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I am super excited that I am back to blogging! It has been a long while since I last typed a journal. Most of the times that I blogged the typing was done in a cafe, with ambience music and the white noise from the surrounding chats and whispers (and occasionally outbursts of laughters). Ever since I came back to Singapore, I have not yet found a comfortable cafe where I would bring my laptop out and spent a hour or two, sipping a cappuccino and writing down a few words.
There were several reasons why blogging has not happened for so long: first and foremost, I embarked on my training contract immediately upon my arrival in Singapore and I was desperate to proof that I was more capable than anyone else on the team and deserved a spot on the team. When I was offered a training contract, it was uncertain if I would be retained by which office and if I would be able to stay on in Singapore. Apart from succeeding at work, I also faced the challenges of blending in to a team consist of 90% (if not 100%) of local Singaporeans that unite inherently under a very clearly defined and unique culture. It is partially because of the unique language combining English with dialects in the vocabulary and with Chinese in the use of grammar, I have never truly been able to understand fully what some of the Singlish words actually mean in the context - but, I mastered the art of picking the right moment to laugh along, so I would not end up being the awkward sober one in the room. The other part of the reason was that my colleagues around me seem to care about the same things that did not form part of my life at that time: BTO, getting married, proposal rings, holidays to Japan and Korea, Rolex, or perhaps which restaurant to go to over the weekend in Tanjong Pagar or Joo Chiat, or even a short escape to JB for a money-for-value massage. None of those resonate with me. Yet I tried very hard to blend in, avidly participating in all formal and informal social drinks and late night karaokes with the young ones. It turned out to be quite an odd experience now that I looked back, because I never felt I really enjoyed those moments but only joined out of fear that I may appear to be anti-social if I did not. Until now, most of the people that were the core of those social gatherings have left the firm and I have naturally became one of the few living fossils taking the central spot at the social gatherings (solely by the virtue of staying long enough), and strangely blending in is no longer a theme (if it ever was at all).
I have digressed too much, like I always do when I write my journals. Now I have come to my second reason for not starting a blog for such a long time: I have not found the right state of mind to write anything down. I still managed to keep a hand written journal for the past three and a half years of living in Singapore - those writings were scribbled on different pocket Moleskines (some have gone skinless by now because the soft covers aged and peeled, failing the test of time) or Leuchtturm1917 (which have not yet started peeling but who knows?) - and when I browsed through what I have written down, it was just a collection of murmurings centered around two major themes: how I should stop liking this guy (or that guy, or the 3rd guy, yes there were three of them for the past three years that I had crushes on, none succeeded in any progress and by now two of them are married and the other one attached), and how I should stop buying this thing (or that thing - mainly tennis rackets, tennis outfit, ballet outfit, clothes, and now violin accessories). These are the type of stuff that do not deserve a published journal on Tumblr, which I created for some thoughtful remarks or recollections of life. I created this blog for thoughtful things, not emotional nonsenses recording how I have failed myself each time, both in controlling my feelings and guarding my pockets. A few years down the road, yet I am, still single and still poor. It was amusing to me that those scribbles have left me with a thorough record of how I arrived at where I am now. Haha.
Jokes aside, I am not that sad about where I am now. In fact, I am pleased with my current life and filled with hope and new momentum for embracing more challenges in the years to come. I was not really lamenting about not having secured a partner in life. To me, it was always a matter of serendipity - I have kept my eyes open for someone on the same wavelength and have not shut down myself to anyone. If there is no such one like that, it is just the way it is. It is as important to me of finding someone right as spending time on my own when that person is not yet here. I have spent excellent quality time on my own, picking up new hobbits that I did not even dare to dream of having years ago: ballet and violin! My weekends are now packed with ballet and violin classes, each taking the central theme of a day, with the rest of the time populated by house chores such as sweeping the floor, emptying the dustbins, taking paper and plastic to recycle stations, getting groceries, watching that episode I missed over the week, and occasionally meeting friends (sometimes for tennis, padel or just coffee and/or meals). Spending time and money on ballet and violin have cheered up my life so much recently and I just feel tremendously lucky and happy with them. More please! More please!
Work, on the other hand, has slowed down in the past weeks. I had a very busy year since last September and the hecticness lasted throughout until the end of the financial year in late June. I felt a bit of the lingering stress in the first week of July, but since then, deals and teams on the deals seem to have checked out on them, losing the momentum that I used to see in them. I am enjoying this rare moment of peace but at the same time I gradually realised that I must actively plan and action a career trajectory as otherwise nothing will roll out on its own. As a mid level lawyer, I have come to the right time to start building a career and mapping a road leading to an end result, may it be a partner in a firm, an in-house counsel role, or some place in the academia. At this moment, I am still convinced that private practice is what I like and I am still eager to develop in financing, in particular, project finance.
It is with this state of mind I have finally located a suitable cafe to spend time doing more studies (reading practitioners books and materials, organising the matters I have been working on, etc.), planning carefully about the goals and priorities in work, setting aside some time for doing researches and writing publications for submission to law / practice journals, and generally committing to a long term career in the law. I still love the law and find it a true blessing that I have had the privilege to have studied in the best law schools along with the brightest minds in the world. It was a journey with no regret and it would be an awful waste of my life and time if I just abandon all those teachings and learnings in the past and settle down for doing endless FAs and security documents in a law firm like an AI machine. I am dedicated to channel my learnings into some meaningful contributions. I am still on my way to figure out but it won't be long.
Now I am at Paul, yes this is the cafe I was talking about, writing down this come-back journal. The cappuccino here is amazing, vibes brilliant, people scarce and noise level pleasantly tolerable (no kids screaming especially). This is just the perfect place for me to do some readings and writings, hopefully every weekend (outside those hours I blocked out for ballet and violin). Today I brought with me a book on project finance to read and take down some notes, which I must now turn to.