Poetic Thoughts

“You keep a lot to yourself because it’s difficult to find people who understand.” -Unknown

[chaotic-thought-patterns]

Hi there.. I want to welcome you to a safe space. If you’ve come across this page, it might mean that you’re going through something that feels like nobody can understand.

Sometimes it can be hard to get chaotic thoughts out of your head. I know I find myself with this issue more often than I would like to admit. The thoughts in my head vary - sometimes it’s music, other times it’s poetry. Thanks to, what is often called, “the most painful mental illness’, I overthink. Sometimes my gut is right and sometimes it isn’t. But that doesn’t stop my brain from continuing to overthink scenarios and get myself worked up. I do have another page where I write to get my feelings out. I will warn ahead of time, that page is thoughts that I just honestly need to get out of my head because I don’t know who to talk to. I may at some point tag that page, but that is only if readers would like to dive into the deeps thoughts of Borderline Personality Disorder.

Some of you might relate and some might not. That is completely okay. You don’t need to reblog posts if you don’t wish to. If you’re more comfortable reading them to remind yourself that you aren’t alone and being a silent reader, that is okay too! You can follow along and come back when you feel like you need to. There’s times where I just scroll through until my brain quiets down enough to fall asleep.

I will be incorporating some of my own poetry, as well as other poems I find along the way, thoughts I feel that readers can relate to, etc. I would also like to hear from you. If you have poetry or thoughts that you would like to share, you are more than welcome! I want this to be a healing journey, as trauma can have debilitating effects on your body and mind.

Again, I would like to welcome you and I hope that you are able to find some peace through reading this blog.

[cantsleephomesick]

i probably cared about you more than

you cared about me

that hurts

because you had the responsibility

to care about me

i learned now that i wasnt your priority

nothing but a number

nothing but a paycheck

i want to scream at you and tell you

i breathe as you do

im just a human too

[letsbelonelytogetherr]

— via jitterati

[sfsolstice]

s. f. solstice, "a moth to a flame"

[chaotic-thought-patterns]

With eyes that pierce through my entire being 🥰

[perfectfeelings]

“Repeat after me: My current situation is not my final destination.”

— Unknown

[chaotic-thought-patterns]

I remind myself of this everyday. My current situation has really hard on my mental health the last year. But I am so in love with my partner and I don’t know what I would do without them. So I continue to remind myself because one day we will finally be free of the mental instability that we endure everyday.

[poetryforall]

[chaotic-thought-patterns]

How often do you feel that you need to keep your feelings to yourself?

Never

Rarely

Sometimes

Often

Always

Voting ended onMay 18, 2024

My answer would definitely be often. Sometimes I feel like if I express my feelings that they won’t be understood or even heard. Why? Because trauma does that to you. When you have spent years having to keep how you feel locked away for your loved one’s convenience or expressed your feelings and nothing changed, it becomes a habit. This habit is so hard to break and I do find myself doing that, despite not wanting to, but feeling like if I brought up something that made me uncomfortable, sad, angry, etc. that it would cause a fight like many times before. Unfortunately, it often does cause fights. This is what happens when you are in a relationship with someone who has also gone through trauma.

Be patient. Change doesn’t happen overnight. All you can do is remind them that your feelings are not a personal attack, but you wanting them to know that there is something in your head that you can’t let go of, that is bothering you. It’s hard, but if something were to happen to them, would the fight really be worth it? Would the yelling and name calling worth it? I guess that for you to decide, but in my case I know that my partner’s trauma has had a different effect on their emotions than mine. That the trauma they went through is something that I can’t understand, that I have never been through. I know that due to a medical condition, they could be taken away from me whenever their brain decided it was time to go. Their medical condition can be terrifying and dangerous if we aren’t careful and that is one of the thoughts that appears most often. What if I tell them, they don’t take it the way I thought they would and the next thing I know it has caused a massive argument and here we are again; them being in a hospital and me just waiting at home for them to come home, wanting to be there but knowing that I’m not really allowed to be. And this? This leads to feelings of being useless and unwanted. So I remain patient. Knowing that when they come home, they will want to be close to me despite not wanting to be on a 48 medical watch in case it happens again.

I hope that you can relate to these feelings and remember that you aren’t alone. Until next time.

Xoxo

[chaotic-thought-patterns]

The way the sunlight hit my face as I stepped through the blockade of trees, made me feel that maybe I really did have a chance. A chance to feel again, to breathe again, to see beauty again.

The dark woods that held me back from seeing the clear skies once again had become too thick. It was going to take a lot of strength to find my way through the abundance of tangled branches and plants that I used to recognize.

You see, my mind use to be clear. Well, clear enough I suppose. But, over the years it became a foggy, dark place that I didn’t recognize. I knew getting through the messy entanglement that was now my identity was going to be difficult, but I never imagined it would be this tricky. I would take a step forward, then immediately find myself tripping over the branches that I had already conquered. It was as if I was going around in circles, but I wasn’t moving. I would get little glimpses of the light that lay waiting on the horizon in front of me, but the shadows always covered it back up. As if to remind me that the darkness was where I belonged, where I was destined to be.

I’ll get there I remind myself daily. I will one day finally see the light that I so desperately wanted to discover. But for now? I just needed to be patient and survive.