My Somewhat Of A Blog type thing

Hello! Welcome to my probably really boring blog! :D hahaha if you are here I think that's really cool and I'm happy you decided to look! My blog consists of generally other things that I find interesting or cool or funny or weird or awesome! :) I'd love for you to ask me anything even if it's just to say hi! It'll brighten my day a ton! Thanks for stopping by!!

[zohbugg]

When cleaning I found a joke book from when I was a kid.

[dutchstore]

[smallrooms]

[iraffiruse]

[sarahujmaia]

[coolseemer-blog]

alt+j will never be able to make another song

[turklet]

i’m the guy eating crackers

[emo-ontario]

[tastefullyoffensive]

[today-ifuckedup]

Today, I fucked up... by throwing my steak out a window

Last night, my wife’s boss from her brand new job invited us over for dinner. On the drive over, my wife reiterated many times to me just how important it was to make a good impression.

I scoffed and arrogantly informed my silly wife that I always make good impressions.

My wife’s boss is a single lady in her fifties, so it was just the three of us. We chitchatted over drinks and salads and seemed to really be hitting it off. She laughed at my well-timed, perfectly-appropriate jokes and my wife seemed pleased.

Soon she brought out the main course, a nice big juicy steak for each of us. As I began to cut into my steak, I was discouraged to discover how under cooked this steak was.

Now, I’ve had my fair share of rare steak. I prefer medium, but I can handle rare. This was several-minutes-on-a-hot-grill short of rare. I probably could’ve resuscitated the cow had I tried. Instead, I sat there fidgeting with my knife and fork, worrying about how I was going to get away with not eating this steak.

Claim vegan-ism? No, I’d already feigned great enthusiasm upon seeing the steak.

Just then, our hostess excused herself to the kitchen to take care of some dessert preparations. As I looked across the fancy dining room table at the open window of this 3rd story apartment… a cartoon light bulb appeared over my head.

I knew I had to be decisive, realizing that she could return at any moment. I committed. I grabbed the steak with my hand, gently shook off the juice and executed a perfect throw right through the center of the open window.

Here’s the big time FU. The window wasn’t open. It was the cleanest fricking window you’ve ever seen in your life. That is, until my mostly raw slab of steak slammed up against it and slowly slid down leaving a trail of bloody juice in its wake.

My wife - who’s steak was a nice medium rare and was unaware of my predicament - turned, jaw dropped, and stared at me like I was an alien from another planet. This look then slowly morphed into more of a there-is-no-place-on-this-planet-you-can-ever-hide-from-me expression of demonic anger.

My wife’s boss heard the thud of the steak-on-window impact and came quickly. She took in the scene, the steak sitting on the window sill, the blood trail, my empty plate, and then gave me an inquisitive, puzzled look.

I just didn’t know what to say. It felt like a minute of silence, but was probably 3 or 4 seconds. Finally, the best I could manage was “I… I’m so sorry. I am such a clutz… I don’t know… I was just cutting it.. and… it… … it slipped… just ask my wife, I really am a clutz… right honey?… (no help coming from that direction) … I will clean this up… I can’t believe this… I am so sorry” etc… etc…

Both women continued to stare at me like I had escaped from the loony bin, as I smeared the blood around the window with my cloth napkin, dusted off the steak, and continued to mutter my incoherent explanation. I knew no one was buying the story.

I knew what I had to do. I sheepishly returned to my seat and proceeded to eat every bite of that disgusting, cold, chewy, bloody, raw steak.

I remained pretty quiet the rest of the evening. My wife’s only two words to me since the incident are “I’m fine”.

TL;DR: Tried to sneakily throw my under-cooked steak through an open window… only to find out it wasn’t open.

Check out more TIFUs: Internet`s best fuck ups are here.

[today-ifuckedup]

Today, I fucked up... by farting next to my dog

So tonight the wife made Italian lasagna with garlic bread, it was delicious to the last bite. 2 large glasses of milk to wash it all down and I was ready to pass out for the night. I had just fed the puppy and she was finishing up her food as I plopped down onto the couch. 

