sullen girl.

tired - sleep deprived - cancer

[lttrsfrmlnrrgby]

geez, louise, so annoying how your parents don't love you enough during your formative years and bam that's it, no one else can ever love you enough, especially you. you spend a lifetime trying to fill the yawning cavity of worthlessness inside you without success, because no matter how much therapy you get and try to internalize or how many occasional proofs of your entertainingness or usefulness to others you collect and hoard like a box of candy under your bed, usefulness is not belovedness, so you can never really believe-- because before you were even really a person who could have done anything wrong to deserve not being loved, you still weren't loved.

no amount of later amends by either or both parent(s) fully heals it, because the hole is rotten and soft. attempts to fill the hole just get sucked in to that infinite black hole with an event horizon of oh, everyone and everything in your entire life, ever, and it's never enough. you can't pour a foundation over a sinkhole.

you try to help and fix others because maybe that'll earn you the love you want need have to have are dying without (but we're all dying everyday anyway, you aren't special) but can't quantify or qualify or stop asking for like a starving animal, because the want and the need has no baseline and therefore just gnaws and sucks, dark and sharp like the mariana trench. the smart ones see the event horizon before it grabs hold and gun their engines to get away. the ones you've fooled with your desire to help curse and crash when you can't let go later, and the jaws of life they use to get free from your car crash of a heart scars you both.

the box of sweets under the bed isn't a meal, and your emotional muscles and bones never grew right from the start because there was no three square meals a day, just fast food masquerading as sustenance instead of leaching starvation. still, there's nothing else to do but pretend that you're whole and to keep trying to help, because you want to be the person you never had, so you try to help and try to help by making sure folks don't get too close and get sucked in to be smothered alive by the infinite insufficiency inside you.

you're stunted and you'll always be hungry and you'll never be full.

[howlsnteeth]

[juno-infernal]

Glen Martin Taylor, “but i am safe in here.”

[ina-nis]

“Everyone leaves” is a twisted version of what really happens in reality, isn’t it?

No one is there in the way you need them to be. So it feels as if it was never anything, even when it was something significant.

The fact that one little thing can make everything feel meaningless is infuriating.

Everything becomes a trigger, everyone is unsafe because they cannot meet these very specific things you need from them - and at some point you stop telling people altogether, because in the past, it only ruined relationships and made people sad or burdened by your feelings.

You don’t need anyone’s pity or comfort. If they can’t give what you need, they don’t have to try to repair things, there’s nothing to repair and it’s no one’s fault after all.

You are cornered, you want things to work, you want to have friends and to be able to connect with people without so many issues… and you try but it all ends with you unhappy and resentful. You don’t want to hate people, so you leave.

Of course the loneliness is triggered around others, of course it hurts and it leads to self-destruction. It’s a powerful feeling, a very old one too. It’s not something that will be satiated so easily or quickly - but in your case it is satiated… never.

If you keep away, at least you can’t hurt them, and they can’t hurt you. You can keep on longing from afar, and the loneliness goes back into hiding.

Now, you just deal with the sorrow of longing.

[ina-nis]

No one really talks about how time is cruel to avoidants…

You didn’t form lasting or stable relationships in adolescence, that was the period where you could learn most, the period where you could have had (romantic and/or sexual) experiences, but instead you were tossed around like a rag doll and bullied to the point of attempting suicide.

You spent your early adulthood trying to find your place in the world still, you worked a lot to dismantle the internalized hatred and you managed to embrace your true self, or whatever it looked like at the time. You subjected yourself to these “real world” issues, like trying to find employment or finding a career, that only worsened your feelings of rejection, because you were never a good fit, because you were always in a competition, because your worth was measured by how much money you could make, and if you can’t, you’re worthless and might as well die.

You spend your adulthood trying to figure a way to break out of this cycle.

Meanwhile…

You’ll see people around your age - and even worse if they’re peers, acquaintances or family - that are forming their own families and getting closed in their own circles, that they spend their life building.

You have no such thing.

You’re not even lagging behind, you’re stuck and you can’t move forward.

And the more time goes on, the more cynical you grow, the more indifferent towards people you grow, the more the longing feels pointless and harmful.

Things only get worse with time.

“Your time will come.”

“You have to be patient that things will fall into place one day.”

“Each person has their own pace, and it’s no use comparing.”

