TW: Child Sexual Abuse, Mentions of Suicide
I needed to write this out and have it live somewhere because I may use it later. There are spoilers for IT: Welcome to Derry included. It's also very, very long...
Thereโs something about Dick Hallorann that just gets meโฆ
From the beginning of Welcome to Derry, I questioned why or even how Dick Hallorann got involved with General Francis Shaw and Operation: Precept. So, I looked into it and found several interviews with Chris Chalk (DH Actor) discussing the character. Chris noted that Dick was serving as a cook in the military and his psychic abilities were eventually discovered by the U.S. military. Dick was subsequently coerced as they โlocked [him] awayโ until the military could figure out a way to use him.
Apparently in the Stephen King novel, The Shining, Dick is routinely abused physically, emotionally and sexually by his grandfather. Dick and his grandmother share the Shining ability which is shown in 'Welcome to Derry' as well. I remember watching the bathroom scene that Pennywise conjures in Dick's mind and thought the grandfather may have SA'd Dick long before I found source material confirmation. We immediately get a sense of how this trauma impacts Dick because he immediately reverts to being a child with no autonomy, no safety and there are more fears/traumatic memories in his mental box.
By the time we meet Dick in Welcome to Derry he is presented as a little aloof, sarcastic and distant in how he interacts with those around him. Dick has comrades that he enjoys but you don't get the sense that they know anything about Dick's powers or really Dick for that matter. When he says that he can't tell them about his, "super secret spy mission," his comrades laugh. It's giving that Dick is a jokester, tells stories in order to give his friends a good laugh. But he seems a little shocked here because he is being honest with them. Even when he returns to the Black Spot after leaving the tunnels (E6); Leroy & Shaw don't even know if Dick is alive yet.
When IT opened Dick's mental box, the amount of trauma Dick is experiencing from that point on is soul crushing. Dick realizes that he can see/hear dead people again which clearly shakes him. So, he goes somewhere (Black Spot) he can try and hide; seem normal. He shows up at the Black Spot looking worse for wear and after Dick says he's fine, his friends begrudgingly brush it off. Dick is not typically forthcoming with them. Dick is able to try and hide behind a drink and a couple of jokes until we learn about Hank's whereabouts. This thrust him back into the reality he doesnโt want to be in at the moment. Ronnie, Will and Charlotte show up which reunites Ronnie with Hank and Dick is seen contending with his feelings. Hank brings him more trouble and Dick needs to figure out what happened or rather, what are the consequences of what happened in the tunnels. You can visibly see that he is conflicted and trying not to care to the point where he figures removing himself from the situation would be best. Dick is good at hiding himself from the world, something he clearly learned from childhood for survival.
Yet, Leroy doesn't really let Dick hide. When Leroy visits Dick in his room, he ask Dick what happened in the tunnels and Dick quickly answers that he thinks the military, "...pissed IT off," (E6). But Leroy quickly clarifies and tells Dick that he's asking about Dick. It's clear that this unlocks something in Dick and shifts their relationship a bit. Dick tells Leroy more about his Shining and calmly answers Leroy's questions. It's like Dick had been waiting all this time to tell someone, to not be so alone anymore. Only for Leroy to later ruin it with his own frustration/goals and tells Dick he can either choose to complete his duty on operation: precept or be dragged out in handcuffs (imprisoned). Dick feels betrayed here, closes back up and fires back calling Leroy a bootlicker. Hell, he tells Leroy he doesn't give a fuck when Leroy tries to pull rank but Leroy misses the mark, this isn't about rank. Dick yells at Leroy but the second time Dick yells, "Get out," it's softer and his voice trembles because Dick is realizing that he is alone with the spirits, again.