I was laying facing towards the couch when I felt the burn and the pressure building, the compilation of smelly foods that I had devoured an hour ago was already sending it’s own “kaiju” in the Pacific rim sense, toward the portal to our world in my nether regions. Upon releasing my flatulence, I could tell it was a particularly foul smelling concoction as it literally burned when it passed through the poop shoot canal. I had not realized my dog had come over to see what the loud crack of noise was and decided on saying hello to me while she was there. I rolled over to see the final seconds of a face of complete and utter terror. I burst out laughing hilariously while apologizing to her but she was frozen in place. 

I don’t think anything could have ever prepared her for what she just had experienced. She eventually started to walk away and I rolled back over to rest and then I heard her retch. She puked everywhere on the area rug that my wife bought a few years ago. Guess she couldn’t handle the dutch oven she stuck her nose into any longer and just lost control of the dinner she just had. 

 Tldr: farted on my dog on accident, laughed hysterically, turned around, and she threw up all over the rug from what I can only determine to be the smell of halfway digested lasagna.

Check out more TIFUs: Internet`s best fuck ups are here.

[introspector]

[cat-in-the-cloud]

Mm I could go for some mother fucking sushi right now

[indiandaughter-deactivated20130]

i’ll pay you $7 to have a crush on me

[soniadiazflores]

Transition Words For Your Essays

Transition Signals:

Transitions are words and phrases that connect ideas and show how they are related.

To repeat and ideas just stated:

In other words,

That is,

To repeat,

Again,

To illustrate an idea:

For example,

For instance,

In particular,

To illustrate,

In this manner,

Thus,

To announce a contrast, a change in direction:

Yet,

However,

Still,

Nevertheless,

On the other hand,

In contrast,

Instead of,

On the contrary,

Conversely,

Notwithstanding,

In spite of this,

Time:

At once,

In the interim,

At length,

Immediately,

At last,

Meanwhile,

In the meantime,

Presently,

At the same time,

Shortly,

In the end,

Temporarily,

Thereafter,

To restate an idea more precisely:

To be exact,

To be specific,

To be precise,

More specifically,

More precisely,

To mark a new idea as an addition to what has been said:

Similarly,

Also,

Too,

Besides,

Furthermore,

Further,

Moreover,

In addition,

To show cause and effect:

As a result,

For this reason,

Thereafter,

Hence,

Consequently,

Accordingly,

Conclusion:

In short,

To conclude,

In brief,

On the whole,

In summary,

To sum up,

[savageapprentice]

Important

[jamblasian]

Reblogging again bc I need this at the moment

[jeopardylesbian]

“how do u sleep so much?” depression

“omg why do you stay up so late” depression

“how do you still manage to get everything done?” anxiety 

[bepeu-deactivated20171202]

i just need a hug(e amount of money)

[funnystories]

funny story

my sophomore year, i went to prom with a friend of mine who was an exchange student and also became prom queen. and when she was dancing with the king (a senior i barely knew), i ran to take pictures and tripped over my dress and smashed face first into his thigh in front of everyone watching them dance. i mean makeup on his pants and a bruise on my forehead. i saw him at the supermarket recently and smiled but didn’t say anything and he said “aren’t you the girl that broke my balls at prom last year?” i was with my father and i did not know what to say

[today-ifuckedup]

Today, I fucked up... by throwing my steak out a window

Last night, my wife’s boss from her brand new job invited us over for dinner. On the drive over, my wife reiterated many times to me just how important it was to make a good impression.

I scoffed and arrogantly informed my silly wife that I always make good impressions.

My wife’s boss is a single lady in her fifties, so it was just the three of us. We chitchatted over drinks and salads and seemed to really be hitting it off. She laughed at my well-timed, perfectly-appropriate jokes and my wife seemed pleased.

Soon she brought out the main course, a nice big juicy steak for each of us. As I began to cut into my steak, I was discouraged to discover how under cooked this steak was.

Now, I’ve had my fair share of rare steak. I prefer medium, but I can handle rare. This was several-minutes-on-a-hot-grill short of rare. I probably could’ve resuscitated the cow had I tried. Instead, I sat there fidgeting with my knife and fork, worrying about how I was going to get away with not eating this steak.

Claim vegan-ism? No, I’d already feigned great enthusiasm upon seeing the steak.

Just then, our hostess excused herself to the kitchen to take care of some dessert preparations. As I looked across the fancy dining room table at the open window of this 3rd story apartment… a cartoon light bulb appeared over my head.

