Journal for my pregnancy with twins

This is where I will share my experiences, concerns, hormonal freak outs, and random musings while I power through my first pregnancy, that just happens to be a set of twins.

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Positive post #whatever

My depression, recently, managed to get the better of me. Basically it took over completely.

All of my energy went into my kids. But even that started to become overwhelming and that needed to change. There is no way in hell I am going to let this affect my kids.

I tried turning to friends, but none of them can actually help. I tried turning to professional help but it makes me uncomfortable.

So I said fuck it and decided to youtube yoga videos. I have an hour and a half at nap time, on average. My children and I have a routine that we follow and this includes keeping the house straight. But for nap time I had gotten into the habbit of just sitting in front of the computer and stagnating. I have grown disgusted with myself and I needed a change.

I am not in shape in anyway, and the only knowledge of yoga I have came from a video I watched for a week once back in 2006. (I couldn’t even tell you the name of it if I tried.) That being said, I at least knew it was low impact enough to not seem so daunting a task. Plus I am in my own home by myself so there is no real anxiety about messing up.

I have not felt this relaxed in years. I haven’t been going at it long (a few days) but I definitely notice a change.

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Toddlers are the Kryptonite of Productivity.

I love my children. They are pretty awesome and hilarious 100% of the time.

They are also my favorite excuse to not do stuff.

“Oooh, see I would have done the dishes, but the girls started tackling the dog and it was hilarious.”

“I started doing laundry, but then I desperately needed to chase the girls around the kitchen.”

“I didn’t go shopping today because the girls needed to go to the park because they like the way the dirt there tastes.”

Sure, I get lots of stuff done. Cleaning, laundry, cooking, etc. but I will never feel guilty for trading those tasks for mushing my kids.

I have been chastised for being a stay at home mom and letting things get a bit untidy. It got under my skin at first. I’d feel guilty, or even like an inferior parent, but I realized that I honestly do not care about the ‘haters’ anymore. I am tired of the mom-bashing/ parent bashing. I know I have been guilty of it in the past, however, I am working on not doing it anymore.

My kids are happy and healthy and fairly well behaved for toddlers, so I am going to continue to do my thing and enjoy my children. Even if it means I skip folding clothes for a day.

And If I come across a mom who neurotically cleans her house to keep her sanity, I will high-five her for doing her thing like a boss. Same goes for working moms, stay at home dads, whatever. There is too much hate and not enough kid mushing. :)

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Another one for the Positive column

Tomorrow in the early hours I will be leaving to take the girls on their first camping trip. Sunday to Sunday with two 19mo toddlers.

I am excited. I know they won’t remember any of it. But I will. Their dad cannot come with as his work would not give him the vacation time he requested, but he isn’t much for camping anyway. But with a quiet house, it will be his own vacation.

Instead we will be with my mom, brother, aunts, uncle, and cousins. So I will have a hand or 2.

I am looking forward to being surrounded by people who want to help out, and also fishing. Our sites are right along the river so I can be fishing but still within earshot of my kids, which will be nice.

I hope, in the future, at least one of my girls will enjoy camping the way I do. I don’t know if that is a selfish thought but it is nice to think about.

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Squee!

Both of my daughters have taken their first steps this week! And learned to climb up on everything!

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Milestone

Two days ago my one daughter took her first proper steps! She walked to my mom. Then yesterday she walked to my dad. She still has not walked in front of my husband.

That’s okay, though, because he met them first, he saw them roll over first, and he saw them crawl first. As a SAHM, somehow I kept missing the milestones.

I finally got one. Ahahahahaha!

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Dear Alcoholic,

I get that I am living in YOUR house. I am sorry. BELIEVE ME, I don’t want to be here any more than you want me here.(Which I am all to aware is -Not at all). Hopefully by year’s end my family and I will be far, far away.  I understand that you ‘have a disease’ [my opinion is moot] and there is no cure. I know full well about the risks detox and withdrawal can bring you. I just wish I had a way to explain to you what an awful fucking person you are.

