody knows your name - it makes dates SO much better. Your date is impressed the staff knows you, the bartenders look out for you, it’s the safest option, you know the food is good, the list goes on.

So anyway, Dan arrives and I stand up to greet him (because I learned my lesson) and can confirm that he is 6’4”, as he claims to be. I didn’t feel that immediate spark, but the conversation flowed pretty well. We talked about our shared love of disco (!!), the multitude of weddings happening in our lives, why I don’t care about competitive sports, and why he should stop saying he’s from Chicago when he grew up 30 miles from the city. We also talked at length about LA and our separate (but similar) passions for the area and our neighborhoods. I’m trying to get more involved in my local community council, and he’s gotten very involved in the city politics of his area. I haven’t met anyone else my age (or a little older, as the case may be) who cares enough to put down roots in the community and make a difference locally. While I’m still trying to find my voice and path in that respect, he has already established a foundation for himself. It was awesome and refreshing to experience that and honestly, made him that much more attractive as a date.

We’re both tall people, and sitting next to each other at the bar meant that there wasn’t a lot of personal space between us. Our legs were touching most of the night, and he would touch my arm or leg to emphasize a point, which I really enjoyed.

When it came time to leave, he insisted on paying the bill (!!) and offered to drive me home (since I walked). He overtly put the car in park in front of my building and leaned over for what I naively thought was a hug but was the semi-awkward (mostly my fault) beginning to a semi-solid makeout sesh.

What happened after the date/What’s next? Well, in an all too familiar turn of events, Dan left town for a month the day after our first date. We exchanged a few Spotify playlists immediately after the date, but there’s no follow up planned.

I don’t know if a second date is in the cards for us, but I would be down to see where the journey takes us. I’ll leave it in his hands to reach out while he’s away or once he gets back and then go from there.

Takeaway: Maybe all I need is a grown up.

[cantstopswiping]

Thanks for reading ;)

[cantstopswiping]

Guest Date: Katie & Nikhil

This is Katie*, 24:

*By request, Katie’s name has been changed from one generic white girl name (her own words) to another

Katie & I met in college in Los Angeles and bonded over our Maryland roots. She caught the travel bug after studying abroad her junior year and moved to Singapore after graduating from college. She recently moved back to the Washington, D.C. area and has jumped right into the local dating/swiping scene. Here’s a recap, in her own words, of Katie’s most notable date so far:

Who: Nikhil, 27

[editor’s note: Katie has a type and it’s tall Indian men. Nikhil fits right in]

Who started the conversation: He did. 

I received a job offer, moved into a place with friends in DC, and started the long wait for my background check to clear, the whole time being told "any day now!" To most, this sounds like "funemployment," but when you can't leave town and all of your friends are working the 9-5, not so much. I turned to the next best option: looking for daytime adventure buddies on tinder. I received lots of messages from boys about what great adventure buddies they would make. Nikhil was one of these:

Conversion time: Three days from the first message (him) to the official date request (also him).

What happened before the date? He messaged in the early afternoon with a time and a place to meet - a neat bar in our neighborhood. 

What happened on the date? Nikhil arrived before I did, and already had half a beer. I ordered a drink, and we immediately hit it off. We chatted, and laughed, and ordered another round. Despite how much fun we were having (or I thought we were having), I could tell he was nervous because he kept saying things like "so what should we talk about next?" He also expressed his relief that I not only looked like my tinder pics, but was, in fact, better looking in person. I had to run to another commitment, so he paid for our drinks and walked me home. He kissed my head and told me he had a good feeling about us. 

[editor’s note: does anyone else feel like the forehead kiss is demeaning and condescending? Cheek kiss > forehead kiss any day.]

What happened after the date? He asked me for dinner just a few nights later. I already had plans to go to trivia with friends, so I invited him along. At trivia, everyone knows using phones is frowned upon. That did not stop Nikhil, who never took his eyes off his phone, except for the moment he told me to bring him back another drink from the bar. He contributed one answer the entire night. At the end of the night, I went to the bathroom and came back, but Nikhil was nowhere in sight. My friends and I walked out of the bar as he hopped in an uber and drove off.

[editor’s note: Katie neglected to mention that Nikhil then expressed interest in a third date. Because he clearly lives in an alternate universe where cheating is encouraged at trivia and leaving without saying goodbye is the best way to end a date]

Takeaways: Dating is fun in every city.

[editor’s note: my takeaway - first impressions can be deceiving. Even self-involved assholes can put on a nice guy face]

[cantstopswiping]

[Hinge] Date #20: Michael

Who: Michael, 25

Who started the conversation: He did.

