Obliviate

Things that my brain told me to write about

[petaltexturedskies]

Virginia Woolf, The Waves

[ccaramel-macchiatoo]

It’s strange and sad that in this small familiar town, I could not find any familiar face from my high school. It feels like the universe intentionally pulled us as far as it could the moment we walked out of high school’s gate. To tell us that that day was our final moments together. When I was a child, I saw my sister’s excitement whenever she met familiar face at random times — random places. I thought it was weird to feel that excited to see someone you haven’t met in years. Now that I’m adult myself, I understand that excitement —that happiness. To meet the teenagers you grew up with in high school as a grown adult with better fashion, slightly taller than they used to, some maybe even holding a toddler that resemble their dimple — is strange. It’s like looking at a stranger yet familiar face. Meeting with a person with life you know nothing about yet having memories of them sneakily eating in a classroom while the teacher turning their back to write on a whiteboard. Seeing them building a family of their own yet you remember them telling you they will never get married and childbirth terrifies them.

I haven’t meet any familiar face from my high school, but wherever they are I hope they are doing well and love follows every steps they take.

[andrumedus]

Solmaz Sharif, Look: Poems; “Look”

[kosmogrl]

you can be having the worst day of your life yet when you look outside the sun has never been brighter

[vintage-tigre]

To be loved is to be changed

[ccaramel-macchiatoo]

When I thought I had forgotten your voice and the way you speak with a slight tremble; but all I needed to do is to close my eyes and your voice finds its way back to me.

Or when I thought I had forgotten the way you smell, but all it took is one scent, one stranger— for the ghost of you to appear in front of me.

All I need is one sleep and a dream of you to undo twelve years of effort to move on and I’ll find myself back to 2014 – to the day I lost you.

And they say it’s limerence, not love—as if a different word could make it ache any less.

[letsbelonelytogetherr]

my favourite conspiracy theory is that she also yearns for me

[crimsolyn]

[geryone]

Dig, Bryan Borland

[metamorphesque]

Tired, Langston Hughes

[nomorechoirs]

fr. “Being Happy” by Dana Gioia

[happyk44]

[Text ID: [highlight] Being happy is mostly like that. You don't see it up close. You recognize it later from the ache of memory. [end highlight]

And you can't recapture it. You only get to choose whether to remember or forget, whether to feel remorse or nothing at all. Maybe it wasn't really love.

But who can tell when nothing deeper ever came along? /end ID]

[nixscriptum]

[ccaramel-macchiatoo]

Following someone’s Instagram without revealing your identity is the modern way of loving someone from afar

[ccaramel-macchiatoo]

Have you ever feel the sting in your chest from missing someone but know that staying out of their life is the best you could do for them?

[ccaramel-macchiatoo]

I still look for you;

In a crowded room,

At a bustling airport,

Shopping malls on weekends,

Visiting our town for the holidays.

Every place that I go,

Every strangers that I met,

My eyes will always seek for yours,

Today, tomorrow — for infinity.

[ccaramel-macchiatoo]

I wonder if in another version of reality,

We’ll be 15 again and I’d wake up with butterflies in my stomach because I’d see you in school,

And we talk at the corridor just the two of us as if nothing could separate us except when the bell rang or when we catch our teachers walking up the stairs,

I’d go back to my classroom with smile on my face and I hope when you turn around as you walk back to yours,

I too; managed to make you smile wide that the dimples at the corner of your mouth make its appearance.

I wonder if in that universe,

I’m still your friend as we navigate adulthood,

And if I finally brave enough to tell you that I loved you since we were in high school,

Will you loved me back and I finally have the right to call you mine?

Because in this universe,

We stopped talking at 15 and I stood alone at the corridor in front of my classroom and you stood alone in front of yours until the bell rang.

And in this version of reality,

A decade has passed and I lay alone in my bed wondering how’d things turned out had I tell you how I feel instead of running away,

Will you loved me back or will you tell me that this love is a sin before walking away from me?

[ccaramel-macchiatoo]

Almost 2 years ago I decided to ‘went missing.’ I changed my phone numbers, leaving only my social media active to see if anyone noticed or reached out to me. Only few hours after that, a close friend that I made when I worked at a bakery sent out messages on Facebook. She texted me saying that she noticed that the messages she sent on WhatsApp were left unresponded with only one tick. She immediately went on Facebook to see if I could receive her messages and asked for my new phone number. I gave it to her right away. We’ve only been friends for nearly a year.

Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months and months, months turned into almost 2 years. Nobody reached out to me. I deactivated my Facebook after two months of no notifications whatsoever.

To be truthful, I was disappointed. I had a group of best friends of 8 years and none of them checking up on me. I don’t block them on social media and they have few ways to reach out even if I did. They have my instagram, my mom’s and sister’s phone number and my girlfriend’s phone number and instagram. They could’ve reach out but they didn’t. I don’t think they ever noticed that I’ve changed my number. At this point I thought that even if I died, they won’t ever know. Even on my birthday, I don’t received any DM. So I accepted my fate and moved on.

The reason why I decided to ‘went missing,’ was because I was tired. I felt left out. I won’t get any messages unless I texted them first. Sometimes they took days to reply. I mean, I get it. We’re becoming adults with responsibilities. We get busy, I truly get it. But just a simple, “can’t talk right now,” message is enough than no response at all.

Insecurities get the best of me. I leave before they left me. So I ‘went missing,’ and only reached out to people that are reaching out.

They reached out yesterday. With only one message— “the girls missed you.” Missed me? How long will their ‘missing me’ lasts this time? Few hours? Couple of days till they decided they don’t miss me anymore? Is that all my worth to them?

Am I being selfish? Immature?

But 8 years of friendship and almost 2 years not noticing my absence kinda hurt a lot.