You have been in my life for almost two fucking decades. I have seen you sober, and I have seen you fall far off that wagon. I used to like the sober you. I did. But, I was just a kid then so I was too naive to see through all of your bullshit. So here is a list, in no particular order, of the things you should know:

The first thing I want you to know is: I know. You can’t hide your drinking. I have seen you drunk for almost two decades. (Let’s pretend that I can’t just smell it.) The minute you take a sip of your white wine or your cheap vodka your face physically, and drastically changes.

The second thing I want you to know is you go through a delightful array of mood swings. The first couple sips make you everyone’s best friend. But then you have a couple more and you babble incoherently. Theeeeeeeeen comes the fun part. Once someone can’t understand what the fuck you just slurred out, you rage. You name call, and you throw a temper tantrum.

Third: Did I mention that I know? See, you leave the house every day with the same excuses. ‘Oh, gotta get cigs.’ Even if you have two brand new packs sitting on the table. (Guess you forget to hide those) But you also don’t ever leave the house until 11am, which is when all liquor stores are finally opened.

Fourth: You dumb cunt, I know you drive drunk. I just wish I knew what fucking stores you hit so I can call the cops on you. The fact that you have no regard for anyone’s lives disgusts me.

Fifth: I know your hiding spots.

Sixth I know how much you hate me. You tell me all the time what a piece of shit I am when no one else is home. It’s also pretty obvious when you arbitrarily make up reasons to yell at me. One minute, your cookware is hand-wash only. The next it should go in the dish washer. I love when you count dishes to make sure I am not sneaking off with them. I also enjoy when you yell at me for cooking food in ‘the wrong pan’. Guess what? I also know which cleaners to use on which surfaces because you tell me. constantly. even though I am not mentally deficient and have cleaned things before.

Seventh: I want so badly to blow up your fucking spot on Facebook you fucking liar. You post up how much fun you have with ‘your grandbabies’ and how delighted you are to spend all this time with them. FUCK YOU. All you do is get drunk as shit and use me as your verbal punching bag. You yell at me to keep them out of your things (which you have done jack shit about baby-proofing...I can only keep toddlers out of so much, kthnxbye)

You are not a good grandmother. You are a shitty human being. IN FACT you almost had my fucking kids taken away because you answered the phone drunk. It was the pediatricians office. You kept dropping the phone, slurring, and yelling. DYFS was at your fucking house to make sure the babies were ok. You asshat. THANKFULLY when they showed up, you weren’t home.

Yeah, that lady that shows up to ‘help us fins housing’ is really there making sure my children’s lives aren’t in danger. Thanks for that, you stupid shit.

Let’s not forget how THE DAY THEY FINALLY CAME HOME you were so shitfaced, before we even got home, that you fell the fuck down and busted your head. You didn’t even give a shit.

The next morning, when i should have been taking a breath of relief because my babies were finally home, I got a phone call. That phone call was your husband asking me to make sure you hadn’t died. This is not a joke. After all that turmoil of being in the nicu, i was actually asked to check and see if there was a dead fucking body in the house.

But you don’t give a shit. So long as all the people on your friends list think you are miss happy super fucking grandma, that’s all that matters.

I struggle every day against my depression so that I can make sure my kids are happy and healthy and learning properly. It drains me to the core. Instead of being supportive, or even just leaving me the hell alone, you treat me like garbage. I am tired of being your punching bag.

I fucking hate you.

[cheapfasteasy]

Positive Post#3

I was able to take a long hot shower during nap time.

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Positive post # 2

A little over 9 years ago, my husband and I went on our first date. At the time we had only met/ bumped into each other twice. The second time I threw him my phone number and he handed it right back to me. (He wanted my email instead since 'minutes were expensive'.

We agreed to meet up for a kind of getting-to-know-you type date. We met in the local mall, because it was kind of neutral and we are apparently both super lame.

