whatever

Demisexual+social anxiety= 💀 Non-binary! Depressed but we'll get better Memes, games, art, photography, shipping, and writing Whatever goes here goes here

[certainlynotforever]

Do I just have depression, or do I actually think nothing has meaning?

[artbylittlebug]

[certainlynotforever]

I’d play hide and seek with death.

“I’ll go first,” I’d say.

And I’d count, and count and pretend I could never find him.

[certainlynotforever]

Why are you crying?

[certainlynotforever]

Voices are coming back.

Voices are coming back.

Voices are coming back.

I stand there, like watching a giant wave climbing the sky. I just stand there, with terror, with no way to stop it, and wait for it to devour me.

The voices are coming back.

[certainlynotforever]

I don’t understand why I am such a horrible person. Maybe I am ruined.

Someone just told me they love me, and all I feel is this emptiness and the urge to run away. I feel so heavy.

Why?

I thought I’d be happy because being loved is all I ever wanted. What happened?

Do I have no ability to feel anymore?

This disgusted scar that I want to rip from my chest…

I’m not happy no matter what. Maybe I haven’t changed? Maybe I’m still that broken person thinking all I need is someone to love me?

[certainlynotforever]

I cannot breathe, oh I cannot breathe, for every breath in the air is you, and my chest is so, so heavy.

[howling-suggestions]

My grief is a beast licking its lips, waiting for the next meal we all know is coming, for the next sucker punch of pain and betrayal. My grief is a beast that is always well fed on my misery.

[certainlynotforever]

I’m pushing people away the moment I find myself attached. Eventually I don’t look at them the same way and our relationship crumbles…

This is why I don’t deserve this. I destroy every good thing I have.

How do I pretend I’m strong and happy again? How do I pretend I’m not so broken deep down I know people don’t actually want to deal with all this mess?

[certainlynotforever]

[certainlynotforever]

I can’t believe I’m dumb enough to think anyone can actually love me…

[certainlynotforever]

Last night I dreamed my head against your chest and your hand rest upon the back of my neck and played with my hair. It was so tender I closed my eyes…

When I woke up I didn’t remember it wasn’t real.

[certainlynotforever]

Too depressed but cannot shut up: the reason why people think I’m annoying

[certainlynotforever]

How I love you so… I have forgotten we are not together.

The stares I gave you… I have no right.

The longing of your warmth… it will never be mine.

It is merely a dream, and yet every time I see you, I cannot see the lines between that and reality.

Sometimes I forget you are not mine.

[certainlynotforever]

I wish I don’t fall in love so easily.

Why is that I feel like I need to love someone to stay alive?

Most of the time I wish to tear my chest open because I am itching to rip my heart out and gift it to someone.

[certainlynotforever]

I am scared to admit, but I am falling in love. This love is so calm, so warm, and… if I cannot be with him… I wouldn’t feel self pity. I just can’t expect people to love me, but… I can love him, just like that, easily and casually, it’s not hard.

Just love these conversations, the soft silence, the chaotic laughs, and the lingering stares. It’s gentle. It’s not fire and heat. It’s that tenderness even when I’m in tears.

I understand that for some people this is just what they do for friends. To care for them. I understand that. If I have to be a friend, let it be. This gentleness I will cherish. If that’s all I could have…

If he only is a friend and yet still makes my heart clench… at least I am friend. At least…

I know, I can’t be loved more than friends because that just never happened to me. It’s not a thing for me to have.

If I wasn’t meant to have nice things… I’m glad this friendship is what I can share. Even though I like him so much more…

[certainlynotforever]

So many “what ifs”, everything starts to become an ambiguous dream. Am I in a dream now? It hurts to open my eyes to see. I don’t have the courage to distinguish.