i dont know a fucking thing my guy

chase stein: ur favorite fuckboy

[chasestxin]

text - connor

CH: Would you like to come stay with me for a while?

CH: Roy recently got me an X Box. I could use some help with it?

CS: what specifically is the issue

CS: im not one 2 brag but

CS: im pretty good with video games at least

[chasestxin]

im-not-a-liar:

As if mirroring him, Thierry took another step back and crossed his arms to create yet another physical barrier between them. Being challenged on his emotions made him uncomfortable. Withdrawing was the only way he knew how to handle it - and he could close himself off with ease. Usually. Right now he wanted to lash out, prove Chase wrong, but he could only stare at him. It was true that he thought Tommy was too good for him. He knew he was. Everything Tommy said or did tended to shock him because it was something he was always experiencing for the first time. He was used to people like Chase, who weren’t comfortable with their sexuality. 

“Shut up,” he snapped, feeling as if electricity had replaced the blood in his veins, and his arms dropped as he stepped forward and shoved Chase with both hands on his chest, as hard as he could, though the effort was laughable. Even though he was a mutant, but when he was human he had no more than human strength. “You’re wrong, you’re wrong, everything you say is wrong!”

chase could have stood his ground, but he didn't. he let himself be moved, taking a step back, then another. he was angry, sure, but more than that he was sad in a way that wasn’t familiar and the same lonely he knew all too well. things were never this difficult with gert, if only because they were always in so much danger they couldn’t have had time to fight if they’d wanted to, and he knew the comparison wasn’t fair but he couldn’t help making it anyway. “yeah, i know, i’m the worst kind of person. i get it. but i’m yours. if you don’t let me go now i’m going to haunt you until one of us is in the fucking ground, or hell, or whatever the fuck. that’s not a threat, or a promise, it’s a fucking fact, and if you can’t - “

he lost track of the sentence, swallowing hard. “you think i need to fucking suffer for what i did to you? i know i fucked up. i know i was awful. but i’ve been through enough.” he closed his eyes, mostly to avoud making eye contact. “i’m not going to stay here so you can make me watch you be happy without me. so either you let me leave now or you do it later, because i’m not selfless enough to be okay watching you move on.”

[chasestxin]

conner-kon-el:

“Find her? Can’t you just send her a mind message or is there a range to that?” Conner had a few people who liked to be in his head from time to time. It was only those people that he allowed to do it as people being in his head or implanting things in there was….well it was an issue, to say the least. “Skrulls? Are those the green ones with the funny chins? But nope, neither of them. A hint is the big red shield on my shirt here and they call me Superboy.”

"it's not like...direct communnication." chase didn't know how it worked, if he was being completely honest, other than the fact that they were connected in a way he couldn’t articulate. “she’s not hurt or anything. just lonely.” that was all he’d been able to figure. he didn’t want to know what she’d been getting from him lately. “yeah! that’s them. superboy, huh? for all i knew you were a fanboy, so don’t blame me for not guessin’ that right away.”

[chasestxin]

conner-kon-el:

“So you’re linked to a dinosaur…. I don’t care whichever way you spin that. It’s pretty damn cool. And that’s coming from someone that is half alien.” @chasestxin

"she's fantastic," chase said confidently, not hesitating. lace was the best thing in his life, no question - even if she wasn’t technically in it at the moment. “i’m gonna go find her, soon, once i finish some shit here.” he paused to take in the new information. “alien? huh. i have some friends who’re aliens. you’re not skrull, yeah? or - “ he still had trouble pronouncing it even now. “majesdanian?”

[chasestxin]

im-not-a-liar:

“I don’t care if you think it’s childish or not,” Thierry said coldly. “I never said I was a good person. I don’t care if what I’m doing is immoral or not. When have I ever had the high ground with you? Never. Never. It was always you. You made all the decisions and I deferred to you. I gave you what you wanted, when you wanted, and when you didn’t want it, then I shut my fucking mouth.” He shook his head, his fingers digging tight into the counter hard enough for one of his nails to splinter. “You never asked what I wanted. You just left and you justified it all.” 