But then something happens... Dick engages with the spirit of Roseโs ancestor, Sesqui, while attempting to escape the Black Spot Massacre. Dick who could have chosen to save himself, chooses to engage with Sesqui despite the consequences; which we understand, through Dick having told Leroy, that the spirits donโt bother him unless he talks to them. Thus, in this instance, he is choosing to speak with Sesqui for help which she provides in helping him find Ronnie, Will and Hank. Dick saves the children and probably a few others that night consequences be damned for him including coming face to face with Pennywise. So, it is no surprise that the next time we see Dick he is struggling with reality as the spirits of his dead comrades are demanding justice for their deaths. I imagine it felt like another instance of Dick using the shining and now being punished for it. Dick uses it and gets abused by his grandfather. Dick uses it and General Shaw locks him away only to strip his autonomy away. Dick uses it and now the dead are harassing him while awake or asleep.
Personally, I think Dick blames himself for the death of his friends and having Hank there did cause his fear to come true. And yet, he thinks he might be able to resolve this guilt by finding a pillar so the military can get rid of Pennywise. That's the story right? Finding the pillar will enable them to find and destroy Pennywise. Dick having faced Pennywise inside the burning Black Spot has to attribute some of this to Pennywise as well. It would also end his involvement in that entire operation or so he thinks...
Chris Chalk states that the opening of Dick's mental box changes Dick for life. Dick, who created the box and had it locked away since he was a child, now has to deal with the fullness of his gift in real time. The many voices, the many faces, the dead and the living constantly vying for his attention in some kind of way. It's all very overwhelming and disorienting. Jamie Travis, Director, noted that he wanted this experience for audience to feel "claustrophobic" and it certainly felt suffocating. Thus, by the time we see Dick contemplating suicide we understand how we've progressed to this point as we've watched his mental health essentially deteriorate from episode 1 to episode 7/8. The way the dead all try to talk, haunt or invade Dick's space is horrifying. Itโs all too much. His gifts have brought him so much anguish, abuse, guilt, and resentment. How could he continue living this way?
Until Leroy, Leroy who is never scared, Leroy who can't be scared is crying and begging Dick to help him save his son. A child who has been thrusted into something he never asked for at the hands of an oppressive, abusive and murderous power. And it all sounds very familiar but Dick knows he may be able to assist here even if he's struggling to help himself. It's another chance for Dick to use his gift in an act of kindness because Dick does care and quite frankly always have...
Dick who eventually saw Leroy as a peer and eventual friend. Dick who didn't want to burden his friends with his Shining because it was too much for even him to handle at times. Dick who asked Taniel several times to confess the whereabouts of the pillar so as to not have to invade his mind (via Shining) under Gen. Shaw's command. Dick who was scared about what Hank's presence would mean for the Black Spot but also concerned about Hank hence not kicking him out even after Charlotte (& co.) arrived. Dick who tries to provide some cover for Hank when the racist mob arrives. Dick who wanted to be seen but could not give himself enough grace to allow people to actually do so. And because Dick is braver than he ever gave himself credit for, he chooses to help with only a chance that he may be able to save Will and unbeknownst to him, the world.
When Dick and Leroy arrive at Rose's home and the team's plan to save Will is underway. We get to watch Dick participate in this plan from the outskirts and then directly. He is unsure about it all because what if it doesn't work? But he's still willing to try. So, Dick asks questions and they are heard, considered and answered unlike his time with Gen. Shaw. Rose's offer to help him with spirits/voices must have felt a little strange. Why are you wanting to help me? At no point does Dick ever show us that he thought any of this would have been a benefit to him. He had no expectation that he would also receive care in the process of him trying to save Will which gives Dick the little bit of hope that he needs to push through to the end of the episode. I think this is where Dick realizes that yes, he is here, but he is here if he chooses to be. And if these people can choose to willingly help me, well then I can stay and choose to help them.
