“I think I cannot love you…”, and as you say that, your heart breaks into pieces. Your honesty is going to be the death of you.
———
Sooo… it got a little out of hand… I’m saying nothing more but that the unedited version of this had over ten thousand words…
It became very sad and heartbreaking and I for myself needed to hold back a few times :(:
Lando Norris x OC!fem!character
warnings: a lot of heartbreak; angst; (fluff but not really)
9.6k words
(I recommend both songs for the emotion)
———
You pace the hospital waiting room anxiously. Lando, your best friend, had just been in a bad racing crash, and had suffered a few injuries from it. You waited for what seemed like hours until the nurse finally let you know that you could come in.
You rush into the room. Lando was laying in the bed, a few bandages across his bare chest and small cuts across his arms and his face. Despite his state, he smiles at you.
“Hey, Cassie.” He grins at you slyly.
You just stand in the door and let your gaze trail over his bandaged body.
Lando watches you as your gaze travels over him. He then gives a small wink and holds up his bandage hand as if to gesture ‘come here.’
“You’re just going to stand there and stare? Come closer! Take a seat.” He laughs at his own joke.
You can’t help but crack a small smile. It was a difficult time, yet Lando’s charisma and joking way still made you feel comfortable.
“Don’t act tough, I know your hurting”
“Okay, I’m hurting.” He groans. “But I’m glad I’m here with you.”
He reaches his hand towards you and you take it, smiling back at him. He pulls you closer and rests his head on your shoulder.
“Don’t tell anyone, but I’m a little scared.” He whispers.
“About what?”
He thinks for a moment. “About… everything. But especially about what happens now.”
You can feel his hand shaking slightly and his breathing is a little rapid.
“Lando.” You tell him gently. “Everything’s going to be okay. I’m here, right? So, nothing to worry about.”
He lays his head back and closes his eyes, trying to calm down.
You sit next to him on his hospital bed, holding his hand tightly. He looks over at you and smiles a lopsided smile.
“Thanks, Cassie.” He whispers. “Just seeing you here… it calms me down so much.”
You smile gently and caress his hand.
“I’m glad.” You tell him. “Because… I want to be here. I want to be by your side.”
Lando smiles back at you and your gaze stays on his face. He opens his eyes and looks at you intently.
Your smile is sincere.
He stares at you for a moment longer. Suddenly, he lifts his head off of the pillow and leans over to you. Before you realize what’s happening, his face is close enough to yours for him to kiss you. Before you have a chance to react, his lips meet yours in a soft and gentle kiss.
After a moment, he pulls away. His eyes are a little brighter and he’s smiling widely.
“...Sorry..." He mumbles. "I just don’t know when I’ll get to do that again...”
You blush and avert your gaze, not knowing what to say.
He smiles at you and leans back against his pillow again, looking slightly embarrassed.
“Sorry, that was a bit sudden. I was just… overwhelmed, I guess.”
He’s clearly expecting you to say something back. You can see the hope in his eyes.
“Lando…I-“, you don’t know how to put it.
He smiles again and nudges you playfully, as if to say “just say it”.
His grin is endearing. You can’t help but feel your heart clenching. You think about it for a moment longer and finally decide to say what you’re thinking.
“Lando, I… I…”
“I’m seeing someone”, you mutter and bite your lip.
His smile faltered for a moment. He stares at you in disbelief as he takes in your words.
“C-Cassie.” He stammers. “Since when?”
Your heart aches as you watch him fall apart right in front of you. You wish you were somewhere else, but you can’t just leave him alone in a state like this. A wave of guilt washes over you.
“Since a few weeks”, you confess.
“Why didn't you tell me?!” Lando's voice raises slightly in volume. He shakes his head slightly, letting out a sigh.
"You could have at least said something."
He looks away from you now, letting out a soft sigh. He runs a hand through his curly hair and frowns.
"Is it serious?" He mumbles, almost to himself, but loud enough for you to hear.
“I thought so”, you say.
He stayed silent.
Lando still hasn’t turned back around to look at you. You can hear a sense of resignation in his voice as he mutters out his next question.
“Is it serious enough…”
He clears his throat and speaks louder, finishing his sentence.
“... that you won’t still feel the same way about me?”
You blink and just stare at him.
A flicker of hope crosses Lando’s face as he sees your reaction. He leans towards you, gently caressing your hand again. You can feel him staring at you intensely, waiting for your reply.
“Cassie, I don’t care if you’re seeing someone else.” He pauses for a moment, trying to think of what to say next.
“Please…”
It’s clear he’s desperate. Your heart aches to see him like this.
“I- I’ve never thought of you in a way like that”, you admit, completely disillusioned.
Lando freezes in place, the color draining from his face. You can see his shoulders slump and hear him sigh once more. For a moment, he’s silent, letting himself process what you’ve just said.
When he finally speaks again, his voice is even quieter than before.
“Oh.”
That’s all he’s able to get out.
He pulls his hand away from yours and leans back against the bed. He’s completely silent now, staring off to the side.
“I-“, you want to say something but don’t know what.
Your heart breaks as you watch him sit there, quietly processing what you’ve said.
You’re not sure what to say either. He already knows the truth now.
After a few moments, he speaks up again. You can’t help but notice the hint of sadness in his voice.
“It’s alright, Cassie.”
He looks back at you and smiles slightly.
“You can’t change how you feel.”
You just stare at him. You’d expected him to be mad at you or send you away but not this. Not him comforting you.
“Besides…” Lando’s voice is still soft, almost to a whisper. “We’re still friends, right?”
He looks up at you hopefully. The sadness in his eyes is clear. But as long as he has your friendship, that’s what matters.
“Right, Cassie?” He looks to you for assurance. “We’re still friends?“
“Of course!”, you say and grab his hand again.
A sense of relief washes over Lando as you grasp his hand in yours once again. The smile returns to his face as he squeezes your hand softly, holding it tightly in his grasp.
“Thanks, Cas.”, he murmurs. “You don’t know how much it means to me… that you still want me around. It’s all I could ask for, really.”
“We’ve known each other for so long…”, you mumble and try to process things.
Your words give him pause.
“Yeah… we have, haven't we?”
He lets out another tired sigh and leans back against his pillow.
“We go way back. Been friends all through childhood... all through high school, and even now…”
He stops talking for a moment and stares up at the ceiling.
“It’s just weird thinking that it might’ve been different. That… you could've been something more than my friend.”
“Since when did you start to see me… as more than just a friend?”, you ask., scared of the answer.
Lando’s eyes flit back towards you. You can feel the nervousness return as he struggles to find the right words.
“Well… it’s been a while, I guess.”
He sighs heavily before shaking his head and continuing.
“I don’t know… I guess ever since we were in middle school?”
He looks back up at you and you see the fear in his eyes as he waits for your response.
“I’ve never…. I’ve never realized…”, you stutter.
“I know.” Lando responds calmly, his words even-tempered. Of course, in his head, he’s beating himself up over it but he quickly shakes it off before looking back at you.
“I always wanted to tell you…” He says with a small smile, “but I guess I was too caught up in this ‘friend’ phase of ours and… I never thought there was a chance you’d like me back.”
You feel even worse hearing his words. Because they were true, and that hurt you.
As he finishes his sentence, you can tell that he’s waiting for you to say something. His face is a picture of anticipation, like he's hoping you’ll say something different this time around.
Your heart feels like it’s going to break for Lando. You reach out to him and grab his shoulder, leaning closer to him.
“Lando…” You mutter, “I wish… I wish I felt the same way about you…”
A wave of sadness washes over him as he stares at you, his smile slowly fading away. Your words break his heart.