His anger rose when Chase tried to use his love against him, as a playing card to manipulate what he would do next, and he shook his head and backed even further into the tiny kitchen alcove. “You’re suffering?” He spat, the question ending in a mirthless laugh. “You’ve been back one week. I felt… I felt the way you’re feeling for months. Months! If I wanted you to feel what I felt, then I should wait just as long, shouldn’t I? Wouldn’t that be fair? Wouldn’t you at least understand what it was like for me? Wouldn’t you want to do that, if you ever cared, or if you loved me now? I could use all those same tricks against you. It doesn’t make either of us better than each other, Chase. We’re both the same.”

pleading gave way to anger quickly, but the hurt was still there, still fueling every word. "that's what you hate," chase hissed, darting his tongue out to catch the blood on his lip before it could fall. he took a half step forward, not intending intimidation, but needing something to lessen the distance all the same. “that’s what’s got you so fucking pissed. because we are the same. and he’s not. and you think he’s too fucking good for you.” his jaw tightened again. “maybe you need to stop and consider the reason i didn’t want to love you is that everyone in my life - fucking everyone i’ve ever cared about - has ended up breaking my fucking heart. and i wanted to think you were different, but you’re fucking proving me right.”

 the volume was creeping up, but he couldn’t stop now, words biting hard and fast. “and he likes you, and you like him fine, but you don’t love him.” chase shook his head, breathing coming ragged. “i don’t know if you love me anymore, since you keep telling me i don’t know anything, but i know you did. even now, even if you fucking hate me, that’s still more than you’re ever going to give him.” 

[chasestxin]

im-not-a-liar:

“No.” Thierry’s response was abrupt, but there was anger behind it that he’d never displayed before - not toward Chase, not toward anyone. “I’m not going to make it that easy for you. This is my decision. Not yours. Not this time.” How long had Chase held onto him, without knowing whether or not he returned his feelings, or even wanted him at all? It had been torturous and pure hell - and maybe it was petty that he wanted to get back at him for it, but there was more to it than that. 

He couldn’t let him go. Not yet. This odd balancing act was even more obvious now that Chase was staying here, in his apartment, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that he wouldn’t be safe anywhere else. And he didn’t have anywhere to go. It was a convenient excuse. Maybe that was all it was. 

Turning his back, he put distance between them and his voice was icy, direct. “Sit down. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” It was the only way he knew how to shut off his emotions before they overwhelmed him, and it was an easy way to end the conversation.

"is this fucking payback?" chase’s voice was quiet, tight, because he knew if he let himself get any loud er he’d be yelling. “you’re looking for some bullshit, childish fucking revenge? you want to make me watch you be fucking happy without me? say goodbye to your moral fucking high ground, cause you’re no better than i am. at least i made myself stop. do you seriously think it’d have been better if i stayed and kept treating you like shit? is that really what you fucking wanted?”

it was difficult, but he kept his voice level, detached. “you’re happier now. fucking fantastic. what are you hoping to accomplish by keeping me around for? you want to rub it in my face? you want to hurt me? i’m already fucking hurt.” heat was creeping into his tone, but he couldn’t fight that, not now. he was still quiet enough not to be yelling, but the anger was clear.  “if you ever loved me,” he started (unfair, unfair, he knew) “at all, ever, you need to fucking let me go. if you don’t want me - and  i know you don’t - you need to let me leave because i’ll fucking stay here the rest of my life waiting for something that’s not going to happen.”

[chasestxin]

text - connor

CH: I'm not sure what you would like me to say.

CS: idk

CS: i just feel like dying

[smothurs]

breezeblocks // alt-j

[chasestxin]

@im-not-a-liar

[chasestxin]

im-not-a-liar:

The words stung more than he’d expected them to. Thierry recoiled, not enough to pull away from the grip Chase had on his wrist, but he turned his head away. His hair hid his expression like a dark curtain. His heart felt trapped in his throat, forcing back words he would regret. This quiet politeness between them was bound to explode in some way - of course it would be this. Painful. Brutal. 

