Chasing The Equilibrium

Hi, my name is Tyler. I am 16, I live in Dallas and I want to be happy. I’m on medication that somehow puts more serotonin in my brain, however, I would like to handle my lack of chemical balance on my own. This is my journey to the magical middle.

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This is Natalie.

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Highschool Dating

It's not for me. These relationships are educational, yes, but will they make me happy? I mean, Jake is perfect and I don't know if I could date him even if he liked me. I am only beginning to figure out how to handle myself, and adding a boy into the mix would probably throw me off. I'm finally finding balance, and I'm afraid a boy, even Jake, would upset it. Jake is unrealistic, he likes Cassidy. I need to stop professing love every five minutes. But would it make me happy? Maybe. I don't want to have to worry about how I look or whether I'm a good kisser or not. I don't want to get caught up in the surface dilemmas. I dream of a boy who thinks I'm a good kisser, not because of the way I kiss, but because it's me who's kissing him. Someone who doesn't really care too much about whether I'm wearing makeup or not, because he's just happy to see me. I think he exists in the form of Jake. If only Jake could see me that way. I don't think he understands himself yet, so he's not ready for something at that level. I like that he's with Cassidy. She makes him happy. I must stop talking about Jake. I'm ready for a relationship that means something, but I'm not sure the boys that surround me are. So I will wait.

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Jason

Jason is a boy who is perfect. Not actually, but he's close enough. He's funny and intelligent and so interesting. I like him so much, and he likes me, but he doesn't know everything. He knows I kissed his best friend last summer, but he doesn't know that it went a lot farther than that. He told me he was a virgin and that he'd only kissed five girls, and I've never felt so dirty and unworthy of someone in my life. I'm so tainted. I know that the right person will accept me, but I don't want him to. I want him to be with someone who waited for love, who saved herself for the right guy. My therapist will say I shouldn't feel like I'm less than other girls, but I will. I am less than the pure and holies. I lost my virginity to a guy I barely knew. That was the choice I made. That's what I need to deal with.

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Kidzheimer's

My dad used to say I had Kidzheimer's, because I can't remember anything. It was always a joke, but now I think it's serious. I must have some sort of memory problem, because I can't remember last night and I can't remember anything from today. I know what happened I just can't picture it. I remember a small amount of my thoughts, and I'm almost positive that the small amount of things I can picture are implanted from photographs. I can remember voices, but not what they said. I can remember what I ate for breakfast, but not how it tasted. I can't remember anything from the party. I know what happened, but I can't see it or hear it or smell it. I know what it smelled, looked, and sounded like. But only because I know that there were fires, I took pictures, and I know there was music. I see the doctor on friday, so maybe I can work it out. I'm just scared.

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I Can Cry If I Want To

I had a party with all my favorite people last night. There was music and laughter and all the elements needed to create a good party, but I was off. It started out fine. My two best friends came over beforehand and we hung out and put candles in my pool. Then other people showed up. I was good for a while, but then I started getting bored, and then I began to evaluate my situation. There are these two boys, Jack and Jonah. They're probably my favorite boys in the world, even though I don't know Jack at all. They're both wonderful. Last night neither boy talked to me. I don't think I mind Jack too much, but the lack of Jonah's attention drove me nuts. He sat there and had in depth conversations with every girl but me. Its not that I'm clingy, but on your birthday, at your party, you're best guy friend should pay attention to you, right? He was sad last night because the girl he likes wasn't paying attention to him. That's understandable and okay, but I just wish he had spent some time with me. Then the people who weren't sleeping over left. And things got worse, then better. Jonah told that girl to fuck off and she cried for a long time in the bathroom. I sat with her and comforted and loved her. She's my best friend. I can't pick a side or understand why I need to. They're both wrong. I want to fix them somehow. I think she has really intense abandonment issues. She likes Jonah, but once it became a real thing, once he broke up with his girlfriend and wanted things to start happening, she freaked out and backed off. We all went to sleep. I liked being in the bathroom with her more than any part of the night. Last night was boring and I won't remember much of it, but I will remember making her feel better. That girl owns a large chunk of my heart and she's more important than some lame party.