Dick was made to feel "othered" from his adolescence to adulthood. He has glimpses of who he really is in conjunction with who he had to become in order to manage the way he has in the world. He has had to fight caring for those around him because caring causes pain, and gets him hurt. It was easier for him to hide away from who he was until it wasn't easy anymore. The moment arrived for him to choose who he wanted to be, what he wanted to do and he did that; he chose. Dick who no longer has to fight caring about the world around him and people he may now consider friends. Dick who gets to see himself as his own person and gets to now reclaim his autonomy, his miracle, his shining and become whomever he wants. There is just something so freeing in that thought, the idea that he can now choose who he wants to be, go where he wants go and do what he wants to do. He is more than his past, he was always worthwhile, and his abusers do not get to win. He will be able to use his gifts how he sees fit and Dick has shown us that he actually is a caring person, he does feel deeply and will likely find his way in life.
Summary: Elijah never expected kindness. So he had no idea what to do with it once it was presented in front of him.
Warnings: 18+ to be safe, death mention, murder mention, war flashbacks, guns, swearing, grief, hard topics?, PTSD
Part 1 (6 chapters) is on my masterlist! Part 2 Chapter 1 as well!
A day and a half beforeโฆ
Smoke stepped off the boat, Stack following behind him. He stopped a few paces off to the side of the commotion pouring off the boat, the Mississippi sun hit him in the eyes and he squinted.
Then the memory of gun shots and yelling sounded in his head and he froze.
โGet down!โ Amรฉdรฉ dived head first into the two of them, his shoulder colliding into the space between Smokeโs shoulder blades that made him winded, like it knocked the air out of his lungs and his face hit the mud.ย
Gun fire rained above the trenches. Yelling of orders, shouting, screams and crying filled his surroundings.ย
Smoke coughed, his chest burning from the gunpowder in the air and he blinked rapidly, wiping his face to check on Stack. It was Stack who decided to charge higher up the trenches to get a better vantage point.
Smoke disagreed.
Stack didnโt listen.
As usual.
Nearly cost them their lives if it wasnโt for Amรฉdรฉ. The older man gripped the back of their necks, bringing them close enough to his face so they could hear him amongst the gunfire.ย
โKeep yoโ fuckinโ heads down! You hear me!?โ He seethed, eyes wide and glaring at the two of them until they nodded. โAinโt no way we got a chance like this!โ He practically screamed at them, his voice ripping into Smokeโs eardrums.ย
He then pulled at them, guiding them through the trenches towards the back and finding the longer range guns, setting up their positions to shoot at an angle to their advantage.ย
Elijah slowly raised his hand to his chest, resting his fingertips just above his heart as he stared far into the distance, his fast heart beat in his ears.ย
"You gon' take it like a man!? How fucking weak are you!?"ย
The memory of his fatherโs threat was an imaginary punch to his gut, the knife wound he suffered had healed and was covered with more scars he received from the war. He gulped, his throat felt dry. He took an unsteady step forward when Elias started talking to him, but Elijah couldnโt hear him.
And the knife in Smoke's hand plunged into his father's neck above him.ย
Elijah couldnโt breathe.ย
It was like as soon as he stepped onto Mississippi soil, everything he had suppressed had resurfaced with a vengeance. Maybe he was weak after all.ย
His hands shook, his usual tremor, that began to appear more often after Amรฉdรฉ had saved them both that day. He turned to Elias who was chewing on a tooth pick, a brow raised and hands in the air.ย
โYou hear me?!โ He asked in annoyance, smacking Elijahโs shoulder with one hand.ย
โKeep yoโ fuckinโ heads down! You hear me!?โ
Amรฉdรฉโs voice rang again and Elijahโs world started to spin.ย
โIโI needโโ He stuttered, slapping a hand onto Eliasโs shoulder and moving him to the side as he stumbled past him.ย