“What’s meant to you, will get to you.”

So many empty promises those are, aren’t they?

And it’s even more painful, the more work you put into treatment, the more effort you put into improving, the more money you spend to fix yourself, the more time you waste going to therapy and talking about the same things over and over…

Time is very cruel.

And this is definitely not one of those things that get better as time passes.

[vexingwoman]

A woman’s husband, father, brother, and male friends are statistically the most likely men to abuse, rape, and murder her. All of which are the men we are conditioned to view as our protectors.

Similarly, cops, soldiers, and military men have higher rates of domestic violence and sexual assault than the general male population. All of which are men we are conditioned to view as self-sacrificing heroes.

The very few men that women are supposed to be able to trust, are in actuality her biggest threat. How demonic is that. The safest and most feminist action a woman could ever make is to be a female separatist.

[believesinpatterns]

let’s not forget pastors and priests. women aren’t safe with male religious leaders.

[pumpkincurryelote]

Men rely on opportunity to select their prey. The more you provide them access to you, the greater the threat becomes.

[ex-depressed]

The unspoken rules of a codependent system can vary depending on the specific family or relationship dynamic, but here are some common examples:

Put others’ needs before your own: In a codependent system, the needs and wants of others are prioritized above one’s own needs and wants.

Keep the peace: Conflict is avoided at all costs, and it’s up to the codependent person to make sure everyone is happy and there are no disagreements.

Don’t rock the boat: Related to keeping the peace, codependent individuals are discouraged from speaking up or asserting themselves, as it could lead to conflict or upset.

Be responsible for others’ emotions: In a codependent system, the codependent person is expected to take care of others’ emotional needs and make sure they’re happy and content.

Don’t share family secrets: Family secrets or issues are kept hidden and not discussed outside of the family or relationship dynamic.

Don’t challenge authority: The authority figure in the family or relationship dynamic is not to be questioned or challenged, as this could lead to conflict or upset.

Keep up appearances: The codependent person is expected to maintain a certain image or facade for the outside world, even if it doesn’t reflect the reality of what’s happening in the family or relationship.

Don’t ask for help: Asking for help or support is seen as a weakness or failure, and the codependent person is expected to be self-sufficient and able to handle everything on their own.

These unspoken rules can lead to a lot of pressure and stress for the codependent person, as they are constantly putting others’ needs before their own and not allowed to express their own wants or needs. It can also lead to a lack of healthy communication and boundaries, as everyone is expected to maintain the status quo and not rock the boat.

[thestarseersystem]

If you're hypersexual, you're a part of the traumatized community. You are allowed to be a part of it. You are traumatized.

If you found comfort in kink, felt less alone, etc. rather than the people that was supposed to promote acceptance and love, you are valid. You deserve to be in the trauma community.

I've met several people who are traumatized and grew up hypersexual. Feeling shame and self hatred for uncontrollable feelings. I am one of those people.

You deserve to be a part of this community. You belong. You deserve to heal. You deserve to be respected.

No more hiding or forced to talk about it behind closed doors. If you are hypersexual, it's not your fault. You deserve a space in this community just like anyone else.

You are not disgusting, predatory or shameful. You are deserving of respect and kindness.

[furiousgoldfish]

Breadcrumbing is a behaviour associated with abuse, and it’s done to victims who are already bonded to abusers and constantly torn between feeling ignored, desperate, worthless and small, and holding onto hope that things can be good again. It can happen in relationships, but also in family, friendships, marriages, anywhere victim is reliant on the abuser for attention and care.

When you’ve lived a life of chronic neglect, you are starved for attention, but you’ve already learned you will never get a lot of it, and you’ve learned that things will get worse if you ask for it, or demand for it. Abusers take advantage of this, and give you enough positive attention for you to bond with them, feel fulfilled and safe, and then they will stop giving you attention, and wait until you become completely starved, desperate and lost in what is the reality of the relationship. Then, they will give you a little bit. This tiny little bit, will feel like the entire world to you, because it will lift you up from your doubt, anxiety, self hate, desperation, and you will feel hopeful instead, that this little bit of attention means more than it is, that it’s a sign that things will get good again, like they once were. The abuser then measures out just how far they can keep you around while giving you nothing, and when you reach your end, when you’re breaking down from neglect and pain, they’ll give you another crumb of attention to keep you hooked and bonded, to keep you living on empty hope instead of care and attention they implied you’d be having.

