Chessa In Wonderland

Currently writing my very own book! Here you can join me on the journey of writing or to follow along with my updates. Either way, you're very welcome!

[chessainwonderland]

Go and read my ongoing (dark) fantasy that I'm currently posting on both Inkitt and Wattpad. You need to be 18+ to read, as it is quite a dark story with detailed descriptions of torture, violence, and other dark themes. The subplot is a romance between two women (and most of the side characters are either non-romantic or non-straight), so if LGBTQB+ isn't your thing, then neither is this story.

The Shape Of A Monster - Free Novel by ChessaInWonderland

Edrei Tenebrous has served the king and his family since she was a child, killing and spying. The world she knows is dark and violent, but s

(previously named Obscuring Mirrors) Edrei Tenebrous has served the king and his family since she was a child, killing and spying. The world

Synopsis:

Edrei Tenebrous has served the king and his family since she was a child, killing and spying. The world she knows is dark and violent, but she has learned to survive it. Emlyn Blackwood has lived among the rich in the Kingdom, adopted since birth by the royal family's closest advisors. With a powerful gift from the gods, the ability to control water, she has lived a sheltered life, and the world she knows is bright and protected. When the two meet for the first time, they challenge each other's views of the world, while secrets and intrigues are unearthed.

[chessainwonderland]

Do you ever feel like a melody has a personality? Like a whole person? With hidden trauma and a love life or lack thereof? It dosn't even have to be a song, it could just be a part of it. Maybe only three seconds.

[nondelphic]

nobody talks about how hard it is to write when your internal monologue is like

“he walked—wait no—he ambled—ugh—he trudged??—he perished actually. just delete the scene.”

[alunaloverworld]

[chessainwonderland]

Doing The Fucking Dishes

So, I have ADHD.

Apparently, this sentence annoys some people. And I get it. There are a bunch of people out there who use this as an excuse for everything in their lives, and often it turns out they don't even have ADHD. It is another thing someone can say to make people feel sorry for you, or to get attention. Or that's what I've heard, anyway. It's an excuse to be lazy, to not do something. And maybe that's true.

But I read something a while back that has stuck with me. If you were truly lazy, you would feel good about it. Meaning, that if not doing your dishes was because you were lazy, you wouldn't have that crippling anxiety, that gnawing monster in your stomach, that voice telling you what a failure you are for not doing the dishes.

So what are you then, if not lazy? If you have that crippling anxiety about not doing the dishes, why are you not doing them? It's easy, isn't it? Get up from your big bum, take the dish soap, and just do it.

The answer is, I don't know. It's a constant in my head. Why can't I do it? I want to. I promise, I do. So much that I can't move. I want to do it so much that I get stuck. It hurts all over my body due to the lack of movement, the loud, silent will to just move.

And it's not just the dishes. It's going to take a shower, it's throwing the garbage away, it's going to shop for groceries, it's going for a fucking walk. I want to, I just... can't.

When I try to explain myself, I can see that I'm not fully reaching them. How can you explain that you want something so much that you get stuck? How can you explain that something so apparently easy is so very hard for me? It doesn't connect with them, how something so ordinary, everyday easy, can be so taxing, indescribably hard for me. But that's okay. It doesn't really connect for me either.

"Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)[1] is a neurodevelopmental disorder characterised by symptoms of inattention, hyperactivity, impulsivity, and emotional dysregulation that are excessive and pervasive, impairing in multiple contexts, and developmentally inappropriate.[9] ADHD symptoms arise from executive dysfunction.[18]"

That's a direct copy from Wikipedia, one of the first sites that you get up when you google What is ADHD.

"Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is one of the most common mental disorders affecting children. Symptoms of ADHD include inattention (not being able to keep focus), hyperactivity (excess movement that is not fitting to the setting) and impulsivity (hasty acts that occur in the moment without thought)."

This is from another such site, Psychiatry.org

I still don't really know what it is.

Ever since I've been diagnosed with ADHD, long before that, really, I have tried to learn more about it. And I've learned a lot. Mostly about myself. I recognise myself in almost every factual text I find, in every video on TikTok or Instagram. That is me, that is what I have, it's no question about it. And it was a comfort, in a way. To have it official. It's not me, it's my diagnosis. I'm literarily disabled. It says so, right there on black upon white. It's not my fault I am this way. It's just something missing in my brain.

