A/n: I fr just wanted to hurt myself and it looked good enough to post.
There may not have been a lot of love in the Black Family but between the brothers, there was enough. Or at least you thought there was enough.
Sirius stared at the mural of the family tree, his black smudge staring back at him. “Is that where you’re supposed to be?”
Sirius, trying to hide his sadness, looked at his godson. “Yes, my mother did it after I ran away.”
“Are these your brothers?”
Harry pointed at the two boys who were not marked out. Harry knew vaguely of Regulus, hearing his name like a sour whisper at Hogwarts.
“Regulus was the youngest. Terrible things happened to him. I firmly believed he hated me but no one deserves to perish as he did.”
“And him?” Harry had no idea who Alitar Black was. There was nothing at Hogwarts about him, not even a whisper; it was almost as if he only existed in this house and in the heart of Sirius.
Even more sorrow filled Sirius as he looked at your portrait. “That is my oldest brother, Altair Nigellus Black. He… Well he was.. He is hard to describe.”
You got it bad but Sirius had it way worse. Going to Hogwarts was supposed to be the best thing to happen but it soon got soured. You knew that all of your family before you were placed into the ambitious house of Slytherin and you figured it would place you there as well.
“Altair Black.” when Professor McGonagall called your name, a sinking feeling came to you: you knew you wouldn’t get Slytherin.
You breathed in and out as you sat on the stool, the hat began to talk.
“Ah! A member of the house of Black, been a year or two since one of you came through. A tricky one too... greatness is in you”
You tried to keep calm, closing your eyes. It was sounding like Slytherin.
Your eyes flung open, thoughts racing a mile a minute as you slowly stood and walked to the Ravenclaw table. Your parents were going to kill you.
Your mother, Walburga, had been the one to give you the tongue lashing. You stood ground and simply let her yell at you, diminish you and curse you to the high heavens.
“Mother, I will not be made to be less than for something I had no control over.”
“How did I birth such… nastiness?” She asked no one in particular.
You decided it was time to leave the sitting room. As if you could sense that you looked up at the stairway to see two sets of scared eyes looking down. At that moment, you swore you would never let her get the satisfaction of hurting you.
Every sorting ceremony, that replayed in your head. Yet you had been settled in your proud place at the Ravenclaw table, only paying real attention when they called your brothers name. All the attention was on your brother, Sirius. He confidently walked to the stool and sat down eagerly. Not a drop of nerves in him, so typically Sirius.
Oh. Oh no. He was definitely going to die.
It was tense in the Black house to say the least. It came to a head when your father lost it. The verbal abuse Sirius received was humiliating and disheartening.
“At least his house has dignity! Innovation comes from his house and what comes from yours? Cocky bastards, that’s what.” Orion yelled at his second son, getting all up into the boys face that was covered in tears and shock.
You were sat atop the stairs, listening to your father yell at him, waiting for him to send Sirius to his room so you could go and talk it out with your father. It was hard to listen to. You wanted to storm and sock your father in the mouth but you stayed back, knowing too soon of an interference would disrupt the household even more.
Footsteps came up behind you and a small form came to sit next to you. Your younger brother, Regulus, whispered, “Does father hate Sirius?”
You looked at him, he looked scared. It was true that your parents weren’t the most loving but they had never lit into one of you as long as they had Sirius, not even your screaming match lasted this long. “No, I think he is just… very disappointed. He was expecting him to be sorted into Slytherin and he wasn’t.”
“Will they yell at me like that if I’m not sorted into Slytherin?”
You looked into his pitiful eyes, you pulled him close to you, resting your head on top of his as he grabbed the back of your shirt, “No, Regulus, I won’t let them yell at you like that.”
Regulus was more sensitive than you and Sirius. He often came to you in tears over something your parents said, he slept in your bed on nights where he was scared and always went to you for comfort and compassion.
