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❣ Chile in a Photography ❣
wallacepolsom
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Monterey Bay Aquarium
cherry valley forever
Not today Justin
Sweet Seals For You, Always
#extradirty
roma★
One Nice Bug Per Day
Claire Keane
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if i look back, i am lost
Today's Document
Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
sheepfilms
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seen from Brazil
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seen from Canada
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seen from United States
seen from South Korea
seen from Germany
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@carrotspades
Watching parks and rec for the first time and astounded by how few Ben/chris fics there are! It’s only 1% of parks and rec fics on ao3 with the pairing tagged!!
They’re very similar to Adam/fergus in the thick of it, with 10% of TTOI fics containing the pair!
A collection of various fic rec prompts. From your local recovering Lestappen Fanfic Addict.
I will update this periodically! Feel free to send me fic rec requests, but please be aware I only fulfill them occasionally.
Please note:
There will be repeat fics across the lists.
I rec a lot of Explicit rated fics.
I tend to read more bottom Charles, so the recs skew more towards that dynamic. I do, however; have bottom Max fics included!
hope you find something you like 💌
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>50,000k Words
Amnesia Trope
Angst
Arranged Marriage
BDSM
Beautiful Omega Charles
Bottom Charles
Bottom Max
Charles-Centric
Charles as a Cat
Chef Max
Chussy
Comforting Charles
Cosy/Comfort
Dark Fics
Down Bad Lestappen
Exes to Lovers
Freaky Fics
Fics I Consider 'Classics'
Fics that Made Me Cry
Groveling
Hockey AU
Infidelity (ft. girlfriends)
Jealous Charles
Jealous Max
Karting Era
Lengthy Alternate Universe Fics
Medieval/Royalty
Omegaverse (w/ omega Charles)
Outsider POV
Out of the Box Fics
Possessive Dark!Max
Secret Kid Trope
Service Top Max/Power Bottom Charles
Social Media Fics
Stripper/Sex Worker
Heated rivalry coming to sky/now tv on 10th January! Will finally find out what this gay hockey show is about woohoo
Just need to figure out the subscription needed xD
I physically no biblically need a fic where Arthur is so scared out of his mind by the prospect of losing Merlin that he forgets his fear of appearing weak and being vulnerable and affectionate and cuddles the man in front of everyone.
I mean a fic where he half sobs Merlin’s name in relief once Leon brings him to the throne room where Arthur is having a crisis meeting with the court. Arthur then gets up runs over, puts one hand in Merlins dark waves to pull him into an embrace, buries his face in his neck and beathes in deeply all the while his other hand is holding onto Merlin’s tunic for dear life.
I need him to whisper "You're alive." Like a mantra while tears fall onto Merlin’s skin.
And Merlin would stand there being so confused and shocked because he always thought Arthur wouldn't even notice when he's gone.
And for days Arthur would barely be able to leave Merlin’s side, terrified something could happen to him
give me a couple of days and I'll see what I can do :)
AHHHHH omgggggggggg
Here you go!
This is AMAZING omg THANK YOU i love love love it this lives in my heart now
Please make a post about the story of the RMS Carpathia, because it's something that's almost beyond belief and more people should know about it.
Carpathia received Titanic’s distress signal at 12:20am, April 15th, 1912. She was 58 miles away, a distance that absolutely could not be covered in less than four hours.
(Californian’s exact position at the time is…controversial. She was close enough to have helped. By all accounts she was close enough to see Titanic’s distress rockets. It’s uncertain to this day why her crew did not respond, or how many might not have been lost if she had been there. This is not the place for what-ifs. This is about what was done.)
Carpathia’s Captain Rostron had, yes, rolled out of bed instantly when woken by his radio operator, ordered his ship to Titanic’s aid and confirmed the signal before he was fully dressed. The man had never in his life responded to an emergency call. His goal tonight was to make sure nobody who heard that fact would ever believe it.
All of Carpathia’s lifeboats were swung out ready for deployment. Oil was set up to be poured off the side of the ship in case the sea turned choppy; oil would coat and calm the water near Carpathia if that happened, making it safer for lifeboats to draw up alongside her. He ordered lights to be rigged along the side of the ship so survivors could see it better, and had nets and ladders rigged along her sides ready to be dropped when they arrived, in order to let as many survivors as possible climb aboard at once.
