love, cheol đŁČ c. seungcheol
SUMMARY: Your roommate has been in love with you the entire time. However, there has always been a barrier between you two, how long will he endure it before finally accepting whether you were ever meant to be with him?
PAIRING: choi seungcheol x f!reader
GENRE: drama, fluff, angst, college au, oneshot
WARNINGS: mild suggestive content, strong language (not really in this fic), reader has a boyfriend (no cheating, i promise), mixed signals, hurt w comfort, mention of family death, grieving for loved ones, breakup, emotional conflict, implied indecisiveness, slow burnnnnnnnn.
WC: 11.8k
ADD TAGSâŠ: roommate! seungcheol, sport sc majored! seungcheol, physiotherapy student! reader, unrequited love, one-sided love, domestic fluff (as roommates), platonic relationship, open ending, boyfriend! joshua, jeonghan as moral support, hidden feelings revealed, yearning! seungcheol omg, minghao (my love poetry shifu), no comedy because im not feeling funny today, reader uses she/her pronouns.
a/n: "if you don't have the confidence that you can make them happier than i do, please give them back to me." omg seungcheol what the fahhhhhh how about my mental healthhhhhhh. i will always love you cheol, you're the real man.
Why did the universe decide to bring him to you? Itâs impossible for the two of you to become one. You were already bound by a promise.
You and him.
And not him.
When he first moved into the place he was supposed to share with another tenant, he hadnât expected it to be a woman living there. If he had known, he would have chosen somewhere else. But it couldnât be undone, he had already paid the deposit and everything else.
He just hoped his roommate would be okay with a guy staying under the same roof.
Surprisingly, you werenât upset at all. If anything, you welcomed him warmly and politely. He guessed you were just being nice about it, maybe you werenât capable of saying no. He figured you were probably a pushover, just like him.
One thing he found odd about you was how quiet you were. There was nothing wrong with that, of course. Like with most roommates heâd had before (except when he lived with Jeonghan), people usually didnât talk much beyond their day, just brief âgood morningsâ and âhow was your day?â
Still, a simple hey wouldâve been nice. He thought you were just shy⊠or borderline rude, though not intentionally.
That was until one time. He stepped out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped securely around his waist. Water droplets dripped from his damp hair as he dried it with another towel. Then he froze on the spot.
You were in the kitchen, holding a tub of ice cream, staring at him blankly.
He stared back, equally dumbfounded that you had caught him in such a compromising state.
You snapped out of it first, quickly retreating to the couch where your show was playing on the television, knees tucked to your chest, ignoring how your ears burned red.
When he returned to the living room, fully clothed this time, you were already gone. He shut his eyes, mentally cursing at how things had probably become awkward between the two of you.
The next two days were⊠normal. You didnât try to talk to him, which wasnât unusual, but after what had happened, he couldnât help but feel even more uneasy with the silence. He had imagined heâd try to be nice, maybe take the opportunity to grow closer to you, but you made it harder.
Seungcheol wasnât the type to give up easily. He did try to make small talk, but you always avoided him, not obviously, but just enough. Every time he thought he had a chance, you slipped away, as if the universe itself refused to let him reach you.
âMen of different principles donât work well together.â
Thatâs what Minghao told him about his situation. Seungcheol nearly scoffed at that, not even bothering to ask what he meant. Sure, the two of you lived together, but that didnât mean you had to get along.
Still, he insisted. He wanted to get to know his roommate.
You both respected each otherâs privacy and space. So why was it so difficult to even engage, to maybe form a friendship? Even a little interaction wouldâve been nice.
âTOGETHER WITH YOU IS MY FAVOURITE PLACE TO BE.â
The first time you actually talked to him was the day you discovered his shitty cooking skills. He had to admit, he was everything but a cook. He just hoped his future lover would never see this side of him, one he never wanted to be found out.
You stood there, staring at his burnt scrambled eggs, if thatâs what he liked to call them. He nearly had a heart attack because of you.
âLooking at you makes me want to strive for better things.â
Seungcheolâs brows furrowed at that as he tossed the burnt pan into the sink. âWhat a nice thing to say. Why donât you read me a bedtime story too, with a warm glass of milk?â
You simply watched him as he tried to clean whatever charred mess was left behind.
âHave you eaten?â you asked, standing beside him as he grumbled, scrubbing at the pan. âDinner, I mean.â
âWellâŠâ he said, pausing, âI was planning to, but my dinner burned, as you can see. Guess Iâm not having it.â He let out a sarcastic scoff.
âI can see that.â
He stopped mid-scrub and turned to look at you, already not in the mood to deal with anything. He was still irritated. Mostly because Jeonghan had cheated during a card game, which led to him being punished by having to get rejected by the hottest girl on campus.
âIt costs nothing to be kind,â he said, frowning. âAre you trying to make my day worse?â
His eyes then landed on the box of fried chicken in your arms⊠then back to your innocent gaze. He immediately realized he hadnât meant to take his frustration out on you.
âOh, okay,â you said simply. âI was thinking maybe we could have dinner together. I accidentally ordered extra.â
Now, he felt like an asshole.
Thatâs how the two of you ended up having dinner together, sitting across from each other as he devoured the food like there was no tomorrow. He mightâve been terrible at cooking, but he was grateful to have you. You even offered side dishes you had stored in the fridge, which meant he didnât have to cook much, especially since he had agreed to pay half for the groceries. A deal the two of you had made.
It was safe to say you both started talking after that.
Sometimes, he would ask if you wanted to watch a movie with him, and surprisingly, you said yes. There was always a respectable gap between you on the couch, but despite the distance, he felt⊠comfortable. At ease.
Other times, after coming back from the gym, heâd find a warm meal waiting for him. Youâd leave a small note before heading out to your part-time job. Heâd be lying if he said it didnât touch himâmore than that, it made his heart flutter.
It slowly became a routine. If you didnât have time to wash the dishes, he would do it. It felt fair.
You once mentioned that you loved peaches during dinner. He had no idea what possessed him to buy some the next time he went grocery shopping. You had told him you rarely bought fruit because it was expensive, so you usually left it off your list.
But he restocked it anyway, just because you mentioned it once.
And you were happy.
For the first time, you smiled.
It was rare, but seeing it did something to him, something that made him want to see it again.
So he tried.
Eating together became routine. He found himself not wanting to eat alone unless you were there. Movie nights on Fridays. Grocery runs together, waiting for you to finish your shift, brushing it off like he hadnât adjusted his gym schedule just to match yours.
He liked this domestic life with you.
Seungcheol never imagined that something so simple would become what he looked forward to the most. Maybe it was because it was you.
Seungcheol liked it better when you were there.
âEVERYWHERE I LOOK, I AM REMINDED OF YOUR LOVE.â
At some point in your life, you become aware that some people can stay in your heart, but not in your life.
Seungcheol never bothered to find out about your relationship status. He simply never considered it, maybe because your life seemed so⊠normal. Going to class, working part-time, and, if you were feeling productive, doing your laundry and cleaning during your free time.
It was during one of your usual dinners together. By then, the two of you had reached a stage where personal topics werenât off-limits anymore.
âYou know, I used to have a crush on you last semester,â you casually mentioned, right in the middle of eating.