Love had to come from somewhere in the Black house and it came from you. Being the oldest, you were the one to tend to Regulus. You were tender with Regulus, ‘babying’ him as Sirius said but someone had to. He might be your father and mother’s child but he was your baby.
The yelling had stopped and Sirius was walking up the steps. You both looked at him: it was obvious he had been crying and he looked as if he wanted nothing more than to go away.
You both stood up and he looked at you two, “I guess father and mother aren’t happy.” He tried to joke and hide the pain in his voice.
A silent rage filled up your heart as you stood up, “Sirius, Regulus, how about you both go to your rooms? I will be back up in a minute.”
They looked at each other as you headed down the stairs, knowing what was about to happen.
Harry noticed the deep sadness in his godfather’s eyes as he looked at the drawing of his brother.
“You and him were close?”
“Oh, I like to think we were. He was more of a parent than our actual ones. I wanted to be just like him.”
Harry looked at the drawing, “You looked similar.”
Sirius smiled, “Thank you, Harry. A lot of the girls thought he was the most beautiful creature on the planet. I was slightly jealous but he never entertained their affection or advances.”
Sirius shrugged, “I guess… he was busy taking care of us.”
You had woken up early to make sure everything was right. It was Regulus’s first year and your last, you had to make it perfect. You decided to triple check your trunk, making sure you were not missing anything, “Sirius! Where is my copy of The History Of Great British Witches?” You called.
No answer. You huffed as you stormed out your room, “I know you have it, you ass!” You stomped to his room and flung open the door.
“What the hell?” He groaned from his bed.
“Sirius! We leave in a hour! Why are you still in bed?” You screeched at him.
“Cause I packed in advance and no, I don’t have your stupid book, bitchface.”
“I have it.” A voice came from behind you. You sighed, it was Regulus.
“Regulus, you should not take stuff without permission. You know I wouldn’t have minded had you asked.” You said with a firm tone.
You turned back to Sirius, “Get up!”
“I am!” He yelled back, now sitting up.
You and Regulus walked away from his room, quickly walking back to your room to finish getting ready. Regulus sat on the end of your bed and watched as you carefully styled your hair.
He did this often. He enjoyed being around you and loved watching you do your hair. He said you looked like the boys on the covers of muggle fashion magazines.
It only took a few minutes but it felt like forever for Regulus and Sirius, the latter having joined out of boredom.
“I think it’s fine, let’s go.” Sirius said, rolling off your bed and trying to make it to the door. You rolled your eyes. Over the summer, Sirius had became exceptionally moody. You chalked it up to third year nerves: it was an important year as he had to now choose elective classes.
“Regulus? What do you think?”
“I think you look like a movie star.”
That was good enough for you. He then had a question, “Why do you dress up?”
Sirius cut you off, “He has a crush on someone.”
You glared at him, “No, I do not.”
You didn’t have a crush but a few girls had a crush on you, almost as many as your brother had crushing on him. But you were not at Hogwarts for dating, you were there for studies. To be truthful however, their compliments were accepted.
You stood up, “Do you both have everything ready?”
“Yes!” Regulus jumped up and ran to his room, hopefully to get his things, leaving you and Sirius in the room.
“Altair, what if… he doesn’t get in?”
You looked at him, it was one of your concerns as well. “I hope for his sake he is put in Slytherin. I don’t think he could take it.”
“It was awful.” Sirius noted, remembering the ferociousness of his father as he yelled at him.
“If he is, I think they will be happy with him. He will be treated better than us, I think we both know and hopefully we can come to terms with it.”
Sirius had a melancholic look about him, you moved to move part of his hair out of his face, “But we will have each other.”
It was true that you tended to Regulus more but you loved Sirius just as much as Regulus. Sirius was always an independent boy so you gave him what he needed: the comforting knowledge that he always had someone in his corner, no matter what he did.
The memory was branded into Sirius’s mind: How you yelled, came back with your own insults to a man who you knew you could not ever win against and even got physical with your father over how he yelled at Sirius.