I don’t know if his making provisions for there still being survivors in the water was optimism or not. I think he knew they were never going to get there in time for that. I think he did it anyway because, god, you have to hope.
Carpathia had three dining rooms, which were immediately converted into triage and first aid stations. Each had a doctor assigned to it. Hot soup, coffee, and tea were prepared in bulk in each dining room, and blankets and warm clothes were collected to be ready to hand out. By this time, many of the passengers were awake–prepping a ship for disaster relief isn’t quiet–and all of them stepped up to help, many donating their own clothes and blankets.
And then he did something I tend to refer to as diverting all power from life support.
Here’s the thing about steamships: They run on steam. Shocking, I know; but that steam powers everything on the ship, and right now, Carpathia needed power. So Rostron turned off hot water and central heating, which bled valuable steam power, to everywhere but the dining rooms–which, of course, were being used to make hot drinks and receive survivors. He woke up all the engineers, all the stokers and firemen, diverted all that steam back into the engines, and asked his ship to go as fast as she possibly could. And when she’d done that, he asked her to go faster.
I need you to understand that you simply can’t push a ship very far past its top speed. Pushing that much sheer tonnage through the water becomes harder with each extra knot past the speed it was designed for. Pushing a ship past its rated speed is not only reckless–it’s difficult to maneuver–but it puts an incredible amount of strain on the engines. Ships are not designed to exceed their top speed by even one knot. They can’t do it. It can’t be done.
Carpathia’s absolute do-or-die, the-engines-can’t-take-this-forever top speed was fourteen knots. Dodging icebergs, in the dark and the cold, surrounded by mist, she sustained a speed of almost seventeen and a half.
No one would have asked this of them. It wasn’t expected. They were almost sixty miles away, with icebergs in their path. They had a responsibility to respond; they did not have a responsibility to do the impossible and do it well. No one would have faulted them for taking more time to confirm the severity of the issue. No one would have blamed them for a slow and cautious approach. No one but themselves.
They damn near broke the laws of physics, galloping north headlong into the dark in the desperate hope that if they could shave an hour, half an hour, five minutes off their arrival time, maybe for one more person those five minutes would make the difference. I say: three people had died by the time they were lifted from the lifeboats. For all we know, in another hour it might have been more. I say they made all the difference in the world.
This ship and her crew received a message from a location they could not hope to reach in under four hours. Just barely over three hours later, they arrived at Titanic’s last known coordinates. Half an hour after that, at 4am, they would finally find the first of the lifeboats. it would take until 8:30 in the morning for the last survivor to be brought onboard. Passengers from Carpathia universally gave up their berths, staterooms, and clothing to the survivors, assisting the crew at every turn and sitting with the sobbing rescuees to offer whatever comfort they could.
In total, 705 people of Titanic’s original 2208 were brought onto Carpathia alive. No other ship would find survivors.
At 12:20am April 15th, 1912, there was a miracle on the North Atlantic. And it happened because a group of humans, some of them strangers, many of them only passengers on a small and unimpressive steam liner, looked at each other and decided: I cannot live with myself if I do anything less.
I think the least we can do is remember them for it.
I can’t begin to describe how happy and flattered and a little teary I am that this just broke 100k.
I may be the actual only human being on Tumblr with a post this popular that I not only don’t regret making, but am actually HAPPY whenever I notice a surge in its circulation.
I never intended this to gain any traction at all (you’ll notice there’s no sources or anything–this was a personal ramble, prompted in good humor by a friend after I jokingly said that I wished someone would give me an excuse to cry about Carpathia on Tumblr so I could get it out of my system.) I literally expected to get, like, maybe 20 likes and a reblog, from friends, indulging me in my nonsense.
It just….means a lot to me that it’s touched so many people. I see a lot of tags to the effect of “HOW DARE YOU HURT ME LIKE THIS AND MAKE ME CRY ABOUT A BOAT” that are often really funny, but overwhelmingly the tags on this post are from people saving it for a rainy day, or remarking in a sort of quiet awe that they never even really thought about her role in the story–and God knows I never did, I learned it by complete accident much as most of the people who’ve found this post.
And so many of you guys are taking strength and reassurance from the reminder not only that people are capable of amazing things together, but simply that kindness matters and that a simple, tiny act of compassion is never wasted. I’m just really glad to have been able to do that for some folks.