Seungcheol almost choked, quickly gulping down his water. âWhat? I meanâwhat happened then?â
âWhat do you mean?â
He blinked, swallowing nervously, his Adamâs apple bobbing slightly. âOh, you know⊠what about now? Do you stillâŠ?â
He let the question trail off, trying so hard not to look too eager, the warmth creeping up his neck betraying him.
You laughed. A genuine one as you tried to hold it in.
He frowned.
âIâm sorry,â you said, still smiling at his sulking expression. âI used to, okay? I figured it was just a silly crush. I thought you were cool⊠charming, even. Wellâletâs not go that far now.â
You continued eating, while he just stared at you.
You said everything⊠except the answer he was hoping for.
âBy the way, I donât think Iâll cook dinner tomorrow. Iâve got plans,â you added casually, as if you hadnât just changed the topic on purpose.
âWhy?â he asked. âGot a date or something?â
You didnât reply immediately. Then, just as casually, you said, âItâs my boyfriend. Iâll probably be back late. I hope youâre not a light sleeper.â
Seungcheol froze, he watched you continue eating like it was nothing, but something inside him cracked. So you were in a relationship this whole time.
Oh.
Oh.
The realization hit him like a truck. He had never even considered it. Maybe he was upset⊠or maybe just sad. He couldnât quite tell.
It explained everything. That your hesitation, the slight distance at the beginning. You had been setting boundaries without ever saying them out loud, and yet, you still treated him with kindness.
It was stupid of him. Because somewhere along the way, he had developed a crush on you.
From the first day he moved in, he thought you were cute. Then the two of you got closer, and he found himself getting giddy over the smallest things. He thought that maybe, one day, you could become something more.
But he never considered this.
â
When he came back to the apartment that night, wasted and drunk after a party with his friends, he was mortified to find himself neatly tucked into the couch with a blanket.
Later, he received a message from Jeonghan apparently, he had run into you outside and helped carry Seungcheol all the way back.
The next time he saw Jeonghan, he was going to strangle him.
It seemed like you had taken care of him while he was a drunk mess. Painkillers and an empty mug sat on the coffee table. He buried his face into the pillow, probably one you had given him.
He didnât know how to face you after this.
You were already in class by the time he woke up. When he saw the small note stuck on the fridge, he picked it up and read it.
âI made you some egg drop soup. Reheat it before eating. GWS! :3â
Seungcheol pressed his lips together as he reread it.
Your note.
His gaze lingered on the pot resting on the stove.
The headache was bad, but not as bad as the way he felt in class later. Thatâs when he started avoiding you on campus. What if he had said something he shouldnât have the night before? He would never live it down.
Still, you found him anyway.
You approached him with a small bottleâsomething he assumed was for hangovers. âI figured you might not come, but you did anyway,â you said, handing it to him.
He smiled, taking it carefully. âThanks. You didnât have to, you know. The soup was great⊠sorry about that.â
âThereâs nothing to be sorry about,â you chuckled. âNothing to be ashamed of.â
The only thing he was ashamed of was that you had to see him like that. He always wanted to look cool in front of you, but he failed miserably.
And that smile you gave him?
It should be illegal. Because it felt like he wasnât allowed to receive it, not when you belonged to someone else.
Then someone called your name from afar. Both of you turned.
âOhâI have to go. My boyfriend is calling,â you said, waving as you walked toward him.
Seungcheol watched from a distance as your boyfriendâs hand rested on your back while the two of you walked away together.
This was why he couldnât hate you.
Even after everything, you were still kind to him. Maybe because he was just your friend, your roommate. Nothing more. It felt so natural when it was just the two of you, but now, it felt like his hopes had been crushed before he even got the chance to dream.
Someone beside him whistled, throwing an arm over his shoulder. âDamn, they look good together.â
Seungcheol rolled his eyes. âShut up.â
âWhat?â Jeonghan shrugged. âI mean, itâs Joshua. Everyone likes him.â
Seungcheol didnât respond. He simply walked away toward his class, leaving Jeonghan behind confused, but aware his friend was in a bad mood.
â
The rest of the day went by as usual.
He thought the crush would fade eventually, but it didnât.
If anything, it only grew stronger. Of course it did, you lived together. You talked, ate, and shared a life in the smallest ways. Even after everything was revealed, nothing changed on the surface. You both respected each otherâs boundaries.
It wasnât like he wanted this to happen. Sometimes, you have to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.
But for him⊠it wasnât that simple.
The more he tried to forget, the emptier he felt. Even hookups left him hollow. Coming home afterward made it worse, he couldnât stand the thought of you seeing him like that.
He didnât want you to think he was that kind of person. How was he supposed to move on, just like that? When you were the one making lunchânot just for yourself, but for him too.
Meals together felt like something precious. On days when one of you wasnât there, the dining table felt⊠empty. Sometimes he would wait until you came home from your shift, just so he could eat with you.
If the peaches ran out, heâd restock them immediately just because they were your favorite.
When he asked about your day, you always answered. No matter how tired you were, you never forgot to cook for both of you. And when he said he had only eaten snacks, youâd quietly make something for him anyway.
It reminded him of his grandmother, how she used to dote on him. That familiar warmth⊠that was what got to him. There was something about this quiet, domestic life with you that felt comforting. You werenât much of a talker, but you listened to everything he said. Every word, every ramble. He wondered what it would be like if you were the one talking nonstop.
The only time he had seen it was when you mentioned baking with your mother before casually adding that she had passed away. He felt awful, trying to cheer you up when your expression dimmed.
He guessed thatâs where your love language came from. So he changed the subject, told you that you should start baking again.
And you did.
The first thing you made was a bunny-shaped bun, which you shared with him. You couldnât stop talking about your dream of opening your own bakery, and he let you ramble on.
That was probably the second time he had ever seen you talk that much.
âIâm sorry, I talked too much, didnât I?â you laughed, setting aside your baking gloves. âUsually Joshuaâs the one who listens to me. I guess I donât do that with others.â
âOh,â Seungcheol said, forcing a small smile. âSo heâs a listener, huh? Thatâs nice of him.â
He didnât want to say anything more. Because what could he even say?
He was here, watching you bake while your boyfriend wasnât. He wondered if Joshua even knew another man was living under the same roof as you.
But he didnât ask. It wasnât his place.
You had the awkward tenderness of someone who had never been loved properly and had to improvise. And somehow, despite having someone else, you still found your way into his heart, without even trying.
Words didnât matter when it came to love. He remembered a show he used to watch as a kid, Mr. Bean. He barely spoke, but he never left Teddy behind.
Thatâs what you were to him. Quiet, but always present. Filling the space around him without saying much.
He used to believe that happiness came from enjoying your own company. But how was he supposed to do that now? When you were the one who had touched his heart?
Sometimes, the smallest things take up the most space in your heart. Although he never planned to fall in love, itâs because of you that he decided to fall in love.
âFATES BRINGS PEOPLE TOGETHER FROM FAR APART.â
Seungcheol is a patient man. He always has been, but with you, he becomes even more careful. More attentive and more considerate.
Almost delicate.
And yet, you donât seem to notice at all.
At first, he didnât mean anything by it. When he first met you, he simply found himself spending time with his roommate. Then somehow, you both started talking more about small things, then about yourselves. He really tried to break it. Tried not to get attached to you.
