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Been thinking about that one line from "Nobody" by Hozier since I got asked that insane question last night

#you know #the one about saints and misbehaving

Clearing spiderwebs from my grandma's smoking chair/canopy on the patio reflecting on how I'm such a thoughtful person largely to compensate for the apparent thoughtlessness of most people I find myself around

#like how can i not be thoughtful when so many people seem so oblivious all the time #they cause themselves and others grief that could easily be avoided #just be aware and think just a step or two ahead #but nooooo they gotta be drivers that close following distance in a merging lane #or people who act like they're the only ones with problems #or people who say “don't do x thing” and then proceed to do x thing without even realizing #i'm not complaining about my grandma i'm clearing the spiderwebs because i love her and don't want her to get bit/scared #but i do not love the entitled dickwad in his tesla #and i do not love rude customers yelling or verbally pushing around staff #i'm not literally a god i only have so much love to go around #love is effort after all

I'm trying to sleep and some inadvertent fool of an oracle is blasting "Like A Stone" by Audioslave outside my window

#i cannot make this shit up #the timing #signs and omens like a motherfucker #le dramatique 🤌

Oh I've got this shit all sorted out this is so funny

#i mean #not funny in a “haha” kind of way #more like a “honey you've got a big storm comin'” kind of funny #best wishes tho #i will be here regardless #and who knows #maybe this time i'll be wrong #either way lmao #whatevies

Thinking about desires and aspects of myself that have been repressed most of life and connecting certain things with how when I was a kid playing (like rough-housing and such) with other kids and I always got in trouble for playing "too rough"

#like i never gave more than i was willing to get back lmao #like geez #i make you bleed you make me bleed it's not that bad #not that making other kids bleed was a regular occurance #that only happened once #but just in general #playing -> everything is fun -> i pin someone a little too rough or hit a little too hard -> they start crying or go tell on me #eventually i guess i just accepted no one wants to play like i do #surely this has had no effects on my ability to be authentic in interpersonal relationships

Whore

#lmao i'm tweakin #girl what am i gonna do with you #fingers crossed the litter is small

Oh god I'm gonna be a grandpa or some shit

#actually freaking out a little #i mean i'm excited but #the RESPONSIBILITY #how big is her litter gonna be?#i can't keep any but I know my mom will take at least one since her and my sisters recently lost a cat #and another one is on his way out #but ahhhhhh i don't wanna have to give any to the shelters because the shelters in my area suck for cats #and i need to research what kind of things I need to procure for a safe environment for the kittens #and how to care for tsuki #i've never done this before oh my godddd

Oh god dammit

I've written poetry about how the thoughts in there

#you be thinking #thoughts only you can have

Saw a bmw with a vanity plate that read "iamtact" cut someone off on the freeway earlier. Sir what is your definition of tact because I think it may be non-standard

So can anyone else see the future or am I just insane

#swear to god #patterns are patterns man #i be predicting things accurately too often #“ooo that's just confirmation bias”#look man maybe #but i do try to keep track of the times i'm wrong too so like #have a rough estimate for the right/wrong ratio and I'm about 70/30

The giver who is not given to. The healer with deep scars. The unloved lover. The freak who is unfroken. The hapless hoper. The vault of others' pain and secrets. The considerate who is unconsidered.

#hashtag me

Okay, Prince Dipshit.

#lmao #“wade through the obstacles #eliminate the target #save the damsel!“

Having sexual desires is so frustrating when the only two ways you know how to express them are either by being performative or by having someone you're comfortable enough with AND interested in enough to feel safe expressing them

#like I can see someone attractive and be like “oh i could put 'the moves' on them but i would leave the experience unfulfilled”#OR #be genuinely interested in someone #get to know them #be attracted to them the entire time #but then risk ruining a perfectly good friendship with the horny disease #dating people is like #they expect me to be more comfortable quicker and think i'm disinterested #and then leave/ghost/break up with me #OR i'm getting to know them with the ominous intent of affection and sexual interaction lurking in the shadows #and then find that i do not like/get along with them on a personal level #and then feel terrible because i could tell they were really excited about the whole thing #and then option 3 is where I'm at now #endure persist persevere AND be selfless about it #exhausting #surely there's an easier way to go about the whole thing

I'm so tired of softening my words for the comfort of others. Acknowledge how you effect the world around you and let's meet in the middle

#compromise #the basis of all functional human interaction

Karma is gonna kick ur gotdamng ass

#saturn retrograde #man i really wish it wasn't #but like #you aren't absolved of the pain you sow by feeling guilty about it #whatever #it's not like i didn't see this coming lol this was always part of the vision #delaying it until the worst possible time for yourself #according to your own rules #sheesh #these lessons will not be gentle and i hope you come out of the other side with yourself intact

Aw hell I'm probably gonna buy cigarettes today

#gotta make an appointment to try to get some prescription cessation aids at this point #or adhd medication lmao #the latter would take much longer tho so you know what I'm gonna set up an app with my doctor TODAY #update: appointment set for the second week of september 👍

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