I was working over-nights so this date took place about 4 hours before I had to be at work. This meant I rolled out of bed and barely pulled myself together enough to leave the house. When I got to the mall I realized two things: 1.) I was starving 2.) I was broke.

We met up in the food court and he immediately offered to by me food. I declined his offer by lying and saying I had just eaten. I couldn't let this stranger buy my broke-ass food before he even knew whether or not he liked me. Not my style.

He went ahead and got himself some pizza and we sat down to continue our conversation. What it was about, I honestly have no idea. All I know is that I was mid sentence when he picked up his plate of fresh-from-the-oven pizza and pulled it close to his face to get a good whiff of the aroma.

I, without thought nor hesitation, reached out and slapped the bottom of the plate, whacking him in the face with his lunch.

This guy that I did not know for more than three days, was now staring at me in disbelief as he pulled molten cheese from his goa-tee. He could have left right then and there, and honestly I wouldn't have blamed him. Don't get me wrong, I regret nothing about my actions, but I still would have understood if he left. Instead he stayed and gave me a stern talking-to about the important bond between a man and his pizza.

9. Years. That man, somehow, has put up with my immaturity for 9 years. I love him. :-)

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☺

Most of my posts have been rather negative. Today (despite anxiety over CHOP appointment tomorrow) I have decided to start posting as positively as I can. I can't promise to always post positive things, but I need to try and be less negative all the time.

So for positive post #1:

My kids are silly and adorable. All.The. Time. They laugh a lot and usually at each other. They definitely have conversations now. I have no idea what the hell they are saying, but I am pretty sure they have started plotting world domination. The dog is in on it, too.

They love Elmo/Sesame street and The Chica Show. They hear the music and voices and their heads snap towards the tv. Then they light up with these huge smiles and bubbling happy noises. Granted, they don't watch for long, because they suddenly need to slam a block against the gate/dog/sister/mom.

Still, it's cute.

Or when we go to my friend's place to hang with her and her twins (boy and girl 2yrs) All four kids spend hours playing. The older twins love my girls. The minute we show up they start bringing my girls toys or food. If my girls start to cry, the older two bring blankets and give hugs and kisses. Honestly, it's cuteness overload.

The best, though, is when Daddy comes home. The smiles he gets out of our girls...In that little moment, it is like there is nothing wrong. There was never anything wrong. There never will be anything wrong.

I know that isn't true. But, that is the most wonderful little moment, and I get to live it every day.

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Click here to support Fire Rescue Fund by Sarah Lynn Spector

Pemberton fire displaces six On Friday, January 23, 2015 my daughter and her cousins, grandparents, father and brother lost all of their belongings in a house fire that occured while they were attending a funeral for her Great Grandmother. They are in need of numerous things to get back on their...

This page was set up by a long-time friend of mine. Her daughter is one of the 6 now displaced. I am just trying to spread the word and get help.

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It's been a while...

I find myself being the mother of two 1yr olds. That's weird. They are doing really well developmentally. According to the physical therapist (who has been at my house twice a week for the last 8 months) they are developing skills quickly and are steadily bridging the gap between their corrected age (9mo) and their actual age (almost 14 mo).

They are both still on feeding tubes, though.

And I recently found out that they should have been seen waaaaaaay more frequently by the neonatal high-risk specialists and the feeding/speech specialists.

High-risk (Located in hospital we spent majority of time in): Should have been seen once a month for AT LEAST the first 6 months after discharge. ACTUALLY seen : Once, in October. (5mo after discharge) Reason? "You need a dual appointment since you have twins and that is the earliest available block, but you can keep calling to check for openings."  (Despite calling, I was told no new openings existed, but I shouldn't worry because at least I have the appointment.)

Feeding/speech (Located in PA *CHOP, where we spent our last week before finally coming home): Should have been seen once a month for AT LEAST the first 6 months after discharge. ACTUALLY seen : Twice. Once in July ( 2 mo after discharge.) Once in September (2 mo after previous appointment). Reason? "You need a dual appointment since you have twins and that is the earliest available block, but you can keep calling to check for openings."  Tried calling, and would get voicemails, disconnected, or constant, endless ringing.