There was something about you he couldnât ignore. Not just because you lived together, but because you lived together, and he found himself wanting to know if you were okay. All the time.
The only thing he really knows about you is that you had a boyfriend, and that you were a physiotherapy student, working part-time somewhere downtown near your shared apartment. He was amazed that you managed to keep it up. He knew it wasnât easy.
And yet, your life just seemedâŠ
Peaceful.
For someone so busy, he couldnât help but wonder how you even met your boyfriend. Like, how did it turn into something more? People always said no one is too busy for love. They make time for it. He supposed that was true.
Until one day, he noticed something. You were staring at your shoes longer than usual. Then you brushed it off, standing up like nothing had happened, ready to leave.
It only happened once, then it happened again. And again. Eventually, you started asking him questions, like what shoe brands were good for daily wear. Which, in a way, meant you were asking him to go shopping with you.
âHuh?â he looked at you, slightly dumbfounded.
âI was asking if you can help me pick out a new pair of shoes,â you said, showing him the worn-out pair you were wearing. The once clean white had faded, no longer polished. âI figured itâs time to get a new one.
In the end, he agreed to accompany you on a quick shopping trip (not date) for the rest of the evening. He didnât think much of it at first. Still, a part of him kept wondering if this was really okay, him being out with you like this. But you had told him it was fine. It wasnât like you were sneaking around or anything.
You were in public. You even asked why he was being such a worrywart about the two of you being seen together. He didnât say much in return, just stayed quiet, because there was no way you were that gullible.
When Seungcheol thought about it, if he were the boyfriend⊠wouldnât you just ask him to come with you instead of your roommate? He wasnât trying to be dramatic. He was just putting himself in the boyfriendâs shoes. Of course heâd feel a little upset if his girlfriend didnât ask for his help.
But from what he observed, you seemed completely normal about it.
You were calm. Too calm.
He didnât want to assume that your relationship was⊠you know. From what he had heard from Jeonghan, Joshua was a likable guy. The kind of gentleman everyone admired. A dream, really.
And it wasnât like your relationship with Joshua seemed strained. If anything, you sounded happy. Content. Maybe there were things he just didnât know. Or maybe it was none of his business.
Damn it.Â
Why did he care so much? It was almost like he was hoping something would go wrong.
âI donât know which one suits me,â you said suddenly, snapping him out of his thoughts. âWhat do you think?â
âHow about this one?â he suggested, pointing at a pair of NB530s.
You shook your head. âThat oneâs expensive. Iâm not spending all my money on that.â
âWhatâs your budget, then?â
You didnât answer right away, hesitating.
Seungcheol caught onto that and didnât push. âItâs okay. You can try a few first. Weâll figure out the price later.â
It took less than an hour for you to finally choose. But there was something he noticed. While he was at the counter, he glanced over and saw you trying on another pair. You stood in front of the mirror, turning your foot slightly, checking how they looked. It was such a small thing, but he found it⊠endearing.Â
Then, after one last look, you sighed, almost dejected. You handed them back to the staff with a quiet thank you. You clearly liked those shoes, but you didnât buy them. Instead, when you joined him at the counter, you paid for a simpler pair, the same comfortable sneakers you had settled on earlier.
â
You both decided to take a break afterward, stopping by a café. You sat across from each other, each with your own drink.
âI was wondering,â Seungcheol started, âis it really okay for your boyfriend⊠for you to hang out with me?â
You sipped your mango smoothie thoughtfully. âI donât think he minds that much. Itâs not like I go out with people often anyway.â
He blinked. âSo⊠heâs okay with it?â
You nodded. âYeah. I rarely hang out. He probably thinks Iâm just running errandsâwhich is technically true.â You shrugged casually.
Seungcheol didnât want to seem nosy. He just didnât want to end up being that guy.
A homewrecker, to be exact. âBros before hoes,â his friends always joked. It was stupid, really.
Your eyes met him again, pulling him out of his thoughts. âI meant it when I said I donât really hang out with people,â you added. âThis is actually my first time in a while⊠other than with Joshua.â
Now it was his turn to blink at you. âWhat do you mean?â
âItâs not that I donât want to go out,â you explained. âIt just costs money. So I usually donât joinâI try to save instead.â
âI get that.â
You smiled at him, relieved he didnât find it strange. âThatâs why Joshua doesnât really mind if I go out⊠as long as itâs not all the time.â You paused, then added, âBut he did ask about my roommate. When I told him you were a guy⊠he didnât seem too happy about it.â
Seungcheol swallowed. He had seen that coming.
âI told him it was fineâyouâre nice and respectful,â you continued softly. âHe even offered for me to stay at his place. His mom bought him an apartment.â
You paused, absentmindedly twirling your straw. âItâs not that I donât want to live with him⊠itâs just⊠complicated.â
There was it again, that familiar look he once knew. That quiet way you kept things to yourself.
âJoshua comes from a well-off family,â you said. âI donât want to feel like Iâm taking the easy way just because heâs my boyfriend. Even if Iâm supposed to feel lucky he chose me.â
Seungcheol listened carefully. This was probably the most you had ever opened up to him. He just wished youâd do it more often, stop keeping everything bottled inside. It was hard to understand you when you hid so much.
âThatâs why I brought you instead of him,â you added. âHe wouldâve insisted on paying.â
Seungcheol thought for a moment before replying, choosing his words carefully. âHeâs your boyfriend,â he said. âIf he wants to treat you well, you deserve that.â
You let out a soft laugh, shaking your head. âYou wouldnât understand. He already pays for everything whenever we go out. I canât ask for more. It would be too much.â
âThereâs no such thing as âtoo muchâ when you love someone.â
You didnât reply to him, only smiled at his words. And somehow, that smile felt⊠distant. Maybe you wanted to agree deep inside in your heart, but reality had a way of reminding you where you stood.
Seungcheol wouldnât understand it. Maybe one day he would.
â
Love is an illness to a woman with many goals.Â
Thereâs no exaggeration behind that. Itâs not something bitter people say after a failed relationship. The moment you experience it, you understand it, and the weight of those words hits harder than you expect.
Youâve spent your whole life longing to be seen, but youâve also come to realize that when people look too closely, they inevitably notice the ugly part too. To be in a relationship means you have to be vulnerable with your partner, itâs normal. Yet, youâve never really been able to do that. Not until Joshua becomes your boyfriend.
Itâs not that youâre incapable of being in love. Love takes so much energy, emotion and costs a lot of sacrifice to be one. Youâre not sure if youâre mentally or physically ready for all that. For someone as goal-driven as you, it was easy to fall for him. Joshua made it easier for you, he never asks for things in return. Just you, unconditionally.
To Seungcheol, you seem pretty sad for a girl so in love.
He saw you that Wednesday at the café where you worked part-time. He waited for you to finish after his gym session, just so the two of you could walk back to your shared apartment together.
When you finally closed up and said goodbye to your coworkers, you spotted him waiting under a lamppost.
He straightened up, offering you a small smile. âHi. Ready to head back?â
You smiled back, nodding as you walked side by side. âYou didnât have to wait. You couldâve gone back earlier.â
He hummed, hands tucked into his pockets as he glanced up at the night sky. âI canât do that. Itâs dark, and I saw you were almost done. We live together, after all.â
Together.Â
For some reason, the word felt⊠wrong. As if it meant more than it should, because you already had someone.
