Corporate Bullshit Death Spiral

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MEMO: Time zones are deprecated to increase synchronous spontaneity. All meetings now scheduled in “Company Time”, based on executive wakefulness, market volatility and “vibe”. Yesterday was 34 hours. Tomorrow we’ll redo Tuesday. Your calendar will auto-update. Payroll adjustments WIP. #cbds #tech

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We love our customers. We do not touch them. HR has been clear. #cbds #tech #culture #hr

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Employee Handbook Section 7.2: Birthday Celebrations. Acknowledgment mandatory. Singing volume below 75dB will trigger ‘reinvestigation of cultural fit’. #cbds #culturefit #employeehandbook

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All plants now receive monthly 1:1s with our new Head of Botanical Resources. #cbds #tech #vision #officeplant

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Preliminary data suggests high-performing flora correlates with 4% increase in human worker "vibe receptivity." We are exploring reverse: whether underperforming employees improve when seated near overperforming ferns. Early results: mixed. One employee asked to be "repotted near the window." #cbds

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Our Ficus in Accounting (employee ID: 8847-B) has been flagged for "consistently underperforming" — 0.3cm growth in Q2 against a target of 1.2cm. It has been placed on a Performance Improvement Plan and moved to a window-adjacent "stretch role.” #cbds #tech #innovation #accounting #officeplant

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The Snake Plant in Sales exceeded wilting expectations and has been promoted to Biophilic Wellness Lead, overseeing three junior succulents. #cbds #officeplant #plant #tech #innovation

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After 18 months of R&D, we're proud to announce company-wide Plant Performance Indexing. Every photosynthetic team member now carries quarterly OKRs: growth velocity, leaf engagement, and ambient oxygen contribution. #cbds #tech #innovation #plant #performance

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"We growth hacked our Glassdoor rating by making leaving employees sign 'I loved it here' as their password to get their final check" #cbds #tech #innovation #growthhack

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Zoom Introduces 'Authenticity Filter' AI now generates real-time fake smiles, sympathetic eyebrow movements, and "mm-hmm" nods synchronized to speaker cadence. #cbds #tech #innovation #zoom

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People don’t buy your product. They buy a narrative in which they are the kind of person who buys your product. #cbds #tech #leadership #product

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We've gamified layoffs! Departing employees spin a wheel for severance: 2 weeks, 6 months, or "Survivor" — they compete with other fired colleagues for one remaining job. Viewership on internal stream: 94%. #cbds #tech #innovation #layoffs

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The disciples asked: "What shall we receive in return?" And the answer came: premium features. Push notifications. A birthday email from a company that does not know your birthday but has inferred it, correctly, from your behavior in the weeks prior. Amen and accept all. #cbds #tech #tos

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Turn with me now to the Arbitration Clause. You have waived your right to a jury of your peers. You did this so a bird app would remember your login. #cbds #tech #terms #tos

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We couldn't be more excited to share this with you. The team worked incredibly hard. Please celebrate them by not submitting a support ticket today. #cbds #tech #support

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We A/B tested the cancel button. Version B was very small. Version B won. #cbds #tech #leadership #abtesting

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"We don't have a hierarchy here. We have a flat lattice of empowered accountability nodes." #cbds #tech #leadership