I have contacted social workers, hospital department heads, our pediatrician...and I have gotten nowhere. All I get in response is "Oh wow, we are so sorry. That shouldn't have happened. We are making a note so this won't happen again."

I am particularly pissed off at CHOP. They are the ones in charge of the Rx needed to get the feeding tube supplies for my children. I am in desperate need of these supplies and they have been painfully difficult to get in touch with. I spent the last two days trying to explain, to the woman i FINALLY got in touch with, my predicament and she said "well I haven't checked my voicemail recently, but if you really need stuff just take your kids to the E.R. and they'll get new stuff to hold you over until you figure it out."

Take my, currently healthy, children who are incredibly susceptible to upper respiratory infections, to the E.R. in the middle of flu season, just to get two, fucking, tubes.

CHOP- "We are the number one children's hospital in the nation!" How about go fuck yourselves? I chose my insurance coverage based on what they accepted, so my children would be covered. -- Oh sorry, our suppliers no longer have a contract with them so you'll have to pay out of pocket. (Also, we are legally allowed to mark-up supply costs by 800% because your lives are our bread n butter n fancy cars) Their awesome outpatient care? -- Yeah just risk your children's lives by taking them to your local E.R. when they need the supplies we won't help you get. Also we won't bother answering your calls ever, or checking our voicemail, or calling you back.

I have been meticulously cleaning what few supplies I have, to stretch their usefulness as far as possible while waiting and begging for someone at "The number one children's hospital in the nation" to help my children.

This is my major source of stress. But let's also add the following:

Husband searching for new job before he rage quits current job.

Living with unemployed alcoholic who verbally/emotionally abuses me.

Trying to find/afford new place to live.

Mother currently being tested for cancer.

Insomnia/anxiety/depression.

The only thing I have to blow off steam are the paintings I have been doing for my girls' room. I might post them up later, but for now I just needed to vent before I jammed a fucking spoon in my eye. (I hear it's less painful to deal with)

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7 1/2 months

So, my chunky little crib-lizards are a little over 7 months old now. And it's fucking with my head.

They are still on feeding tubes, but they are getting better with a bottle.

The little one has to go in for a sleep study regarding her breathing. And we still don't have much to go on with her brain bleed.

When I am home with just them, the dog, and my thoughts, everything is fine. They are happy. The dog LOVES them. And all i see are my chubby little drool factories being babies.

Then I go out into the world and see how very different they still are. I see kids that are 7 months old who are leaps and bounds ahead of my girls. And it takes away the joy of my daughter rolling over for the first time yesterday.

I have been scolded by strangers for bringing them out in public with "all those medical issues, you are being irresponsible." Apparently One tube on the face means my kid is going to die because of my parenting. ((THis happens more often than I am comfortable accepting. Never in my life have I thought to attack someone like that))

I see kids that are their corrected age... and even they are way ahead.

I know I shouldn't compare, but it breaks my heart. I want so badly to catch them up. It's just so hard for me to gauge what they should be doing. Every dr gives me a different answer. Pediatrician says they should be here, while physical therapist says they should be there, and the high risk neonatal follow up team says they should be in between.

I try to talk to my dad about it and all he responds with is "Your children are normal. Doctors are assholes. You should find new ones." On the opposite side of that spectrum is my husband who takes the drs word as gospel. Which would be nice but he does it for all of them and doesn't seem to understand why I am so confused and upset.

I took the girls to the eating specialists yesterday and got questioned as to why I didn't do things a different way. I said that I was following their orders, and they responded with " well really you should have known to also do this." That was a nice kick to the gut. It was also my first visit back to their last hospital. So, hello Triggers. I couldn't really handle being there...but it wasn't as bad as it could have been.

Not like today was.