âSo, how was your day?â you asked, breaking the silence.
âIt was okay,â he replied simply. Then, after a beat, âItâs my birthday today.â
You stopped in your tracks, staring at him. He turned back when he realized you werenât beside him anymore.
âNo way.â
He smiled. âYeah. Sorry I didnât tell you. Nothing much happenedâmy friends celebrated earlier at some grilled place.â
Without another word, you turned and hurried back toward the café. Seungcheol blinked in confusion at your departure. A few minutes later, you came back out, holding a small box.
âDonât tell meâŠâ His expression softened as you smiled.
Back at the apartment, you managed to find a spare candle from the cabinet. A small cake sat between the two of youâwhite frosting, strawberries on top.
Seungcheol blew out the candle, while you clapped softly. âMake a wish.â
He chuckled, clasping his hands for a brief moment before opening his eyes again. âAny heartfelt speech for me?â he teased.
You thought for a second. âI just wish for your happiness,â you said softly. âThat you stay healthy⊠and succeed in everything you do.â You gave a small smile, and that smile alone made him want to sigh.
Something about how pure you wereâit got him. It was such a simple wish, but it softened him in ways he didnât expect. He had to remind himself that you belonged to someone else, before he got ahead of himself.
Still, he appreciated you, respected you, and admired you for simply being⊠you.
He reached out something beside him, a paper bag and handed it to you. You tilted your head in confusion, before peeking inside. Your mouth parted slightly, to find inside were the same pair of shoes you had tried on before, the soft butter yellow and baby blue.
âI canât accept thisâitâs your birthdayâŠâ your voice softened, your gaze flickering between him and the shoes.
Seungcheol only smiled, watching the way your fingers traced over them. âDo me a favor,â he said gently. âIf youâre happy, then Iâm happy too. Just take them. Think of accepting it as your gift to me.â
You looked up at him, for the first timeâit felt like you were really seeing him. That smile of yours grew just a little wider. And that alone was already too much for him.
Later on, you sat on the couch, trying them on. He offered to tie the laces for you, and after a brief hesitation, you ended up letting him. As he knelt in front of you, focused on tying them, you found yourself staring at the top of his head.
âI always wondered what it would feel like to have an older brother,â you said softly. âWhen I look at you⊠it feels nice having you around. Is this what itâs like?â
Seungcheol froze just for a second. Then he continued tying the laces. âIs that so?â he said lightly. âThatâs nice to hear. But my brotherâs pretty dull and quiet, so⊠itâs not that exciting.â He looked up with a small smile.
âReally? Thatâs disappointing,â you laughed. âI only have a younger brother and an older sister.â
âWhy does it matter so much to you?â he asked, leaning back against the couch while sitting on the floor.
You hummed thoughtfully. âNothing, really. Itâs just⊠nice to be taken care of. You know what I mean?â
âWhat about your boyfriend?â he asked. âIâm sure he takes care of you.â
You laughed softly, swinging your legs. âThatâs different,â you paused for a moment before continuing. âWith you, it feels⊠more platonic. Maybe you wonât get it. Itâs like a family. Youâre just⊠there. Always caring.â
It was hard to explain. You couldnât exactly say that the way he cared for you felt almost like something deeper â like something safe. Something steady. It was almost close like home. Joshua was affectionate, warm, everything anyone could ask for. But Seungcheol, he cared without needing to say much. Without needing to touch.
His affection was quiet and gentle. And that made it feel even more real.
You appreciated him for that.
For you, it was easy to be transparent with him, open up a little without feeling insecure about your situation. Because he felt closer like home. Somehow, without either of you realizing it, you had already become home to each other.
âA BROKEN LOTUS ROOT IS CONNECTED BY ITS STRINGSâ
If youâve ever eaten lotus root, youâll know that when you bite into it, thin strands still cling between the pieces. Even when it breaks, it doesnât fully separate. People are like that too. Even after a breakup, something always lingers, an invisible thread tied between hearts.
Seungcheol liked to believe that he was connected to every person in his life by an invisible string. His friends, his familyâŠ. and thereâs you. It didnât always have to be romantic. His last relationship had been⊠normal. Something he thought could become serious, but it ended anyway. Then again, what had he expected from someone he met through a hookup?
That was when he realized he wanted something real. After that, he stopped fooling around. And now⊠he wondered if this was karma. Falling for you, unrequited. Maybe this was him tasting his own medicine, if thatâs what you want to call it.
He told himself that he shouldnât get attached. But who the fuck is he kidding? He was beyond attached at this point. You were already in his head, running through his fucking veins, settling into whatever was left of his heart â whether he likes it or not.
Seungcheol thought it was already a win that you had started opening up to him. Except that he failed to notice one thing about you. You were loyal to the bone. Everything about you made it clear that your attention belonged to one person. The man you chose, and it wasnât him.
He wasnât angry. This was the boundary he was supposed to respect. Still, there were things he couldnât ignore. Like the way you struggled to open a bottle cap but never asked him for help. You didnât say anything, but your body language made it clear. You wouldnât let him.
Or that one Thursday night, when you were having dinner together. Your phone rang, as you excused yourself mid-meal to answer your boyfriendâs call, leaving him alone at the table. Not that he minds, your boyfriend came first. Of course he did. Other times, he would catch glimpses of you on campus with him. And there, he saw it clearlyâyou let Joshua open the bottle cap for you. You let him do everything.
It wasnât about the bottle cap.Â
It was the fact that you made it an exception. Everything about youâyour attention, your care, the way you spoke about Joshua, it was all reserved for him. Exclusive and undivided, just for him. And somehow, that drove Seungcheol insane.
Because no matter how much he tried, he simply wasnât him.
It only got worse when he realized your boyfriend probably didnât like him. Or at least what it felt like. There was one time Joshua came over. Seungcheol hadnât expected it. He had just gotten back from training when he saw him in the kitchen. You and Joshua went straight into your room. The door was closed but the voices didn't stay quiet. He didnât mean to listen, but he heard enough. You were convincing your boyfriend, telling everything was fine. That staying here with Seungcheol was okay.
Thatâs when it hit him. You always make him feel seen, and then, just as quickly, remind him that everything you have to give belongs to someone else. Your life revolves around Joshua, and maybe thatâs what hurts the most. Not that you love someone, but that you love him so completely. You always made sure your boyfriend came first, always reassured him, always chose him.
Seungcheol decides maybe itâs time to find a new place.
â
A knock on his door, as he opens it to see you wearing a soft yellow blouse, paired with baby blue jeans. For a second, he just looks at you. He had to admit that yellow looks good on you. Too good. He pushes that thought away.
âYou look lovely,â he says instead. âA date, I assume?â
You nod, smiling, holding up a blue ribbon clip. âCan you help me put this on?â
Seungcheol has to quietly suck in a breath, he takes it as you turn around. You let him. That alone feels new. Heâs never really touched you beforeânot like this. Carefully, gently, he gathers your hair. Clips it the way you asked, slow and precise. Like it matters more than it should.