If I can just add one personal note. I need to emphasize something I only touched on in the original post.
I need to emphasize that Carpathia failed.
A lot of the tags and comments have a tinge of…despair, or guilt, or wistfulness about things like this happening so rarely. Or inadequacy, or just being overwhelmed or unhappy about not being in a position to step up in a comparable way. And I want to gently bring up the fact that this is still the sinking of the Titanic.
They did not get there in time. They did not save the ship. It can be argued that they may not even have saved a single life; we have no way of knowing. This was still a horrific maritime disaster mired in arrogance and incompetence and a lack of care.
If the response to this story shows anything, it shows this: It matters that they tried.
Even though they got there too late, even though the ship still sank. It matters that they tried. The difference between making the best reasonable speed after confirming the seriousness of the situation, and the miracle they pulled off–it matters. It makes all the difference. Even if it made no difference at all. Not one of you read this and concluded that I was stupid for caring so much when the Titanic still sank and all those people still died.
You don’t have to fix the world. You’ll likely be cold and sick and miserable and testy and scared, and unprepared, and in over your head, and entirely too small to be of any real use. It feels stupid, passing out blankets and coffee in the middle of an ice field knowing what just happened. It’s hard to feel anything but useless when all you can do is tap a wireless transmitter and promise help that you know will come too late.
It matters that they fought for those people. It matters that they cared, and it matters that they tried. It matters that they didn’t stop. If it didn’t matter, you wouldn’t have read this far.
I DIDN’T LEARN ABOUT THIS IN DRIVING SCHOOL
Stop says the red light, go says the green
Wait says the yellow light, twinkling in between.
KNEEL, SAYS THE DEMON LIGHT WITH ITS EYE OF COAL SAURON KNOWS YOUR LICENSE PLATE AND STARES INTO YOUR SOUL
THIS IS ALWAYS FUNNY
@irritatedlifeguard I agree with your tags.
Going back to your dnf fanfic recs post ->
Anything by effervescentwolf (ao3) is SUBLIME. Like... the amount of pure serotonin I receive is fantastic, go read all their fics (they're taking a step back after everything, which kudos for them).
Anyway, to preface this fic rec list, I'm gonna try and go for less well known fics. Obv the big ones are all time favs too, but everyone knows them, so lets support the lesser known ones! (lesser known is subjective tho... but imma still try!)
'Voulez-Vous' by mmmpretzels (ao3 - 15k) - makes me brain rot so hard
'Weak knees; Don't go' by Limerence (ao3 - 6k) - slice of life and adorable
'It's all in your head' by Anditstotallyawesome (ao3 - 24k) - c!dnf, the way the writer uses George lore and explores it... why does this not have more hits, pLEASE GO READ!!
'How dare you love like you've never known fear' by Andthentheybow (ao3 - 11k) - The Old Guard AU that I'm obsessed with
Something wicked, something holy by Maximumtrash (ao3 - 15k) - cw: explicit - c!dnf, I don't think I've ever seen a better written villain where I know I would do the exact same thing in their situation. Like... yes I would do that. Even though its a bad thing to do. Does that make me a bad person??? IDK??!?!
Wouldn't fall for someone I thought couldn't misbehave by fcngs (ao3 - 7k) - yet another c!dnf fic, gogs breaks dream out of prison
The last breath of a dying world by Graciegirl2001 (ao3 - 22k) - okay look I know im recommending a lot of c!dnf but look, okay, can you blame me? the brain rot is strong
In the closet by travvymybeloved (ao3 - 4k) - about hide and seek, not about being closeted, lol
The sun did not know you yet by keepAPlaceForMe (ao3 - 4k) - dnf sun god moon god imagery but with a twist... it's super cute
Fermented blue to the bone by Navyhurricane (ao3 - 20k) - IT'S UNFINISHED AND IT'S KILLING ME. dbh AU, and I desperately need a conclusion
Apple Trees in April by Littlemissunmin (ao3 -13k) - queer platonic relationships! Boosting this cuz whilst /r dnf is great, /p dnf can also be great and you should 100% read it
One of those mornings by DNFANTI (ao3 - 1.7k) - super short, super sweet, will give cavities :]
Tying you to me by Summerchai (ao3 -9k) - dream knits for George and George falls in love
Beautiful Creature by Birbwatcher (ao3 - 25k) - WINGFICS GO POG! Super sweet
I was your willing accomplice honey by consciousness_streaming (ao3 - 31k) - cw: explicit, dnf are obsessed and will drop everything to help the other person. also dreams mum and drista are the mvps
Pennyforyourthoughts by Anditistotallyawesome (ao3 - 6k) - its soft... what more do you want me to say??