Got to go back to the hospital that they spent all of their 154 days of NICU time, today. Walking through those doors knocked the wind out of me. I got disoriented trying to navigate. The smell of the air made my stomach knot. All I wanted to do was cry. But nope, had to drag myself into this appointment. (That I hadnt scheduled. I got a call 2 hours before about an opeing for a dr I  have been struggling to schedule.) Then I got to hold my daughter down for xrays again.

Now we have to go to a sleep study to find out if her lungs are riddled with scar tissue or fluid.

Normal babies don't need that. Normal parents don't have to see the staticy mess of their babies xray. Each white spec a beacon of damage and time lost, pain, fear, reality. It fucking sucks.

Every time I look at my girls I cry now. They have only been home 2 and a half months. This is not ok. I am not ok.

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6 months 4 days

The girls have been home for just over a month, now. (That's kind of shitty considering they are 6 months old, but it is what it is.) Overall I am over the moon that they are home. I get to squish their chubby little faces all day and see their giant toothless grins while they start their coos and gurgles. My husband has settled quite nicely into the 'dorky dad' roll. And despite a few little hiccups at home, we have a steady routine. But, a medically needy (even if only slightly) child is taxing. And I got two. They got sent home with NG tubes (feeding tubes) and my little one was also sent with oxygen. But only for over night... And she pulls the cannula off her face regularly. Basically I am paying a shit ton of money for a useless piece of equipment. The air flow is barely detectable. -_- Up until like 3 days ago, the feeding tube thing was a batch of mixed reviews. One the one hand, it was incredibly time consuming. First I had to attempt bottle feeding for half an hour. Whatever had not been consumed by mouth went in the tube. And then I'd have to start over with the next baby. So that totals out to be about an hour and ten minutes. Not counting prep and clean up. Oh, and babies and feeding tubes are just.... Not good. At least once a day I had to put an ng tube back into one of my children. This thing goes in a nostril, down the throat, and into the stomach. Let me tell you, the cry that comes out of a child unwillingly receiving this tube, is fucking upsetting. It's straight up: "why are you betraying me?! I thought you loved me!" Three days ago, though, while visiting a friend, it seems I stumbled upon a set up for bottle feeding that has been rather successful. I have kept at it, cautiously, but they seem to be responding well. I didn't plan on taking out their tubes until I knew for sure it would work. They have both pulled them out anyway. I haven't replaced them yet, and probably won't unless there is an issue. I fucking hate doing it. Oh, and we still have about 6 million doctors' appointments to go to. Pediatrician Opthalmologist Pulmonary Neurologist Speech therapist Early intervention High risk I am still emotionally exhausted. I have had a few bad days where crying happened more than anything else. And my husband is still learning how to trouble shoot babies, which is funny usually, but painfully frustrating on those bad days. Silver linings: (1)The adhesive padding for securing the tubing is going to come in real handy around Halloween. (I got waaaaaay more than the girls need) (2) the girls were on such a steady routine from the hospitals, that it only took two nights to get a sleep schedule in. So 5-6 hours a night. (Obviously not every night, but its still more often than not) (3) Thanks to all the noise in the NICU, I don't have to put the house on lockdown when the girls fall asleep. They don't flinch when the dog barks, or when Game of Thrones gets loud.

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161

We are finally going home.

