God is in your underwear

My name is Cheyenne. I'm 24 and I'm trying. I'm from the boring part of NYC. var sc_project=12321258; var sc_invisible=1; var sc_security="5c65a3d6"; var sc_https=1; var sc_remove_link=1;

[cheyennecheyenne]

started this blog a decade ago because I didn't know where else to share my overwhelming desire to kill myself without freaking out the people in my life because I would rather people just not know than have to deal with feeling like I'm conning people into caring about me by attempting suicide lmao

and decade later, I find myself back at this very same square, except I split rent with my man so there's a bit more consequence there

anyway how are you guys lmfao

[cheyennecheyenne]

can you believe i have covid again

[cheyennecheyenne]

come get y'all juice

[cheyennecheyenne]

well aren't I lucky that I've got no plans to run for office.

[cheyennecheyenne]

Hang in there, please rest and take care of yourself. You are a beautiful soul, you will beat Covid and come out stronger.

thanks for this - for better or worse, i can gladly say i survived covid, and somehow managed to not spread it to my man, which is a relief.

[cheyennecheyenne]

Any thoughts on Utah's new law that requires biological fathers to pay half of a women's out of pocket pregnancy expenses ?

no. off the top of my head i do not have any thoughts about that.

the only thing i’ll say i guess is that i’m pretty pro-not rawing people you don’t want to risk conceiving a child with (which i’ll admit to having done in a way stupider time of my life), pro-contraceptives and i’m also very pro-abortion, and that’s how i avoid those situations where one person wants a kid, one doesn’t, but the only person able to make a decision is the person whose body actually has the kid inside it

i’m also pretty ambivalent about kids to begin with (like. having them myself, i think kids are great and cool to raise and be around), so if i did end up pregnant by someone who started to make it clear that that wasn’t part of their plan, the idea of like. aborting that child so i don’t have to deal with somebody who felt roped into some shit they didn’t do intentionally is something i’d at least consider lol, i’m really not tryna wrestle with this ‘i mean, you DID nut in me but it WAS very much my own decision and not yours to keep this child, some other woman could have decided differently and put you out of your misery’ shit

i guess i do kinda feel like................. whether you did it consciously or not, you made the call to raw somebody and you assumed that risk so that kid might just be your L to take lol and whether you wanted them or not, bailing on a kid that’s youuurrr kid is grimy, so at least for the duration of the pregnancy, paying up so the mother of your kid has a comfortable pregnancy that she survives is like, only fair???? i’m already getting a headache sry

[cheyennecheyenne]

true life, i got covid after a year of outrunning it lmao and while my symptoms are relatively mild, i have a dizziness i cannot shake for shit - i feel like i got too crossfaded, except all the time

[the-sky-loves-you]

Trying dark academia hairstyles on my kinky hair 

[roll1uptwice]

[cheyennecheyenne]

you ever think about how many men are on here cheating on their wives

[chapterninety]

Black movie/tv couples on the cover of Jet Magazine part two (1991, 1992, 1994, 1995, 1997, 1998)

[spitblossoms]

[curseworm]

the inherent shame of beginning… dont look at me while i learn

[evilchrispine]

[jackmeatington]

@ironarya

[cheyennecheyenne]

💖

[cheyennecheyenne]

loving this hat i just finished

[cheyennecheyenne]

tw: sexual assault, csa, kink

(more therapy ramblings)

so for those of you who haven’t followed me for like ten years lmao, the story is this:

when i was 17? i was molested by my mom’s fiance. my sexual career pretty much began with that event so most of my time was spent engaging in behavior that was at least partially influenced by my trauma, which included dating older men exclusively and being a part of my local kink community

(it’s at this point that i must mention that i still don’t think a direct line should always be drawn between experiencing trauma and being drawn to kink; i mean, how many of the people i met in my brief time in my local kink scene were actually like, normal and well adjusted? i don’t know lmfao but it just doesn’t feel fair to members of the community to allege that they’re all just broken people idk anyway)

this time kind of ended with my getting into a relationship with a guy about 18 years my senior that i blogged about extensively on here, which ended because i wasn’t willing to be more open about this relationship for like, fucking obvious reasons, my father found out and threatened to kill me, i was alienated from everyone i knew because i had a man i couldn’t bring around anyone, it was an entire fucking mess

overall i... remember the relationship itself fondly? aside from the inherent exploitative nature of the age gap i guess lol, the structure of kink was something i felt i needed and something that benefitted me in the moment, i got great grades and was in the best shape i’d ever been in, and i was treated well

but because i discovered kink as soon as i became an adult, it wasn’t until i met my current partner that i was like, made to question my kinks and whether they’d developed organically or if they were either implanted in me by constant exposure to kink like, on this site lmao or if they were the product of trauma or something else, because my partner didn’t share them

my first therapy homework assignment was to examine my relationship to power and control after trauma, and i had to decide that i was going to bring my therapist to this part of my life, and it just kind of hit me the second i decided to start the assignment that perhaps.....

so the thing that was so stressful about having been molested was being partially blamed for it by my grandmother, who we lived with when it happened. i was subjected to that ‘fast girl’ narrative, that despite all the years of patriarchal conditioning that made me a pretty big prude in high school, i was able to tempt this man into inflicting this trauma on me. on some real r. kelly shit lol

and i think that after that..... i may have decided that if i somehow have this power to attract men that i’m not even interested in just by being this young, sexy thing, that to avoid having to deal with trauma being inflicted on me again, i’d use my sexuality as leverage to attract these older men and make the thing that brought this trauma upon me, work for me? and as a consequence, engage in a style of sex that just mimics my assault, but under the illusion of it being on my terms

so like, imagine fucking realizing that

anyway, just thinking about it now, i still haven’t really made a call as to how much of my current sexual preferences are influenced by my trauma, a patriarchal attraction to older or more dominant men, pure nature? maybe i’ll uncover this over time as my engagement with therapy either lessens my attraction to certain things or doesn’t? idk, this is all fresh in my mind