But I still can't do the fucking dishes.

And it's not just the dishes. ADHD steals from me in the places I least expect: It's also in the things I love, in the things I feel passionate about. I go through hobbies the way someone goes through their shoes. I had a period where I did crochet. I did it everywhere, brought it with me wherever I went. It came with me on the tram, I did it in calmer moments at work, and I even brought it with me on nights out, more than once. I loved doing it. And then it stopped. I just stopped doing it. I can still find yarn all over my apartment, almost a year later, but that itch is gone.

For half of my life, I was always nose deep into a book. And just with the crochet, I would never leave home without a book with me. I could even read whilst walking in the middle of the city, life bustling around me. Sometimes I would read more than one book at once. Three or even four books were on the nightstand beside me, all with a random bookmark in the middle of them, often receipts from various bookstores. And then I just stopped. I still love books, and I have them all over my home, but no matter how much I try, I can never finish one anymore.

And I miss it. That feeling of being lost in something where the world around you disappears. Time loses all meaning as an hour could feel like a day and a day could feel like an hour. It doesn't matter what kind of hobby I have; it's always that same feeling. I'm helplessly lost where I belong.

But I always find another hobby again. I lose one and then, before I know it, I'm doing something else.

I have learned guitar, the violin, and the piano. I have done dance classes, tried ball sports (hated that one pretty fast though), learned to paint, sketch, and sculpt. If you have questions about dogs or cats, I'm your person. Or do you want to know how to best care for your hair? Maybe want to learn a new braid? Come to me and I'll show you. There is so much in my head, taking up space, making me a semi-expert in a lot of different things. And I loved them all. Like a fiery lover, I have given them my time, my nights, and my sanity.

And every time I leave them, I feel empty. Without purpose, a reason to go on. Not that I wanted to die, let's not go that far. It was more like my comfort blanket had disappeared, and now I'm left to fend for myself, freezing. Or as I told my mother once, it's like I left my partner-to-be at the altar as I realized I didn't love them after all, and now I'm grieving for a lost best friend or a possible happy future.

The worst thing is that, today, as I now know how it all works, I know it will happen. I know that thing I just picked up, that thing I love, where I'm lost in a place where I belong, I'm going to lose it all, one day. There's nothing I can do about it. It will inevitably happen. Even though it's about me and my own feelings, I have no say about it.

People have told me on several occasions that they are jealous of the way I can lose myself in a hobby. That they wish they could do the same. And it's true, it is wonderful. I'm happiest when in the middle of a new hobby; there's nothing like it.

But the sense of having no purpose, having nothing to do all day, even though there is an itch under your skin for it. The restless energy that never goes away. The sense of always looking after something, but not knowing what. That is something I would never wish on anyone.

This is ADHD. I know it is, I've learnt it. I can't explain it in any other way. So when people tell me it's annoying when I say it, I can't help but feel exhausted. I can't say that I'm lazy, because that would be an injustice to what it feels like. I can't say that I'm spoiled either, for having learnt so many different things, or indecisive, as I can't just pick one and stay with it. It's not true. That's not what it is. It's just ADHD. Nothing more, nothing less.

It's not an excuse, but an explanation. It's not who I am; I am not my disability, but it's a way for you to see who it is I am.

So, I have ADHD.

[chessainwonderland]

Introverts in fantasy

I find introverts in fantasy hard to come by. And when I do stumble across one, they almost always end up changing to fit a more extroverted personality.

Evaelyn Morain, now Idun Morain, is one of those characters whom I knew what kind of person she was going to be long before I knew what she looked like. Everything after that, I built around that fact. Her personality, her upbringing, her gift, and lastly her looks.

I wanted her to appear shy. Someone who was quiet, wanting to rather be out of the drama rather than in it. If I had written her in a modern world, maybe in a classroom setting, she would have been the outcast. Not bullied, but certainly not one from the popular crew. As I have now written her in a world where she is raised as a Lady, but not only that, she's almost considered "holy" in the eyes of the inhabitants of that world, she automatically cannot be an outcast. She is now in the "in" crowd, not based on personality, but on status.