Breadcrumbing also serves as gaslighting, because it will make you question your reality. If you’ve been neglected and rendered invisible for a long while, you’ll start to see it, and doubt the relationship, and the person who is doing this to you. But, after they give you a bit of affection, or pay a bit of attention to you, you’re likely to dismiss all of your doubts and go ‘Oh it’s actually okay! I am getting attention! It’s going to be okay from now on! I was wrong to doubt them!’ and it will take a while before you can go back to your correct perception of this person. The abusive parents often do it after a kid has seen thru them, and they decide to leave - then the parents will suddenly act a bit nicer, do a nice gesture, give a little leeway to the kid, so they seem like ‘not that bad anymore’ so the kid questions themselves and their decision to leave. But it’s still only breadcrumbs, only a small, convenient act of manipulation after years and sometimes decades of abuse.

Breadcrumbing is often just that, abusers throwing what is easy and convenient your way. They don’t let you choose what you get, they don’t take consideration of your needs, they decide how much you’re worth to them, and it’s usually the smallest amount possible, and expect you to be grateful you got anything.

If you find yourself grateful for a little tiny bit of attention, if you find yourself bursting with relief that you weren’t ignored once, that you got a small bit of someone’s time, an acknowledgment, or a gift, know that this person is giving you breadcrumbs, and as relieved and thankful you feel for them, they’re way, way below what you actually need and deserve. You’ve been trained to live on next to nothing, so that a tiny crumb would satisfy you and keep you attached. That is not humane. A person who cares for you doesn’t wait until you’re in starvation to offer you a bit of love. This is done for their benefit, so they’d have to invest minimum possible energy or attention on you, and keep you around, often doing way more for them in return. You deserve more than this, and you deserve better. It’s okay to throw the breadcrumbs back into their face. You deserve every bit of attention and love that you give to others, and to not settle for anything below.

[furiousgoldfish]

If you’ve been thru a phase of your life feeling hopeless, depressed, broken, scared, suffering pain that you didn’t believe would ever stop, or having your whole will to go on eaten away by something devastating that happened to you, and you were alone and abandoned and ashamed of feeling this pain, I want you to know that it wasn’t okay.

Every human, especially young humans, can get overwhelmed and devastated and drown in their dark thoughts and fears, and nobody deserves to go thru that alone. If you were living close to other people, and they failed to notice, or ignored your state, or tried to make sure that you feel guilty for it, ashamed of it, deserving of it, or responsible for it, that wasn’t okay. That’s not what’s supposed to happen. Human society isn’t built on kicking someone when they’re down. Humans are not supposed to see someone suffering and deteriorating and then go ‘serves them right’ or ‘it’s their own fault’. That’s despicable.

You were not supposed to be left alone in your pain. You were supposed to get help and support. Even if you couldn’t imagine how that support and help would look like, if you couldn’t believe you deserved any, even if you felt so worthless and unimportant that taking someone’s time and energy would have felt horrible and selfish to you, you still deserved help and support during the worst period of your life.

Someone should have checked up on you. Someone should have made sure that you don’t spend all or most of your time alone, drowning in your own fears and pain, neglected. Someone should have offered you conversation and reassurances, even if they wouldn’t have fixed the underlying issue. You shouldn’t have been going thru it alone and unchecked. Someone should have taken measures to make sure you know you’re cared for, that people are going to put an active effort into changing your situation for the better. You should have been reminded, with actions and words, that you are still lovable, that you’re desired to be a part of society, that you’re not something to leave behind in a room until you either get your shit together or fail and be forgotten. You should have never feared for your relevance or your value while already suffering from everything else. You shouldn’t have been left to your own devices, with your social needs completely unfulfilled, with society turning their entire back on you.

That kind of situation makes you feel alone for a long, long time. That’s the kind of thing that makes you lose hope in people, and it should have never come to it. You should never have been in so much pain and alone in it. You never deserved that kind of cruel and contemptuous abandonment. You should never have been thru something that makes other people feel like a threat or a dead end. Your problems should never have felt so large that your place in the world your humanity and would be revoked over them.

