in flux

xxv : in my head too much : not from here

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navigation : masterlist

xxv : she/they

writing for no one specifically. - currently inactive

masterlist below.

✨ = top post

minors, please don't interact with the suggestive/18+ works, neither with mine nor anyone else's, thank you. (read fluff, cuddle your plushies and focus on school, i mean it.)

masterlist

🌸 hours (fluff)

00:00

02:17

09:04 09:56

11:53

15:12 15:26

16:49

17:33

18:49

19:38 ✨

21:03 21:47

🌙 hours (suggestive, 18+) - mdni

16:37

23:51

⭐️ hours (angst-y)

01:23

03:24

20:44

21:17

22:43

🎉 hours (humour)

11:53

15:12

💎 hours (mafia au)

in the works

🎲 hours (miscellaneous)

.🌸. .🌸. .🌸. .🌸. .🌸. .🌸.

.⭐️.

~

thanks for reading x

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too blessed to be depressed, right?

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.🌸. acts of love.

he's not always good at saying it, but he's got his ways to show how much he loves and cares about you.

like the stack of your favourite snack hidden in the back corner of your pantry because he knows you love it so much.

or the way he always keeps you close, your hand in his, while you make your way through a crowd.

the daily lunch box in the fridge, to make sure you have a meal on busy days.

his open arms the second he senses you're not feeling well, ready to listen or just be there for support, holding you close.

the random little gifts he brings home, simply because they reminded him of you and he knows they'll make you happy.

the blanket you find draped over your body when you wake up after having fallen asleep on the couch again.

the way he accepts you fully, wholly for who you are, and he wouldn't ever want to love anyone else but you.

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18:49 - 🌸

a shy smile tugs at his lips as he watches you open the little box in your lap, both seated in front of your couch.

placing the lid on the ground, you stare at the keychain in the middle of the box. your favourite animal, crocheted, sits in the midst of crumpled tissues.

you slowly lift it out, lips pursed. "this is adorable," you whisper as you admire it, turning it in your hands.

your lover's smile grows wider as he watches you. "i thought you might like it," he says and you look at him.

"i love it," you mumble, the faintest smile tugging at your lips. you lean over, placing a tender kiss on his cheek and he blushes, the softes shade of pink.

moments like this remind you why you had fallen in love with him in the first place. because of his thoughtfulness, amongst many other reasons. the way he always seems to be thinking of you, and the things he knows you like. he never fails to make you happy, whether it be with a small gift, meaningful words or a loving action. and you wouldn't want to trade him for anything in the world.

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.⭐️. the look of regret.

he hates it. he hates you. he hates him. the way he holds your hand. the way you smile at him. the way you've moved on so fast. he hates everything about it. but mostly, he hates himself. for having given you up, despite the love he felt for you. still does. but now it's too late. and there's nothing he can do, but to accept this reality, no matter how much it pains him. because after all, this is his fault, and his fault alone. for letting you go, even though you had tried so hard to hold on, and everything in him had screamed to do so, too.

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.🌸. aquarium dates.

the soft glow of the aquariums around you casts a blueish hue on your features, a smile on your lips. in that moment he swears he feels himself fall for you all over again. yet an undescribable ache tugs at his heartstrings, a fear that he might lose all this eventually. that he might lose you. his hand reaches out for yours, taking it in his. your palm is warm, and he pulls you closer, your arms finding their way around his middle almost instantly. he presses a kiss to your forehead, and you feel like you might melt. you wish you could bottle this moment up to relive it whenever you want. moments like this remind you why life is, in fact, beautiful.

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.🌸. secret love.

you don’t know he likes you. he tries his best to keep it secret, but at times he’s so painfully obvious about liking you. you, however, are oblivious to his affection. to you, his actions are a very normal thing. you don’t even question it, that’s how used you are to his behaviour towards you. the way he always brings your favourite drink when he picks you up from the library for a break. or that he offers you his jacket whenever you feel cold. or that he keeps a stack of your favourite snack at his place for when you come over. it’s all so him to you, you don’t realise he’s head over heels. lucky, or unlucky for him, depending on how you look at it. for him, you being blind to his feelings eliminates the risk of him possibly losing you to the dreadful situation of talking unrequited love. and if he’s honest, he’d rather keep you by his side by loving you silently, then scaring you away with a confession. he's content living that way, knowing you don't have to carry the burden of his affection. because after all, as light being in love can feel, holding love can be just as heavy. and that goes for both the lover and the loved.

