iridescence

☆ take a swim, or dive, into my mind; beware, it's chaos on steroids; but maybe you'll find something iridescent to bring back home. ☆

[chaosonsteroids]

I thought that he would love me forever. Here’s the thing: that’s not the way love works. Love picks you up and takes you to the clouds and then sends you spiraling back down. Once I met a guy who I thought was my world- no really, I honestly believe for a moment that maybe I had found happiness, my happiness. But now I’m left feeling like there’s a piece of me missing. And I think back and wonder how I ever let myself let my heart be so vulnerable to another.

[chaosonsteroids]

the sensation of falling out of love:

forgetting how their lips feel against mine, letting your memories blow away like leaves in the autumn wind, feeling your stomach drop when you hear their name, swollen eyes and an empty heart, thoughts always racing and running around your mind.

the silence is louder when you’re gone.

[chaosonsteroids]

a cheesy romance novel

i. “Look.. I have no idea why I’m into you.. All I can think of is that you’re just like me. I’m not ready for a relationship yet, but damn it.. you’re amazing. You’re one of the coolest people I’ve ever met.. you make me feel like I’m not alone, like I have someone else to go through life with, side by side. The moment we started talking, I think we clicked. I would’ve kissed you right there and then.”

ii. “I am blessed to be with you. We don’t fight; there’s no drama between us. You remind me that i need to live my life. You remind me that I have a reason to live. I have no words to describe how happy I am.”

iii. “I love you because you feel like home. They say home is where your heart is, and that’s with you. From the first day I met you, I was staring at you like, thinking about how cute you are.. Then one fateful night, you stole my heart and have had it ever since. You made everything seem okay. You pulled me through the hardest time in my life.. you actually cared. You still do. I left my past behind because people didn’t care, then you come around and care about me right away. That means so much to me. And when we started talking, we just got along so well.. I know you felt it too. And you stick with me, no matter how stupid I am. I can really be myself around you.. no one else accepts all of me. I love you because you are home.”

iv. “Do you still love me?”      Why wouldn’t I? “If you still love me, and I still love you, everything will be alright.”      Maybe you don’t love me anymore.. not like you used to. “Stop thinking that. I still love you. More than anyone. If I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t work this hard.”      If you loved me, you wouldn’t think about breaking up with me. “Love is more than just being in a relationship. It’s about trying to do what’s best for the other party, regardless of what one wants. Regardless of what either of them want.”      You want to break up with me because it will be easier for you. “Stop that. I don’t want to leave you.”      Then don’t. I know you don’t want to. But I know you’re thinking it’s something you have to do, for me. But it’s not. So if you leave, you should know that it’s the best for you. “Let me explain what’s been going through my head recently. Should I make you endure a tough relationship? Should we take a break and let us each find our own paths, hoping those paths will bring us back together? I’m trying to think which is the most beneficial for you.. because I know what you give up for me. I’m afraid things will come back and bite you in the ass. I’d rather end a relationship on my own terms than have it explode on me out of nowhere.. It’s like a roll of the dice.”      What you’re saying is that you’d rather control our breakup rather than us actually breaking up for a good reason. “What I’m saying is that the last thing I want is for you to go through unnecessary pain because of me.”      You know if we break up, we won’t get back together after you leave. because I know how quick you move on. And I don’t. So either way, it’s a win/win for you and a lose/lose for me. “No. I’d be losing my only friend. You are my life. My life is literally school, work, and you. That’s it.”      You would be cleansing yourself of your old life and all the baggage that came with it. You would get the fresh start you need. Your long term goals don’t include me anymore and you know it. You said you’re scared to not have time for me anymore because you’re putting all your time into your future. If you leave me, it solves all those problems for you. And like I said, you could easily find someone else and forget about me. What’s the point in us dragging out our relationship if there’s nothing left? “Leaving you may solve problems, but it creates two bigger ones: you don’t have your anchor anymore, and I don’t have mine.”       Then why even bother leaving? “...I don’t know.”

v. “You are my best friend, who I also just happen to be madly in love with. I can’t imagine life without you. All I know is if there was anyone I’d want to spend my life with right now, it would be you.”

[chaosonsteroids]

it's frustrating to know that at one point, I thought you were the one I was going to marry; now you're not even in my life anymore.

[chaosonsteroids]

i've shown you every bit and piece of me- vulnerable, raw, unexplainable but unavoidably me and you've chosen to remind me of how the world can't be perfect, and how happiness is only a fleeting moment of time and how trust is built just to be broken and abused and "i promise" is just another bullshit way of dragging me down this empty loveless road for days on end. i've cried countless nights over reasons i'm too embarrassed to admit to you, (one: would not loving you anymore stop the pain or cause me to be numb, like you? two: what did i do to make you stop loving me? what made you turn off your feelings for me? three: are you happy without me?) and it drives me insane to always have you on my mind when i know i haven't crossed yours in days. i'm exhausted, out of effort, out of breath. i just want to feel whole again.

