I write a little bit so you can expect to see some stories or essays. Not related to any fandom unless it is for discussion purposes. This blog is reserved for my original pieces.
I am aroace, so I will reblog stuff I find funny or informative (or just plain interesting).
Feel free to message me or send in an ask if you have any questions about my writing or aroace related topics (or anything really).
THIS IS A NO NSFW PAGE - I don't wanna see or have to read about that, please do not interact with me in any way that I would have to come in contact with it. Thanks.
Cheese Caves🪤 (List of Works)
Fandoms (Not writing for, just for conversation starters/topics to discuss!)
date your friends - by which i do not mean you must literally date your friends but by which i mean go out to dinner with your friends, buy your friends flowers, tell your friends you love them, write your friends love letters, play your friends songs that make you think of them, help your friends with moving and doctors appointments and listen to their worries and joys. love one another so entirely and i promise the world will feel so much brighter and you will have a community full of love
General reminder that using AI to "write" "your" "fics" is like buying a scarf to take to the knitting group.
Not only did you not produce anything and tried to pretend that you did, you fully failed to grasp that the point of the hobby is to slowly go through the creative process and struggle to make things with people who share your interest.
It's not supposed to be good. It's not supposed to be done.
eventually you realize you don’t want to die. you just don’t want to live the life you’re living. and slowly you try to create a life you want to live. just gotta start there.
sometimes i be saying im gonna go to bed and then i dont go to bed. frequently in fact. this is because i have the heart of an optimist and the soul of a liar
being anti ai is making me feel like in going insane. "you asked for thoughts about your characters backstory and i put it into chat gpt for ideas". studies have proven its making people dumber. "i asked ai to generate this meal plan". its causing water shortages where its data centers are built. "ill generate some pictures for the dnd campaign". its spreading misinformation. "meta, generate an image of this guy doing something stupid". its trained off stolen images, writing, video, audio. "i was talking with my snapchat ai-" theres no way to verify what its doing with the information it collects. "youtube is impletmenting ai based age verification". my work has an entire graphics media department and has still put ai generated motivational posters up everywhere. ai playlists. ai facial verification. google ai microsoft ai meta ai snapchat ai. everyone treats it as a novelty. every treats it as a mandatory part of life. am i the only one who sees it? am i paranoid? am i going insane? jesus fucking christ. if i have to hear one more "well at least-" "but it does-" "but you can-" im about to lose it. i shouldnt have to jump through hoops to avoid the evil machine. have you no principles? no goddamn spine? am i the weird one here?
Being transgender was always a quiet piece of knowledge for me. How does something, such as gender, so ingrained within the human experience exist quietly? Well- I'll tell you- It was easy for me to accept and difficult for others, thus I hold this big part of me on the inside. It is always just beneath the skin wanting to bubble up. Every time I recognize the fact that a person really doesn't know me, because something so simple and easy is lost on them, the constantly simmering water threatens to boil over.
It's not that I want to keep my mouth sewn shut, nor do I want to scream until my lungs burn over the hill tops, I just want to be understood. My parents avoid conversation as if ignoring this part of me will make it disappear. Their snide comments regarding my chosen name and praise when I defy myself to avoid their stares only builds resentment. No matter how much I love them, I fear that I may have to forsake them rather than myself. Never have I ever wanted to choose between living and the people I love, but they are the ones making me choose, the choice is obvious.
The person inside of me who looks in the mirror and feels like they have never met the mass of flesh and bone standing in front of them, has found comfort in the steady and chaotic ecosystem that is the earth. Environment full of diverse and non-judgmental life attracted me to study the ways in which it functions. Perhaps it is the desire to understand each part of the world in a way I wish I were understood. The way I see, feel, experience, and live. The earth loves me and I love it in return.
Sometimes I get lost in life- not my life- but the life I am told I need to pursue. The focus on doing rather than experiencing. I get wrapped up in completing, checking off the item from my list, and forget I am supposed to spend time with myself. It takes a moment to remember I am doing this for myself, for the person locked away inside. I forget I like to learn, I forget I like to explore and think, I forget sometimes that there is more to me than the numbers that show up after the words "GPA".