I wanted a genuine, shy, and reserved girl to be in a fantasy adventure, and I wanted her not to change. So I wrote her. No matter what she faces in the story I write, in the world I create, I want her to stay a shy and reserved girl. I want all those shy girls to recognize themselves in her, to see, and to learn, together with Idun, that you don't need to be loud to be brave. You can still stand up for yourself, to fight for what is right, and yet struggle to be in the spotlight. I want them to see that you can still be comfortable in your own skin, be confident even, and still be an introvert.

She will learn to recognize her own bravery, to be uncomfortable, face horrors, and possibly learn to stand up for herself. But her core won't change; she'll be an introvert forever, even as she grows as a character in other ways.

[chessainwonderland]

What is a monster?

This is the main question in my first book that I am currently writing. It is the question that started the whole idea of ​​what kind of plot I wanted to have, what kind of characters I wanted to write.

Myths and folklore from all over the world speak of monsters. They are hybrids, twisted creatures or predators that defy reason. They have no morals, no reason why they do what they do. Or they do it, but it is to kill, maim, corrupt. A monster is something that is unnatural, grotesque or threatening. They disrupt the normal order of the world.

Culturally, monsters tend to embody what people fear most: chaos, death, the unknown or taboo desires. A dragon can represent destruction and greed, vampires can symbolize disease, a forbidden hunger or the fear of mortality and a wolf, or werewolf, can be the ultimate predator, lurking in the shadows waiting for the perfect moment to kill.

Psychologically, a monster can be an expression of one's inner darkness. Rage, shame, lust or guilt become hideous forms in stories or imagination, giving form to emotions that are difficult to put into words or that one does not want to feel.

Philosophically, a monster does not have to be inhuman. A person can become a monster through cruelty, betrayal or a rejection of empathy. In this sense, "monster" is more of a moral judgment than a physical description. Then anyone can be a monster. The stranger you meet on the street, that date you are so excited to meet, or even a family member.

Symbolically, monsters represent "the other". That is, what we do not understand, what we reject or what we fear can live within us. They remind us of the thin line between human and inhuman, between order and chaos.

Ultimately, a monster is not just a creature with fangs and claws, but anything that embodies our fears and forces us to confront the limits of our humanity. In my story, I don't want the monster to be the obvious one. I want the reader to guess, come up with their own thoughts on why that person or that creature is the monster, and why the others are not. I also want the characters in the story, to wonder who the real monster is. Is it them? Are they the monsters? Or is it the scary creatures in that dark forest? Or maybe even someone close to them? Their friend, their family member, or someone in court? What shape does your monster take?

[chessainwonderland]

I've been starting to find inspiration photos for The Shape Of on Cosmos rather than on Pinterest, as I find that Pinterest has too many of both ads and AI. Cosmos has this cool feature where it lets you choose whether you want to see the AI-made images or not, or just blur them out. So now I have a folder for each of the main character in my story, or most of them, on Cosmos. I've privated the folds that are of characters I've yet to mention, as to not spoil it too much (not that there are any spoilers in them but yeah...) I use pictures and/or art that I find a lot for inspiration as I write. I find it easy to have something to go after when I try to describe it for the reader. Sometimes I have a picture in my head and I try to find something similar on the internet that matches it, sometimes I don't have clue of how it looks like but I find something that I like the look of and go from there. And sometimes I find something I really like and the cogwheels of a new idea or character starts turning in my head just based on a picture I've found. How is it for you? I know some find inspiration in music, in lyrics. Some find it in other books or in movies and shows. That's true for me also, but making a folder of similar pictures it's what really gets me going to really flesh out a story, a character or even a building. The picture I'm sharing now is how I see Azazel in my head. I first found on Pinterest and when I found Cosmos I transfered it to there. Azazel is one of the characters where I already had a clear picture in my head, and all the picture I find is what I feel comes closest to that. If you are a writer, how do you best find inspiration? What way do you use to flesh out your story? If you are a reader, do you like it when authors share their inspiration to their world they've created? Share a picture of a character that you love? Or do you find that it destroys the image you have in your head?

[melodicwriter]

[dollssuicide]