He remembered how the bruises on your face were a testament to your love for your brothers.
“They’ll heal.” Was all you said when Sirius and Regulus saw you as you came back up to the stairs and were heading to the bathroom to wipe the dried blood of your lip and below your nose.
You were the strongest person Sirius knew.
“Come now, Sirius. We got things to do.” You said to him, walking to your trunk. As you walked, Sirius wondered if you knew how much he loved you.
He followed you out of your room and down the stairs. You let out a cough that instantly concerned both of your brothers.
“I am fine.” You reassured them.
You were not fine. You had only been getting worse over the year but you boiled it down to the N.E.W.Ts, which you had achieved what you wanted for your career as a professional dueler.
It shocked you when your parents approved of your career choice but then again, they noted your dueling skill in the dueling club they had signed you up for when you were thirteen. It was easy for you to quick disarm or down an opponent. It was the only time they seemed happy for you.
As a back up, you had achieved Outstanding in the necessary classes to become a healer. Sirius often joked about the duality of it. “Knock them silly then heal them up.”
Even though the positive thoughts of your parents and brother filled your mind, You began to feel uneasy in the middle of a potions lesson, you began to lightly sway. The world seemed to be duller and slower.
You lolled your head to your potions partner, “Yes?”
“Are you feeling alright? You seem very pale?”
You turned your attention back to Slughorn who was rambling til he locked eyes with you. “Black, are you ill?”
“No.” You said faintly. You didn’t notice the blood that began to trickle out of your nose due to the fact you promptly fell forward and knocked yourself out on the table.
Sirius and Regulus rushed to your bedside in the Hospital Wing, each taking an opposite side of your bed.
“He is sleeping.” Madam Pomfrey said.
“What happened?” Sirius asked as Regulus held your hand.
“He is very sick and weak. We have contacted your parents to come retrieve him.”
“Does that mean there’s nothing you can do?” A very panicked Regulus asked.
“No, it means that your parents will come get him and have him examined by your family healer.”
“What do you think is wrong with him?” Sirius asked, looking at you.
You were pale and waxy looking, slow and uneven breaths and such dark bags under your eyes. You looked like a corpse.
Madam Pomfrey looked at the two boys, deciding to give this gently, “I do not know but given the little information that Slughorn gave before your brother was rushed in here and considering how he was acting, I do not think it’s good.”
“Slughorn and a classmate had to drag him in here. He was thrashing about like a rabid dog, attempting to bite and was bleeding from the nose and eyes. He seems to have calmed down after a sedative.”
They looked at you, a twinge of fear in them. You loved Slughorn as a teacher and you attempted to harm him. What would you do when you woke up and saw them?
Sirius had welcomed the Order into his house but there was one rule: No one was allowed in the room across from his. Not even Harry.
Of course, when you tell teenagers not to be somewhere, they will try their hardest to be there.
“I don’t think this is a good idea.” Hermione tried to reason with the group that consisted of her, Ron, Harry, Ginny and the two who came up with the idea; Fred and George.
“Don’t you want to know what Sirius is hiding in here?” Ron asked her as Fred tried to open the door.
“Maybe it’s just storage? Maybe he doesn’t want us to stumble and hurt ourselves?” She quipped back.
The door creaked open and the entire group was confused. It was just a bedroom. A dusty old bedroom.
They quickly shuffled in, looking for what ever had to be so interesting or dangerous that Sirius felt the need to hide it.
It took Harry one look at the picture on the bedside table to realize whose room this was.
They all wheeled around to see a very disappointed Remus.
“Sirius told each of you to not come in this room. It is very disrespectful to not respect his one rule.”
“Whose room is this?” Ginny asked.
Harry cut Remus off before he could answer, “Sirius’s brothers room. Altair Black.”
Remus nodded, “It is. That is why-“
“Did you know Altair? Sirius is too.. devastated to talk about him?”