Letmeinplease by Anditistotallyawesome (yes, again) (ao3 - 24k) - platonic qnf my beloveds, dnf is also here ig (I JEST!)
twelve o'clock love by Navyhurricane (ao3- 8k) - they're afraid of rejection but they're literally cuddling in each others arms, oblivious f*cks (affectionate)
Nightlight by Sadiehour (ao3 - 3k) - its a sickfic with hurt/comfort and a heavy dose of fluff, what more could you want?
White flag by Cardans (ao3 - 17k) - war au but dnf are on opposite sides, they fall in love through letters. HEAVILY UNDERRATED
Attachment Issues by Maaiams (ao3 - 18k) - Star Wars AU! Mando!dream and Jedi!George enemies to lovers goes POG
Strange Trails by Honeyplease (ao3 - 17k) - hurt/comfort (but actual injuries) with pining best friends who get lost in the woods together
Whatever a sun will always sing is you by Purestcinnamonroll (ao3 - 10k) - legit the most realistic dialogue ive read for dnf, very cute. author no longer associating with fandom (understandable) but it's a banger fic, so go read
The Valentine Affair by Leafylore (ao3 - 27k) - SPY AU! Dream is 007 and Gogy is Q. Shenanigans ensue
Coffee Shops and First Dates by Sampam (ao3 - 5k) - "Dream hates coffee, but he definitely doesn't hate the pretty brunette who works at his local coffee shop" - there's your endorsement, go read
Conflicted (looks good on me) by sappmix1 (ao3 - 45k) - Dream is a vampire and snf are vampire hunters. you thought it was dnf but it turned out to be dt found family, mwahahaha (no but dnf are there, go read, please, it's really good)
Overexposed (enjoy) by lastime (r1caner) (ao3 - 13k) - dnf take an 'are you in love with your best friend quiz' but with a twist
Freedom of the fall by celestevoid (ao3 - 18k) c!dnf goes pog. miscommunication but it hurts. they think different stories are true and so feel guilt and anger. but THEN they actually talk so... progress? George allows himself to care and Dream allows himself to be cared for
Undeniable you by two storms (ao3 -14k) coworkers AU, enemies to lovers but only enemies because George is emotionally constipated and doesn't realise dream has a ginormous crush on him.
AND SCENE!!!
Again, tried to go for ones with less hits on AO3, so hopefully most of these are ones which you haven't heard of before. If so, YAY! I apologise if I misspelled titles or author names, its like... 2 am for me. ENJOY! :]]]
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS WOW!!!!!!! I’m going to read everything you recommended, thank you so much!!
A French, a German and an Italian spy are captured one day. The captors grab the French spy, take him to the next room and tie his hands behind a chair. They then proceed to torture him for 2 hours before he finally cracks, answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets.
The captors then grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair in the next room too and torture him for 4 hours before he finally cracks and tells them what they want to know.
They then grabbed the Italian spy. Once again, they tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing.4 hours go by and the spy isn’t talking. Then 8 hours, then 16 and after 24 hours they give up and throw him back into the cell.
The German and French spy are impressed and ask him how he managed to not talk.
The Italian spy says, ” I wanted to, but I couldn’t move my hands.“
This is honest to god the funniest thing I have ever seen in my entire life
This 1️⃣ goes out to all the horny 💏 couples out there who are thinking 🤔 of getting rowdy 🔞 this 💌Valentines💮 day evening: 👍 👎DO ❌️ NOT👍 👎 If you do your child 🧒 will be born 👏 a ♏SCORPIO♏ Now, why ❓️ don’t ❌️ we like Scorpio's♏? For starters, “Scorpio” has 7️⃣ letters 🔠. 7️⃣ letters 🔠: 7️⃣ deadly ☠️ sins ✝️ 🙅♀ Now, what are the 7️⃣ deadly ☠️ sins? Wrath, Sloth, Gluttony, Envy 👏👏 Envy is associated with the color GREEN 💚 What else is green 💚? Marijuana. Just 1️⃣ more pothead in the world 🗺️. LAME. Now where is pot 🍲 legal? Canada 🇨🇦, Washington, Colorado, Oregon, Alaska, airplane ✈️ bathrooms if the pilot’s 👨✈️ chill. And where can 🥫 planes ✈️ take you? California 🕶. And what’s on California’s state flag 🚩? A BEAR 🐻. Your child 🧒. Is gay 👨❤️👨.