After a moment of silence, he smiles again slightly. But there is more sadness in his eyes this time.
“Thanks… I appreciate the honesty.”
He clears his throat again and leans back against the bed, looking back at the ceiling. He takes one of your hands in his and caresses it with his thumb.
“Let’s just… stick to the plan then.” He chuckles softly. “Just friends, right?”
You sigh sadly and feel so bad. “Yeah…”
He smiles at you and raises his other hand to caress your shoulder this time.
“Still friends.” He repeats. “Not a single thing changed and not a single thing will change.”
He gives a small laugh but it doesn’t entirely hide how affected he is by your rejection. He leans into your shoulder and sighs heavily. He rests his head against you, clearly wanting physical comfort to soothe your emotions.
“Friends till the end, Cassie.” He finally whispers.
You gulp at how guilty you feel. “Well at least you got your kiss.”, you try to cheer him up somehow and to soothe your conscience.
Lando laughs slightly as he hears your words. “Yeah… yeah, I guess I did.”
He leans a little more into you, resting his head on your shoulder, wanting more comfort.
“And you know what?” He continues, sounding slightly happier now. “It was worth it.”
He grins at you as he lets out another chuckle.
“I got a kiss from my favorite girl. I can die happy now.”
You feel his arm wrap around your shoulder, pulling you a little closer to him now.
You smile sadly and can’t believe it. If you would just have noticed…
It wasn’t fair. If only you had known sooner how he felt, you could’ve saved him from so much heartbreak.
As you look down at his head, resting on your shoulder, you notice that his eyes are slightly damp from tears. But his smile is still there.
“Hey, Cassie?”, he whispers after a moment of silence. “Can I tell you something?”
“Yeah, of course”, you try to catch his eyes.
"I've..." For a moment, Lando hesitates. He seems to be picking his words carefully.
"I've felt this way… for a while. Ever since I was a kid. Since I was maybe 10 or 11, I started to... like you."
He pauses again, taking a deep breath. "But I could never admit it to myself. Couldn't tell you how many times I almost said something. But..." he sighs, "I didn't."
It's clear that he wanted you to know how long he's been feeling this way.
Your eyes widen at his confession. “And I’ve never noticed…”, you blamed yourself.
"Don't blame yourself, Cas.", he tells you. "It's not like it was obvious. I made sure not to show it, even though... I wanted to."
He grabs your hand again, his grip tighter now as he looks into your eyes. "I swear, I wanted to tell you so many times... but every time I got close? I just couldn't do it."
A hint of frustration crosses his face at this. "This is definitely something I should've spoken about before now..."
You just sit beside him, speechless.
After a moment, he speaks up again, his voice quiet but steady.
"Do I regret telling you? I mean... yeah, a little. Because now you know how I feel. It would've been easier for me to just keep it in. But, for you? If I didn't say anything, then I'd never have told you... and I would've been keeping this from you forever."
He looks away from you for a second, shaking his head as his voice drops to a whisper. "...and I don't want to hide anything from you."
You sigh before you hug him tightly. “I’m so so sorry”, you whisper with a trembling voice.
As you hug him tightly, his eyes close. He hugs you back just as tightly and nuzzles his head into your shoulder.
“No, I’m sorry.” He mumbles. “I… I should’ve told you sooner. I shouldn’t have let things go this long. I shouldn’t have taken so much time to just…”
His voice trails off. You hug him tighter, but then you notice his eyes are wet now, with tears rolling down his cheeks. He’s trying not to cry, but he can’t keep it in anymore.
“Oh, Lando”, you say and cup his face, wiping his tears away with your thumbs.
He wraps his arms around you tightly, his face against your shoulder as he continues to cry on your shoulder.
"I'm so sorry. I really am."
He continues to cry for a few moments longer before he finally calms down.
"Do you forgive me?" He asks you softly.
You can't believe he's asking you for forgiveness. Your heart breaks as you nod gently, wiping away his tears again.
"I do, Lando. I do."
He leans against you, resting his head on your shoulder as he looks up at you.
"I want you to know, Cassie, that I'm going to feel this way about you for a long time... even though you don't feel the same way. And I'm okay with that. As long as we're still friends, I can live with it."
He smiles slightly as he continues to look at you. "I like where we are right now. And you... you mean so much to me, Cassie. More than I can say..."
His words leave you speechless.
“Can I kiss you again?”, you ask while looking at him. “I just wanna make your that I really feel nothing. But maybe I do”, you look hopeful at your idea.
You can see his heart skip a beat when you say that. Your words fill him with hope…
“…Are… are you sure? Because I can’t let you….”
His voice trails off, and he turns his head to look away from you. But he still has your hand in his, holding it tightly as he struggles with his thoughts.
“You don’t know what this means to me…”, he murmurs softly. “I just… hope…”
After a few more moments of silence, he finally speaks up again. “Yes.”
You try to smile before leaning into him, placing your lips on his ever so gently.
Every trace of doubt is washed away from him as you lean into him. Your lips brush against his, ever so gently, but it’s enough to send a jolt of electricity through his body.
As you pull away, he stares at you with a pair of eyes filled with hope.
“Cassie… I-“ He mumbles before looking away, flustered. “Do you think… maybe you could…?”
He starts to trail off again, his cheeks now flushed a bright red as you notice tears rolling down his eyes again.
You feel anxious. You didn’t feel anything. So you press your lips against his again multiple times.
His body jolts each time you press your lips against him. Each kiss feels like a rush of energy, as his heart flutters with each touch of your lips.
But nothing changes as you pull away again. There's no fluttering feeling, nothing of the sort. You feel anxious as you notice Lando still staring at you, desperate for a sign that you feel the same way about him.
He looks away from you after another few moments, finally calming down, the energy from your kisses slowly fading.
"No?" He murmurs. "You don't feel anything?"
You could cry. You so desperately wanted to feel something but it just wouldn’t happen. So you softly shake your head. “No…”
"Oh..." Lando mumbles as he looks at you, his hope completely washed away.
He turns away from you and lays back onto the bed. His whole body slumps as he seems to give up. He closes his eyes as tears start to roll down his cheek again.
"I knew it..." He says quietly. "I should've known better than to think for a second that you'd feel the same way..."
The silence of the room feels suffocating now.
“I just don’t get it?! Why do I not feel anything?!”, you get louder and press your palms against your eyes, beating yourself up over the fact that you wouldn’t feel anything for Lando.
Lando flinches a bit at your sudden outburst. He can hear the hurt in your voice and it breaks his heart.
"Hey, hey. It's okay, Cassie..."
He shifts on the bed again, trying to reach up and grab your hand.
"It just happens, Cas." He says, his voice quiet but reassuring. "You don't need to blame yourself for it. I don't either. We can't change what we do and don't feel, okay? That's just life..."
“But you deserve to be loved. I don’t want you to be like this. I can’t be dating someone else now if you’re hurting”, you almost whine and feel tears pricking in your eyes. You’ve never felt so bad before…
Lando tries to smile, but you can tell how hard it is for him to do. He looks at you with sad eyes and leans closer towards you again.
"Don't worry about me, Cas. Just... just do what you need to do to be happy, okay?"
He takes a deep breath and turns away, staring down at the bed again.
"If you don't feel anything for me, then..."
He can't finish his thought out loud. You can hear his voice choking up as he speaks.
You lean down towards him and lean your forehead against his. “I just want to feel something. I want to know how it feels”
Lando doesn’t say anything for a moment, but as you lean your forehead against his, he leans back into you.