He yanked his arm away suddenly, as if Chase’s hand had burned him, and all of the emotion that he’d pushed inside in favor of his usual quiet facade quickly rose to the surface; it was so abrupt that the suddenness frightened him, and he backed away. “I hate you, do you know that?” The words were barely more than a whisper. What he felt for Chase was far from the apathetic caution he’d shown so far. It was far more intense, something untouchable and terrifying. He didn’t want to feel it. He wanted it gone. “Just shut up and lay down, and stay, so I don’t worry and I don’t follow you to make sure you don’t get hurt, because I will. And I hate that I will.”

“you don’t want me here,” chase repeated, jaw tight, whole body strung with tension. “you hate me? good. you fucking should. but if you don’t want me -” he paused before his voice could break. “if you don’t want me you need to let me go.” maybe the most cliched thing he’d ever said. chase had never been the eloquent one. he was more in favor of doing than talking, but there was nothing to be done here. not now.  he already knew what was coming, but he didn’t think he’d ever be prepared for it. chase closed his eyes and fought the impulse to cry, to leave, to flee. the danger didn’t matter to him. he’d survived worse, and he would again. but this, the purgatory, the waiting - he couldn’t do it. he couldn’t do it and he couldn’t keep trying.  he looked different now. maybe that was just imagined due to the distance between them. not older, just - changed, wiser, guarded - something chase couldn’t find a name for. he wasn’t chase’s to have, not anymore. but god...god, chase was his, and it was fucking killing him.

[chasestxin]

im-not-a-liar:

There had always been a certain amount of tension between them, but now it was a different kind - one that felt liable to snap at any moment, leading to disastrous and irreparable consequences. The tension in his body was palpable. He crossed over to the kitchen counter, pausing only to remove the exact thing Chase thought of: cigarettes. Not menthols. In the weeks that had passed without contact, he’d changed to something different, something stronger, and the shift felt oddly symbolic of the distance tat existed between them. It was something else Chase didn’t know about him. 

“But you are here.” It was a stupid response. It sounded heavy on his tongue. Forced. “You’re not safe out there. You have to stay.” Because of him, Chase was now on Penguin’s radar. He would protect him regardless of what had happened between them, and regardless of the strange, charged atmosphere that rose whenever they were in the same room. He didn’t know how to act now. Even before, there had always been a sense of restraint. When he’d wanted to touch Chase or kiss him, even something so simple as brushing their fingers together, he’d forced himself to hold back. 

The blood on Chase’s lip caught his attention. They’d been bitten raw. He frowned and moved forward, lifted his hand, and a light touch on Chase’s arm urged his hand away from his mouth. “Stop.” 

"you don't want me here." a low blow, a gut punch, but chase was desperate for something, anything to change the circumstances. to stop this awful fucking pity. even if that meant making him angry. even if that meant making him hurt. chase would take anything thierry was willing to give him, but not charity. never charity. “he doesn’t want me here,” he added, hand moving to wrap around thierry’s wrist. 

“besides, i’m not safe anywhere.” every home he’d ever had ended up being destroyed somehow. maybe he just wasn’t meant to have one. maybe this was karma for trying to stay here in a city that was rejecting him like a bad organ transplant. for chasing a boy who used to love him.

it’s what he did, because it’s what he was good at. he kept moving, because he didn’t want to know what would happen when he stopped. because he wasn’t ready to find out. but god, his friends were all grown up and gone away, and he was alone. the only girl he’d ever loved had died in his arms twice and the only boy he’d ever loved didn’t want him anymore.  but god, he was so tired of running. 

[chasestxin]

im-not-a-liar:

Standing in this room with Chase felt surreal, as if he were looking at a ghost. Unbidden, he thought of how things had been had he stayed, how he would move around the apartment, smiling at him with that same smile and pushing his hair back from his forehead. It made him both sad and angry. That dream had been ruined a long time ago. He’d found a new one, with Tommy, and now it was threatened. He couldn’t bear the idea of either of them to be taken away from him, but he didn’t know how to walk that delicate balance without going too far. 