The execution is like slam poetry but the content is clearly a shitpost and that’s def the most powerful combination I’ve encountered in a while
idk can we stop…treating a.ce disc.ourse like it’s some haha funney cringe compilation or whatever the fuck because it fucking destroyed the entire ace and aro communities. there is no solid aspec community on tumblr anymore (which was by far the biggest number of aspec ppl). exclusionists took our community and fucking smashed it to pieces and y'all treat it as this fucking stupid joke when they traumatized, gaslit, and abused an entire group of queer people back into the closet. fuck every single person who doesn’t take that seriously.
My personal experience is just that, but it’s really indicative that I have watched almost every single ace and aro person I know, irl and online, actively recloset themselves as a direct result of the consequences of The Disc Horse™
I watched irl queer groups disintegrate bc a few ppl who got into leadership positions used that to make the space hostile towards ace ppl (among others as well), saw friends go from being loud and proud aces n aros to actively avoiding any mention of it and letting ppl assume their sexuality. I myself, having been IDing as ace for 10 years at least, have in the past couple since this whole “"discourse”“ came into being, actively and intentionally stopped telling anyone at all that I’m ace. To put that in some kind of perspective, I am incredibly out as trans and will actively out myself pretty constantly except to total strangers I will never see again. I feel safer telling ppl I’m trans than ace. Especially in queer spaces. It’s fucked me up so much I didn’t even quite grasp how much but today my therapist asked me for the first time about like romantic relationships and I physically could not say I am aro and ace. Completely incapable, utterly frozen, and I just kinda let her believe what she will. Ironically the fact that I’ve gone from being willing and ready to tell ppl I’m ace as just another facet of myself to entirely unable and unsolicited to tell anyone, is probably a thing one might want to talk w one’s therapist about.
This has really fucked not just the community at large but fucked up individual ace ppl in so many ways. It’s not something “funny” or remotely harmless, it’s absolutely devastated us.
for people in the notes looking for “elder” aces, i just wanna say that i’m 28 years old and am also desperately searching for that representation. i first found out about asexuality through tumblr when i was 21 and started identifying as asexual when i was 21-22 (around 2012). i’ve sought other online ace communities but nothing compared to tumblr. i mean, props to aven for existing as a repository of resources but in terms of just chatting with other aces “in the wild” as it were, tumblr was the perfect place.
but then this fucking shit happened. around 2015 is when it really kicked into high gear. “discoursers” or exclusionists or aphobes or however you want to refer to them consider asexuality to be a joke and that everyone who identifies as ace is a cringey cishet college-aged white girl who loves dr who. recycled biphobia, homophobia, and even terf rhetoric made its way into the mainstream tumblr conscious by reframing the arguments to target ace people (you’re only X because you’re ugly/can’t get laid; you aren’t part of the community if your partner is of a different gender; maybe something happened to you to make you this way; have you had your hormones checked?; by accepting this identity you are allowing the oppressor to infiltrate our spaces; etc.). you know, in case you think this is just about “snick snack” memes.
this has alienated ace people of color, who already struggle with desexualization/hypersexualization, disabled aces, ace survivors, trans aces, mentally ill aces, neurodiverse/AUTISTIC ACES (you guys get REAL fuckin nervous when i highlight that the majority of your jeering about aces’ perceived awkwardness, missed social cues, infantilization/dehumanization, or “unfuckability”/“cringey-ness” are repackaged ableism, especially considering that a good percentage of the ace community is also autistic), and both young AND older aces.
younger people are being discouraged from exploring the possibility of being asexual by exclusionists for reasons that vary from internalized homophobia to asexuality being a side effect of SSRIs. they are being told that they are “actually” something other than what they say they are, or that they are broken, or that they’re too young to know, or that our ace identity is simultaneously something that must be excruciatingly examined to determine its “cause” yet so irrelevant that it’s unworthy of discussion or representation—”nobody cares that you don’t want to have sex”. i WISH i had known about asexuality as a teenager, as a kid. I wish i had saved myself from so much grief, abuse, pain, and corrective rape by not subjecting myself to experiences that i hoped would “fix” me.