His voice is still quiet, but his body language suggests that your reassurance means a lot to him. There’s so much hurt in his eyes… He seems to be at a loss.
For a long moment, he stays quiet. He looks away from you and glances around the empty room.
“I wish…” That’s all he says, but for you? You understand instantly. You know what he wishes for.
You start crying eventually. The guilt eating you up from inside. You feel like you forgot how to love. When you clearly just didn’t love Lando…
Lando watches as you break down, tears rolling down your cheeks. He slowly pulls himself up to a sitting position, still clutching your hand as you sob. He can’t stand seeing you hurt like this, and so he leans in close and places a soft kiss on your forehead.
“Shh” He whispers, stroking your hair with his other hand. “Everything’s gonna be okay.”
You can’t respond as you continue crying. The words feel like just empty words now, and nothing will take you out of this state of sadness.
“It’s just unfair…”, you sob.
Lando continues to stroke your hair and hold your hand as he whispers to you, trying to reassure you.
“I know, Cas. Trust me, I know…”
He lets go of your hand and wraps his arms around you instead, squeezing you tight as you continue to cry.
“I know you can’t change your feelings for me, and I… I can’t change where my heart lies either. But you still mean the world to me, Cassie. Nothing changes that, alright?” His voice is soft and comforting, like a blanket wrapped around your emotions.
“Can I try one last time?”, you ask and look into his eyes, the tiniest shimmer of hope.
As you look at him, you can see Lando's heart leap in his chest, his breath catching slightly.
“…go ahead.”
There’s a slight edge to his voice, a little nervous anticipation. You can tell he’s worried for what this might bring. But he’s willing to try the “kiss test”, hoping that this time maybe something is different.
You lean into him and lay your lips on his, but this time you open your mouth and deepen it.
The moment your lips meet, everything changes for him. It’s like a jolt of electricity running through his body. His breath catches as his heart skips a beat.
After a few seconds, he breaks the kiss and looks at you, his eyes wide in surprise. He can barely form a thought or even speak.
"W-wow..." He whispers, still trying to catch his breath. "Cassie, that... you... that... I mean, that was..."
But you on the other side break down into tears again.
"Cassie?" Lando whispers softly, concerned by your reaction to the kiss. You can see his heart breaking again as he watches you cry.
"Are you okay? Why are you crying now? Did I do something wrong?"
His confusion is clear as he looks at you with wide eyes, waiting for your answer. He knows something's up and it's making him worry a lot.
“No. I’m just broken.”, you sniffle.
"Broken?" Lando asks softly, but you can hear the heartbreak in his voice.
"Broken... about what, Cassie?" He asks gently, wanting to know exactly what's wrong. He can't stand to see you hurting anymore and if there's something he can do, he will try to do it.
"Tell me... what happened when we kissed? What did I do?"
“No! My body is just broken. It won’t work. It won’t let me feel anything!”, you cry and sob uncontrollably.
Lando stares at you as you break down, trying his hardest to comfort you. You can feel his arms wrap tightly around you again as he leans in close to you.
"Hey, shhh..." He begins, trying his best to calm you down.
"Hey, hey... no. Cassie, you're not broken. You can't be broken, okay? It doesn't... it doesn't work like that, Cas. You're just fine. You're... you're perfect. You are you."
You try to calm yourself but still feel like you failed him. Him and his love for you.
“Hey, hey. You didn’t fail anyone, Cassie.” He pauses for a second, wiping some of your tears away.
“You just… you just don’t feel the same way about me that I feel about you.”
He pulls you closer, holding you as tight as he can so you never have to let go.
“There’s nothing you can do to change where your heart lies. That’s just a part of life. But I hope you know that I won’t love anyone else the way I love you, Cassie.”
“Stop.”, you cry and try to get his arms off of you.
"Stop?" He asks, confused by your words.
"Stop holding you? Is that it...?" He raises his eyebrows. If this is what you want, he won't push it. But he's just surprised that you want to let go after the talk you just had.
"You know I love you, Cassie." He whispers softly, still holding you tightly.
“Stop it!”, you get louder.
"Stop what?" He seems a little panicked, his voice raising as he watches you break down again.
"What do you mean, Cassie? What am I doing?"
You notice his expression of concern is growing with each moment, his arms still wrapped around you, not willing to let you go.
“Stop touching me!”, you yell and try to get away.
As you pull away and yell at him, he looks at you with sheer shock. The look on his face says it all... he didn't think the situation was this bad. He didn't know you had grown so uncomfortable with his touch.
"I'm sorry, Cassie." His words are filled with confusion and concern. He loosens his grip on you and lets you go.
"What did I do?" He asks softly, his voice hurting as he sees the tears rolling down your cheeks.
“I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve anything. I don’t deserve your love so stop treating me like I did!”, you cry and break down onto the floor.
“Cas…”
He sighs softly and looks down at you. “Come here… please”
Not knowing what else to do, he bends down and slowly sits down on the floor next to you. He reaches out and lightly strokes your hair as he watches you cry.
“I’ve told you this before, but I’ll never stop loving you. So don’t ever think you don’t deserve anything… you deserve the world, Cassie. Especially my love. Even if I can’t have yours.”
That makes you cry even harder. “I just don’t understand how you still want to have me in your life. I’m so stupid”
"Look at me."
You do as he says and raise your head towards him.
"I'm going to say this one more time, alright? One last time, okay?"
He strokes your hair again before he begins, speaking softly but clearly.
"You are everything to me, Cassie. Everything. Do you know how much joy you bring into my life? How much I want to be around you? What I don't understand is why you're so hard on yourself, okay? You... you've done nothing wrong."
“I can’t be with anyone else anymore. I can’t because I know it would hurt you. Lando don’t you understand how bad I feel? How fucking bad I feel to exist?!”
"Look..."
He reaches forward and wipes away your tears before taking both your hands into his.
"Maybe this will help you understand how I feel..." He glances away from you, but he looks back at you again after a few moments.
"Do you know what it's like to look at someone every day and love them so much it hurts? And then, when they don't feel the same about you, you blame yourself for it, like you've somehow failed at life, like you don't deserve the oxygen you breathe?"
You look at the floor and don’t stop crying.
“Stop it. Look at me.”
You look up at him as the tears continue to roll down your cheeks. You feel guilty, but you still can’t understand why he’s so stubborn about this. And just when you think you can’t take it anymore, he speaks up again.
“We can’t help what we do and don’t feel, okay, Cas? It’s like that for everyone, not just you and me.”
His words sound strange to you. You still don’t feel anything for him… nothing.
“I just don’t understand why I can’t…”, you whisper, your body still violently shaking with every sob.
“Shh...”
His hand covers your mouth as he sits next to you, hoping to calm you down. But your words are like a dagger to him.
You don't understand why you can't feel for him, and he can't understand why he still feels for you.
He looks at you with desperate eyes, but all he can see is your tears falling down your cheeks. He looks away from you again and holds your hands tightly, hoping that a little contact might help.
“Lando”, you sob and collapse even more.
"Cas..."
The hurt in his eyes is clear. He just wants you to love him as much as he loves you. Nothing more, nothing less.
As you sink down even further, his arms wrap you even tighter and he leans his cheek against yours.
He wants to ask you if you love him again. If you've changed your mind about it after all. But he's too scared. He doesn't want to hear another "no". And so, he sits there and says nothing more.
But then you suddenly force yourself to stop crying, even though your body is shaking.
He's confused by your sudden change, but he's happy to see you stop crying. And so he relaxes a bit, his arms still wrapped firmly around you.
"Cas, are you alright? What changed?" He asks gently, still with his head leaning against you.