Sometimes I forget I am human. Then I'll stop for a moment, look at my hands, and I'll remember I'm allowed to live just as the plants and trees are. And that is the one thing I am undeniably certain of.
I think the best way to describe it is like we do with anxiety and depression: just like you can feel both of these things as emotions without having the disorder (to some extent) we can experience dissociation (to a certain extent, and like with anxiety and depression, we all do) without having a dissociative disorder.
however for some people it’s gonna be a lot more intense and interfere a lot more with your life. one of those people might be you! it’s estimated that 10% of the population will have a dissociative disorder at some point in your life, and less than 50% are receiving adequate help for it, commonly being misdiagnosed for something else. dissociative disorders are more common in populations who have experienced severe trauma or are oppressed. there is potential for correlation with neurodevelopmental disorders and a very high co-occurrence with other trauma-based conditions such as bpd—in fact dissociation is actually a symptom of it!
different kinds of dissociative disorders include dissociative identity disorder (DID) other specified dissociative disorder (OSDD), unspecified dissociative disorder, dissociative amnesia, and depersonalisation and derealisation disorder. common themes of dissociative disorders are amnesia (it’s always a pun with us isn’t it?), depersonalisation (feeling outside yourself, like you’re not a person, or not yourself like the person going through your activities and who you’re seeing in the mirror isn’t you) and derealisation (feeling detached from reality).
if you find yourself experiencing one or more of these things a lot you might have a dissociative disorder. that’s okay, it means that you’ve gone through a lot of stress and your brain actually has protected you from feeling things that would be otherwise unbearable, by removing you from the situation mentally if not physically. we’re all going through a fair bit of stress rn so if you find yourself dissociating you know why. please be kind to yourself and know there’s plenty of resources and help you can get (and please do reach out to someone! it’s always gonna be helpful to talk about even if you don’t always have access to a professional).
types of dissociative disorders under the cut! but before you go basically I wanted to post this cause while most of us enjoy these songs and relate to them in some way, there’s gonna be some people who listen to repeat and motion and cetfy and starting line and feel like woah. I’ve never felt more seen! and we need to be really nice and respectful to them—maybe it’s you—and create an environment where we’re understanding and not dismissive (cause we hear the word dissociate all the time) or biased by false narratives and stigmas cause some of these are very stigmatised disorders. anyway, reminding you you’re loved and precious and you deserve to feel safe!!
dissociative disorders are all caused by stress and trauma (as far as we know). often this trauma is abuse especially in childhood, but there are lots of traumas including things like head injuries and even burnout is marked by symptoms of depersonalisation and derealisation. some drugs can also mimic dissociative symptoms. this explanation is to the best of my ability, but please don’t only take my word on what largely isn’t (though some of it is) my own experience. there are plenty of blogs under these tags with much more informative posts than me!
DID occurs when someone has multiple identities, or alters, that can ‘front’ at any one time. it means your ‘self’ is in fragments and each part of you holds different parts of yourself. basically when we’re kids, before the age of 10, the different parts of ourselves all fuse if it’s safe to do so, safe to exist as a whole person and feel all of the emotions you’re feeling at the same time—able to handle the memory of your traumas (even if you do compartmentalise them) and have one cohesive mood state, be a whole person who’s ambitions and likes and preferences are fairly consistent, like, most people don’t love pineapples on pizza one day, then hate it the next, then love it again the following day. replace that with anything—maths, music, wanting to be a graphic designer, being an introvert or an extrovert, male or female or nonbinary.
if you do have DID it doesn’t mean you’re not a whole person! it just means there’s dissociation in your history at a young age that’s worked it’s way into your identity, and there’s several pieces of you all in your head. you might have headmates that all talk to each other. everyone’s experience is different. your complexity is still beautiful and a testament to everything you’ve survived. amnesia between parts is essential to the experience of DID, however in therapy you can work on that and your memories can integrate (they’re not all missing!)