[chaosonsteroids]

dear you,

in three days it’ll be your birthday. in four, i get to see your handsome smiling face again. i’m anxious, because i know this day will make or break me. i’ve got a few things figured out, but most not, and i wish i could. all i know are these three things.

one. there’s a part of you that doesn’t want me anymore, or a part of you that “can’t” be with me anymore as you put it. there’s a part of you that refuses to let me go but aches for freedom. there’s something that’s stopping you from loving me- or maybe it’s that you don’t love me the same anymore. there’s something that’s telling you no, but neither you nor i know what it is, and it kills me.

two. i’m in constant pain. you may not realize it, but every passing day twists and turns my emotions because my indecision is killing me. i’ve been waiting for you to come back but it’s all in vain, because i know you in the end you won’t, or that’s what i’m choosing to believe. if you get to be free, i get to be free too.

three. i love you. more than anything, more than anyone i’ve ever loved. you’re best friend, the one i confide all my secrets to, the one who i turn to when i just need someone to love my endlessly.i’m afraid to lose this. i’m afraid to let you go. you’ve become such a constant blessing in my life and i’m not sure how i got so lucky to find a guy like you. i don’t know if i’ll ever be ready to let you go but it’s time for me to find a way to start. 

if you love me, let me know.

[chaosonsteroids]

how to get over him:

you don’t.

[chaosonsteroids]

If you see this tonight, I know you’re thinking about me. I’m waiting for you, a text, a call, or anything. Prove to me that there’s still a reason to not let you go forever, and that all we had wasn’t for nothing. Show me that I was wrong.

[chaosonsteroids]

you said you’d never let me go-- but you did.

[chaosonsteroids]

it sucks that it had to come to this.

it makes me sad, it makes my heart hurt, that we can never restore what we used to have. honestly, it was bliss. and I was happy, truly happy. that was something I hadn’t felt in the longest time. it makes me sad that you didn’t even try, that you refuse to try to save the little bit we have left, that you would rather throw away everything that we worked for just so you can have what? some space? less responsibilities? another chance with someone else? you left me with nothing. broken promises and a broken heart. not even an explanation, just “I can’t.. I can’t do this right now.” it’s not enough for me and you know that. it’s impossible to get closure because every time I think about it, I still don’t have a legit reason why.

it sucks that I have to harden my heart again. I opened up to you. I told you the reasons why it hurts to let myself love. the reason why I have my guard up, and you promised me that you’d never break me, but you did. and it sucks that you’re another reason why it’s hard to trust someone and let myself be fully invested and committed instead of the person who taught me how to love again. instead, you’ve made me retract everything that I tried so hard to give to you. I tried so hard to let myself love you. I gave you everything that I could have and it still wasn’t enough, and now I’m here thinking of all the things I did wrong and why I deserve this.

but I don’t deserve this. I deserve so much better than you. I deserve to be happy and to love without fear. I deserve someone who will treat me better than you ever did, no matter how much I still want you in my life, no matter how much I still love you and how much I will always love you. and that’s what sucks the most.

[chaosonsteroids]

my heart is heavy, dragging bodies back from war. what once protected me is ripped and torn, you go in with fear, and you come back with more. you’re a puppeteer: you own and control. you take what you want, no matter the cost and leave the empty remains behind, holding onto the string you once attached. I never realized how little heart you put into things; I guess you never knew what mattered most.

[chaosonsteroids]

poetry is a passionate, vulnerable thing--

I let you see inside me: my heart, my mind, my soul. I would never let myself be so exposed to anyone else, I would never give up all of me for you to see,  if I didn’t want you to see it.

--that must mean something to you, I hope.

[chaosonsteroids]

I still want to be your everything. I want to be the first thing you think of when you wake up, I want you to smile because the day is beautiful and you still think I am too. I still want you to think I’m pretty even when my hair is a mess and my make up is smeared. I still want you to think I’m adorable when I’m bundled up in a little blanket cause it’s cold (like right now, I’m freezing but the thought of you keeps me warm.) I still want to be the number one girl in your life. I don’t want to have to compete for your attention, I still want you to willingly spend your time with me, talking about nonsense or everything or nothing. I still want to be the girl you think about when you’re alone with your thoughts, when it’s one in the morning and you can’t sleep so I’m the first one you come to talk to. I still want to be the girl you remember when you look up at the stars. I still want to be the girl that you’d protect, I still want to be the girl that you hold in your arms. I want to be the girl that you brag about to your friends because of this or that or just because I’m the only thing that was on your mind anyways. I still want you to feel sad when we’re apart, I still want you to laugh when I’m being silly. I still want you to feel, I need you to feel something for me. I still want you to love me. 

[chaosonsteroids]

maybe if I didn’t love so deeply, so passionately, it wouldn’t hurt this much.

you told me it was better to have completely loved and lost, but you’re not the one losing.

[chaosonsteroids]

I gave you all of me-- and you took it.

[chaosonsteroids]

I thought I was getting better but I was so, so wrong. Everything still hurts, every sad song reminds me of you and you still invade my thoughts when I’m alone at night with nothing else to keep me company. I still cry when I think about you. There are too many memories of you to replace, I can’t shut them out without feeling like I’m ripping out pieces of heart and throwing them away. I’m in denial, I’m clinging onto a hope I shouldn’t have but it’s the only thing that gets me through the passing days.

I want to set you free but I’m scared you’ll be the one that got away.

[chaosonsteroids]

the anchor has done its job, keeping me in place when the waves crashed around me and the storm raged on. through rough waters, it held strong while the boat rocked and swayed and tempted to tip, but it never did. because of my anchor, I wasn't afraid to set sail because in troubled times I knew there would be my saving grace, the one who held me steady. but the sea is calm and the sky is blue. the clouds are starting to drift away and I know it's not the eye of the storm. I'm pulling up my anchor, it's safe to start the journey again. but I'm still sailing the seas, until you find your way back to me.