Childhood Realities

This is my story.......the more things I remember......the more I realise it was pretty fucked up...

[childhood-realities]

Here I am....alone...but not alone...I of course have the beautiful souls that are a part of my tribe... Have my back, love me and try as hard as I will allow to pull me back up.... I am stronger yet sometimes still so vulnerable... 1 day of onslaught from a troubled patient...abuse verbally and things chucked at me and it manages to set off that PTSD that is always there from years of trauma...years of gaslighting and narsasistic behaviour directed at myself and my children...and down comes the slowly built foundation that I have been slowly layering for myself to start standing strong again....I hate myself for being so vulnerable...I hate that I can fall to pieces again so easily...I hate that my weaknesses have caused trauma to my children...damage that I don't know if they'll recover from...hurt and anger directed at me from my child....anger that is somewhat deserved.... Hurt that may never be healed.... this is the biggest fear of all 🖤

[childhood-realities]

And this is the what needs to be maintained. I still feel dark and twisted and empty inside. Tonight I woke crying bit could not remember the dream.... He's still there in my thoughts... In my subconscious... Receiving the texts and the emails continue to remind me that I've done the right thing.... I don't feel ready to stop them....his Gaslighting behaviour that comes at me with sometimes words of adoration and & "love"....then the next onslaught and anger and hurt and crazy sometimes.....then he once again tells me he loves me....I know that he does in a twisted way... That's why it hurts so much I think..

I still love him but know that it's toxic....know that he needs help....I cannot wait for him to realise this .... I am to broken inside to continue taking the abuse..... My flame has nearly burnt out...I'm terrified of my next step to a new town... A new job... A new beginning..... But I've already jumped so no turning back now... 🖤💔

[childhood-realities]

It's so hard to move on.... I think we live in such a fast paced world with fast food and fast cars and everything is go go go all the time... People seem to think you're just going to take a couple of days then move on.... And man I wish feelings were like that it, but they're not, well at least mine aren't ... I know I have made the right choice by cutting loose my mentally and emotionally abusive partner... But that doesn't mean I just turned my feelings off like a tap.... I am hurting... My heart hurts.... By brain hurts... My libido is crying out... I'm lonely yet want no company at the same time ... I go to work and am in a place where I have to help fix people, mend the broken, care for the physically and mentally sick and broken.... And I feel more broken than them...no one wants to continue hearing about your sadness ... They say there there and you'll be okay.... But you can see the eye roll nearly happening and the urge they have to say come-on move on we don't want to hear more about your drama.... I feel like there has been a death and really that's what it is .... I am mourning... I don't know when this stage will end... For now I will suck it up when I'm out then cry in the darkness where it is now my safe place.....

[childhood-realities]

And sometimes you go through a whole packet of straws to just keep going and going and going....and it's neverending...and then you're finally out of straws....and you have no intention of investing in anymore straws... in fact you're shattering the whole damn glass!😒😞😥🖤

[childhood-realities]

All of a sudden I jumped right off a cliff without even knowing I was going to do it until I did..... I was just too damn tired of the abuse.. . Tired of trying to pretend I was okay.... Tired of trying to get through a day smiling and helping others and never acknowledging that inside I was falling apart...being torn apart...by the person I thought would be my forever person....the person that made my heart sing and my stomach drop due to all the butterflies in it .... How can this person then kill you with their words..... Assassinate you with 2 sentences and tear you completely apart til you're broken on the floor sobbing and just make you want to be anywhere other than in your own skin.....and just as you're trying to prepare yourself for a life on your own... They completely love bomb you and tell you your the most important person in the world and they're so proud of you and you are the most amazing person they've ever met and this life we're creating is amazing and beautiful....and then you forget about the yelling and the nastiness and the way they made you physically harm yourself to try and keep your anxiety under control as you never knew when they were going to snap and attack you again..... and then here you are with the chaos storming around me.... I feel like my whole world is imploding and I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to put my pieces back together....I may just be fractured for an eternity....always never fully being in one piece again

[childhood-realities]

And I will continue to survive ..... I tell myself while quietly weeping in the corner

[quotebook-in]

[childhood-realities]

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

“She loves deeply, regardless of the love she gets in return, and it is both her greatest strength and her biggest weakness.”

