C Does the Therapy

[cdoesthetherapy]

It’s important to have outlets outside of therapy

This has been one of the big lessons for me. In my case, I’m grieving. Grieving a lot of things, not just the death of my person, and filling the holes with good things when you can has been really valuable.

Get out there and do all the things, basically.

It’s exhausting, but its helping.

[cdoesthetherapy]

I don’t know if I’m doing it correctly

I just say what’s on my mind and some nods and gives feedback?

I’m doing group grief counseling soon, but man all of this is uncharted territory for me, and its so weird.

[cdoesthetherapy]

Having only a handful of spoons is OK

The big takeaway from therapy yesterday is that you only have so much energy and fuck everything else.

Also, talking to a professional does help.

[cdoesthetherapy]

I don’t need permission

The big takeaways from today’s session are:

I don’t need permission to do what makes me happy

I should consider what the actual consquences of my actions are, my brain is likely to inflate them

If I get trapped into think about a negative situation, I should consider how someone else I trust would react in that situation

[cdoesthetherapy]

Met my new therapist

I’m optimistic, but this is also going to be a challenge. I don’t know how far there is to go, but we’ll see what happens.

[cdoesthetherapy]

I am not doing well.

I’m doing far worse than I ever thought I would be.

[cdoesthetherapy]

I Got Through Saturday

Not an easy thing, but lets see what today is like.

[cdoesthetherapy]

Two days until intake

Our healthcare system is shit. It’s just messy finding resources, and unless you are in crisis, you don’t have access to people who know what to do.

And health, especially mental health, runs on the same schedule as everything else, which is bizarre.

We absolutely need more providers as well.

I’m two days away from my Intake session, and who knows if it will even work out.

I haven’t heard anything from the group counseling people I contacted.

Our entire system and mindset is built around people having something of a support structure and stability in their lives, I think. But what do you do when you have nothing at all?

Everything is just so hard

[cdoesthetherapy]

You Pay For the Good Emotions with The Bad Ones

I went to sleep feeling pretty OK, but I woke up so sad. I know that this is probably going to be my new normal for a while, but I just have this thought that I can’t do this.

Just, I can’t do this, I can’t do this, I can’t do this over and over.

How does someone become this sad?

[cdoesthetherapy]

First Evaluation

So the city has some hippy doctors.

I can dig it.

I went in, hoping to get something for the moments that I’m not able to handle. It was disarming, but I also have a lot to say. I did walk out with an anti-depressant prescription, but that isn’t the significant thing.

What I’m learning, is that because of my mother’s death, and me seeking therapy, I’m having to evaluate her traumas in addition to my own. After her death, I’m less angry at her than I was in life, but I do feel so much sadder for her.

The therapists are explaining to me all the ways in which I’m not thriving. Laying it all out with their questions, and all I can think to myself is, she couldn’t have survived this life, it was a miracle she lived as long as she did.

I feel so sorry for her, but I also can't feel too sorry for her if I'm going to make it throuh this.

The lack of justice in the world, how can you handle it? Poisons the well and creates cycles of trauma that control generation after generation.

[cdoesthetherapy]

So, why Tumblr? I have no frickin clue, but I need to get these thoughts out somehow.

Currently, I'm waiting on a prescription to be ready that will help me sleep. I couldn't sleep last night. That never happens.

I also have to jumpstart my car so I can maybe drive it to the car repair place.

This thing needs a narrative.

I'm lost. So fucking lost and I don't have any solutions for right now. I am also so alone. All my relatives are a mess and I just want my mom.

[cdoesthetherapy]

My Mom Died Yesterday

Everything fucking sucks. I’m a goddamn adult orphan, and everything goddamn fucking sucks.