What it feels like to be an over-emotional person:
* ~ ~ SMALL ESSAY I WROTE TODAY THAT I FELT I WANTED TO SHARE WITH ALL OF YOU : TRIGGER WARNING FOR THOSE WHO HAVE SENSITIVE MINDS ! ! ! ~ ~ *
What it feels like to be an over-emotional person:
When you're affected by emotions on an exceedingly profound internal/external level, disguising or coming to terms with the intensity of your sadness, anger, loneliness, discomfort, jealousy, or disinterest in your being becomes an exhausting manic-depressive cycle.
Some (but not all) people won't be able to understand the full caliber of your turmoil.
They won't exactly be able to comprehend the magnitude of every thought circulating inside your mind, and how could they? Your internal dialogue is private, and will manifest itself into ugly forms. You will dramatize every little hiccup, every mistake, every burden that falls on your path. You will make things out to be more serious than they actually are. You will want everyone to understand just how much you're suffering inside, and it'll scare everyone that loves you. The people who don't understand will label you insane. They will pick at your sensitivities and you will carry that label with you everywhere you go, letting it linger in your head as a fault that somehow makes you less than human.
It's terrifying for everyone to see you switch from totally fine to a raging monster in literally seconds. It's almost impossible or at least extremely difficult for anyone to help you realize what you're actually saying/doing, because when you're stuck in a swamp of negative emotions, it feels like nothing will ever be able to pull you out. You will lash out, become disgustingly angry, and hurt those around you without really considering the consequences of your actions. You will end up destroying important friendships without ever really meaning to, or understanding exactly how you did it.Yet, you will feel all the grief that comes with the destruction of a relationship. And you will cry for weeks sometimes, asking yourself why you wouldn't pick up the phone when they called or responded to their texts when you were supposed to hang out.
You will be a hypocrite, often, and without warning. It will sneak up on you quickly and attack your greater reasoning. Logic will become irrelevant. You'll say one thing and go out and do the opposite almost immediately, without ever fully realizing what you are actually doing until the aftermath arrives. You will hate yourself for not being a better person, for acting in totally irrational ways, and you will see your contradictions as psychotic faults, and question why you let yourself be such a fuck up in every aspect of your life. You will allow that self-hatred become stronger than you are.
You will seek help coping, when you're able to admit that you have problems with your emotions. Everyone will have some sort advice to offer, like, "You should try this", "This helped me with my mental health", "You need to ____", and many more suggestions that are with the best intentions. However, you will try and try and try with your best effort to follow through with helping yourself as often as you are capable. And if or when you don't succeed, or if you stop going to therapy, you will hate yourself again. You will regard failures as defining characteristics of your personality, and you will tell yourself that you are not capable of ever being normal and giving up seems like the best option.
Sometimes, you'll turn to drugs and chemicals, whether they be prescribed, illegal, legal, it doesn't matter. You will experiment with them, discovering they change your perception of reality in a totally new way, or help you escape into a better place when the high hits. You will play with them often, repeatedly, until the experimentation becomes an addiction, and it will crush your body and soul.
You become accustomed to the concept of death. Suicide will seem like a beautiful cure, because when you die, you'll stop feeling. You crave the numbness that will allow you to breathe easy. You will attempt to take your life at the seemingly lowest point of your life, and wake up in a psych ward the next morning with a roommate that smiles at you awkwardly, and looks you in the eyes with a stare that says, “I understand how you are”.
The hardest part about being over-emotional is simply communicating to others the complications of functioning and a stable level. Some days will be harder than others, feeling like an unwanted curse bestowed upon you without your consent. But, other times, you are able to see that your sentimental nature is actually a unique gift.
Being capable of deeply experiencing emotions is one of the most beautiful perceptions a person could be born with. You will feel extreme euphoria and amazement over the simple pleasures in life. You'll find yourself consistently curious with life’s little wonders, never feeling bored, and consider every idea that comes into your world with an open mind. The arts will appeal to you on so many different levels, and your own artistic ability will benefit greatly from actually being able to FEEL other’s art. Your normal language will develop into pure poetry without you even actively trying to make it so. Your words will be influenced by your gears constantly turning, and others will notice this as well. They will see the expansiveness of your depth and admire it with great regard. You will be able to connect to others easily, because of the uncommon empathy you possess simply because you understand the value of every single sentiment that exists within the human frame of mind.
Connecting the voice in my head with the voice that comes out though my words/language is a skill I’ve been developing throughout my 21 years of existence. I wrote this small essay as a reflection directed to all of my friends and acquaintances, trying my best to explain a state of mind that is hard to comprehend sometimes. But also, to reach out to all of you that feel and think in the way I do. You’re not alone in this world, your struggle is not something that needs to defeat you, and I hope that reading this is able to help those of you who fight see the good in your gift.
k cheese is over go back to mindlessly scrolling.
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