You turn back around, fingers reaching up to touch it. âDoes it look okay?â
âOh, trust me,â he said softly, smiling, âyou look very, very lovely.â The way your face lit up after that, it wasnât for him. It was for the person you were about to meet.
Watching you like this feels⊠strange. Like a father trying to let go of something precious. Like trying to let go of something that was never yours to begin with. He knows his feelings didnât start as romantic. He just⊠liked having you around. Just appreciated you. Found you endearing. Adored you, in ways he couldnât explain. Loved you â in the same quiet way he loves his family, his dog⊠the things that simply mattered, something soft, something contestant, something that doesnât need words. He hopes his actions were enough to show it, but no matter how much he wants to do more, he knows you wonât let him. Even if you never say it out loud.
â
The rest of the night, Seungcheol spent his time snacking while watching a romcom movie, one that Jeonghan had dragged him into watching every Saturday night at his place. Itâs not like he had much else to do. Just a miserable single guy, knowing you were probably enjoying your date with Joshua⊠maybe even staying over at his place.
He didnât want to think about it. He really didnât.
What he wasnât expecting was the sound of the door opening. He blinked in confusion as he glanced over only to see you rushing in, quickly heading straight to your room.Â
You didnât stay over?Â
His eyes lingered on your door. He hadnât caught your expression. Were you upset? Tired? Or something else happens.Â
The next three days passed.And maybe it was just his imagination, but⊠you seemed quieter. Yes, you were quiet, but not like this. He could sense itâsomething was wrong. He decided not to push, probably you needed space. He just didnât know how to bring it up without you shutting down⊠or worse, pulling away even more.
(Not that youâd ever snap at him but still.)
Something must have happened. With someone or⊠with him. So he waited. Let you come to him instead.
âThe lovers are finally together. All shall be well.â
Thatâs what Minghao had told him once, when he asked about couples fighting. Seungcheol nearly scoffed at the memory. Of course Minghao would say something like that. His previous relationship sucks, but what can do when he decides to date a shitty person? Not every relationship works like that. Not every fight is worth fixing. He should know that.
Seungcheol sat in the living room, staring at the TV. The movie was playing but his mind wasnât there. His eyes were distant, unfocused. He didnât even realise you had been standing beside him.
âWhat are you watching?âÂ
He flinched slightly, then looked up at you. âOhâuh⊠I donât know. Some romance movieâŠâ
Of course he wouldnât admit he was watching it because he felt lonely, because he felt⊠empty.
A moment passed. Then you started to talk. âI didnât talk with him,â your voice was quiet, pulling your knees to your chest, sitting beside him. âI wouldnât call it a fight. Itâs just⊠that nightâI was supposed to stay over, but his mom came by. Unexpectedly.â
Seungcheol stayed silent. He was listening carefully. That explains why you came back early, but still⊠the look on your face that night, it meant more than that.
âHis mom didnât look pleased,â you continued. âI mean, she was nice⊠butâŠâ you paused in between, âitâs justâher expression made it obvious she wasnât expecting her son to date someone like me. She was polite, but you could still tellâŠâ
Seungcheol turned his head slightly, looking at you. Your expression was small and quiet. It pulled at something in his chest.
âAnd I accidentally met with her again at my workplace,â you continued, letting out a small breath. âWe had some talk and⊠she told me that she loved her son so much, she hoped that whatever Joshua and I had wasn't that deep and wanted Joshua and me to just⊠you know.â You didnât finish the sentence. You didnât need to.
You buried your face into your knees. âI donât know⊠it just feels like the world is against me,â you murmured. âIâm confused, Cheol.â
That look on your face. Heâs seen it before, and every timeâit hurts. Seungcheol wanted nothing more than to pull you into a hug.
Just once. Just enough to tell you itâll be okay, yet he didnât. He couldnât give you that.
âIâm sorryâŠâ he said quietly. âIs there anything I can do? To make it feel⊠less heavy?â
His voice always softened when he spoke to you, gentle in a way the world never got to see. Like youâre something fragile. In the end, you didnât need anything grand. You just stayed there, side by side. Letting the silence fill the space between you. Just... comfortable and somehow, that was enough.
For it to feel a little less heavy.
âI WANT TO BE YOUR FAVOURITE HELLO AND YOUR HARDEST GOODBYE.â
You never noticed when he started watching you more than he should. Only that his gaze always lingered a second longer than necessary. Seungcheol isnât a fool. He knows youâre sad. The way your shoulders slump after coming back from work. That dejected look on your face like a solemn little puppy. The way you leave your phone lying around, not even bothering to bring it back to your room.
Meals are⊠still the same, except that you barely eat now. Just picking on your foodâso quiet and distant. And he doesnât try to start a conversation. Not when you look like that, so he just stays there. Even if it hurts. Because seeing you like this so quiet, so⊠unalive without saying anything about whatâs going on. It tears him.
So when he sees you come home one evening, eyes glassy, tears already brimming and then slam your door shut. He freezes at the sight. That wasnât like you at all.
He stands there for a moment. Hesitating a bit as he stared towards your door. He knows you need spaceâhe knows that very well, but he canât take it anymore. He hates this. Hate seeing you like this. So small, so broken and so quiet.
It wrenches his heart.
Slowly, he walks up to your door with a soft careful knock, â...hey.â his voice is low and uncertain, â...come on. Talk to me. Whatâs wrong?â He leans slightly closer to the door, worry already written all over his face and then he hears it.
Your sobs, it was heavy, you were already holding it back so much. And it makes his chest tighten instantly. Whatever it is, he knows itâs bad. Really bad, because youâre never like this. You, who always seems so calm, so composed, so⊠peaceful. Seeing you like this does something to him. Like this sudden need to protect you â to fix it and to take it all away if he could.
And he stays there. Right outside your door until you let him in. Heâs not leaving you, not this time.
It took almost two hours before he finally got an answer from you. So he decided to take things into his own hands. He turned the doorknob and stepped in, quietly placing a plate of sliced peaches on the drawer. Seeing your back turned to him made him sigh.
He sat at the edge of the bed, close enough. âWanna talk about it?â
You sniffled. Your voice came out small, flat. âWe broke up.â
Seungcheol went still. He wasnât expecting that, but right now he didnât want to think about anything else. Just focused on you.
âIt started with a talk⊠then turned into small arguments⊠itâs not even about that, itâs justâŠâ You slowly sat up, your hair falling over your face as you tried to gather your thoughts. Seungcheol quickly reached for the tissue box, gently dabbing your damp cheeks.
âHey, hey⊠itâs okay. Take your time,â he murmured. ââŠyou donât have to say everything at once. Just⊠let it out.â
You looked up at him, lips trembling. He panicked a little at the sight of your crumpled expression. Quickly, he handed you a fork with a piece of peach.