On the new(ish) version of Hinge, profiles are made up of photos and answers to prompted questions. When a guy looks at my profile, he can "like” a specific photo/answer with the option to leave a comment on the specific photo/answer.

Here are the answers to my questions:

What makes me happy: funk + cheese + ‘90s tv

My anthem: September - Earth, Wind & Fire

A life goal of mine: Adopt Mel Brooks + Carl Reiner as grandfathers

Surprisingly, my comment about everybody’s favorite jewish couple, Mel Brooks + Carl Reiner, is my most popular. And it spurred my conversation with Michael: 

He then recounted, in beautifully written details, the time he used the same bathroom as Mel Brooks. A dream come true.

But, alas, *Spoiler Alert* the date didn’t go spectacularly, and there were numerous red flags that I should have seen. First, the pretentious way he worded this answer:

Second, he used the phrase “low key” three times in our short conversation through the Hinge app (i.e. “Low key I’ve always wanted Bill Murray as my grandfather”). And third, he made me trek all the way down to Long Beach for the date. My radius is set at 5 miles, but somehow I matched with Michael who lives 25 miles away in Long Beach (I’m guessing he was visiting LA when we matched, because I hadn’t been to Long Beach in a while).

Conversion time: Five days from the first message (him) to the official date request (also him):

What happened before the date? I keep saying that I was conned into driving down to Long Beach, but I willingly agreed under the promise of life-changing tacos. After confirming with my friend/former roomie who is from Long Beach that the tacos are, in fact, amazing, I reluctantly agreed to the ridiculously long date commute.

What happened on the date? I got to Long Beach just in time and drove to the restaurant. I circled around the neighborhood looking for parking for a bit and coincidentally parked down the street from Michael’s apartment. I waited for him at my car and we walked to the taco spot together. 

There was definitely no spark, and the more I learned the less interested I became. Although we’re the same age, he took a few years off in his early 20s and is still finishing his undergrad degree. While on the surface that’s not a dealbreaker, he spoke with that naive millennial overconfidence only students have because they haven’t experienced the real world yet.

Regardless, I had to get my money’s worth out of that drive and after we finished our tacos, we found a bar down the street and got a couple drinks. 

[Edit: thanks to my friend Meghan, I realize that I never mentioned if the tacos were any good. They were great, BUT I didn’t have to drive a million miles to Long Beach to find great tacos. I live in LOS ANGELES for goodness’ sake]

The bar had a digital jukebox and the other patrons were choosing complete trash. Michael, with his obnoxious conviction, insisted on putting down money for five songs to elevate his experience. After one beer, I made up some lame excuse to end the date, we left before the songs played, and Michael definitely wasn’t thrilled.

He walked me back to my car, we hugged, and I drove the heck outta there.

What happened after the date/What’s next? I went into this date with the wrong mindset. I kept thinking “I drove all the way to fucking Long Beach, this date must be spectacular.” And unsurprisingly it wasn’t. With all that pressure, how could it? 

After the date, Michael texted me about a second date. As my rules dictate, I did not ghost him but sent him a carefully worded text kindly declining the offer: 

Oy, that disappointment breaks my heart.

Takeaway: Try to stick to the five mile bubble, but at the very least NEVER LEAVE LOS ANGELES FOR A DATE

[cantstopswiping]

I Love Cheese More Than You

No love will ever be as pure and enduring as my love affair with cheese. It began as a child, when I fell for the perfect rubbery square of American cheese and refused to go a day without a slice. To this day I don’t discriminate - I’ll enjoy melted American on my burger and throw down big bucks for something spectacular to enjoy on crackers. In a casserole, on a sandwich, melted with macaroni, chunked off a block, no meal is complete without a nice helping of cheese.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again - if I could only eat one food for the rest of my life, it would be cheese.

So, I think it’s only fair to warn any potential suitors of my one true love:

I mean that literally (over macaroni, over crackers, over pizza) and figuratively (I will put cheese before anything). 

And they’ve replied in a variety of ways. From wrongfully adapting my passion:

Listen, melted cheese is great but there’s a time and a place for it. And there’s a time and a place for cheese and crackers. And there’s a time and a place to skip the crackers and head straight for the block.

To testing the waters of compatibility:

Pass. Is life without cheese even worth living?!  

To asking about my expertise:

At the end of the day, sometimes my love of cheese can be a little intimidating. But if you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends. And cheese is my very best.