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A Day In The Life Of Yours Truly (Boring)

MORNING I woke up at 6:30 this morning. I went back to sleep. I woke up at 6:50. I ate oatmeal. I eat oatmeal every day. I thought about how I needed to play Just Dance so that i could wake up and then I thought about how I need to meditate. I did not do either thing. SCHOOL I went to school. I slept through half of chemistry. I then woke up and researched how to make my boobs get bigger. I listened to my geometry teacher talk about her dog biting her pinky off last weekend and threw up in my mouth. I went to lunch, and there my friends and I had drama. I went to comedy class, and I volunteered for an improv, which is very out of character for me. I went to WHAP, and slept. AFTER SCHOOL Then I walked Jonah to 7-11 and discussed how he would break up with his absolutely gorgeous girlfriend. I went to music, and I sang and played guitar. I came home and planned my birthday party. I went to Joann's and bought stuff for design class. I came home again and talked to Jonah on the phone about his breakup. I came out as a Buddhist to my mom, who tried to bully me into being a Christian Buddhist. I burst into tears and holed up in my room where I now write to you. Now, I have to have done something worth remembering about this day. WHAT I SHALL REMEMBER Massaging my boobs in a counterclockwise motion with fenugreek oil for ten minutes twice a day will make them grow a cup size in a month. Not meditating makes me feel bad. Jonah loves me just as much as I love him.

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Too Lonely To Function

I watched Pitch Perfect tonight. That's where the ache began. There's this guy names Jesse in it who is not only a movie buff but can sing and dance. I realize this is not in the realm of possibilities for me. I know that Jesse does not exist. However, though his talents and tastes are superior to those of most males, I liked that he really cared for whats-her-face. 

I am shaking. I mean, only a little but still. I crave attention and love so much. I want to be sincerely cared for. 

I know I'm young and have a full life to look forward to, but I'm not very patient. I try to stay as much in the present as possible. I could die at age nineteen and have never really been in love. Thats too frightening to even consider. 

I think that I don't want validation anymore. I'm not sure of my subconscious motivations anymore, which is very foreign to me. I don't know why I feel so lonely. 

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11:11

Wishes are dumb. I truly believe that my wish will come true every time I blow on a dandelion, and then am seriously disappointed when it doesn't. No genie is going to pop out of a lamp and make me happy. I must be content with the things I can provide for myself. 

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"We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It’s easy. The first girl I ever loved was someone I knew in sixth grade. Her name was Missy; we talked about horses. The last girl I love will be someone I haven’t even met yet, probably. They all count. But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you’ll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there’s still one more tier to all this; there is always one person who you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it always happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of those lovable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else."

- Killing Yourself To Live: Chuck Klosterman. 

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Typical Boy Problems

I like a boy who is in love with my best friend. Typical teenage problem. I forgot how stressful it is to be typical. I'm in a minority of the teenage population in everything but love. My boy problems are ordinary and boring. I wish I was a lesbian just for the change of pace.

There is a good chance I will never be properly courted by a gentleman with good intentions. It is likely that boys wouldn't pick witty banter and interesting conversation over sex. Boys are just not as chivalrous as they once were.

However, I hold on. I cling to the hope that one day there will be a good man who will care for me. I picture him and feel the butterflies bounce around my stomach, and I think to myself that he's just around the corner, and that he'll enter my life soon.

Then time passes and I cave. I am horny and tired of waiting for Prince Charming. I need validation more than anything. So I hook up with a guy who doesn't care the tiniest bit about my well being, then feel guilty and empty for days. 

I'm realizing that my regret never outweighs my satisfaction. I feel validated for a moment, but then it vaporizes. 

All of this is very typical. It's ordinary and boring, but it's my current feeling, and it's valid. I'll promise myself that there's a guy out there for me so I can get some sleep, then wake up with a craving for male attention.However, I'm learning to resist, and wait until someone cares about me and not my vagina. 

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Hi.

Hi, my name is Tyler. I am 16, I live in Dallas and I want to be happy. I'm on medication that somehow puts more serotonin in my brain, however, I would like to handle my lack of chemical balance on my own. This is my journey to the magical middle.