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.🌸. celebrity crushes.

he doesn’t really get your crush on your favourite actor. but he will still sit through every single movie with him in it, just so you’re happy. even if that means hearing you gush over said actor. but he doesn’t mind. because at the end of the day, you always ensure him that he’s the one and only for you, no matter how good looking that guy on the TV screen is. he’s the one who gets to have you by his side. no one else. so, he doesn’t mind that little crush of yours. and let’s be honest, who doesn’t have a little celebrity crush of their own?

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16:37 – 🌙

(mdni)

the cycle is a funny thing. you could feel completely fine one day, going about your day normally, spending time with your boyfriend as you usually do, nothing grand, and the next day just the sight of him makes you go feral. that day is today. again. you woke up feeling restless, but you couldn’t quite put a finger on it then. thinking nothing of it, you went about your day as usual, finishing some of your work at home, waiting for your boyfriend to come back. he was able to leave work earlier today and the thought of that made you giddy in anticipation. you don’t always get to have him to yourself for an extended period of time, so you wanted to make the most of it once he got home by watching your favourite movies, cuddling and simply catching up.

except now your lover is home, movie running in the background, and you can’t keep your eyes off him for the life of you. he hasn’t noticed your staring yet, mindlessly massaging your knee, your legs draped over his lap. the feeling of his fingers on your bare skin, your shorts ending just above your knees, has you on fire, and that’s what makes you fully realise where exactly you are at in your cycle. that second dreaded time of the month. it doesn’t help that your boyfriend, dressed in a simple white shirt and black sweatpants, is looking like a whole snack today, his dark hair lightly styled back and his arms flexing ever so slightly. the moment he stepped foot into your home, you were (mentally) drooling all over him, though you have tried your best to hide the effect he has on you.

“have i got something on my face?” his question snaps you out of your daze, warmth creeping into your cheeks. “no,” you answer, a little too fast to not sound suspicious, and turn to look at the TV instead, yet still focussed on his hands on your leg. “are you sure?”

he stops massaging your leg as he leans closer towards you. “why are you blushing?”

the heat in your face becomes worse and you slap your hands on your cheeks to hide away from his puzzled look. his hands leave their previous position to gently pull yours away from your face. his firm grip around your wrists makes you dizzy with an unexplainable desire, surprising even yourself. you’re sure he must feel the racing pulse in your wrists by now. you stare at where he’s holding you, the heat spreading to your ears, then making its way down your body. it doesn’t help that you could smell his cologne at this proximity, making you feel woozy.

“don’t do that,” you squeak, trying to wriggle out of his hold. “why, what’s wrong?”

he looks at you concerned, reluctantly letting go off your arms. you breathe in deeply, avoiding his gaze. “nothing,” you lie, fiddling with your shirt. you feel silly for not telling him outright what got you in this mood. “doesn’t look like nothing to me though,” he muses. “something’s bothering you.”

your boyfriend places his hands back on your legs, an action you don’t expect, and you visibly shudder under his touch. this obviously earns you your partner’s attention yet again, though this time he doesn’t move. he keeps his dark eyes fixed on you, and you swear you can hear him thinking. you can feel the sweat run down your sides as you stare straight at the TV, feeling incredibly hot by now. when you feel his hands move up, inching closer to the hem of your shorts, you swallow dryly. trying to ignore the feeling of his fingers now on your thighs, you can’t help but wriggle slightly under his touch. you attempt to pull your legs away from him, but he’s quick to wrap his arms around your torso, pulling you closer to him. your body tenses at that and you suck in a breath.