and older people like me, who in the grand scheme of things is uhhh really not that much older than the majority of tumblr, are ridiculed for having a presence on tumblr in general, let alone as an asexual person. aces over 30? 40? 50? unicorns. conjured rhetoric. people straight-up don’t believe they exist. people ten years my junior attempt to deny and erase the lived history of aces by saying asexuality was “invented” only ten years ago. i have been terrified of attempting to enter Q* spaces irl because i have heard from even my IRL gay friends that aces do not belong, that “it’s not important enough to form an identity around”, that we are not oppressed enough or we just desperately want to be oppressed.
i have only heard in passing of people much older than i am who are ace. i have absolutely zero examples to turn to of people like me continuing to live a long life or any evidence that i am worth loving unless i become a parent, which i don’t want to do. when you’re a teenager there’s more discussion about sexual boundaries, but what about dating in my 30s? what adult is going to be satisfied knowing i can never validate their sexual attraction, unless they were ace like me (less than 1% of the population)? am i forced to be alone forever? you can imagine how bleak my future feels.
it pisses me off that i’m seen as a curmudgeon who “just doesn’t get the young people’s humor” when i have to beg people that i consider friends, for the eight billionth time, to stop making/reblogging jokes about how “cringey” aces are or are tongue-in-cheek declaring themselves to be aphobes, and then those people try to assuage me with respectability politics about how it’s about “THOSE” aces on tumblr and not, yknow, me, who is “one of the good ones”. and since the jokes themselves are so juvenile, it further compounds on the poor social graces and stoicism assumed of asexual people if I’m getting upset over ace war criminal moodboards or whatever the fuck. EVERY time i post about asexual ANYTHING on tumblr, to this day, i lose followers. without fail. people dont bat a lash when i spam 20 untagged posts in a row about a fandom they dont care about but i post two positive words about asexuality and theyre gone.
the environment promoted on tumblr condemns asexuality as a social deficit, as an attack on other Q* identities, as a subject of derision and embarrassment, as an identity lacking in “woke” capital, and makes every effort to expunge us from communities we have already belonged to in favor of making our own while also actively seeking out and dismantling those communities. if tumblr really is in its last days, i sincerely hope that these awful practices will die with it.
this picture was taken in 1973, asexuality has been part of the lgbt+ community longer than you’ve been alive.
The first mentions of asexuality as an orientation are from a leaflet published in 1896 and the X on the Kinsey Scale for non-sexual was added in 1948. It was not invented by white teenage old girls on Tumblr.
ASEXUALITY WAS NOT INVENTED BY TEENAGE GIRLS ON TUMBLR.
For more information on sexual history read this http://wiki.asexuality.org/Asexual_history
Before aromanticism was used as a term there was non-limerant. Limerance described romantic attraction and so a non-linemerant person didn’t experience romantic attraction. It has a lot of similarities to aromanticism and it’s first documented appearance was in a book called ‘love and limerance’ published in 1979.
Aromanticism was also not invented by white girls on tumblr.
AROMANTICISM WAS NOT INVENTED BY WHITE GIRLS ON TUMBLR.
Tumblr might be the first place you saw these terms and where they are most used but the orientations were not invented here maybe the words were first used by a lot of people on here but the orientations not.
funny dream sharing time
me and some other people were transporting animals to a zoo and had got them off of a ship and put them in a garden (which was quite small). let them out of the boxes so they could roam free. 2 seals, sloth, elephant, monkey, and squirrel. when putting thwm back into the cages and onto a lorry by carrying them by hand realised we didnt have the elephant. I picked up the smallest crate and said i’d found the elephant but opened it and a squirrel jumped out. just before we realised it was a squirrel, everyone had agreed it was probably the elephant. the manager of the transport company - who was the vicar of dibley - realised the elephant was still on the ship which had already left the harbour. zoomed into someone else’s mind and hitler came up and said ‘haha i’ve got the elephant now’ and then ww2 started.
So yeah, twas fun.