Nodding, his gaze shifted away and stared at the too-clean kitchen. Chase had been the one who knew him while he lived with the other man, the one who had supported him financially and made sure he was comfortable. Chase why the reason why he’d left that situation - even though he hadn’t meant to, he had changed Thierry’s life for the better. He’d left that toxic situation and the crystal chandeliers and large, ornate balconies. 

“I still worry,” he said softly, turning his back so he wouldn’t have to meet his eyes. It went against every instinct that used to burn inside him. The urge to touch had dimmed, but the love hadn’t. He wasn’t sure if it ever would. It wasn’t like how he felt for Tommy, but there was a difference that tore at him. It felt like an impossible choice: someone who had hurt him so much but now claimed to love him, and someone who treated him so well but couldn’t return the sentiment (not aloud, anyway). “You don’t have to yet,” he said, too quickly. He couldn’t help but fear that if Chase left the room then he might never see him again.

it would be so easy to misstep, to ruin things beyond all repair - and yet chase hadn’t managed it yet, so maybe he was wrong. he chewed on his lip until it started to bleed, wishing for a cigarette if only for something to do but not willing to ask. besides, he figured, tea probably still liked those fucking menthols. 

“i shouldn’t be here.” indelicate but necessary. he couldn’t do this, sitting around in someone else’s home, acting like he belonged when they all knew otherwise. he hated this city and he was beginning to get the feeling it hated him right back, but he wouldn’t leave as long as thierry wanted him around at all - and even that brought new difficulties, it seemed. this could’ve been theirs. this could’ve been his. but he’d fucked everything up, because that was what he did best, and he couldn’t change it now.  it wasn’t right, this too-clean, too-bright apartment. it wasn’t what he knew. he refused to consider the possibility it was what he wanted. he closed his eyes, slowed his breathing, fought the wave of anxiety he could feel looming at the edges of his mind. not now. not here. but shit, he realized, too late to be of any use - he didn’t have anywhere else to go. the van had been a step up from the street, but he’d take that over this if he had to. at least out there, the pity would be for something he could deal with. better hell than purgatory.

[allloversbetray]

With this bullet lodged in my chest, covered with your name, I will turn myself into a gun, because          it’s all I have, because I’m hungry and hollow and just want something to call my own. I’ll be your slaughterhouse, your killing floor, your morgue and final resting, walking around with this         bullet inside me ‘cause I couldn’t make you love me and I’m tired of pulling your teeth.

Richard Siken, excerpt from Wishbone (via allloversbetray)

[ @im-not-a-liar ]

[hellanne]

Some things, once you’ve loved them, become yours forever. And if you try to let them go, they only circle back and return to you. They become a part of who you are, or they destroy you.

Kill Your Darlings (2013)

[ @im-not-a-liar​ ]

[chasestxin]

and all you can hear is the sound of your own heart

it's four am, it's seven, it's nine am and chase still can’t sleep because he still can’t breathe. he can’t blame it on his ribs anymore but he can’t breathe and he’s been drifting in and out of reality for hours now and the world feels like a fever dream, like he keeps opening his eyes to different worlds. like if he tries long enough, eventually he’ll find one where he’s happy. where they’re happy. 