You can tell he's a bit scared that you'll break down again. He doesn't want the situation to worsen and feels like he's already pushed you too far.
“I’m not gonna give up. I’m gonna fight for this love and I won’t stop until I can give you what you deserve”, you say determined, your voice trembling but you get up to your feet anyway.
"No. Cas, please..."
As you stand up, he follows suit, pulling you close once again and looking at you with concerned eyes.
"You don't have to do this. You don't want this love. Just because I love you, doesn't mean you have to love me back.
If you really feel nothing, please just let it go. Don't try to change your mind. Don't try to... to lie to yourself. I... I don't want you to do this, Cas."
You sink against his body in defeat. You will try, but won’t tell him. You’re gonna do everything to love him in that way.
He sighs and pulls you in tight against him once again.
There's a part of him that feels happy to have you in his arms again, even if the circumstances aren't ideal. Even if he knows that you're just lying to yourself.
"I know you're gonna try, Cas. I'm just scared I'll never be enough for you. I don't wanna be the reason you feel so broken. Please, if you can't change your mind don't force yourself to love me"
You tremble and feel hollow. Tears roll down your face but you don’t feel them. You feel numb.
"Shhh... sshh..." he whispers, stroking your hair and hoping to at least calm you down.
"It's alright, Cas... it'll be alright. Don't cry."
But even he knows how much this hurts for you. You can see the defeat in his face as he continues to hold you and stroke your hair. He doesn’t want you to feel like this, but he knows he’s the reason you hurt so much. And for him, that’s the worst feeling in the world.
———
After what happened in the hospital you began to spend every day with Lando. You went out together or you just visited his apartment. You so desperately wanted to feel something for him that you tried everything.
Over the next few weeks, you tried to see Lando through a completely different lens. The lens of love. You did everything you could to give your emotions a push in his direction.
You went out to dinner with him more often, spending quality time together. You paid extra attention to how he looked and dressed, making mental notes on his every move.
And yet, even though you spent so much time together, nothing changed. You didn't feel the spark, you didn't feel anything for him. And you hated yourself for it.
“Can you pass me the salt?”, you asked one morning after you spent the night cuddling with him in his bed. Now you ate breakfast together and it was more than just weird.
You smile sweetly as you speak, but there's a deep sadness in your eyes. You thought that spending the night with him would change something... but it didn't.
“Of course, love.” He reaches over the table and taps your hand while sliding you the saltshaker. There's pain and despair in his eyes as he does so.
He knows how much you tried to force yourself to love him. He's just trying to keep a lid on it as best he can and not show how much pain you've caused him.
You salt your scrambled eggs before smashing the shaker down on the table with a thud. “This is ridiculous”, you mutter.
“What's ridiculous?” He asks softly, looking at you with confusion.
He watches you smash your food down on the table and he knows something's wrong. You've hit a breaking point and there's no hiding it anymore.
“Did I say something?” He raises an eyebrow, trying to guess what set you off so suddenly.
“No! You’re perfect and that’s the problem! I just don’t understand why my stupid heart won’t start to feel something! Just something” Your head sank into your hands as you said that.
"Cas, shhhh..."
He reaches over the table and takes your hands into his. They feel warm and gentle as he leans towards you.
"I know you tried. I know how hard you tried. But you can't force it, Cas. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
His voice is filled with empathy as he tries his hardest to make it clear that he isn't angry at you. He just wants to understand how you feel.
"You can't make yourself love someone. It just doesn't work that way."
You bite down hard onto your lip, maltreat it as if pain was the only thing you deserved right now. You deserved nothing but pain because this was all you could bring upon Lando. You bit your lip so hard it eventually started bleeding.
His heart breaks the moment he sees you bite your lip, blood trickling down your chin. Everything you’ve tried has failed. And it hurts him even more than it hurts you.
He reaches out, gently wiping away the blood with his finger. He has so many thoughts running through his mind… so many things he wants to say… but none of it is easy for him to say out loud.
“Please don’t, Cassie. Please, just stop.” He whispers softly, his voice breaking with emotion.
“Stop what?”, you look up at him, sucking at your bleeding lip now.
“Stop doing this to yourself.”
His eyes are red and filled with tears as he watches you suck at your bleeding lip. He doesn’t want you to hurt anymore, but he also doesn’t want to see the way you keep trying to force yourself to feel something that just isn’t there.
“There's no shame in not loving me back. I know it hurts, Cassie, but… but you don’t have to do this to yourself. Please, just take a breath and step back for a moment.”
You look down onto your still filled plate and let go of your lip. The blood trickles down your chin and you gulp down the iron tasting blood that was in your mouth.
“Cassie…”
He watches as you let go of your lip, the blood still slowly dripping onto your plate. He’s getting increasingly worried about you, but he doesn’t know how to say it.
“You’re going to hurt yourself, Cassie. And I can’t let you do that, okay?” His voice is soft now, filled with desperation as he watches you gulp down your own blood. He wants to comfort you so badly, but doesn’t know how… and it’s killing him inside.
“But you’re hurting more than I am”
“Yes. But I’m hurting because you’re hurting. Can’t you see how much pain you’re causing yourself? That’s causing me pain too. It has to stop, Cassie. Please don’t keep hurting yourself.”
He pulls out a napkin and gently wipes away the blood from your face and hands. It’s not much, but it’s something at least.
“Can you do this for me? Just take a step back, please.”
You take a deep sigh and stare into the distance. Take a step back…
“Can you promise me you’ll take a step back? Please?” He's desperate now, his voice sounding so soft.
He sees you stare into the distance, looking as if you're in shock. And for many reasons, you probably are. You tried so hard to force yourself into love and it didn’t work. Everything you did was for nothing.
"Do you want me to take you home, Cas?", he asks gently, still looking at you from across the table.
You sigh again and simply nod, not looking at him.
His heart breaks as you nod. He stands up and offers you his hand as he pulls you to your feet. Your movements are slow... sluggish.
“It's okay, Cassie. There's nothing to be ashamed of. Just… let's just go home and take a break from all of this, okay?”
You nod in response again, feeling even more numb than before. But you can't say anything. You don't know what to say.
———
The sun is finally setting and you're sitting in your room, completely silent. It's clear that these past few weeks weren't kind to you, and now you're back where you started. You thought that if you spent more time together, he could make you fall in love with him.
But it didn't work out that way.
You just sit there and stare at the wall in front of you. You can't seem to think about anything else than all the hurt you've caused him over this whole ordeal.
You get startled when your phone rings and you get ripped out of your thoughts.
"Hello?"
You answer the phone with your usual pleasant voice, but deep down you know exactly who the call is from. And you really don't feel like speaking to him right now, but you will. For him, you'll do just about anything.
"Hello... Cassie?"
His voice is soft and kind as he speaks to you. A part of you wishes you could say "I love you too", but you know that'd only hurt you both in the long run.
“Yeah… yeah it’s me”, you confirm, voice sounding defeated.
You can hear him sigh from the other end of the line as he speaks to you. You know that sigh too well, it means that he understands you. He knows exactly how you're feeling right now and how much you've struggled.
"Look, I wanted to talk to you. Can I... Can I come over?" He asks softly. You get a sinking feeling in your stomach, because you know what he wants to talk about. You're not sure if you can handle it after all those weeks of disappointment.
“Maybe…”, you wanted to say ‘Maybe you shouldn’t’, but couldn’t bring it over yourself to reject him. So you go silent again.
"Please..." His tone sounds desperate and he doesn't even try to hide it.
You can feel your heart break a little as you look out of your window and notice the dark, cloud-covered sky outside. It's clear that it's going to be a rainy night. Just like your mood.