[adhdstudybitch]

If you’re someone who struggles with executive dysfunction I cannot emphasize how important it is to set reasonable, attainable goals for yourself. If your goal is “I need to clean my entire room today” but you’re not used to doing so often enough for it to be habitual, chances are pretty good that that isn’t a reasonable, attainable goal for you. Start small. Start with something you think you could do even when you’re struggling. Pick something that makes you feel good about yourself afterward. And don’t put pressure on yourself to do more than that if you’re not able to, because that pressure will make it harder to do the small thing.

For me, it’s making my bed. It’s simple, it takes me about three minutes to do, it makes my room look 300% better even if everything else looks like a lost game of jumanji so I feel proud of myself for doing it, and I don’t expect myself to do any more than that. Interestingly, once I’ve done the small thing it often gives me a burst of motivation to do more, but even on days when I can’t do more I still feel good about making my bed.

It can be anything. Make your bed, brush your teeth, pick up the clothes off your floor and throw them in a pile, remove the mugs from your room (no pressure to wash them), make one phone call, do five minutes of something creative, anything that feels small and simple to you. And don’t beat yourself up on days when you can’t do the small thing. Executive dysfunction is a bitch, but starting small is much easier than giving yourself big goals that feel completely overwhelming. 

[lousydrawingsforgoodpeople]

She really is.

[antisisyphus]

the torn-up road by richard siken - geoff mcfetridge

[cherrytwizzler]

when healing from a person.. you will have thoughts like “I loved them more than I loved anyone, I never knew I could love someone so much, I’ll never love someone that much again..”

It is important to realize that your ability to love that person didn’t come from them, it came from within you. You were always a lover, already someone who could love deeply. Just because they are gone doesn’t mean that goes away. They didn’t give you the capacity to love, they just gave you a place to express it. Don’t give someone else the credit for how hard you could love, that was you and it still is.

[furiousgoldfish]

It is likely you will feel the worst of your trauma only after you’re safely away from your abusers. A lot of you need to hear this and be prepared. Even if you didn’t have a strong reaction to trauma while it was going on, even if you felt like you were fine, and even if you can manage your symptoms now, once you’re safe (as in, abusers physically can’t get to you), the absolute worst of trauma will hit you because it will be finally, for the first time in your life, safe to feel it. This can mean exhaustion like you’ve never felt before, because it’s the first time you’re allowed to rest, and you don’t have to expect a sneak attack like you normally would. It can mean more panic attacks, more breakdowns, flashbacks, nightmares, feelings of terror, re-living past, feeling frozen in trauma, paralyzing, shaking, crying, having your entire body hurt and ache, your chest feeling like it’s tearing in pieces. You might experience bursts of rage and feel so irritated and restless you’ll want to jump out of your body. Your fear of the abuser will increase thousandfold and you will feel like you’d rather die than spend one additional second in their presence after what they did to you. It will become completely insane to you that you were able to live in their presence ever before.

This post-trauma effect isn’t irrational or exaggerating, if you feel this it’s because this is how horrible the trauma really was, but your were not able to feel it in the moment for several reasons; one of them is that it was unsafe to feel those things in front of abusers, they have already taught you that you will be punished for displaying trauma symptoms in front of them. To be additionally hurt in the middle of such pain would be unsurvivable. The other is that it would have killed you to feel all that as a kid. Keeping all that repressed to feel later is your body’s strategy of survival, you can only feel it now because you’re still alive in order to do it.

What you’re going thru is extreme and something nobody on the earth should be put thru. No matter what you do, do not blame yourself for your symptoms, because it’s impossible for you to cause this to yourself. Know that whoever caused this to you did it on purpose, and is absolutely evil for it. You did not deserve this. Go easy on yourself and allow yourself more comfort, more rest, more ease than ever, you do not need any additional stress, grief or self hatred in this time of your life. It is awful, and extreme, but it will get better. It wouldn’t be happening if your body didn’t estimate that you can survive it. It will come in waves, so don’t despair if you get a little better and then worse, it’s designed to allow your body a little rest before the next wave hits it, again in order to be survivable. Trust your body to know what to do, because it already pulled you thru so much trauma alive. And do not trust anyone who doesn’t think you should be safe from people who have done this to you.

[recaption]

[furiousgoldfish]

me, while being abused: it’s okay, I’m used to this already, and I’m tough, I can take it.

me, years later when the trauma symptoms hit: I WAS SO WRONG