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153 days/ rambling rant

The girls are 5 months old, and instead of coming home, they are getting transferred. They were off oxygen. My A baby was off for a week and a half. My baby B joined her sister 4 days ago. Today they both got put back on support. It was gut wrenching. It was only a cannula with minimum support, but I couldn't take it. Monday they get transferred to see some developmental specialists. So they will be further from home. I am physically ill over them being driven around by someone other than me. I hoped they'd be home soon, and instead someone is taking them further away. As if that wasn't enough, I heard my one daughter cry out in pain for the first time, and I just about snapped. The nurse was trying to put a sensor on her foot and she twisted her leg the wrong way. I was so upset I couldn't speak. I just grabbed my daughter's leg away from the nurse and rubbed it until she settled back down. I feel awful. I hate seeing my girls like this. I am terrified of the long term effects. I honestly wish I knew if I was doing any of this right. I've been trying to reach out and find help. That's what I keep getting told to do. It's disheartening to discover how incredibly difficult it is to find the right help when you need it most. Oh, here is a good one: One of my mother's friends, whom I have never met, wrote me a letter. It came in a very psalm-ridden card. The letter was two pages of psalms/passages from the bible and reasons why I should just ask God for help. My religious views aside, since when is that even a little bit appropriate? This is like the pastors wife who barged, unannounced and uninvited into my hospital room. ("Its OK cause I am doing God's will ") I will happily sit and have a conversation about such things with you, but a fucking heads up would be nice. Also Do not tell me my situation will be better if I just do things 'your way'. My non-belief is my own view point. Just like your belief is your own. I do not yell or bully anyone for their beliefs or lack thereof. If you aren't hurting anything/anyone, I honestly could not care less what your personal beliefs are. I intend on raising my daughters, to the best of my ability, with this guideline. I will do my best to encourage the exploration of their own spirituality. Its not something you can tell people to have. I am sorry if my lack of faith makes you uncomfortable. That doesn't give you permission to try and 'fix' me against my will. I am tired. Every fiber of my being is worn down. My friend told me I looked like I aged 20years mid conversation. My insomnia has been over staying its welcome. Tossing and turning, never quite comfortable enough to fall asleep. Stuck thinking about all the things I should have done differently. Like talking to drs or standing up for myself when I don't understand something. I need help. I need a bear hug, that I can collapse into in a fit of tears. I need a massage so intense the technique has yet to be invented. But most of all I need my babies to come home.

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135 fucking days and counting

This is like some fucked up prison sentence. Its been weeks since anything bad has happened and then tonight... Fuck. I just had to watch my daughter get resuscitated because she ate too fast. One minute she is all bright eyed and wiggly. And then nope. Awkwardly limp and losing color while sputtering. I let myself believe the worst was over and for that I'm a fucking moron. Why the fuck can't my little girls just be OK now? This is too fucking hard...

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How to strike a nerve with NICU parents