âSlowly⊠Iâm here, okay?âÂ
You nodded, taking a small bite. âI donât know⊠I just⊠I kind of saw it coming, but I didnât expect it to end like this.â
You continued, and he listened. âI remember when my mom passed away⊠three days after the funeral, my sister and I argued. I was never the type to get angry easily, but⊠our relationship was never good. Even when our mom was still alive.â
You paused, chewing absentmindedly. âI got so mad at her⊠she didnât do anything when Mom was sick. I was the one taking care of her the whole time.â
Seungcheol nodded slowly, his hand finding yours. His thumb gently brushes over your knuckles.Â
âWe almost got into a physical fight,â you continued softly. âWe were teenagers back then⊠I didnât know any better. Maybe I was just holding everything in.â You let out a breath. âOur uncles had to separate us. My sister went with my aunt⊠and I went with my dad.â
A faint smile touched your lips. âMy dad was never really expressive⊠but that was the first time he comforted me like that. He asked me what was wrong, and I just⊠broke down. Told him everything.â You exhaled softly. âSometimes I can still feel his hand on my head⊠the way he comforted me. That memory alone makes me feel soâŠâ
Seungcheol smiled gently. âHow do you feel now?â
âA little better⊠I guess.â you shrugged.
He nodded. âThen⊠can I ask whatâs making your heart feel so heavy?â
You hesitated at first then looked at him. His fingers still softly tracing over your hand, grounding you. So you told him.
âWhen your mom dies⊠it leaves a big hole inside you.â You placed your palm over your chest. âI still have mine here. Itâs⊠huge.â
Seungcheolâs expression softened. He knew grief didnât just disappear. It staysâmaybe changes shape but it will always remain there.Â
âThe grief is still there⊠even after ten years,â you continued. âPeople say Iâve moved on⊠but I think we just learn how to live with it.â You breathed out slowly. âAll I can do is live my life without regrets. Make new memories. I know my mom is still with me⊠here.â
His chest tightened. He felt himself getting emotional. Sniffing slightly. Before he could think too much, he leaned forward and pulled you into a hug. When life gets too heavy, he wishes you would always come to him. Tell him everything. The bad days and the good ones too.
His arms wrapped around you gently, one hand soothing your back, the other resting protectively at your head. And for the first time, youâd let him. You leaned into him, relaxed.
âThe reason we broke upâŠâ you murmured after a while, your voice softer now. He slowly pulled back, but stayed close. ââŠitâs probably me.â you sighed in between. âEven though things were⊠okay, he told me that he and his mom talked about us.â
You swallowed. âHis mom gave us the green light. But the way she said it⊠she mentioned heâs a one-time kind of guy,â frowning slightly, âand I donât know⊠it made me thinkâdoes that mean heâs only dating me until he finds the âperfectâ partner his mom actually wants?â
Seungcheol listened, every word you pour out.
âIâm like that too,â you continued. âI donât just date anyone. If I love⊠I give everything.â Your brows furrowed, âbut even if we worked out⊠I donât think his mom would ever truly accept me.â your eyes looked down on your palms, âI donât want to be in a relationship where I have to walk on eggshells all the time.â
Thereâs a pause, then you continued, âMy lifeâs already been hard enough. My family⊠my dad loves me.â Your voice softened again. âI donât even want him to know Iâm struggling like this.â
Lips trembled slightly. âIâm sad because⊠for the first time in my life, someone chose me.â A small, broken breath left from your lips, ââŠbut I guess it was just foolish hope.â
â
Three months passed, just like that. The new year came and went. You didnât really have any plans during the semester break. Your part-time contract had ended, and you were still considering whether to continue working there, especially with your clinical posting coming up soon.
For now, you just let it be.
Seungcheol had offered for you to join his familyâs celebration. (though, notably, he didnât invite Jeonghan, something about his whole family gushing over him.) Itâs not like anything was exciting about going back to your dadâs house anyway. Youâd probably just end up bed-rotting.
âAre you sure they wonât mind me coming over?â you asked, closing the car door as you glanced at his parentâs house.
âYeah, I already told them about you,â he replied, taking your luggage out of the trunk. âDonât worry about that pretty little head of yours.â
You followed him inside. The moment he stepped in, he was greeted warmly by his parents. And then, his motherâs gaze landed on you. Her smile paused for a moment.
âOh.â That was the first thing she said.
You swear you could feel a sense of deja vu there, feeling it creeping in. Instinctively, you shifted slightly behind Seungcheol, avoiding her gaze.
âYou didnât tell me your friend is a girl,â his dad mused.
Seungcheol groaned immediately, grabbing both his parents and pulling them aside. You blinked, left standing there awkwardly, fiddling with your fingers.Â
âOkay, I can explain,â he whispered, like it was some kind of secret mission. âSheâs just⊠going through something. Sheâs had a rough time lately. Soâjust help me make her feel comfortable, okay?â
His mother smiled knowingly. âSo⊠youâre sure youâre just friends?â
He buried his face in his hands. âPlease donât start.â
Before anything else could happen, another voice cut in. âOh my, itâs Cheol!â His grandmother came padding over, immediately squishing his cheeks. Seungcheol groaned in embarrassment, clearly not thrilled about being babied in front of you.
Then she turned to you, her eyes lit up instantly. âOh my goodness!â she exclaimed, taking your hands in hers. âI never thought Iâd see the day Cheol brings his lover home.â
Your eyes widened, her touch was warm and gentle. She cupped your face, brushing her fingers over your cheeks affectionately. You smiled without realizing it.
âHalmeoni!â Seungcheol whined, face flushed. âSheâs notâokay, everyone, donât make it weird. Sheâs staying with us for the week, so no weird questions.â
You remembered that heâs the youngest in his family. Which means, heâs the baby in the family, and you could totally see it. But more than that, it felt nice being here. The way they welcomed you, even in their own chaotic way. It felt warm like you were meant to be, like close to home.
The whole trip, his family welcomed you warmly. His mother prepared countless dishes, always making sure you ate enough more than enough. His family was loving, gentle in a way you werenât used to. Especially his grandmother.
Now you understood where his clinginess came from. Cheol once mentioned that his mom had been expecting a baby girl but instead, it was him. It made sense, the way they adored him.
It felt⊠different. Back then, when it was just the two of you, Seungcheol carried this sort of macho charm. But here, that completely disappearedâreplaced by something softer, boyish and loved.
And strangely, it made you feel that sense of deja vu again because Joshua was like that too. Heâs someone important and precious to his mother.
You eventually let him go, not because you werenât compatible but because you were too selfless. No matter how much he begged you to stay⊠you just didnât have it in you. He was an only child, and the thought of his motherâs words stayed with you. You couldnât bear the idea of taking him away for yourself. Like you were stealing something precious. When he asked if you ever loved him, you said yes. Because you did, but you loved yourself more. And you knew you deserved to be someoneâs happiness. Someoneâs precious person, not someone who had to hesitate.
That was it. Your story with him ended there.
Youâve always been alone independently. Everything should be fine. Just like it was before he ever came into your life.
The sound of water echoed softly. Seungcheol made his way down the small path toward the waterfall, careful with his steps. Then he saw you. Standing there alone.
âWhat are you doing here all by yourself?â he called out, approaching you as the cool breeze passed through. âMy dadâs already grillingâI hope you donât mind stuffing yourself again.â
You turned, smiling and thatâs when you noticed it. His hair has got shorter with a clean cut. It suited him. âYou look great,â you said. âDid you get it cut recently?â
He rubbed the back of his neck, fingers brushing against the undercut as he smiled shyly. âReally? I had to. Iâve been applying to be a trainer lately. After this trip⊠I might get posted somewhere for my practical.â
âOhâŠâ you trailed off. You didnât expect that. ââŠyou mentioned it before, I think.â thereâs a pause. âHow long?â
Seungcheol thought for a moment. "About five months.â
You nodded, quiet again. Your eyes drifted to him still standing there, hand lingering at the back of his neck.
