✎

killin dem. ooc only.

[cgkai]

i’m really glad things are okay now. glad things are normal. when we fight i know it is not nice but i think it shows us (or at least me) what we can work towards — together. i need you to realise i’m willing to go through it all, the good and the bad. as long as you are too. i don’t want to give up. i don’t want you to give up either.

[cgkai]

wish i could just not feel so much sometimes

[cgkai]

can’t help but feel like you’re settling for something you know you deserve more from

[cgkai]

tired

[cgkai]

do i have to process all of these thoughts? do i want to? this should feel like any other day to me. this should be a day spent with you and 엄마 i should be taking you both to watch an orchestra show tomorrow because its parents’ day and there’s only one of my parents to take and im supposed to live with that for the rest of my life. i hate every part of it, more than anything i hate having to feel these emotions because ultimately there is no solution other than having to endure it until it gets better. 

it marks three years today and it hasn’t gotten better.  i miss you 아빠 i miss you every day. i think of you every day. i miss you so much my heart breaks every time i have to be reminded i can’t hold you again, or tease you for being so ancient. i miss the jokes that made no sense and the way you’d always lecture life lessons to me. this entire day i’ve held it together because it took a lot of strength for 엄마 to walk out of the house, for all of us to bite the bullet and pay that visit. it was painful. it was beautiful. it felt too real. your daughters turned into ugly criers. i’m sure you loved watching it from up there.  i just want to talk to you. i want to ask what the afterlife is like. i hope you’re finally at peace.. and being waited on hand and foot. you feel better, don’t you? are the angels feeding you grapes? giving you foot massages? god knows you deserve it, old man.  i love you, you know. everything that i am today is because of you. you’ve taught me that loving is the necessity. you sacrificed for me and you and 엄마 will always be the driving force of my life. i can only hope to strive in becoming the man that you were.  내 꿈속에서 나를 방문해줘, 아빠~~

[cgkai]

i feel so sick to my stomach 

[cgkai]

disconnected... i feel it and i might be alone this time.

[cgkai]

인내는 너의 친구다

[cgkai]

you should come back to me soon seeing your gorgeous face lit up my screen like a firework show i don’t like all this stupid timezone shenanigans 

[cgkai]

the last handful of days presented some trials and tribulations, at least for me.. honestly i think it’s been that way for you too, not on a major scale but from what i could take from all of that is: we miss each other. i love you as much as you love me, you love me as much as i love you, that’s my explanation as to why it’s hard to go long without seeing one another. im never going to let go of you, that’s the hard facts, and what you symbolise to me as both my soulmate and best friend will never wither away. time and distance might come between us as some sort of kryptonite but i could give less of a shit you know? there’s nothing we can’t talk out. i got you. i know you’ve got me. so no doubt we will always be able to work through things. 

[cgkai]

i like the lightheartedness of you. everything feels feather-like and bright. going on that date with you (”a date” we can finally call it) took me to a delightful place of seclusion, like the entire world was ours for the taking. each time we talk you captivate me to forget about everything else. do you know that? i feel like you might have some sort of idea by now. i feel like you know. 

[cgkai]

my thoughts feel like they’ve been on a hot stove pan for too long and there’s no grease to subdue any of these emotions 

[cgkai]

i know you’re no good but you’re stuck in my brain

[cgkai]

things were... a lot last night. you and i finally went all the way intimately and i think with that came thoughts, a lot of thoughts, thoughts and questions that were charging at me and to this very moment i still don’t know the answers to. i currently only feel bewilderment and the urge to process my emotions more attentively.

[ripelypines]

🤍 yumi sakugawa

[llleighsmith]

“Wash every bowl, every dish as if you are bathing a baby - breathing in, feeling joy; breathing out, smiling. Every minute can be a holy, sacred minute. Where do you seek the spiritual? You seek the spiritual in every ordinary thing that you do every day. Sweeping the floor, watering the vegetables, and washing the dishes become holy and sacred if mindfulness is there. With mindfulness and concentration, everything becomes spiritual.”

— Thich Nhat Hanh, in “How to Eat”.