Dirty Dishes and Dirty Diapers
They say I'm a stay-at-home-mom, but I really can't call myself that seeing that my kids are in school the majority of the day. That leaves me here, all alone, trying to find something to do. I'm so bored I just want to bang my head on my unvacuumed floor. This being at home all fucking day, every fucking day is driving me nuts. I do not like the feeling that my life is on hold and pointless. Oh wait it's not pointless, I do the cooking and cleaning. Yay. Is it wrong for me to expect more out of life than dirty dishes and dirty diapers?
So in protest; I've been refusing to clean my house this week. Well, not fully. I did run the dishwasher. But, I'm not keeping up like I usually do. Because honestly, there is no joy in cleaning. There is joy in a clean house, yes, but I'm not Cinderella, singing with hands elbow deep in diarrhea diapers. And I yes I was sick on Tuesday and then taking care of my sick son Wednesday and today. But that really doesn't completely excuse my lack of giving a shit this week.
Maybe, though, I am using all this as an excuse not to work on my artwork? Is that why I just so bitchy today? Is my soul screaming out to create, but I've been pushing it down for more "important" things? "I need to write another blog post. I need to update facebook and tumblr. I need to be marketing and researching!"
Steve Pressfield talks about Resistance in his book, The War of Art. "Most of us have two lives. The life we live, and the unlived life within us. Between the two stands Resistance." So maybe that's my true issue. I'm pissy because I want to create; but I'm pushing it away and listening to that voice saying I'm not good enough. So to spite the Resistance, I made a small piece tonight. Before I started feeling like shit on Tuesday, I had managed to dye a few pieces of rice paper. So tonight, I decided to try putting together a slightly different style piece. Granted it's still in the middle of the process, so it's still a mess, but I can see it being beautiful when I finish. And what an nice slap in the face of Resistance. ;)
