High fives for fucked up lives

I'm like John Mulaney, they forgot to flip the switch at the last second - ENFJ-T

[estrogenesis-eeveeangelion]

quiz: why do lobsters have one claw bigger

[goth-princess-gwennie]

They evolved to handle different prey. the larger crusher claw cracks open ahrder prey like a molar tooth, whilst the smaller pincer claw rips apart soft prey similar to an incisor tooth.

[estrogenesis-eeveeangelion]

theyre lobsided

[goth-princess-gwennie]

oh I see! yay!

[sleepy-bebby]

[dailycatsblog]

[robertreich]

Your regular reminder that trickle-down economics is a cruel joke designed by the wealthy.

[theunicorncomic-blog]

[randomushroom]

HE FOUND TUMBLR??????

[robertreich]

I’ve been here the whole time.

[spinningthehamsterwheel]

Dear god, he's not kidding...

[ushirominya]

last christmas man me a sand but the very next day man car door hook hand

[ushirominya]

me n u both buddy

[unyieldingsilence]

‎ ‎

[wordfather]

i had a twisted dream this morning when my alarm tried to wake me up where jeff goldblum said 'Actually if you sleep a bit Longer you'll have More time to get ready It's called the Goldblum's Law and it works just go back to sleep' and i believed him and i overslept

[maxknightley]

rotisserie chickens are a cost-effective way to feed a small family, or for one strange adult woman to experience the joy of a predator tearing apart a carcass

[importantpics]

[omegaversereloaded]

I should run for president so the media can find my tumblr posts and show them to america

[omegaversereloaded]

[sentimentalslut]

what people dont get about divorces is the Whole Thing About Dogs

[sentimentalslut]

i have written custody plans for labrador retrievers more complex than i have for children. i went to four years of undergrad, three years of law school, and sat for the bar exam to write up custody exchange provisions for dogs with hyphonated last names

[sentimentalslut]

my clients are paying $295 an hour for me to go to court and litigate who makes veterinary decisions for Chuckles the Goldfish and theres literally nothing i can do to stop them

[sentimentalslut]

framing these tags and hanging them up in my office to remind me that it can always be worse

[kaylmao]

mwehh

[kaylmao]

gguh

[kaylmao]

huuugh

[gatorbeast]

these are all the same sort of animal. do you understand.

these are all small skittish creatures that love to bite and are found in drawers of garages and classrooms. they’re all related and in the same small biter family. weird little kids who play with them while they’re distracted and have empathy for them can tame them and become these beasts companions

[anchovy]

Beasts

[dukeofankh]

They all have a distinctive call that's basically "Myeeeehhhh!"

[fluffysheeps]

🌵+🐱

[kosmogrl]

september was practice… in october I’m getting my shit together

[kosmogrl]

in november I'm getting my shit together

[kosmogrl]

in december I’m getting my shit together

[waterandsilver]

crazy how the printer is the only piece of tech that acts up like that almost every day of its life. and we just accept it

[waterandsilver]

i don't think i've ever met a printer that actually wanted to be a printer. i think most printers have dreams of being on the stage

[userfish]

don’t listen to what anyone says the elephant really ties the room together

[tylostoma]

sometimes water tastes so good and you drink it in such a ferociously passionate way that you frighten yourself