Remus sighed, “I did know Altair. Very well actually. He was a tutor and he taught me how to tutor people myself.”
Remus looked around the room, he had been allowed in it a few times but it was always uncanny how it seemed as if time itself stopped in this room.
“He was a very intelligent man. Fierce dueler too. When there was a dueling club at Hogwarts, he was the champion. He also had this air about him, like where ever he was, you felt safe.”
Remus looked at the picture of all of the Black Brothers on the wall, “He was protective of Sirius, obviously but he protected the rest of us too.”
“How come we never hear about him?” Hermione asked.
Remus looked at her, “He was-“
“What are you all doing in here?” A loud voice yelled.A very angry Sirius stood in the door way.
“Out! Out damnit! Get out!” He yelled as they all began to leave the room. With a great huff, Sirius walked into the bedroom and slammed the door behind him.
It hurt you deeply that you would not be attending Hogwarts anymore, especially since both of your brothers would be. You couldn’t be there to help them.
Even worse, you were put on bed rest. The healers knew what was wrong but they couldn’t do anything about it. Rotting Bones is what they called it. Diseased fragments of bone were all over your body, in your blood stream, lungs, heart and even your brain, which is what they speculated caused your outburst at Hogwarts.
Even though some of the fragments stuck together in clusters, some of which re-attached to your bones, You were ordered to stay in bed or only make very slow movements with aid as to not cause more shifting in the loose fragments.
The healers were worried that if they tried to dissolve the fragments, they would ruin the structure of your good bones.
You were severe pain constantly. It was an internal hurt that you could do nothing about. Most of your days were spent reading in bed, fiddling with your magic or writing to Sirius and Regulus; especially Sirius. He had ran away and your mother hadn’t the heart to deny a slowly dying man a small comfort.
A knock to you door caught your attention, you sat down your quill, “Come in, please.” You said.
To your surprise, it was your mother. Your mother only visited you in the morning, to make sure you were still alive and once more before she went to bed.
“Hello. How are you feeling?” She asked, shutting the door behind her.
You looked at her, “Well, despite the pain, I am in a good mood. How are you?”
“I am-“ she seemed to stop herself, “Lonely, actually. Regulus has been gone for weeks now and Sirius… it’s nearing two years.” Meaning Regulus’s return to Hogwarts and Sirius being gone with the wind.
You nodded, “The house does seem to be sadder without them.”
There was a contrition to her that you picked up as she came to your bed and sat on the side of the bed, careful to not disrupt your fragile body.
“I was not a good mother, was I?”
You were stunned at the fact she had reflected and came to that on her own. “Truthfully, I think you loved us the best you knew how. Love doesn’t suddenly just disappear so I know there must’ve been hate in your parents house and probably even theirs. I made peace with your actions long ago. I must admit, it does hurt to see you mistreat my brothers more than it hurts to be mistreated by you.”
She watched you closely. You could only smile at her. Hate left your heart so long ago, it was replaced by sour- laced acceptance. “Especially Sirius. I know, I know. You don’t hate him, you are just throughly disappointed. He deserves love, Mother. Just as much as you are now giving Regulus.”
She softly smiled as she moved a piece of hair from your face, “How did I have such a wise son?”
“It is not in my nature to be taken as a fool. True that I am more separate from the house now by nature of my condition but I saw it coming. Sirius had a deep hate in him while Regulus seemed to be filled with nothing but joy. I saw the way they looked at each other days before Sirius’s departure. If Sirius could’ve started a fire with a glare, Regulus would be scorched.”
You leaned over slightly to grab your cup of tea, she stopped you and handed it to you herself. “Thank you.”
“I think he is returning the energy he is receiving.” You sipped from your tea. “How’s Father? Any revelation from him?”
“No, he thinks Sirius is just in a rebellious stage.”
You laughed lightly, “For the past what? Three years?”
