Executive functioning is defined generally as a set of mental skills that we use every day in our work, school, and home lives. Some of them include planning, organization, self-control, time management, task initiation, metacognition (awareness and understanding of one's own thought process), working memory, attention, perseverance and flexibility. I suspect some folks have more trouble with some than others. But essentially executive functioning is what allows us to independently function successfully throughout our day. I can tell you the ones I have trouble with (self-control, working memory, attention, flexibility.) And now I am sure that this is what has kept me from really pursuing further schooling. I graduated from Iona College with a BA in English in 2008. I worked a few different jobs before I landed in my career as a paraprofessional in 2014. I love my job. I think I'd make a great teacher and everyone else has told me so, too, even my principal. But getting another degree feels so out of reach. I attended some classes to start towards a masters at Kingsborough Community College in 2014, or 2015... getting myself to classes after working all day felt impossible but I did it. For one semester. And then I was so exhausted. And then I went to Hunter for one class one semester. It was a night class, from 6-9 after work on Tuesday and Thursday. By the time 6pm rolls around on a workday, I have already reached my threshold of inner stress many, many times, mostly due to sensory overload. I barely had the mental and physical energy to get to class after work.
So when people would ask me when I was going back to school, I wanted to tell them, I am trying. But it doesn't look like I am trying. The process of applying to Hunter alone had me in tears, panicking on the couch because I didn't know which section to fill out first or what paperwork I would need or how to navigate the website. These are the things people don't see when they say, oh, go back to school! Like, I want to. I really do. But facing all of the process of getting there is what's holding me back. And it's not because I am lazy. I feel so validated to know that now, and I don't need a doctor to tell me. All of my life I was told I was just lazy and needed to try harder. Smart, but definitely not putting in my full potential. But no one sees what goes on in my head. I can pass you and say "good morning!" quite pleasantly and still be freaking out internally. This morning, my husband was clicking a pen and I burst into tears and felt like I needed to hide, panicking. This is not normal. This is not baseline for most people. These are not optimal functioning conditions for anyone. I want to feel "normal" - I don't want sounds to bother me, I don't want to feel like there is a thousand foot tall brick wall between me and my goals.
Folks I trust and have spoken with on the subject of being evaluated for autism spectrum disorder concur that I shouldn't seek a diagnosis if it's just for validation. And part of me thinks, who cares if it's just for validation? Validation that how I have felt my whole life, like there is something wrong with me, is just not true. I am not broken. Validation is fucking huge. I had an appointment to see a neuropsych in August, but canceled it because the total cost of the appointment would have been a cool G.
We love to talk about mental health awareness in this country, but that's really ALL we like to do about it. Talk. There's no help, not really. You're lucky to even find a therapist or psychiatrist with availability, and then even better if you're able to pay for it.
andulkaphoto
ellievsbear
dededos
tangentwithtanner
dailybridgerton
baratheonpilled
romaincrisis