Thoughts & Images Swarming in My Head

[capricorn12-26]

Was driving into the city as a passenger looking out the window admiring the architecture of the buildings. Especially the old ones, wondering what they looked like when they were new, and the history of what took place there.

My goal for the summer is to go back and photography some of the old buildings…we’ll see.

[cinematv]

THE OFFICE (US) - ‘Here Comes Treble’, 9.05

[capricorn12-26]

🎃

[guooey]

[commradequestions]

That is the cutest goddamn thing I’ve ever seen

[red-berin]

[capricorn12-26]

🖤

[capricorn12-26]

Having a black cat is like have a mini black panther

[capricorn12-26]

It is an absolute gorgeous day out, but I am really struggling. It is taking all of my strength and energy not to crawl back in bed, not because I am tired even though I am, but because my depression is showing it’s ugly head. I can not share how I feel. I must keep a brave and smiling face. I tried to make conversation with my 14 year old but she is in a bad mood and doesn’t want any part of me. My 9 year old isn’t home yet, but was freaking out over homework this morning, so she is guaranteed to be in a fantastic mood. My husband when I try and tell him I’m having a bad day, doesn’t understand. “What do you have to be stressed about,” he asks (I am currently a stay at home mom). Then we get into a huge argument about how much he does and how much stress and pressure he is under, and my stress is made to be less significant. I then feel guilty for feeling this way. So in order to not go through that I will remain silent, and put on a happy face. I am so self conscious that my family and friends outside of my husband do not know of my diagnosis therefore I can not talk to an NYC them either. I’m feeling sad, alone and mentally exhausted.

[capricorn12-26]

Another fabulous tie. I think red is my color❤️

[capricorn12-26]

Excuse me sir, but that is my spot

[capricorn12-26]

Rub a dub dub...1/7/21 was National Bubble Bath Day...I may or may not have filled the tub too high

[capricorn12-26]

“Imagine all the people, living life in peace, ah-ha...you may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one...I hope someday you’ll join us, and the world will live as one” - John Lennon

Photo by: Capricorn12-26 August 2009

[capricorn12-26]

I have written and re-written what I’ve wanted to say about yesterday several times already, and nothing seems fitting.  I am sad and angry about what happened yesterday.  I am disgusted by the actions and the lack of action by Mr Trump.  I am terrified by the disrespect, violation, and destruction that took place at the Capital Building.  Domestic Terrorism is NOT okay!  I don’t care if you lost or not.  You act with grace and integrity, not like some delusional lunatic! 

I hope that what has happened has opened everyone's eyes to see that we must work together as a nation, as neighbors, as a team.  We are all here with the same goal; to make our lives and the lives of those around us better.  Don’t we want to work smarter, not harder?  To work towards a brighter future?  I know I do.  

(photo: taken by capricorn12-26 March 2018)

It takes more effort to fight one another than it does to sit down with an open mind and have an intelligent, educated conversation.  Lets treat each other with dignity and respect.  

[capricorn12-26]

[capricorn12-26]

Distinguished Gentleman

[capricorn12-26]

I’m starring at my tree thinking the lights are so pretty, but they bring me no comfort, no joy, no Christmas spirit. Why? What is wrong with me? Why am I actually sitting here thinking about what would happen to me if I go and sleep outside where it’s currently has a real feel of -7 degrees. Would that be considered “hurting myself”? Then I remember how much I hate the cold, so that’s out...I’ve tried to make this holiday season special despite what is going on around us while trying to be super mom and super spouse. I’ve been trying to run the house, deal with 100% remote learning, extra curricular activities and taking care of the majority of what needs to be done for the holidays. I was sick last week, thought I had COVID, everything came back negative thank goodness. But I muscled through being sick and kept doing what need to get done. Today either I forgot to do something or didn’t do it correctly, was told so and reminded of it several times. I became extremely depressed and defensive. This Christmas Eve sucks! I just wanted to enjoy it with my family and instead I spent hours crying because I am such a failure. I had a family picture by the tree planned...didn’t happen, the energy was sucked out of me and I just couldn’t do it. Didn’t feel like it myself (depressed and red puffy eyes don’t make great photography), I also didn’t feel like fighting everyone to get them to do it. How do other families do it? How do they have their shit together? How do they get everything perfect done each week so they don’t get yelled at? How do they get their kids to take pictures? All these adorable kids and families taking pictures together on FB and IG, like how do they do it? Why is everything a struggle? Like WTF is wrong with me?

[sensualeanimus]

[capricorn12-26]

As we get closer to the holiday stress, anxiety and depression hits harder then other times of the year, and is tough to keep at bay. Which is ironic since it’s supposed to be the “most wonderful time of the year.” Regardless, we second guess are selves, blame our selves when things go wrong, and feel guilty for things we shouldn’t. It’s more difficult to keep the “happy mask” on, and the “I’ve got my shit together” persona going. Even though it’s hard, and we don’t always get it from those around us, we must fight the negative thoughts and feelings, and we should not feel guilty for taking some time for ourselves to be healthy mentally and physically. I am no good to the people around me if I’m spiraling out to of control over things that are either not really my fault or over small things that have been blown way out of proportion. So, repeat after me....❤️I matter ❤️I am important ❤️ I am loved ❤️ my presence on Earth makes a difference ❤️ ...we’ve got this! Stay strong my friends!❤️

[capricorn12-26]

Feeling Grinchy 💚

[capricorn12-26]

Her favorite spot

[capricorn12-26]

“Believe”