When Elias protested, refusing to budge, Elijah gave more force, making his twin trip backwards and Elijah started jogging, which morphed into a sprint. He blinked rapidly, clearing the water in his eyes to see ahead and spotted the public toilets that he could enter and rushed in, finding an empty stall.ย
He closed the lid to the toilet and dropped down onto it, his breathing loud and heavy, shirt collar feeling tighter than it was before, hands digging into it to rip it open so he could breath and once the top button was undone, the tears poured down his face.ย
He must have cried for a solid ten minutes. The tears wouldnโt stop. His hands kept moving, first threaded in his hair, then covering his face, opting to gripping his knees as he tried to calm himself but he was feeling out of control.ย
Once his head started to hurt, his mind felt hollow for a minute.ย
As the troubling thoughts began to creep back in, his mind landed on another memory.ย
"It'll be hard son, your journey ahead. I can't see what you'll go through, just that it'll take even more of a toll on you, on top of what you had just escaped from before you headed to my home" She smoothed out creases on the cover of the mattress. "But you'll make it, if you don't let the shadows consume youโ
He cleared his throat, wiping his face as he recalled Annieโs Grandmamaโs words.ย
Which led him to recall another.ย
"So...just like we are capable of being the devil...we're capable of being good" She nodded to herself. "Just gotta...you know, nurture it. So much that it gets too big that the devil has no room to live within us"
The sound of Annieโs soothing voice was fading in his mind along with her Grandmamaโs, but he remembered the words. He breathed out a shaky breath that ended steadily, recalling one more from her.ย
โI know you donโt believe in it, even though you didnโt say it, butโฆthese mojo bags really do keep nasty beings away, all sorts of dangerโย
He quickly reached inside the opening of his collar, searching for the string hanging around his neck and pulled out the small mojo bag that dangled at the end, squeezing it within his palm. He could almost remember the touch of her gentle hands as she reached around the back of his neck to clasp the strings that held it.
After another couple of minutes, Elijah finally left the cubicle and exited the toilets, meeting face to face with Elias who eyed him up and down.ย
โYou gonโ tell me what that was?โ The concern in his brotherโs eyes prevented him from explaining. So he went with shaking his head, muttering for him to follow. Elijah didnโt know how to explain it himself.ย
They reached their home after hours of travelling, sky already dark with the stars sparkling.ย
When they arrived, they were on their feet, fresh pain in their soles settling in over old bruises.ย
On the way, Elijah reminded himself to forgo a look at the back yard, or anywhere near the area where he buried that man.ย
He also barely said anything to Elias other than the โneed to knowโ. Mainly one worded answers. Elias didnโt question him either for most of the night, fatigue hitting both of them.
Their home had two bedrooms and originally, one was for their parents, and the other was for him and his brother. Now that it was just the two of them, Elijah wordlessly took his things from his old room he shared with Elias, and chucked it into the other room, deciding that both of them could use the space apart.
They both shared a look.
โYouโฆjust gonโ...?โ His brother gestured with one hand towards their parentโs room, a brow raised. A beat of silence passed, making him give up and he sighed. โAight, fine, not like I need you sleepinโ with me anywaysโ He laughed a little, giving him a half way hug from the side, patting his chest with one hand and went to the bedroom, shutting the door.ย
Muffled muttering followed as Elijah continued to stand in the hallway. โMr I need spaceโ, โMr I ainโt no child no moโโ, โMr He dead and gone, why not?!โ, โOut back six feet deep whoโฆโย
He didnโt hear the rest, deciding to walk away and get some needed rest. He started to dwell on the fact that the same bed he was laying in was where his father slept, but heโd already seen so much death by this point that Elijah blankly stared up at the ceiling, blocking that thought โ that made way for other thoughts.
What was he supposed to do?ย
What were they supposed to do?
Go out train robbing again? Digging graves?