You feel exhausted, your emotions drained from the failed attempt of feeling what he felt for you. But for him, you'll do just about anything. So you give in and agree to have him come over.
“Be careful”, you say as you agree with him coming to your place.
"I will, Cassie."
There's relief in his voice as you agree to let him come over. He just wants to be back with you. Even though he's not entirely sure what this conversation is going to entail, he just wants to be with you again.
He soon hangs up. You go back to your thoughts and once again stare out of your window. You've made your choice, but it might not have been the smartest decision you've ever made.
“I love you”, you test the words on your tongue, just to hear how it would sound from your lips.
Your heart flutters as you whisper those words to yourself.
"I love you too.", is what you should say, but you're afraid of the consequences that may bring. You can't bring yourself to break his heart all over again and make him see that his efforts were in vain.
Instead, you stay silent, hoping that maybe, just maybe, you can somehow fall hard for him before he has another chance to say anything.
But there's still time left before he comes over is there enough time for you to force yourself once again?
“Lando. I love you”, you try a second time.
"I love you too." Is what you should be saying, but once again, you keep your lips sealed.
As you say his name, you watch as your mind tries to find an alternative way to show him your appreciation. You know how much he wants to be loved... maybe there's another way?
But it doesn't seem like it and that's terrifying. What if you can't make yourself feel what he feels for you? What if this whole thing really goes awry? Can you bear to break his heart completely?
You look at the clock and think you still have a bit of time before Lando is here. It has started to pour outside but you didn’t care as you left your apartment and ran down the street to the tiny florist store.
Your heart is pounding in your chest as you run to the flower shop. What are you doing? What are you thinking? Can you really do this?
All your thoughts are a blur, as you run in through the shop door and start to search for flowers that might be able to express what you're currently feeling.
"Aww... what do you want these for?" The store owner asks as you put a bouquet of irises on the counter. "Just a present" is your vague answer, as you rush for your credit card.
You quickly thank her before exiting the store. As you make your way back you see Lando entering the building your apartment is in and you are quick to call his name.
"Lando?!"
He looks up as he walks into the building, then stops in his tracks when you call out for him. His face lights up in surprise, but quickly changes to worry when he sees the flowers you're carrying.
You can tell that he's desperate to hear what you have to say at that moment. His love for you hangs on a fine thread, and one wrong word... one simple wrong word, and it could all come crashing down.
The rain is pouring on your small figure as you hold the bouquet of flowers in your arms
Lando looks at you, soaked in the rain and holding that bouquet of flowers. His heart is racing just like yours. He wants to know... he needs to know... but he can't bear the thought that your answer might make him feel even more hurt.
He walks up to you and takes the bouquet, looking at it with curiosity. "These are cute... but why did you get them? For who?" He asks softly before glancing down at the flowers again.
“These are for you. I thought….”, you get quieter and look at the flowers
"For me?"
He smiles slightly as he looks at the flowers. He can't help but get excited by your answer. Maybe... maybe this is it. Maybe you really have changed your mind and fallen in love with him after all.
"You got these for me?" His voice is filled with hope. He just wants to hear you say it. He hopes you won't break his heart again. His whole world is on your words right now.
“I thought you might like them”, you look into his eyes as the rain has soaked you both completely by now.
"I do like them, Cas. You're so sweet, I love them."
He smiles again and leans forward, his voice getting softer.
"Is there... is there anything else you want to tell me? Anything else you want to say to me, Cas?"
And he holds his breath as he waits patiently, desperately wanting you to say the word he's been hoping for these past few weeks.
“I-“, you cut yourself off. Should you say it now even though you didn’t mean it? Should you really break his heart?
Your heart skips a beat as Lando still looks at you, waiting, hoping for you to say what he's been so desperate to hear.
What do you do now? Say it or not? You don't love him, but he loves you... You can't break his heart. You just can't. If you break up, just think of the pain you'll cause him! How could you do that to another person, especially someone so gentle and kind.
You remain speechless as the rain still pours over you and Lando.
You let the flowers fall to the ground carelessly as you reduce the distance between you both and wrap your arms around him. Before he could react your lips lay on his.
Everything happens so fast. You hold onto him, your skin pressed against his, your lips pressed against his. And all of this while you're still soaked in the rain.
You close your eyes and try to forget about everything else. You just want to be with him and you can't let anything stop you now. Not even the pouring rain.
But... are you acting on instinct, or is this for real? There's still a tiny seed of doubt in your mind, wondering if you've made the biggest mistake of your life.
You press your lips harder against his, as if to force his love into yourself and let your tongue slip into his mouth.
A shiver runs all the way through his body as you press your lips even harder against his. You're pushing yourself over the edge. You can't back out now.
His mouth presses against yours before his tongue joins yours in a sensual dance. Just hearing the sound of rain and thunder outside.
There's an intensity to your kissing... one he's never felt before. Could you be... falling in love with him after all?
His heart skips a beat as his mind is filled with thoughts of what this could mean. Could it really be possible? Is she finally falling in love with him? Did his efforts not go in vain? His whole world rests on this one moment.
He holds you close, pressing his body even more into yours as his tongue dances with yours. This feels... real. Is it real?
He pulls away slightly, just enough to meet your eyes. But he won't speak now. He wants to hear what you have to say first.
“Lando”, you breath and look at his lips before letting your gaze shift into his eyes. His eyes full of love…
"...Yes, Cas?"
His voice is filled with anticipation as he waits for your response. Everything hangs on this one word... what is it that you have to say to him?
He watches you silently... his heart racing... as you look at his lips and then his eyes. What do you have to say to him? What will change his entire world? His heart is in your hands.
“I’m sorry…”, is what you then whisper against his lips
Your words hit him like a punch in the gut, as he takes in your words.
"Why.... why are you sorry, Cas? What did you do wrong?"
He tries to smile, to hide the pain in his voice as he tries to figure out what you're apologizing for. He wants to pretend it's for something else... because he's scared about what could come next.
“I think I cannot love you…”, and as you say that, your heart breaks into pieces. Your honesty is going to be the death of you.
His heart drops as you say your words, his eyes filling with tears. "You're... what... w-what do you mean, Cassie?"
He looks at you nervously, wanting so badly to hear something else. But his worst fear has come true... you can't love him at this point. And that's something that'll destroy him. He knows if you tell him, then you'll never come back.
His hands rest on your shoulders, trying to hold on to you. He doesn't want to let you go... especially not now. You're all he has.
“I tried… I tried it. It just doesn’t make me feel anything”, you cry.
You've broken him. You've completely destroyed his heart. He stares at you with tears in his eyes as he tries to understand what you're telling him.
"You tried... You tried what, Cas? You tried to love me?"
He keeps staring at you, trying to make sense of what you're saying. How can this be? After just a few weeks, how could you make him love you so much and then go back on it?
He wants to yell at you... scream... hurt you. But instead, he just stands there in shock.
“I tried. Every fucking day, I tried. But it feels wrong. It feels wrong and that doesn’t make sense. I want to love you but my feelings just won’t let me”, your eyes glisten with tears as you speak
You can see the pain in his face as your words cut deep into his soul. You can see how much that hurt him, how deep those words hit him. It was as if all of this time, all of your efforts... were for nothing.
He takes a few breaths, trying to comprehend what just happened. "How... how does it feel wrong?"
He needs to know... to understand why. He wants to save this, make the past few weeks worth it in the end. If he understands, if he does it right... maybe you'll change your mind again.
“It feels hollow”
Those words cut deep into his heart and he slowly nods. You've already destroyed him and now these words are destroying him even more.