when chase was twelve years old he snapped at his father and got a black eye and swollen lip for it. they didn’t speak of it but his mother pressed an ice pack to his cheek and told him he’s doing it because he loves you, and chase believed her. chase believes her still, even now. after alex became someone he never knew at all, after gert put him together and tore him apart, after molly and karolina and nico all left him, he believes her, because what chase has learned is this: loving people brings you hurt. loving people brings you hurt that you cannot imagine until you’ve felt it, and it will break you down every time.  he thinks that’s why it took him so long to admit it, really. that it wasn’t entirely about (his brain still stumbles over the words) internalized homophobia because the thing he was really afraid of was loving anyone at all. he still wakes up smelling peroxide and purple sometimes and it breaks his heart every time and he’s scared, he’s so scared of letting that happen to him again.  but it did, because you can’t force yourself not to love, no matter how you try to. no matter how much you want to. he knows that now. it’s too late to admit it, but he knows now, and he wants to say he’s not going to make the same mistake again but he’s smart enough to know it’d be a lie.  chase is stuck.  he is stuck in this city, he is stuck in his head. he is stuck by himself, which is the worst part of it. and he can’t stay here. he can’t stay here because it’s fucking killing him. but he can’t make himself leave. it’s taken him this long to admit that yes, gert deserved better, but so did the rest of them. so did he, as difficult as that is to think, as much as he still doesn’t believe it. 

[chasestxin]

im-not-a-liar:

Sleep hadn’t come easily to him that night. Josh’s help had been enough to put him at ease, at least, and he’d thanked him and offered payment for his quick response and the aid he’d rendered. A gnawing guilt was eating at him, and he’d tossed and turned in the cool sheets, likely keeping Tommy awake, and stared across the room at the dark windows until he couldn’t see anything else. 

The next morning, he got dressed as quietly as possible so he wouldn’t wake up Tommy. He started to pull his hair back, but then decided to leave it down. He told himself that it wasn’t because he knew that was the way Chase liked it. Maybe part of him wanted to keep reminding Chase of what he’d left behind. It was the cruel part of him. 

Slipping out of the bedroom, he frowned with concern when he saw that Chase was up. The blood on the couch looked even more garish in the morning light and he avoided looking at it. “How are you feeling?” he asked quietly, looking him over as if to see if any injuries remained.

chase's heart felt like it was physically aching, but he knew that had to be more imaginary than anything else, so he shrugged, mumbled “i’m fine,” feeling more uncomfortable now than before. he’d been too focused on the pain to think much on the situation here, but his mind was unhelpfully free to focus on it now, and it was just about as bad as he’d expected. he didn’t want to be here - it didn’t feel right, not with the way they were building a real fucking life here, one he wasn’t supposed to be anywhere near. 

thierry might have said otherwise. if asked, chase was certain he would, but the facts were still the same - chase didn’t belong here, he didn’t want to belong here, not the way things were, but he’d stay anyway, because he couldn’t break tea’s heart again. it was presumptuous of him to even think he could, but he wouldn’t risk it. if he asked chase to stay, he’d stay until told otherwise.  “all fixed,” he added after a brief silence, “don’t worry.” it was difficult to be so far from him, now, and worse still that he was feeling the distance this way. he’d never had to hesitate before moving closer, never had to stop himself from touching - even before things got complicated and hard and messy chase had always been tactile with thierry in a way he hadn’t with anyone else since gert. it wasn’t about sex (at least, at first, it wasn’t) but the contact was comforting in a way he’d never really known. “i’ll be out of your hair soon.” his lip twisted, but he couldn’t make himself smile.

[chasestxin]

[ @im-not-a-liar <3 ]

chase's first thought upon waking was ow, followed shortly by what happened, followed by where am i. he’d been lucid last night, but the whole thing had been bad enough he’d kind of hoped it was a nightmare. thierry’s ceiling and newly-bloodstained couch said otherwise, and he sat up with a muffled groan and stretched. at some point someone’d left a blanket draped over him - thierry, he figured - but who knew how long ago that’d been as the sun was already high and bright. it was a nice place, he decided, now that he could focus a little better. nice, if a little empty.  he could get used to this. it wasn’t a thought he’d wanted to have. sounds stirred from what he could only assume was the bedroom (their bedroom, he reminded himself, tommy’s as well as tea’s), and he turned towards the sound. 

[sospeedy]

Payback

Characters: @im-not-a-liar @sospeedy @chasestxin @goldenelixxir

Mentions: @whatoswaldwants

Keep reading