Your mother smiled, “I guess so.”
You couldn’t hate her. No matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t hate her, even back when you swore you did.
“Altair. I want to talk to you about something.”
You knew where this was going. You overheard her discussion with your healer. “I believe I know what you want to talk about.”
You were dying. It was a miracle you were still alive.
She reached her hand out to yours, clasping it gently. “You’ll never get better, you know that. I wanted to discuss with you what would like to happen when you…” tears welled up in her eyes. This was hard for her. No mother ever planned on having to discuss their child’s death with the child themselves.
“When I pass.” You clarified.
She nodded. You thought for a moment.
“I believe I will know when the time will be coming.” Your eyes went up to the ceiling.
“First, I would like for you to take me out to the garden one last time. When I feel like it’s time, bring me back in here. I want you, father, Sirius and Regulus to each say goodbye to me on your own. Then all of you can come back in and wait.”
Tears were flowing down her face at this point and she couldn’t help but collapse onto your chest. Even though it hurt and shocked you, you still comforted her. It couldn’t have been easy, you were her first baby. Pictures of you and her littered the house, all smiles and not a single dull one. She loved you the best she could and that was all you ever wanted from her.
Deep sobbing raked through Sirius’s body as he laid on your bed. He had pulled your pillow to his chest and was crying into it.
He missed you terribly. Why you? Why did you have to go and die?
When he finally rolled over, he saw your wand. It was beautifully carved. He picked it up, fingers tracing over the wing engravings.
Your breath was shaky as your mother wheeled you back inside. It was a beautiful evening, the grass smelled of summer and the lightning bugs twinkled calmly. You knew you would pass tonight. A solem voice seemed to be calling to you, it sound like the lonesome call of a bird.
As you were wheeled back inside, you saw the door open. Sirius standing there. It had been a while since you’d seen him. His hair was longer, eyes brighter and tattoos littered his skin.
You smiled widely but then you saw his face, he looked as if he’d seen a ghost. He couldn’t wrap his mind around it. Where was the Altair he knew? Where was light in your eyes? He knew you were dying but he didn’t expect you to look it. You went to stand, “Mother, my cane, please.”
“I am already dying. Just hand me the cane.”
With a worried huff, she complied. You carefully balanced yourself up. Sirius walked closer to you, hopefully making it easier on you. You hobbled and it took you a minute but you made it to Sirius.
“Sirius.” You whispered his name. Memories came back to you.
He was no longer the little boy who you rode your bike with.
No longer that annoying younger sibling who messed up your paintings.
No longer the boy you fought your own father for.
No longer the trouble maker you had to apologize for. Actually, maybe he was that last one but you deep in your heart that you couldn’t save him anymore.
He wrapped his arms around you and began to cry, sobbing like a lonely child. He had to almost hold you up, thinking that if he never let go, you wouldn’t go.
“It’s okay.” You attempted to comfort him, running your hand through his hair.
“No it isn’t!” He sobbed, “It’s not fair.”
“I know, but I… I am ready to not hurt anymore. Could you help me upstairs? Regulus will be here any minute and we are crowding the entry.”
Sirius chuckled, you were ever so worried about inconveniencing someone. He pulled away from you, taking your free arm as he helped you up the stairs.
As you neared the room, you noticed Sirius was crying even more. “Sirius, please don’t cry so much. You’ll give yourself a headache.”
He wiped his eyes with his hand, “I just, I knew that I would probably outlive you if we think about it by age. But-“
“You didn’t expect it so soon.”
“Yeah, “ he helped you to your bed and gently tucked you in, making sure you were propped up like you asked. “I don’t think I am ready for you to go, I know it’s selfish.”
“Oh but it’s not. To be missed, one must’ve been loved and I was so loved. It was a honor to be loved by someone like yourself.”
“I just- Was there anything anyone could’ve done?”
