So, my chunky little crib-lizards are a little over 7 months old now. And it's fucking with my head.
They are still on feeding tubes, but they are getting better with a bottle.
The little one has to go in for a sleep study regarding her breathing. And we still don't have much to go on with her brain bleed.
When I am home with just them, the dog, and my thoughts, everything is fine. They are happy. The dog LOVES them. And all i see are my chubby little drool factories being babies.
Then I go out into the world and see how very different they still are. I see kids that are 7 months old who are leaps and bounds ahead of my girls. And it takes away the joy of my daughter rolling over for the first time yesterday.
I have been scolded by strangers for bringing them out in public with "all those medical issues, you are being irresponsible." Apparently One tube on the face means my kid is going to die because of my parenting. ((THis happens more often than I am comfortable accepting. Never in my life have I thought to attack someone like that))
I see kids that are their corrected age... and even they are way ahead.
I know I shouldn't compare, but it breaks my heart. I want so badly to catch them up. It's just so hard for me to gauge what they should be doing. Every dr gives me a different answer. Pediatrician says they should be here, while physical therapist says they should be there, and the high risk neonatal follow up team says they should be in between.
I try to talk to my dad about it and all he responds with is "Your children are normal. Doctors are assholes. You should find new ones." On the opposite side of that spectrum is my husband who takes the drs word as gospel. Which would be nice but he does it for all of them and doesn't seem to understand why I am so confused and upset.
I took the girls to the eating specialists yesterday and got questioned as to why I didn't do things a different way. I said that I was following their orders, and they responded with " well really you should have known to also do this." That was a nice kick to the gut. It was also my first visit back to their last hospital. So, hello Triggers. I couldn't really handle being there...but it wasn't as bad as it could have been.
Got to go back to the hospital that they spent all of their 154 days of NICU time, today. Walking through those doors knocked the wind out of me. I got disoriented trying to navigate. The smell of the air made my stomach knot. All I wanted to do was cry. But nope, had to drag myself into this appointment. (That I hadnt scheduled. I got a call 2 hours before about an opeing for a dr I have been struggling to schedule.) Then I got to hold my daughter down for xrays again.
Now we have to go to a sleep study to find out if her lungs are riddled with scar tissue or fluid.
Normal babies don't need that. Normal parents don't have to see the staticy mess of their babies xray. Each white spec a beacon of damage and time lost, pain, fear, reality. It fucking sucks.
Every time I look at my girls I cry now. They have only been home 2 and a half months. This is not ok. I am not ok.