âDo I really look okay with this?â he asked again, a little unsure. âFeels too short.â
âYeah,â you said simply. âYou looked handsome.â
His lips curved. âReally?â
âVery,â you added. âVery handsome and manly.â
That did it. His smile widened, the tips of his ears turning red. You didnât notice it. He let out a quiet breath, trying to calm himself before he got too carried away. You really had no idea what you did to him.
âAlright,â he said finally, stepping down first and turning back to you. âLetâs head back.â He extended his hand for you.
You hesitated, just for a second.
He noticed it and smiled, soft, coaxing. âCome down, baby. Iâm just making sure you donât trip on the rocks.â
The nickname made you smile. Without thinking too much, you reached out and took his hand. Instead of just holding it, he lifted you. You stiffened slightly in his arms, caught off guard. It was quick and careful. And before you could react, he set you down gently.Â
âItâs dangerous,â he said casually. âHad to do that.â His hand came up resting on your head. The gesture alone felt soft and affectionate.Â
You swallowed. Something tight forming in your chest. Then you blinked, and started walking beside him not even realizing that his fingers had already slipped into yours. Interlaced, like it belonged there.
âWHEN I LOOK AT YOU, I SEE THE REST OF MY LIFE IN FRONT OF MY EYES.â
You heard a soft knock on the door before it slowly creaked open.
âHi,â Seungcheol peeked in with a small smile, closing it gently behind him. âSorry to bother you⊠were you about to sleep?â
You shook your head, shifting under the comforter as you sat up against the pillow. âNo, youâre not bothering me. This is your room, after all⊠do you need something?â
He walked over, settling himself beside you on the bed. Close to you. His room had been your place for the whole week. It smelled like him. Felt like him too.
âHow was dinner?â his hand found yours, like it was the most natural thing in the world, his fingers slipped between yours.
âIt was nice,â you hummed, letting your hand rest in his. âI think I might gain some weight after this trip.â
âMore of you to love, then.â
You smiled instantly. He always had a way with words. It was soft, effortless and almost close to dangerous. Everything he did made your heart flutter. Somewhere along this week, you had forgotten the heartbreak from three months ago.
âYou should sleep,â you told him gently, still playing with your intertwined fingers. âTomorrowâs going to be a long drive.â
âThatâs exactly why Iâm checking on you,â he replied.
You raised a brow. âSays the one whoâs driving. Four hours isnât a joke, you know.â
He chuckled, leaning just a little closer. âCall me âoppaâ first. Then maybe Iâll listen.â
âNo way.â
You both laughed. It was light and easy. Like nothing in the world could touch this moment. And then it faded slowly. The laughter softened as well as the air suddenly shifted. He was still looking at you. He has been looking at you the whole time. You tried to hold his gaze but ended up looking away, suddenly shy. When did it become like this? Because when did he start looking at you like that? You never really thought about how you saw him. All you knew was, he was someone you grew to care for. Someone you chose to keep in your life.Â
âI really like having you by my side,â Seungcheol said quietly.
You looked at him again, and smiled softly. â...me too.â
You didnât realize when it happened, when suddenly he was closer, much closer to you. You didnât move. You just let him. Your fingers tightened slightly around his, breath hitched as his lashes brushed against yours. The tip of his nose touched yours.
So close. Too close.
Your heart was racing very loud and unsteady.
âI mean it,â he whispered. âI really, really like you⊠more than you think.â
Your eyes searched his. It was raw and honest, too real. He knew you were still healing. Still picking up pieces of yourself. And even if it took months or years, he was willing to wait.
You blinked. Trying to steady your thoughts, but that hesitation, it was there again. The same one he always sees in you. He wished you wouldnât hold back. Just this once. Still, he didnât pull away. He leaned in againâforehead resting against yours. So close it felt like a kiss was inevitable. You knew what this meant. So you chose to stay, but he didnât close the distance. He just kinda stayed there. Letting the moment breathe, letting you decide.
âI like you too,â you said.
It wasnât a confession.
Seungcheol pulled back slightly. Searching your face and he saw it. That lookâthe one he already knew too well. Not empty, just⊠not the answer he wanted. You liked him but not the way he loved you. That alone itself made his inside crack a little. He had seen this coming but walking away now would hurt more.
âThen kiss me.â
You froze. Then slowly, you leaned in just like before. Your noses brushed, lips hovered a breath away. He didnât move, letting you take the lead. Just then you stopped. Lips barely grazed his, the soft, fleeting touch. It was not quite a kiss, not quite nothing.
It made his chest ache.
âIâm sorry, CheolâŠâ you whispered, lowering your gaze. âI donât want to treat you like an option.â You looked back at him, eyes apologetic and honest. âI donât want you to feel like I chose you just because I couldnât have someone else. You deserve more than that.â Your voice softened, ââŠwhat we have now⊠I donât want to lose it.â
Seungcheol gave you a faint smile, tired but gentle. Deep down he already knew that. He reached up, brushing your hair back, his hand trailing down to your cheek. The gesture was careful and affectionate.
âI know, baby. I know,â he murmured, resting his forehead against yours again. âI just⊠needed to know.â a pause. âYouâre precious to me.â
His arms wrapped around you once more, holding you close and you let him. You felt it, his warmth, his scent and his love. Maybe that was the problem, you seem to incapable of accepting his love for you.
â
That morning, you and Seungcheol had breakfast prepared by his mom and grandmother. He didnât ignore you, but he was⊠quiet.
The whole ride back was the same too. At least, when it was just the two of you. You kept glancing at him. Very carefully, trying to read him. You even brought it up last night, asked if he was okay. If things were okay between you. He reassured you and said it wouldn't be awkward, and claimed everything was fine. But even if he said that, his actions told a different story. He didnât push you away, didnât ignore you but you could see it. The silence, the way he kept to himself like he was trying to deal with it quietly on his own. It made you feel horrible.Â
Just like that, your clinical posting started. Days got busier and schedule got tighter. You and Seungcheol barely saw each other now even though you lived under the same roof. Still, whenever you had the chance, you ate together. It was only a small moment but familiar.
That day, you were on your way to collect your academic records. Still in your scrubs, rushing during your break when you accidentally bumped into someone. âIâm so sorryââ you quickly crouched down, gathering the papers that had scattered across the floor.
âItâs alright, I should be the one apologizing,â the other person said, handing you your dropped pen.
You looked up and recognized him. It was Jeonghan, Seungcheolâs friend. You gave him a small smile, murmuring a quiet thank you as you took your things back. You didnât have much time, you were already in a rush. Just as you were about to leaveâ
âWait.â You turned at him. âSince youâre here,â he said, pulling something out from his jacket, it seems like a pendrive. âI was actually going to return this to him, butâŠâ he paused, then handed it to you, âI figured you could pass it to him instead. Heâs leaving soon anyway.â
You took it slowly. A slight frown forming. ââŠwhat do you mean?â
Jeonghan nodded, like he just remembered. âOhâright. You didnât know?â
Your stomach sank.Â
âHeâs leaving today. For his practical,â he said casually. âAnd after that⊠heâs planning to enlist.â
Your grip tightened around the object you're holding.