“i think i know what’s wrong.”

his voice, unlike just a minute ago, much deeper, and the huskiness of it makes you shudder all over. you try to writhe your way out of his hold. unfortunately for you, going braless around this time of the month has one downside, and the friction of your shirt rubbing against your chest with each movement is making you even antsier.

you lightly push against your boyfriend's frame to create some distance, though he doesn’t let you go fully. “baby,” he mumbles, looking at you intently. “what?” you ask, sounding more breathless than intended. “i didn’t think much of it earlier when you were looking at me as if you’d pounce me any second, but i’m starting to wonder…”

you freeze. so he had noticed. you curse yourself internally for not having been more subtle. his eyes search yours, a frown adorning his features. “could it be that my love is a little needy today?”

you stare at him like a deer in the headlights. your silence is answer enough for your partner to know, and his lips curve into a grin. “i should have known,” he continues, his thumb softly drawing circles against your sides.

“i might just have to bite you if you keep doing that,” you mutter, the feeling of his touch driving you close to losing your composure. he chuckles at that, leaning closer to you, halting only inches away from your face. “bite me, then.”

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22:43 - ⭐️

a petal. another petal. one by one, they fall to the ground, the colourful pile of blossoms growing with each flower you pluck apart. i love him. i love him not.

your tears silently make their way down your face, collecting at your chin before they fall into your lap, seeping into the fabric of your pants.

by the time you are done, the tears have dried on your cheeks. what once has been a bouquet, has turned into a heap of bare stems and wilting petals. shards, remnants of a vase, scattered dangerously close around your feet. you hug your legs where you were sitting on the floor, resting your head on your knees.

glossy eyes stare ahead, and you wish you could feel something, anything. mind numb, as if you weren't here, you grit your teeth. you grip your hair, tugging at the roots. the pain doesn't come through, and you want to scream, cry some more, but you have left yourself dry and empty. this isn't how it was supposed to go. you were supposed to be happy. happy. but you feel anything but. worse. you feel nothing. yet again. and you slowly begin to wonder, if this is just how it's going to be, forever. if this cycle is going to repeat itself, over and over again. that you feel anything but that. happy. and that he'll suffer because of it, too.

it's not his fault. it really isn't. but you start to feel hopeless, sensing that you may have to let him go, to spare him further hurt. because of you. because of your mind. because of your pain.

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.🌸. the look of love.

his gaze softens whenever he sees you smiling, eyes bright, crinkled, beaming at the world as if there was nothing wrong with it. the way you throw your head back when you laugh, or teasingly scrunch your nose at him whenever you steal one of his fries and he pretends to be upset about it.

his gaze softens whenever you look at him like he's your everything, standing right by his side, ready to weather whatever burdens him together. your kisses that make all the pain melt away, tearing down the walls he's built.

his gaze softens because it's you he's looking at. not someone else. you. and you are all that matters. you are all he needs.

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02:17 - 🌸

strong arms circle around your waist and pull you in, making you tense up at the sudden touch. "what's wrong, love?" he mumbles against your shoulder, placing a soft kiss against the warm skin. he had noticed your tossing and turning, and you feel bad for having woken him up.

"it's nothing," you whisper back, turning around to snuggle against him.

you've been stressed lately, that much he knows. or rather, he has noticed. you've been eating less again, picking at your food for the past meals, pacing around the apartment whenever you thought he wouldn't see. but he did.

his hold on you tightens and he rests his chin on top of your head, gently rubbing your back. "i know it's not nothing, baby."

the corners of your mouth drop, and you press your nose against his neck, faintly smelling the scent of his bodywash. a scent that smells like home.

you don't answer him, closing your eyes. you don't want to burden him, especially not at this hour.

he keeps silent, too, only holds you, knowing that pressing you into telling him will only make it worse.

"just know i'm right here," he says after a while, giving you a squeeze before pressing a kiss to the crown of your head.

you are grateful to him for not pushing you, knowing that you'll open up at your own time.

placing a kiss on your lover's collarbone, you hum before snuggling closer against him, his warmth finally making you find sleep.

