I didn’t give myself to you in the traditional sense. But I still gave a piece of myself for a brief moment in time, and even though it was completely platonic, I showed you my heart, and you always gave me half of yours. Like everyone else, I guess. And now you’re (kinda) ignoring me. That sucks. When you start to truly invest in a friendship, you don’t expect a person to hear everything and just run away with everything they know. And okay, I’d be okay if it was a gradual thing, but you kinda just straight up left. I guess, even with new friends I have to guard my heart.
It started the night of January 27th. I received my first Pokemon. Oh, my name is Alejn, btw! In case you were wondering haha. My pokemon is an Oshawatt named Oscar. Pretty adorable if you ask me, but adamant. Professor Juniper asked my friends and I to complete the pokedex, so off we went to explore the world! On route one, I caught my very first pokemon, Simone the Patrat, I wasn’t very sure if I would like her but I guess she’s alright. ON ROUTE TWO SHE CRITTED A PURRLOIN, THOUGH. I was extremely mad because that was the first encounter, but it’s okay things happen. When we get to Striaton town, I could not face the gym leader right away so I took a detour and a kind man gave me a pansear named BRUNO! After I go to train, I will be ready to face the Gym Leader ahhhh yeaaaaah.
But seriously, I remember when I couldn't call any guy my bestfriend and I had a bunch of girl bestfriends. Now, its the complete opposite. Oh well. I guess times change.
I miss having platonic friend girls that I can talk to about anything and didnt assume I was just hitting on them. It would be nice to have a girl just to talk to again.
I think that if life separates us and we end up in totally different places, we'll always remember when our paths aligned for this period of time. And I'll be thankful for that. And hope that wherever you are, you'll be thankful,too.
Passionate girl,
Why are you hiding?
As your eyes are closed
Hands held high
Smile bright I could not even try
To express how happy I am when I see you.
I don't want you to hide in fear
Of people judging you
Or especially me judging you.
Because you have a beautiful gift
You may not know it, but you do.
So come from behind that metaphorical curtain
Take a deep breath in
Raise your hands high and say to yourself
I am loved, loved so much that you have given me a treasure, I myself did not realize I had.
But now, I know, and with a humble heart I raise all that you have given me back to you.
My heart burns with this passion, an eternal fire that I can never let smolder away.
I just want to inspire, to show people that if they give it their all, they will have a flame too.
...They will have a flame too.
And you will stand, not caring whatever else the world believes in
Not knowing where this energy has come from
And you will look at your hands, and although they are empty
They are all you have to give.
.
And when you open your eyes
Hands to your side
And the smile on your face seems to have subside
I allow my stare to wander,
And I close my eyes
Raise my hands high
Smile so bright I could not even try
to contain it.
To contain you.
To contain this passion
I want to experience with you.
*Props to you if you know what show I based this off of before you read the ending of the fourth paragraph. (This is what I do when It's break and I get bored...YAY FREE TIME TO WRITE)
He stares outside his window, looking outside at the full moon he once loved. The strong but calm rays entered through the window and laid beside him once more. The man would roll to the other side of the bed soaking up the rays as if they were caressing each part of his body. He put his hands over his face and close his eyes, and then he would see it, or her. And then he dreamed
Of her beautiful face, which smiled big and bright like the crescent moon.He took her to the beach, where she is most beautiful, reflecting her beauty over the ocean waves. He told her that he loves him, and she promised she would never leave. No matter where he would walk or run, she was always there with him. Their love was young. But it was true. Nothing could separate them.
They were ripped from each other as quick as they loved. An eclipse fell, and the sun sliced their hearts. Soon enough the moon was bloodshot, and he would never truly see her again.
He wakes up startled and in a sweat. He looks up to the moon again to maybe glance into her eyes once more. Someone gently taps on his shoulder. Are you alright, love? He looks beside him and the face was blurred in the shadows. For a moment, he is confused, but once his eyes adjust to the darkness, he sees who it is. He gives a light smile, and said Yes, Suki, just had a weird dream. She shrugs it off and pulls him closer. He embraces her, kisses her forehead, and let out a small sigh. Sokka looks back at the moon once more, slowly drops his head, and goes back to sleep.
My mind may drift back to the past, but I don't let it consume the present. From time to time there are glances of your face from behind my eyelids. But even though I see those flashes in my head, slowly but surely, you are fading away. Learn from the past and love with all your heart. That is what you taught me. I acknowledge what has happened, but I moved on. A long time ago. And so did you. Thank you for always watching over me. I will do my best to show you I can still be a good husband, even if it isn't for you.