“No, I asked. I don’t really want to die but Sirius,” you looked at him with slightly glossy eyes, “I know it won’t hurt. I think I will close my eyes and when I wake up, I will be in a field of grass. The really soft kind.”
“I hope the sun is shining.” Sirius said through a tearful smile.
“There it is.” You exhaled, your whole body seeming to relax.
“You’re smile!” You grinned widely at him, “It is as bright as the star your named after.”
A creak in the floor board alerted you both to someone, you looked at the door to see your father.
He looked uncaring as he walked in and towards your bed, “Sirius, I would like to speak with Altair.”
Sirius looked at you and you nodded, letting him know that it was okay. Sirius cautiously walked out of the room and down the hallway.
As soon as your father was sure Sirius couldn’t hear, he fell to his knees. You jumped slightly as he grabbed your hand and began to sob.
“I-I am so sorry!” He kept repeating over and over, “I should- I am just-“
You squeezed his hand, “Father, there’s no point in crying so hard. I was going to die at some point.”
“But this isn’t how it’s supposed to be! Children bury parents, not the other way! I know there’s nothing I can do to save you! That’s what I am furious about.”
“There really was nothing any of us could’ve done after the fact. Rest easy father, I forgive you.”
Orion knew he caused several fractures when he beat you after Sirius’s sorting and several other times you stood up to the man. All he could do was hold his head in shame; in a roundabout way, he killed his son, his firstborn.
“Deserve it? Oh, I know you don’t but I let the hate leave me long ago. I knew from the second I woke up after leaving Hogwarts that I was going to die. I rather not pass with a heart weighed down with grudges and grievances. There like a chain around soul, you know.”
“I know.” He clasped your hands in his as he stood.
“You are not a bad man, you just weren’t supposed to be a father.” You calmly said to him. He stared at you.
“Don’t let it weigh on your heart.” You smiled weakly, “Do you know if Regulus is here?”
“I can go check. Please stay until your mother and him have talked to you.”
You breathed steadily as the voice called to you. It was closer now, ringing out like a grandfather clock.
Your mother entered your room, a soft smiles coming to her tear streaked face. “Regulus is coming, dear. He’ll be here.”
You nodded, “I hope he makes it. Death waits for no man.”
She came over to you and sat beside you, combing her fingers through your hair, “Is there anything you want to talk about?”
“I already gave you my piece when you brought up my final hours. But I will say, I’m going to miss you. You tried. I know you did. I am sorry I couldn’t stay longer.” You winced slightly.
“Just my heart. A small pain.”
She extended her arm and slowly rubbed around the area where your heart should be.
“I want Sirius to be able to visit my grave. That’s all I ask after I die. Let no one keep him from it.”
You extended your arm, “Swear it.”
An Unbreakable Vow. She willingly agreed, accepting your hand.
A loud thud caught both of yours attention. “Regulus?” You called out, weakening by the minute. The voice sounded like it was in your room, like the hush of a theater beginning to quiet down for a show.
“It is me.” He said as he entered the room.
Your mother gave you one last kiss to your head as Regulus took her spot.
“Took you long enough.” You joked.
“I’m so sorry,” he said, picking up your hand. “I just- stuff came up.”
“I understand.” You comforted.
You stared into his eyes. All you saw was the same scared little boy who asked to sleep beside you in this very bed. He was scared of many things: Spiders, darkness and water.
You reached up and cupped his cheek in your free hand, “Are you going to be alright without me?”
“No,” tears ran down his face, “None of us are. Who’s going to give us advice? Who’s going to let me know how Sirius is? Who’s going to love me?
You gave him the most pitiful look, “I am most worried about you. You’re scared deep down.”
“I’m not scared of much anymore.”
You smiled, “That’s wonder-“
“Because I have this.” He pulled up his left sleeve and you looked at it. Horror coming to you. You felt yourself weaken to the point your vision left.
Your hearing was last to go. You heard the scream of Regulus.
‘No, you just scared me.’