"So... we can't be together?" He asks you softly, trying to find some kind of hope in your words. He doesn't want to hear the truth... he just wants to hear that this was all just a big mistake.
And you can hear that desperation in his voice. He just wants this to be a big joke. But it's not... it's real. All of this is real, just like your words of rejection.
“We can be! I can still try! We have enough time and maybe…. maybe if you give me a little more time, I could… I could”, you couldn’t even say it indirectly anymore
"No... No, you can't, Cas..."
His eyes still fill with tears as he just takes a moment to think.
"If you could, you'd already feel it. You've already tried and you can't..."
He can't even say it himself, but he has to tell you the truth so that this doesn't hurt even more later. He can't let you waste your time on a lost cause, hoping for something that will never come true.
He holds your hand and his voice is soft as he looks into your eyes again. "You can't, Cassie."
And that was when it hit you. You couldn’t love him. And your whole world crumbled. “No.”, you shook your head. “No, no, no, no, no!”, you screamed
He flinches as you scream in despair and that was when it set in with him as well. He starts to understand what your words meant.
He can't believe what's happening, he just can't. This isn't real. It can't be. What about all that time he spent trying to make you love him? What about all those nights where he lay awake worrying about what his future would look like, without you by his side? What about all of those times where you gave him hope?
And now... now you're taking it away from him.
You were a crying mess and screaming your soul out, the rain barely covering your pain
"No... no... no... please..." You scream as tears run down your face. It feels like your heart is getting crushed as you beg for this to stop. You don't want this to be happening... you don't want to lose him, but your heart refuses to cooperate with you.
You don't know what to do. You just want to go back in time and force yourself to love him. You wish you were a normal girl, with normal needs and desires. But you're not and you... you just want to be normal.
You fall onto the ground, the water gathered on the street soaking you even more but you couldn’t care less. You were losing Lando and it ripped you apart
"Cas..." He kneels down next to you and tries to comfort you. He wraps his arm around you and wipes the tears from your face. Even though he's hurting just as much as you are, he still cares enough about you to try and make you feel a bit better.
"Please... please don't cry, Cas. It hurts me too much as well."
He wants to hold you, comfort you... make you feel wanted and loved. But now, it seems like the most he can do is just try and stop you from feeling so hopeless.
You shake uncontrollably. But as you feel his arms around you something inside of you snaps. You push him away from you and get up to your feet again. “GET AWAY FROM ME!”
You push him away, your face full of tears. He looks at you in shock, trying to understand why you suddenly snapped.
"Get away from me!" You scream at him, your voice filled with pain. It seems like your heart can't take the pain anymore and it's turned you into someone you never wanted to be.
"I NEED TO BE ALONE! JUST GET AWAY!" You yell at him, pushing him aside before running out into the rain. His eyes fill with shock and he doesn't hesitate as he runs after you.
"Cassie, wait!" He runs after you, hoping to catch up with you before you get too far away.
"Cassie, stop! Don't go... please..." He's not angry. He doesn't yell at you for running. Instead, he's just afraid that you're going to do something that could hurt you even more. He only wants to help you and be there for you. But he's not enough. He can't save you like this.
You try to run faster until you reach the beach. The sand slowing you down immediately.
The beach is empty tonight, rain slowly pouring from the skies. There's no one here but you and him.
"Cas, wait... please." He catches up with you, but you push him out of the way and walk even faster.
"Don't go! Please let me explain..."
He tries to hold your hand, but you pull away. His eyes fill with fear and concern as he looks at you.
"Why?" Is all he says... and even that doesn't hide the pain he feels at that moment.
“Don’t you understand? I can’t love you! Stop chasing something that will only hurt you! I’m hurting you! And i don’t want that so GO!”, you yell as loud as you could
He stops in his tracks as the rain pours around him.
"Don't do this, Cas. You can't just push me out of your life." The expression in his eyes, the way he looks at you with such emotion... it almost hurts you.
You know that he still loves you after all these weeks, even after your rejection. He'd still do anything for you, even if it means being hurt over and over again.
You stop for a moment... and look at him... and you feel it. Your heart starts to race.
Your whole body heats up, it feels like you would ignite in flames every minute. Your heart beats uncontrollably as he stands in front of you, so much desperation but also Love in his eyes. You finally realize. It finally clicks…
You feel as if your whole world has stopped. You look at him and all the words you want to say are stuck deep within your heart. But then you realize that he can see the answers in your eyes.
He tries to speak, but he can't say a word. Instead, he pulls you close and kisses you.
Your heart skips a beat as you suddenly feel your emotions being taken out of control. And then... it happens. You're back where you were just weeks ago.
A kiss. One simple kiss and everything changes.
You cry against his lips and feel your heart pounding. It beats as if it never did that before. But now it only beat for Lando…
Your hearts beat as one and you kiss him with an intensity you never thought it was capable of. You're scared, excited, nervous... your entire body feels alive.
He holds you close and your world narrows down to just you and him. Everything else around you disappears.
The rain falls on you while your hearts beat as one. Everything is perfect... and you don't ever want this to end.
He kisses you back, his lips soft but passionate. For a moment, all your doubts fade away and you're left with just the two of you, together in a world of their own.
In that moment... everything makes sense. You know exactly what you have to do. What you've always wanted to do.
You want this to never end and even if this moment just lasts forever with you and Lando... that would be enough. The rest would be just a bonus.
Another story will be uploaded soon. I couldn’t help myself and it ended with a 9.6k onehshot…. yeah
Iris | ln4
———
TEASER
As you make your way back you see Lando entering the building your apartment is in and you are quick to call his name.
"Lando?!"
He looks up as he walks into the building, then stops in his tracks when you call out for him. His face lights up in surprise, but quickly changes to worry when he sees the flowers you're carrying.
You can tell that he's desperate to hear what you have to say at that moment. His love for you hangs on a fine thread, and one wrong word... one simple wrong word, and it could all come crashing down.
The rain is pouring on your small figure as you hold the bouquet of flowers in your arms
Lando looks at you, soaked in the rain and holding that bouquet of flowers. His heart is racing just like yours. He wants to know... he needs to know... but he can't bear the thought that your answer might make him feel even more hurt.
"Is there... is there anything else you want to tell me? Anything else you want to say to me?"
And he holds his breath as he waits patiently, desperately wanting you to say the word he's been hoping for these past few weeks.
Your heart skips a beat as Lando still looks at you, waiting, hoping for you to say what he's been so desperate to hear.
What do you do now? Say it or not? You don't love him, but he loves you... You can't break his heart. You just can't.
„It's clear to me now that there is no future for us. There never was.“
———
Nothing big, just some doodles I did this morning. Oh and very very very toxic! Max. It kinda got out of hand (just a little bit)
Max Verstappen x reader!race engineer (not gender-specified & nameless
warnings: toxic! relationship; mention of cheating, angst!
3.5k words
———
You were one of Max’s most important engineers. This time he crashed because of some car problems. He was so pissed off after that no one even dared coming close to him.
He walked into the RedBull garage losing his temper more and more and everyone chose silence for their own good.
Suddenly he pointed at you not even looking at you and speaking with a harsh tone.
"My room. Now."
You looked around, hoping he meant someone else but as everyone had their shocked eyes on you, you gulped and followed the angered dutchman.
You entered his driver room where Max was waiting for you, the atmosphere being tense and uncomfortable.
The moment you two were in private Max leaned towards you and his expression changed from anger to something else…
“I’m sorry”, you whisper, even though it wasn’t exactly your fault.
"Shut up", he replied with a serious expression on his face.