If the following list makes you uncomfortable, good. For the last 115 days my husband and I have been REGULARLY accosted with this and it needs to stop. 1. SIDS- Please, seriously, we are begging you... STOP ASKING US ABOUT IT. If you have questions, please, please, please do your own research. We have been bombarded with this as our potential reality for the next year. Yes. Despite everything you think or hope, this is real. Please stop twisting that knife in deeper because you can't be bothered to open GOOGLE. 2. "They look like normal babies!" - yeah, well, you look like the piss-boy. This is not a complement. This is a reminder that our babies came out looking wrong. 24 week gestation babies are not exciting. It's fucking scary. 3. "You should put up pics on Facebook"- please see #2. We love our daughters. We appreciate your enthusiasm and anticipation to see/meet them. HOWEVER, we are not comfortable in broadcasting our own personal hell all over the internet. Please take into consideration how horrible it is to constantly see our children in the state they are in. The pictures taken are incredibly personal. Please just drop it. 4. "When are the coming home?/ Are they being sent home with monitors?" -I assure you, if we have a date it will be shouted from the roof tops. Since you haven't heard joyous yelling, we don't know. We don't have a clue. And since we have no reference for when they are coming home, we have no idea what they will be sent home with. To ask every time we speak just kills us because we can't answer. 5. "Well, they will be home soon enough."- oh? Really? 115 days and counting is totally nothing... There is no such thing as 'soon' anymore. This isn't like waiting for your amazon delivery. 6. "Why were they so early?/ What did you do?" - After injecting myself with a cocktail of household cleaners, I let my husband punch me in the gut. Contrary to popular belief, the parents aren't always at fault for premature babies. I did nothing, and yet my cervix didn't work. Thank you. I feel horrible. I tried my damnedest to prevent this and it happened anyway and the guilt has me in a chokehold. Thank you. 7. "At least you can sleep while they are away." Yes, lying awake hoping a complete stranger will take care of my daughters, being assaulted by horrifying nightmares, panicking every time the phone rings = sleeping. 8. "Just be positive..." - please stop taking the behavior of 'hope for the best prep for the worst' as negativity. It's called being realistic. Acting like everything is sunshine and rainbows doesn't actually help anything. If I put on pants, that's me being positive. 9. "Could you imagine still being pregnant? / You dodged a bullet with early delivery." I can easily imagine still being pregnant. The thought keeps me up at night sobbing because that didn't happen. I would happily go into week long labor without an epidural if it meant they had stayed in longer. Hell, I would have let a doctor take a leg and a kidney of it would have helped. 10. "Just give it up to God/ God doesn't give you more than you can handle." OK first off, my children need care 24/7 and god doesn't work on Sundays. I choose science. Thanks. And if God gave me this...then yes...I got waaaaaaaaay more than I can handle. Way. More. 11. "My sister's friend's cousin gave birth a month early 10 years ago and her kid is fine"... I am glad everything worked out. Doesn't help. Doesn't bring peace of mind. No we don't want to talk to some stranger. 12. " oh they weigh how much? Surely they will can come home now! What's the hold up?" Weight does not a healthy baby make. There are a ton of problems with preemies. Our girls are "chronic lung babies". Yes they are both great weights now, but their lungs are in shitty shape and part of it is an unavoidable result of the horribly necessary breathing support they have been on. 13. "Just wait, you'll be praying for the quiet once they are home. " No we won't be. Every scream, cry, wail, burble, hiccup, and coo will be cherished more than you can possibly imagine. We will be more thankful for the nights spent awake trying to calm our upset daughters down because we will finally be the ones doing that. 14. "You should come put and..." Yeah..um.. About that. My husband can go out, and probably should do so. For me, it isn't easy. I have a 2 hour window to work with thanks to pumping breast milk. As much as the task annoys me, I will not sacrifice the most valuable nutrition to my children cause you want me to come out. If I hang I need a place to sit uninterrupted to pump for a half hour. I need to be able to store my milk in a cold place. And its really awkward to sit in a room alone while a large group of people are on the other side of a door. Nothing like feeling left out. Sorry if I don't jump right on that. 15. "They just couldn't wait/ They must have been ready." Just...no. All of the no forever. 16. "You don't even look like you had twins!" Again, not the complement you think it is. It's not an accomplishment I am happy about. My body failed and it's really hard to deal with. 17. "It's like they are in daycare!" Show me your day care bill, I'll show you mine. Also traditionally, one takes heir children home from day care, my children have yet to come home. Thanks again for the reminder. 18. "I haven't heard from you.." Honestly, we are sorry, but anything other than babies and doctors kind of doesn't occur to us right now. Hit us up. We will talk, usually. But please don't take it personally when we don't respond immediately, or remember possible plans or to call back. This is like life-tunnel vision. And sorry, but nothing else is nearly as important. 19. "I wish there was something I could do." There is. There are a few things, but its not always easy for us to say. So here is my stab at it. One read this list and understand it. This has been building up for a while and sadly some of this has had to be spelled out despite being explained before. Another thing is home cooked meals. Hospital food and pb&js are my staple. I am too exhausted to handle anything more complicated. Ask how my husband and I are, Don't ask how we are. Meaning don't forget to ask about us. We are falling apart at the seams but aren't going to bring it up to just anyone because... Don't ask if you aren't ready for a shitty answer. We have both been asked and the minute we start to explain and let it out, people suddenly get distracted or start telling us to be positive. If hearing sad things makes you uncomfortable, its ok. We don't think less of you. We don't like sad shit either, but this is what we got at the moment...sooo..yeah... Don't put us all in an uncomfortable spot. There. It's off our chests. We are incredibly grateful for the support from everyone. And understand that everyone has their own way of showing it. Without it, we'd be way more lost than we are. It's amazing to see the love and care our little family has in our time of need. But these things listed are so very hard for us to deal with daily and we just can't keep doing it.