OSDD-1 is on the DID spectrum in that it’s said to be caused by trauma before age 10 (there IS argument about that in tumblr communities especially though, about endogenic systems or ‘endos’. in my view, this only highlights the fact we don’t know everything yet! it’s quite a heated debate though, makes its way into peoples DNIs, and don’t get confused like I did and think they’re talking about endometriosis which some of us also have). people with OSDD and DID often identify as ‘systems’ who are ‘plural’ because again. multiple parts.
OSDD-1a is like DID with less depersonalisation, that is, alters are less distinct and might be more different versions of yourself than different selves, but you DO switch between them and there is at least some amnesia. think, forgetting what you did during the week, forgetting all your insecurities when you’re in a good mood and channeling the happy confident version of yourself, when you’re happy you forget actually DOING anything when you weren’t happy, when you’re sad forgetting about things you do when you’re happy, like actually not being able to draw on the memory. or, think the different person you become when you’re stressed—it’s still you but you behave kinda differently and once you’re back to normal you have no clue what you just did. it’s different for everyone, these are just examples of what it might be like.
OSDD-1b is like DID but without amnesia! you become like a different person with different likes and wants and preferences and personality traits when triggered by whatever triggers you—different situations, stress, some people can cause it to happen on purpose. but because your alters are a little bit integrated, you can remember what you did as a different alter just fine! but you still have different distinct alters.
not everyone falls exactly into one category, these labels are just useful to tell you and your doctors about your experience!
OSDD-2 is a result of prolonged and intense coercion that causes you to lose a sense of who you are. this is found in people who’ve spent time in cults etc, where everything about them is controlled, or after war or something where you were forced to act in a way that is totally different to who you are. it can develop as an adult with no history of a dissociative disorder. I am unsure whether there are subtypes of it (2a, 2b…)
OSDD-3 is an acute dissociative reaction that only occurs in very stressful events. I’m not exactly sure how this is diagnosed, perhaps either during or after as a one-off thing.
OSDD-4 is also known as a dissociative trance. it’s recurring, consists of being unaware and unresponsive for a while without other symptoms (note these specific symptoms can appear as a part of other dissociative disorders).
depersonalisation and derealisation disorder occurs when you go through periods of feeling unreal and detached from your surroundings without symptoms of another dissociative disorder. this includes feeling out of your body, unable to feel emotions, and unable to recognise yourself in a mirror. again, this can occur as part of another dissociative disorder as well. however it can start as an adult and often shows up during a bad burnout experience, where you have to detach from yourself and reality to get done the job that is burning you out. it’s why you might forget how to do your work or basic facts while this is happening. it’s a stress response to periods of high stress, but needs to be recurring in order to get a diagnosis.
dissociative amnesia is exactly what it sounds like, amnesia around often traumatic events, or episodes of amnesia which is a form of dissociation from the traumatic event. it’s not simply explained by something like PTSD but often occurs with it, think why sometimes when you go through something traumatic your brain can’t remember it at all and you might convince yourself it never even happened and believe that it never happened, or know it happened only because people you trust say so, not because you have any memories of it of your own. like all other dissociative disorders, specific kinds of therapy can help you access and process those memories in your head and be able to recover and live a happier life. sometimes dissociative amnesia includes a dissociative fugue too. note that these things often happen as part of DID or OSDD, but this diagnosis is for when it appears on its own.
unspecified dissociative disorder doesn’t fit neatly into any of these above categories, perhaps with a mixmatch of several complete and incomplete symptoms. overall, people with dissociative disorders are otherwise just like the rest of us, and are not scary!! especially after the trauma you’ve gone through you deserve to be safe and loved and have a supportive community. we can be a supportive community and I hope this knowledge helps us get there. also, we need a lot more songs to relate to that also give hope and I’m very proud to be a part of a fandom where we have that!