"You'll fix this car within an hour, I don't want to hear any excuses. I'm not going to waste my time, go work."
As he spoke he stepped towards you.
You blink multiple times, feeling a heavy feeling inside your stomach due to his harsh words.
Max's expression was stern and serious, as he walked towards you but this time he rested his hand on your cheek and looked you in the eyes. He was silent for a moment and then he whispered.
"You're lucky that you're pretty you little thing."
He stared directly at you without breaking contact, the tension between you two becoming unbearable.
“What?”, you whisper, not quite believing what was happening.
Max's eyes kept fixed on yours while he leaned closer to your face.
"You heard me," he said in a low voice, his gaze is intense and eyes shining.
His attitude has become very flirtatious.
“Yeah, but…”, your voice trailed off the moment your eyes fell upon his lips, looking so soft and kissable
He noticed your eyes trailing down and when your eyes met again there was a hint of a smile on his face.
He got even closer to your face and placed his hand on the top of your neck as he looked deeply in your eyes.
"You know you want this, sweet thing." he said, voice becoming lower with every passing second.
“But you have a girlfriend”, your voice is nothing more than a whisper as you mention her
Max doesn't seem to care at all about the fact he's in a committed relationship
"Forget about her,", he whispers into your ear, "She's not here."
He leaned forward, moving closer to your face, and his hot breath on your neck almost made you lose control of yourself.
"Can you keep a secret?..", he asks in a tempting voice, "Kelly alone doesn't satisfy me."
You gulp and look into his eyes. “She doesn’t?”, you ask, feeling like a deer in headlights.
"I've been with Kelly for a long time but she isn't enough for me." He kept looking directly into your eyes and his face came closer to yours.
"I think you know it and want me too. Just admit it."
His breathing became heavier and his lips were starting to part.
“You shouldn’t be talking so ungrateful about other people when they’re not in the room”, you whisper, eyes trailing between his eyes and lips.
"It's your turn to be quiet..." Max whispered.
He pushed you back slightly so that your back hit the wall. Looking you in the eyes he then moved his lips slowly towards yours. You could feel his warm breath brushing your face.
It seemed like all your problems in the world had disappeared. You couldn’t think clearly, only the two of you in this moment was what mattered.
He pulled you close, his lips slowly moving towards yours.
As they touched yours, a tingling feeling fell over your body, making you forget about the whole world.
He smiled, breathing heavily as he moved his hand away from your cheek, pulling you closer until you are completely against the wall.
"Can we keep this secret?", he murmured in your ear.
You swallowed hard. You knew how this would end but you couldn’t help the slight disappointment that made your stomach turn. “Yes”, was what you quietly answered.
He smirked seductively. "I'm glad you think like that... I wanted this for a long time."
His voice broke when he said the last part, eyes filled with emotion and lust.
Max lifted your chin up and ran his fingers through your hair as he kissed you again.
Your heart was beating so fast as well as your breathing that became rapid as you leaned into his body and lost yourself in the moment.
“Will you tell Kelly?”, you asked, voice slightly laced with hope.
"No. You're the only one I want to know. What’s the purpose of a secret if not this?"
His eyes were glued on your lips and his breathing became heavy once again.
Max was still holding your chin between his fingers, kissing you passionately.
Your mind went blank as your whole body was being filled with sensations you never felt before.
You’re going to be his secret affair…
Sadness crawled upon your chest but everything you could concentrate on for now were his lips passionately pressing against yours.
Max noticed your slight change in demeanor.
"Don't think about her, just think about the two of us. We're going to have some fun."
His hands ran up your back and down to your waist pulling you even closer to his body.
Hands slowly moving towards your chest, his fingers massaging your skin as you watch him looking at you with desire.
He started kissing your neck and moved his hand further down until it came to touch the bottom of your shirt.
"I have a lot of secrets, but now I have one more..."
Looking into your eyes he grinned seductively. You felt goosebumps all over your body as his hand remained hovering over the hem of your shirt.
"Are you ready for me?", he whispered.
———
Max lay on top of you, breathing heavily and smiling at you, while trying to not put his full weight on you.
He kissed you again and then ran his fingers through your soft curls.
"That was amazing," he said, "You’re definitely a secret worth keeping."
He placed a kiss to your forehead and stroked your hair ever so gently.
"I could do this all the time."
You tried to gulp down the pain that was hurting every part of your body and just smiled up at Max. “It was amazing”
"This will be our little secret, okay?", he muttered.
He looked straight into your eyes while whispering. "I know you enjoyed it as much as me"
He still caressed your hair and face gently.
You would lie if you said you didn’t like it. But the fact he didn’t want anything more serious and still dated another woman made you feel bad, uncomfortable even.
He noticed the look on your face, turning it towards him to get a better view of your facial features.
"Don't think too much about it, I'm sure Kelly will never know."
He went back to caressing your hair.
"Would you like another round?", he asked, a teasing tone in his voice.
You stayed silent for a moment, unsure of what to answer.
He lowered his head to your ear and mumbled again. "Just one more and then I promise we'll be done. You'd like that, wouldn't you?"
His hand now caressing your neck, making you feel weak and submissive.
Eventually, you gave in… again.
Max smiled at you as you gave him what he wanted.
He started with kissing your neck and moving his mouth towards your collarbone.
He was using all his tricks on you to drive you crazy.
He kissed your shoulder ever so softly and pulled your hair gently, lips close to your ear as he whispered breathily.
———
"Who knows, you might fall for me and we might end up together. Right?", he said after coming down from his high.
That was the moment your attention returned. “What?”
He laughed and ran his hand across your stomach. "I'm kidding, you looked like you believed that for a second."
His eyes locked with yours again.
"Don't worry, it's just a casual hookup, nothing serious, you know that."
He turned to lay on his back.
"So, how was it this second time? Better than the first?"
You felt like throwing up. How he messed with your feelings and didn’t seem to care at all. You averted your gaze and swallowed down the tears. You simply nodded at his question
Max's smile disappeared and he looked at you with a more serious expression on his face.
"Listen, I don't know why you get so sad."
He stroked your hair again and spoke with a comforting voice. "We're just having some fun together, there is nothing wrong about it. Do you think I'm a bad person for enjoying what you also enjoy?"
His face was close to yours as he looked you in the eyes.
“You’re playing with me”, you whisper, voice trembling. “You know what I feel for you goes beyond just having fun“
"I like you, but I love Kelly. I can't have anything serious with you. So either we keep it this way and you stop complaining every time, or this will be our last time."
His expression was serious and his tone strict.
"You are the one who chose to have this fun with me, you knew full well what it meant. So no, I'm not playing with you, you just don't want to listen to me and live in your fantasies."
After a brief silence, his voice became calm again.
"Don't cry, baby. I'm sorry if I sound cruel but you're going to have to accept it. This is not going to become anything more than just some fun." His look became soft again and he started caressing your cheek with his thumb.
"Now come here" he whispers while pulling you closer to him.
"I can make you feel better.."
You felt hollow as tears streamed down your face. You could practically feel your heart breaking.
"C'mon, baby." He pulled you against his body and wiped away your tears with his hand.
"It's okay, no reason to cry because of me, I'm not the right guy for you and you know that."
He kept whispering in a soft tone as he played with your hair, seeming to want to comfort you even though your sadness is partly his fault.
"I know Kelly is nothing like me, but she's a good woman and she really loves me. She's the love of my life."
You almost sobbed, hurting even more with every word he was saying.
"Look, things are not the way you wanted, but I'm having so much fun with you and you shouldn't be sad because of that."
He kissed your cheek.
"Can we leave this behind? I swear you'll be smiling in a few minutes."