I knew I had to be decisive, realizing that she could return at any moment. I committed. I grabbed the steak with my hand, gently shook off the juice and executed a perfect throw right through the center of the open window.

Here’s the big time FU. The window wasn’t open. It was the cleanest fricking window you’ve ever seen in your life. That is, until my mostly raw slab of steak slammed up against it and slowly slid down leaving a trail of bloody juice in its wake.

My wife - who’s steak was a nice medium rare and was unaware of my predicament - turned, jaw dropped, and stared at me like I was an alien from another planet. This look then slowly morphed into more of a there-is-no-place-on-this-planet-you-can-ever-hide-from-me expression of demonic anger.

My wife’s boss heard the thud of the steak-on-window impact and came quickly. She took in the scene, the steak sitting on the window sill, the blood trail, my empty plate, and then gave me an inquisitive, puzzled look.

I just didn’t know what to say. It felt like a minute of silence, but was probably 3 or 4 seconds. Finally, the best I could manage was “I… I’m so sorry. I am such a clutz… I don’t know… I was just cutting it.. and… it… … it slipped… just ask my wife, I really am a clutz… right honey?… (no help coming from that direction) … I will clean this up… I can’t believe this… I am so sorry” etc… etc…

Both women continued to stare at me like I had escaped from the loony bin, as I smeared the blood around the window with my cloth napkin, dusted off the steak, and continued to mutter my incoherent explanation. I knew no one was buying the story.

I knew what I had to do. I sheepishly returned to my seat and proceeded to eat every bite of that disgusting, cold, chewy, bloody, raw steak.

I remained pretty quiet the rest of the evening. My wife’s only two words to me since the incident are “I’m fine”.

TL;DR: Tried to sneakily throw my under-cooked steak through an open window… only to find out it wasn’t open.

[today-ifuckedup]

Today, I fucked up... by drinking coffee before my exam

So the events I’m about to describe happened last Monday during a college general chemistry exam. I woke up that Monday feeling confident in myself as I had been a good student and actually studied. I was going to be really early to my exam so I stopped by Starbucks to get some coffee to help me focus. Completely unaware of the horror that would ensue, I had completely drank the obnoxiously large cup by the time I got to class.

I walked into class and sat down in a row of seats with people on all sides of me and began my exam. After confidently breezing through the first part of my exam I immediately felt the most horrible gut wrenching feeling. I tensed up and it went away like I had hoped. Relieved, I happily went on to the word problem section but halfway through determining how much aspirin little Johnny can eat before he dies a screech equivalent to the tortured souls of the deepest pits of hell erupted from my bowls. Immediately I clenched my butt cheeks with all the force I could possibly muster until the imminent shit geyser had stopped. Successful, shaking vigorously, and now sweating from shear excruciating pain, I nervously looked up to see if anyone noticed only to see everyone in the class staring at me. Embarrassed and nervous I looked back down at my half finished exam saying every cuss word imaginable in my head. I would have to endure another 40 minutes of this because if you go to the bathroom during an exam you have to turn in your exam. I immediately sped through the exam and every 5 minutes my bowls never failed to let out a sound each louder and more horrible than the last. After 35 minutes of rushing through the exam I carefully made baby steps towards the professor careful not to set off the bomb in my lower gut. I handed in my exam and the professor gave me a reassuring nod. Relieved, I picked up my pace and headed towards the door. Upon opening the door I had awoken the sleeping beast inside my anus and it released a roar so load and mighty that it probably broke the sound barrier. This was no ordinary fart, as it was the most putrid, eye burning fart you can imagine mixed with a bit of shit. I then clenched my butt cheeks and waddled away from the seen of the crime with screams of sheer terror coming from the now oxygen starved room behind me. Most embarrassing day of my life.

TL;DR I drank coffee before my exam thinking it would help but it only made my stomach make the most horrible sound you can imagine. I finished my exam on my way out I farted the most putrid fart of my existence.

Edit: I actually ended up getting a 96 on my exam partially from a dramatic curve because almost everyone else failed. Nothing like asserting your dominance over your classmates by almost shitting your pants.

[pleatedjeans]

[pancakes-and-penguins]

This is the single best post I’ve ever seen.