So often in life we unconsciously begin to define ourselves by what we do. Our passions and drives are wonderful things, but we so often forget who we are underneath them. The realĀ essenceĀ of who we are isn't defined by our labels.
For a long time I defined myself by my dream. I lived, breathed (and worked) to be an actor. Most of my thoughts and energy would go towards the goal of reaching the next level of success within my profession. This kind of drive is what made life feel fast paced. I couldn't sit still for a moment and if I did, I would guilt trip myself for wasting time.
I've been having a rather different experience lately. Much like being on vacation.
It has been a long mental process but I've finally decided to try something new and move to Florida. The decision took time, my brain has been churning like ice cream. I defined and then redefined all the thoughts in my head over and over as to what I was suppose to do or what was the right thing to do.
The only way I was able to redefine myself was to ask the necessary questions and speak truthfully. Sometimes we change our minds about things without even realizing it. In the case of being in Los Angeles, I had to ask: Why am I an actor? What really matters to me? Is my current lifestyle exactly what I want it to be? ...and what can I do about it?
If there is one truth I've discovered in life, it is that almost every perspective has a way of being justified. When one quote makes me feel passionately about one thing, I'm always certain to find another which states theĀ oppositeĀ but makes me feel equally as passionate. So I've learn't that when faced with a decision, go with the one that makes you feel *insert positive feeling*.
Anyway, what I realized about my experience in Los Angeles is that it was no longer asĀ fulfillingĀ as I originally wanted it to be. I have always loved acting and creating. Feeling and expressing. But the reality was, I hadn't created something that I loved in a while. There seemed to be so many hoops to jump through. I focused more on making rent to 'be an actor' than actually being one. On the other end of the spectrum, when I did experience successes, I didn't have any loved ones close to share them with.
So I came to the conclusion that without the definition of 'Los Angeles Actress' I could be a lot happier. I feel a great weight lifted off my shoulders now, because I feel more free to explore. I can go anywhere I want without having to worry about missing an opportunity or audition back in Los Angeles. I can leave and be with the people who make me feel warm inside. I can dye my hair and not worry about getting new head shots and I can finally leave my nose piercing in for more than a week! All these things might sound silly, but they wereĀ restrictionsĀ I had to live with for a while. It is my opinion that any restriction that you know you have, will hover in your mind.. no matter how small.
Don't get me wrong, I'm still completely in love with acting. There is nothing moreĀ satisfyingĀ to me than submersing myself into another world. But my experience in Los Angeles seemed to take me further away from that fun. It became more about business and less about creating. So it was time to reevaluate!Ā
Today (without the definitions) I was able to take my time. It feels a little strange removing a way in which we define ourselves. For a long time I was 'an actor'. Almost everything I did was toward that goal. I think it can be scary for people to remove their definitions, because then, what are they left with? The silence in your head can be uncomfortable at first. It takes a while to really believe that you don't have to be anywhere or do anything. You can just enjoy living and take your time. I'm experiencing this for the first time in a long time, and I can vouch, it is quite pleasant.