He did his best to make you feel better, his eyes filled with care for you and wanting to make you happy again.
You gulp down every ounce of pain before closing your eyes to stop the tears.
He wants something emotionless and just for fun? You thought before freeing yourself from his grasp and straddled his lap.
The moment you got on top of him, his eyes were fixed on you, studying your every move as you got closer to his lips.
He seemed to like what he saw.
"You want to have some fun after all… right, baby?" he chuckled in a teasing tone.
You didn’t answer, ignoring the pain and the way your heart shattered even more with every second and just pressed your lips against his, numbing all the pain.
Max kissed you back passionately as he ran his hands through your hair. You could feel the heat of the moment as you both lost control.
Grip tightening as he pulled you closer, his whole attention on you as he continued to kiss you with desire.
He gently switched you around so you were laying with your back pressed on the bed as his kisses became more and more demanding with every second.
His lips were moving slowly across your neck and his hands kept running through your hair and over your back.
This moment felt like it was lasting forever, your mind gone completely blank, not thinking about anything but Max‘s lips on you.
———
Months have passed since you and Max started this affair, hooking up almost every day since then.
You learned to control your feelings and wrapped your heart in a cocoon, away from Max not very affectionate treatment.
Your relationship with Max was a secret, it being intense and full of passion and you enjoying every moment of it.
Max was never really tender or romantic with you, every meeting he was all about the fun aspect of the relationship and your feelings never being put above anything.
One day, as you went to his hotel room you noticed him looking different than usual.
You recognized some flowers in the corner. He seemed concerned.
“What is going on?”, you ask while getting out of your RedBull jacket, placing it on the small bench next to the door.
He didn’t answer you as he remained looking at the wall with a serious expression on his face.
You took a closer look at the flowers noticing their label, as it read: "For Kelly".
You look around more while you noticed Max seeming busy preparing something. You couldn’t quite tell what it was, but you saw a box and he appeared as to want to hide it from you.
Your breath got caught in your throat but you tried your best to not let your feelings overwhelm you. “I see. You want me to go?”, you simply asked.
He finally looked over at you, seeming quite awkward while he tried hard to find the right words to say.
"There is no easy way saying this, so I'll just say it... Kelly and I are getting married.“
His expression looked quite sad and he appeared to be ashamed of himself for having an affair with you while Kelly was his girlfriend.
"I can't make this work between us anymore, I'm deeply in love with Kelly."
You inhaled as you felt a bitter taste inside your mouth. You knew this moment was coming for a while now, but you never wanted it to actually become true.
You simply nodded and shot him a small smile. “I understand. Well, congratulations then.”
He looked at you for a few seconds, remaining silent.
"Thank you, but if you don't mind I would like to give you something special before this is over."
He smiled and started wrapping something in a box. "It's nothing much, just a small gift."
You look at him, slightly confused but also curious. After some time he handed over the wrapped box and said: "I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed the time we spent together."
He continued smiling in a warm way.
"You should open it once you're in your hotel room, okay?"
You nod and gave him one last small glance before turning around and walking towards the door.
He didn’t say anything as he watched you leaving.
The minute you were in your room, you opened the box and found a beautiful necklace inside.
A note besides the gift read:
"Thank you for an amazing time together"
You’ve got mixed feelings as you read the note. Being glad this affair was over, but you would also miss those days spent together with Max.
And after you put the necklace on and looked at it in the mirror, you couldn’t help the tears starting to fall.
“I know you never loved me, but it still hurts”, you mumble.
You sat on your bed completely broken.
Even though you knew this was just a fun little affair with no feelings attached, you couldn’t stop hurting once it got serious with Kelly while you and him were together.
You didn’t want to admit it, but a small part of you wished Max would at least show some feelings for you, his words didn't seem to be enough to ease your pain.
Soon the tears started running down your cheeks and you were sobbing hardly on your bed, looking like fury.
After crying your eyes out for a while, you finally decided to get some strength and stop letting him control your feelings.
Taking a shower and getting ready to leave the hotel, you were going to return back home today.
There was no point of staying here any longer. Not when you saw Max with Kelly, knowing your feelings weren’t appreciated here.
As you left the hotel room, you felt the cold metal of the necklace around your neck, making you think about him again.
Your feet stopped near his door. You considered going to him one more time for an explanation and to ask him why.
You were confused and all your feelings came flowing back, even though you knew that nothing would change. Max doesn't think about you as more than a fuck-buddy.
The moment you stood in front of his door and rose your hand to knock you hesitated. You didn’t want to bother him anymore and just wanted him to be happy. You knew he couldn’t be that with you.
So you glanced at his door one last time before leaving.
You took one final look and then walked away.
It hurt. You were still hurting badly, but you knew this was the best for everyone involved.
As you left the hotel you heard footsteps coming from behind. Taking a look you saw Max approaching you with fast steps.
For a moment you thought he was going to stop you when he stood still in front of you.
He searched for your eyes and smiled but his expression was different than usual.
"Is everything okay?", he asked in a slightly confused tone.
You didn’t really know what to say as he noticed the necklace.
"Is that my present? Do you like it?" he asked, voice full of hope.
You simply nodded and clung to your luggage. “It’s beautiful, thank you.“
His face lit up and he looked relieved.
"I'm glad you like it, it's the least I can give you."
He stared at the necklace for a few seconds before looking into your eyes again
"I wanted to say, I've had a lot of fun with you. You're amazing."
You closed your eyes and tried not to cry again due to hearing those words coming from him.
His eyes were full of care for you as if he could sense your pain.
"Listen, I didn't mean for things to go this way. I'm sorry if I was hurtful. We knew what we were doing, right? I just wanted to have some fun. I didn't want you to get attached."
He sighed, searching for your eyes again, hoping you’d understand him.
"I'm sorry for how things turned out."
“I always loved you.“, you began after gaining a bit more self-control. “But I want you to be happy and I know that Kelly is the one for you. So I’m happy if you are”, you smiled weakly.
He grinned as your words sank in his mind.
"Kelly has always been my priority, it's just that… Sometimes you're so beautiful it makes things confusing for me. But it's clear to me now that there is no future for us. There never was."
He took a look at you and shook his head slowly.
"Now don't make it harder than it really is.
You know there is nothing I can do but there will always be a special place in my heart for you.“
You nodded and bit down your lip, trying to prevent the tears from falling. “I think it would be the best for us if I left.”
"You're right. Unfortunately there is no better way." He looked at you for a few seconds before stepping closer and wrapping his arms around you.
"Don't be too sad. What we had was amazing and you're an amazing person. This was going to end sooner or later. It's life."
He looked at you trying to ease the sadness in your eyes.
"But you'll find someone who will love you the way you deserve." His words seemed to be genuine.
You smiled at him and let one tear fall. “I hope you’re right.”
"I know I'm right."
His tone was firm and he appeared to be quite sure about you finding someone new and great.
"But now it's time to go, we shouldn't spend more time together. You know how this works. It would just complicate things even more."
He took a glance at the necklace around your neck one last time and then smiled.
"Keep this, please. I want you to think of everything that happened whenever you see it and remember it with a smile."
You nod and take a step back. “Goodbye, Max”, you said before turning around and walking away. "Goodbye“, he mumbled.
He watched you as you left and couldn’t help but feeling a sense of sadness because he won't be seeing you again.
He will move on with his life, now fully dedicated to Kelly.
Yesterday I was on my way to the doctor but then the first time I realized how the street was called. Muggelstraße is German an means Mugglestreet. Lol.
gracieabrams
areudirty
amandla
blakekathryn