ââŠmilitary service,â Jeonghan continued. âPretty long too. He chose the marine department.â
Brief silence filled the air. You didnât know what to say because you didn't know this. At all. Seungcheol never told you.
Jeonghan tilted his head slightly, watching your reaction. âI thought you knew,â he said. âYou two live together, donât you?â
You forced a small smile. âI didnât,â pausing, ââŠbut thank you for telling me.â
And just like that, you turned and walked faster. You needed to find him.
You hated it. You hated what you were feeling right now. The same anxiousness creeping into your chest like it would tear you apart the moment you realized you had lost something precious. You rushed back to your shared apartment, but he wasnât there. There was no trace of him, no presence. Just an almost empty room, clean, quiet and gone. Your heart dropped.
Then you remembered. The train. He once told you where he would be posted, back in his hometown. You didnât hesitate as you ran to the train station. Panting as you arrived, eyes scanning through the crowd. You came with nothing, just your jacket, still in your medical scrubs. The cold air bit against your skin, but you couldnât feel it. Your fingers were numb. Your chest was louder. And then you saw himâthat familiar figure, standing there.
âChoi Seungcheol!â
His head snapped toward your voice. He was both surprised and confused at your call, before he could react you were already running toward him. You crashed into him, arms wrapped tight. He stiffened for a second, caught off guard.
How could he just leave like that? Without telling you? After everything, after all the love he gave you and just walked awayââleave you in the dark? What were you supposed to do if he wasnât there anymore.
âWhy didnât you tell me you were leaving today?â your voice broke. âJeonghan said youâre going to enlist after thisâam I really that unimportant to you?â
Damn Jeonghan.
Seungcheol blinked, startled, his hands quickly finding yours. âBaby, itâs not like thatâ I didnât want to⊠I justâŠâ He struggled, fingers tightening slightly around yours. âAfter that day⊠I thought it would hurt less if I left sooner. Time would pass anyway.â
Your eyes softened, but it still hurts you that he didnât tell you that.
âAre you trying to forget me?â your voice dropped, quieter now. ââŠis that why you didnât tell me? Just leave and take everything with you?â Your breath trembled. âFive months⊠and then militaryâitâs going to be more than two years, Cheol.â Thereâs a pause in between. âHow am I supposed to live if you just leave me like that?â
Your voice broke into soft sobs. He cupped your face immediately. It was firm and gentle. âNo,â he said, steady. âI love you too much for that.â He swallowed, trying to find the right words. âI donât want to leave you like this⊠with a broken heart.â his voice softened. âWherever you need me, Iâll be there. As long as youâll let me.â
The announcement echoed. His train.Â
Your heart tightened. Time was running out. Your fingers gripped him tighter. âCheolâŠâ Your voice came out fragile, barely holding together. There was so much to say, too much and not enough time. All you knew was⊠you wanted him.
Seungcheol smiled softly, wiping the tears from your cheeks. âIâll still be here, remember?â He took your hand, placing it over his chest. His heartbeat was steady and warm. It only made it worse. You werenât ready for this. Not for him to leave.
You sniffled, leaning into him as he pulled you into a hug, his hand soothing your back. Everything suddenly hit you at once. The regret, the realization and the truth.
âI love you, Cheol,â you said, voice shaking. He pulled you back, eyes searching yours. This time, it was real. âI really do⊠Iâm sorry I didnât realize it sooner. Not until you were leaving.â
His expression softened, he was relieved at that. Slowly, he leaned in and this time he kissed you. It was soft and gentle. Full of everything he had been holding back. And you let him, finally. When he pulled away, your noses still brushed. Very close. However, your chest still felt heavy, because he was still leaving.Â
âPlease come back faster,â you whispered.
Seungcheol smiled faintly, resting his forehead against yours. âI will, baby.â he gave you one last soft peck. âBy the time I come back⊠you better be doing well, okay?â
You nodded. His hand came up again, resting on your head, those familiar, gentle pats. He kissed your temple. Then, he slipped something into your hand. A folded paper, closing your fingers around it. Â
âRead it when you get home,â he murmured. âI donât want you crying alone here.â
The announcement rang again. Final call.
He exhaled, reluctant. He stepped back slowly. Your fingers clung to his for a moment longer. Not wanting to let go, but eventually they slipped apart. You watched him board the train, your vision blurred with tears. As the train began to move, he watched you too. Getting smaller⊠further away, all alone.
ââŠshit,â he muttered, resting his head against the glass. âHow am I supposed to leave her like that?â
And youâll wait. And he will too, because when he comes back he knows heâs going to hold you together more than ever before.
By the time you got back to the quiet apartment, your hands slowly unfolded the paper he had given you at the train station. You were still trying to recover from the hollow feeling in your chest after his departure.
He had written you a letter. You werenât sure if you were strong enough to read it at that moment. But you did anyway.
My lovely ____, Iâm so sorry that you had to find out this way. I sincerely hope that all the words I failed to convey to you in person will, through this letter, finally reach your heart. When I try to approach you, it feels like a dream that slips away. What should I do? You, who brought so much light into my life. You, who gave me so much love without making me feel lonely. You, who live in my heart. I always find myself missing you today, tomorrow, and all the days to come. I canât hide my growing feelings for you anymore. You have no idea how I feel every day. Sometimes I feel sick, sometimes I cry, all because of this love. I find myself holding my breath every time I look at you, as if the world has stopped. Like the passing wind even if you donât see me, my heart always moves toward you. Loving you is such a painful thing. These feelings canât be emptied. But my dear, please donât forget this great love Iâve kept only for you. It hurts me to see how comfortable you are in the dark. I just wish you would lean on me more, tell me everything your heart has been holding for so long. Every day, I hold onto you, yet I canât seem to let go. Deep down, I know Iâm afraid. Your eyes⊠they look at me as if they understand my heart. Even when I try to distance myself, the memories keep calling me back no matter where I go. Us, who never wanted to let go. Us, who leaned on each other. I donât want to lose that bond. But at the same time, I donât want to live a life where youâre no longer there where youâve found your happiness, and Iâm not a part of it. And thatâs the moment where my footsteps stop. This isnât the life I wanted. I wanted to be by your side forever. Donât go and leave all my love behind. Even if itâs a little late, maybe itâs still destinyâwe will meet again someday. I hope that one day, I can love you the way Iâve always wanted to. Forgetting you is the hardest thing Iâve ever had to do. You are the only one for me. Wherever you are in this world, I will find my way to you. Thank you⊠for giving me a love that made me feel less lonely. Love, Cheol.
You were already breaking down, crouched in the empty, cold apartment where he no longer was. Your sobs echoed through the silence, tears falling onto the letter in your hands. You cried so hard, holding the paper close to your chest. There is nothing greater than his love for you, and you will wait with arms open. Just five months and youâll be alright.
Love is just a word until someone comes into your life and gives it meaning.
FIN.
a/n: wow. the original ending was supposed to be a not happy one, but meh i changed my mind in the middle of it. i think i might be woozi yo. once again, thank uu for staying until the end, apples! big thanks to @ashlinxloves for witnessing my whole procrastination ride n i managed to finish it just as i expected.
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