— N.R. Hart

[childhood-realities]

Always .....💜

[childhood-realities]

And now it's 0230am and I still cant sleep. The inner turmoil going through my mind at the moment.. it's like my brain has a thousand voices giving me a thousand different thoughts and feelings. ... It's taken me so long to break through 23yrs of verbal, mental and emotional abuse and the gaslighting shit storm directed at me on a daily basis. ThiS behaviour at the moment is screaming at me to run....while my heart is saying not yet...hills on ...🖤

[childhood-realities]

And there you were...home...happy and smiling...then boom!...silence and shut down Rolled over so far away on the other side of the bed that you may fall on the floor at any second. And i remind myself that I'm not in charge of your happiness.... I can not pull or drag out of you...my sad days seem to be more often now. I'm feeling like I have to think clearly before speaking...often so anxious that I feel like running. I don't know how much more of this roller coaster of personalities I can do. 🤐😓🖤

[childhood-realities]

And then the person that you is supposed to have your back...who you love the most... Who you thought was the part of your soul that you had always looked for... Another side appears...and you try to stay calm...you try to support...but the words are like lightening strikes that slay into you... Burning like an ice blue flame... it tears at your heart... Your emotions start to shut down... Your wall starts to rebuild and you no longer trust your own heart .. your own mind... I don't know if this wall can be torn down again... 🙄🖤

[childhood-realities]

And the last few days it feels like those cracks...those fractures within me have slowly started to fall apart again...I don't even know if there is even a reason for feeling so broken...my spirit is hanging on by a whisper of a thread... Like a spider with one barely visible thread hanging on...about to fall into Oblivion...maybe Oblivion would be bliss?... I have looked for my happy thoughts these last few days....I seem to have stashed them somewhere behind one of the locked doors of my mind... however I have once again lost the key.... 🖤

[purplebuddhaproject]

“Forgive the past. It is over. Learn from it and let go. People are constantly changing and growing. Do not cling to a limited, disconnected, negative image of a person in the past. See that person now.”

— Brian L. Weiss (via purplebuddhaquotes)

[childhood-realities]

💜

[childhood-realities]

Having one of those days when your heart is tearing and your soul feels like it is fragmenting into a thousand different shades of black....there does not seem to be anything that has set this off.... But that feeling of numbness and a mind that can't quite focus... You have a sense of guilt as it is a day off work...a day to spend having fun with your whānau...the sunnis shining and yet you are iced over from the inside out... How do you pull yourself out...this is the mystery... Maybe I just need to ride this black wave of pain and soon I will land on shore and able to participate again 🤐😢🖤

[childhood-realities]

And sometimes you need to tell the other voices in your head this....you have to be firm..don't always think so much and twist things in your mind .... Sometimes it's hard when you lived and breathed and were nearly destroyed after 20+ yrs living with a gaslighting, narsissitic human to realise that not every comment has an underlying meaning.... How do you know which to believe. Maybe it happens with time...maybe you get better...maybe you'll never know..💜

[childhood-realities]

Long walk with a big bloody Hill today...been at work all day and after the 1st emergency patient was on his way to hospital sat at the computer all day with damn paper work. Felt so good to get out in the sun and walk through the trees. The shift in my mental and emotional health seems to be shifting.

[childhood-realities]

Walking rural Stylez. Can't beat the freshsea breeze blowing off the harbour mixed in with the fear that the fence the bloody big bull is behind doesn't seem like it can contain that beast....then some sheep with the weird hair styles? Have lost 4kg in 5wks so feeling inspired on this journey!