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21:47 - 🌸

your lover's head lays against your chest, the gentle beat of your heart lulling him to sleep. your fingers weave their way through the dark strands of his hair, massaging his scalp lightly. moments like this have been rare lately, so you cherish the time you're spending together even more. his breath is gradually slowing down, slowly falling into a steady rhythm.

you glance at his face, features soft. a small smile makes its way onto your lips, but your eyes hold worry, heart feeling heavy with sadness. he's been working so hard recently, barely having time to come home or rest much. it breaks your heart watching him live that way. so on nights like this, you hold him close, as close as you can, hoping it eases his stress away just a little bit, hoping it provides him some sort of comfort.

you place a tender kiss on his forehead, your lips gently pressed against his skin as you whisper a soft "sleep well, my love."

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15:12 - 🌸, 🎉

your boyfriend scooting closer to you on the couch immediately makes you suspicious. you lean away a bit, eyeing him cautiously. "what is it?", you ask, lowering your book into your lap. his eyes hold a sparkle, a grin apparent on his face. "do you know what your initials are?" you blink in confusion, nodding slowly . "yeah ... why?"

he huffs, inching closer, his body lightly touching yours. "i doubt you do," he says, wiggling his shoulders. you sigh, already sensing he's trying to lead you somewhere unexpected with this question. "fine," you give in, deciding to play along. "i don't know what my initials are, no." your lover's grin is getting bigger. "Q T." you blink, staring at his proud face. it takes you a second to fully grasp what he just said, and as soon as you do, you gently push him away in fake annoyance. "dumbass," you grumble, picking your book back up. "your dumbass," he corrects, swiftly kissing your cheek before jumping up, leaving you behind in the living room, humming. you shake your head, amused. "yeah," you mutter with a smile, turning to the next page. "luckily."

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21:03 - 🌸 his embrace feels warm, safe. like home. the tears have stopped a while ago, but thinking about it all again, thinking about how wonderful he is as a partner, too, makes new ones well up. it hurts. it's all too much, it feels like too heavy a burden to bear. but still he holds you, strong and steady, keeps you close against his body. the rhythm of his heartbeat is slow, calming, making you feel as if there is nothing to worry about at all. and maybe there isn't, as long as he's by your side.

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.🌸.

love with him feels easy. it feels like sunshine on an early spring morning. soft, warm. light. like a fresh start. new love, just beginning to grow into something bigger, better. happiness. joy. all the good things. no rush, only patience. compassion, understanding, respect. all that and so much more. it almost seems too good to be true, but it is. and you're the lucky one who gets to experience it, with him. all with him. your own little sunshine.

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03:24 - ⭐️

most of the time, he likes his job. but there are days when he hates it. today is one of those days. his backpack feels as if he was carrying bricks, even though it held the same contents as the days before. his feet are dragging over the floor until he reaches the door to your shared apartment.

it’s way too late. he squeezes his eyes shut before blinking, trying to fight off the exhaustion just for a little longer. he enters the pin to unlock the door, trying his best to be quiet as he steps inside. he puts his backpack down slowly, hanging up his coat and removing his shoes after. he tiptoes down the hall to avoid making any sounds. as he passes the living room, the flickering of the TV in the otherwise darkness catches his eye. he halts in confusion. you should be in bed already. moving closer to the couch, the sight of you curled up beneath the fluffy blanket breaks his heart. another reason why he hates his job at times. he never wanted you to wait up for him, yet you always try, despite the late hour. Sometimes you manage to stay awake, other times you don’t. today you didn’t.

your boyfriend sighs sadly, kneeling beside you. grabbing the remote he turns the TV off, the darkness engulfing the both of you. his eyes adjust after a while, and he can make out your sleeping frame. “i’m sorry i keep making you wait,” he whispers, gently running his fingers through your hair. this situation, one that has happened way too many times before, makes his heart churn. pressing his lips together, he stands up, lifting the blanket slightly. trying his best not to wake you, he lays down beside you, not caring about not being washed up. he's tired, and all he wants is to get some sleep with you by his side. luckily for him you are fast asleep, though, as if your body could feel your partner's presence, you subconsciously snuggle against his side as he carefully wraps his arms around you. a sad smile passes over his face and he presses a soft kiss to your forehead. “i’m sorry i can’t give you all that you deserve…”, he mumbles wearily, before he gives in to his fatigue, holding you close.