I’d never made bread before yesterday because, I dunno... it seemed kind of complicated and hard to do? However, last night I was 1. drunk and overconfident; 2. bored; 3. extremely caffeinated; and 4. out of bread. I read a few recipes online, decided that no stupid website was going to order me around (see 1., supra) and decided that I would be making up my own recipe. That idea was very dumb and should not have worked, but it did, so I’m going to share the recipe with you.
TST’s Time Tested Award Winning Blue Ribbon Best Ever Bread (tmtmtm do not steal)
You will need:
• 3 cups warm water
• 1 1/2 tbsp yeast
• 1 tbsp sugar
• 1 tbsp salt
• 6 1/2 cups flour
• bowl
• other bowl
• stand mixer
• cling wrap
• ipad
• oven
• pizza stone
• parchment? paper?
• small brownie tray?
• nintendo switch
Directions:
mix the yeast, sugar, salt and warm water in a bowl and leave it there for like ten minutes. Stir it occasionally. Is it supposed to be making bubbles? Is that a normal smell? who knows!
In the meantime try to find the dough hook for your stand mixer. It is not in the cabinet that would make sense for it to be in. It will probably be chilling out with the spiralizer or the George Foreman grill or something.
Dump all the flour into the big stand mixer bowl, then dump the yeastwater on top of it. Attach the dough hook (if you found it), and then mix it for what will feel like forever but is actually like 7 minutes. Constantly fiddle with the speed since you have no way of knowing how fast it should be going.
Try to recall what dough looks like, then stop when it looks like that.
Cover the bowl with plastic wrap and poke a few holes in it, then leave it out on the counter for about two hours. Set up your ipad to take a timelapse because you’re certain it’s gonna look awesome when it rises.
it will not look awesome, and will in fact look like your dough is farting under a blanket. This is, of course, not what’s happening. What is happening is that the yeast is farting.
preheat your oven to 450. if you have pizza stone(s) and parchment paper, cover the pizza stones with parchment paper; otherwise i’m sure like a cookie sheet and cornmeal or whatever would work
put SO FUCKING MUCH FLOUR ON YOUR HANDS. HOWEVER MUCH YOU THINK IS REASONABLE, DO LIKE 8 TIMES THAT AMOUNT.
Try to make your bread into two loaf shapes, and plop them on your pizza stones/baking sheet. Oh, can you not get it off your hands? is the dough... TOO STICKY? Did you even listen to my flour tip?
You did? Well now I feel like a jerk, sorry.
Let the loaves rise for 30 minutes. Bust out the ipad again, in case it looks cool this time.
Nope.
Imagine how bread looks. Cut the top of your loaves until they look like bread:
Put the loaves in the oven on the top rack, then fill a pan with a cup of water and put that on the bottom rack. This, apparently, does something.
Set up the ipad for the actual good time lapse of the bread rising in the oh my god the oven light won’t turn on oh for fuck’s sake.
Play Animal Crossing for 37 minutes.
Take bread out.
Hide bread from thieves.
Eat smugly, and find ways to work “i made bread” into any conversation for the next week.
Stonks and big brain are directly proportional
Rhett and link learn to transcend the norms of platonic male friendship
when she says she doesn’t send nudes
when guys objectify women and expect them to send nudes
when someone asks you about your nuclear plans for russia
When Russia sends you nudes
#what the fuck happened here
This is my favorite post in all of tumblr
reminder that this post is now illegal in Russia
reblog it, because Russia can´t
Thanks Obama
When Russia makes this post illegal
This is my favorite post on tumblr
“I can’t believe Dean and Cas made out.”
Cas shrunk back from walking into the library at the sound of Sam ’s voice – for very good reasons.
He heard the unconvinced noise Mary made as she shrugged before replying. “It broke the spell and saved the town – it’s not hard to believe they’d do it… For the greater good.”
Sam still sounded agitated although Cas agreed with Mary – and he should know better than them about it. “No, Mom, we were all in the room. All the ritual asked for was a kiss… I mean what if all we needed to do was something like me giving you a peck on the cheek? It was a vaguely phrased spell.”
“I suppose so…”
Sam had gone into full ranting mode – “And – even if it had to be a kiss on the mouth – Cas could have kissed any of us. There were options. He could have kissed you, or, well, he was standing right next to me when Dean read the thing out, and a lot of people were going to die really soon. I’d take one for the team.”
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