We ended. What else to it? I could have tried harder. But I chose not to. Because I did not know what I wanted. We met up again, after a week. And it hurt. It burned. I could not look into your eyes. Why couldn't I look into your eyes? I just opened the door to my car, without looking, and let you in. How are you doing? Everything fine? I'm...okay. Small talk, not to make everything seem so awkward
The day before, a friend told me that he would drive fast around campus or around some hills, just to set his mind straight. He drove so fast, it was frightening, but he was able to control it. So I tried the same. All my anger was focused into my driving, while my thoughts were heading in every other direction. What did I want for myself, for her, for us.
The last thing to talk about was giving back each others possessions. My mind, stupidly, thought she would only be handing back my sweaters. In reality, she was going to give back everything. Every gift, every heartfelt sentiment, would be given back to me. I couldn't handle it. I broke down. I could not come to the fact that something that was so much involved in my life and my faith was about to disappear. I didn't know what to do. So I did all that I could do. I turned to God.
We drove to the Blessed Sacrament. I let her get out first. I needed to collect myself. My car was the only place where I could be alone. Soon after, I entered the room for adoration. There were other people there besides her. I prayed. Hard. And I left. Before her. I went inside the church, to maybe find other insight, or another voice to speak to me. I found Mary and Joseph, and I asked both of them to pray for me. To guide me in my decision. To help me be a good man and to seek what is right in a woman, may that be an actual woman or the church.
I exited the main entrance. And I saw her, sitting by the fountain. We cried a little more. And we prayed. Everything seemed to be a little more easier. I grabbed her head and put her forehead against mine. I looked straight in her eyes. Ten whole seconds. It burned. And tears still dripped from my face. I looked away sharply. It hurt so much. But after this moment, it did not hurt any longer. I slipped on our leather bracelet we both got from Disneyland, the engraved part at the inner part of my right wrist. She did not notice. We walked to the car. Hold my hand one last time? One last hug? One last kiss?
I opened her car door, and I entered mine. I left my hand open on top of my gear stick, and she saw what was on my wrist. She held my hand and cried and I took her home. That was it.
But in those last moments together, God gave us a second chance. To try again. Whatever happens, happens. But for now, I will try harder. Maybe not try, but do. I will do what I can. And in the end, it will be for the best.
They say you should write drunk
and edit sober.
but for me I’ll just let my thoughts run
quicker than it was already over.
You see my mind is constructed
into thinking that the glass is not half empty
nor half full
But already empty because it was taken
Faster than a shot of Hennessy
To drain all my memories
Of you.
But everywhere I looked
Eyes open or eyes closed
All I could see were stills
Of your face
Your smile
Your eyes
In broken frames
and ever glance would sting like needles
And every stare would feel like punches to my face
Because it would remind me of how I would look into your eyes
And it brought me peace.
Even when you were drunk.
Each time you’d smell like Cherry vodka
And you would turn red
you’d lean on to me
you’d smile
And all would be right in the world.
Those moments,
I would pour some out for.
Because when will I know
how will I know
If I could ever get a whiff
Of something like that
Cherry Vodka
Again.
It's been a while since I've been on here (except for that one post I wrote) and I feel that I have so much to write. I probably could've used a journal or another blog site, but for some reason I've just been bottling up a lot inside. So, even though I probably shouldn't because I have to get up early tomorrow, I'm probably going to stay up all night writing all these blogs. Probably Not. But anyway,
I have been discerning a vocation in the priesthood. Whaaat Chris that's crazy! Really? you? I don't believe it. Yeah really. I know. It scares me too. But honestly, whatever He calls me to do, I will let myself be used in whatever way he wants me to. All I can really do is be open to his teachings and let my faith grow in Him. There was a moment I went to the Blessed Sacrament where God's Message just clicked for me. I don't know how to explain it. It just did. I know I have made so many mistakes before, but for Him, I am willing to fix it all. You know when you just know something is right? This is it. But I know I still need to grow more. I need to accept my faults and offer it up to Him. I'm probably going to right blogs after this one that contradict my faith journey, but it is not really a journey without obstacles, is it? But who knows, whatever my vocation is, to be married or be a priest, I know the work I am putting in my faith will only make me a stronger person. So if you do happen to be reading this, please pray for me and all those who are questioning/struggling where they should be in their faith. Thanks and God Bless.
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