Scheming?ย
He was tired.ย
Elijah shut his eyes, turning from side to side in the bed, unable to let sleep cradle him.ย
His whole body felt constricted, restless even with the injuries and exhaustion visibly present on him.ย
Letting his mind wander, but not too far, he thought of the quiet nights in the camps with Elias and Amรฉdรฉ. The jokes, stories, laughter and teachings.ย
His hand blindedly felt around the floor for a small satchel, lifting the flap and rummaging around to feel for a slim envelope. He found it, took it out and inspected the condition. Mostly clean, a bit bent at the corners, but clean. He hadnโt sealed it yet.ย
His fingers ran over the name he inscribed on the front and then took out the letter within it. Dirty, speckles of blood and dirt on the paper.ย
He couldnโt deliver the letter like that. Maybe he could rewrite it on clean paper. Gotta get the damn paper. He kissed his teeth, thinking about where to get clean paper, and the idea of returning to normal life as he drifted to sleep.ย
Elias woke him up, leaning over the bed and holding him by the shoulders, yelling something.ย
It didnโt sound like anything coherent to him, the daylight through the window was blinding. โWhat youโฆ.what you hollerinโ about huh?โ His voice was rough.ย
โI said, iโm goinโ out to see Mary, you gonโ stay here sulkinโ or we meetinโ at Cornbreadโs later?โ He tapped Elijahโs face with both hands, moving it side to side and laughed at the antic. โBet he waitinโ to hear war storiesโ
โIโll see you at Cornbreadโs. Got some things I need to getโ Elijah mumbled, swatting Eliasโs hands away from his face.ย
Eliasโs attention diverted when his eyes landed on the envelope resting on the bedside table. โOh shit, this yoโ lilโ letter ainโt it?โ He reached for it but Elijah smacked his palm flat down on top of it before he could pick it up.ย
โYou ever heard of fuckinโ privacy?!โ Elijah retorted.
Elias recoiled a little from the smack, brows raised in surprise. โMan, fuck you, privacyโ He laughed again. He feigned a reach for the envelope again, making Elijah jump slightly, still guarding it and Elias cackled, one hand over his stomach and the other pointing at him. โHaaaaโgotchya!โย
He eventually sauntered out the room, checking his person for items he was confirming he had on him, guns included before he was out of sight and Elijah heard the front door close.ย
Around twenty or so minutes passed until Elijah managed to exit his bed, lift himself up onto his feet and trudge over to the tub to wash up. The water stung over wounds that werenโt finished healing yet, and he let the pain mask over the sea of thoughts in his mind, unable to deep dive inside to understand them more.ย
When he dressed himself in a white shirt and black slacks, simple, plain and easy to move around, he heard a car pull up to the front of his home and he immediately reached for his gun and ducked low to the ground. Not giving himself time to think, he moved through the house until he could peek out the window to spot who was walking by towards the back yard.ย
The โwhoโ in question, was the brother of the man laying in the ground six feet deep, with weeds and grass grown over it from time.ย
Uncle Jedโฆ
He was standing in front of where he was buried with hands on his hips and head hung low, looking down at the grave.
Elijahโs heart hammered in his chest as he stared at the back of him, his heart beat felt extremely slow but heavy, like each beat thumped with so much force in his chest that he felt like he would pass out.ย
He stood slowly from the crouched position he was at by the window, keeping his eyes on his uncle as he fitted the gun in his holster.ย
With a sharp inhale, he grabbed the handle of the door and opened it.
It creaked at the hinges, causing Jedidiahโs head to turn slightly towards it. He definitely heard it. A second later, and he turned to look over his shoulder and met Elijahโs gaze.
He stopped mid step, hand still on the handle. He could run back in, shut the door and never talk to him ever again. Heโd written him letters, neither mentioned the elephant in the room, and he wasnโt sure if he could face it now.
He wanted to disappear.ย
Uncle Jedโs expression was scary. Elijah wasnโt scared, but it was the only way he could explain it. Reminded him of when his uncle would tell him off for sneaking out of church.ย
But this wasnโt that. A telling off for minor bad behaviour.ย
This was irredeamable. No matter how evil that dead man was.ย
He gulped and stepped out the house, slowly raising a hand out towards him to say something. Anything. โIโโ
โCome hereโ Uncle Jedโs voice was quiet, but assertive. His hands remained at his hips.ย
Elijah tried to protest, hand on the back of his neck and glancing back towards the house like it would save him from this ordeal. โUncle Jed Iโโ
โCome. Here.โ He raised his voice slightly, more baritone in it paired with his hand gesturing him in a sharp motion to stand right by the patch of grass next to him that he was pointing to.ย
Elijah paused, breath caught in his chest and began walking towards him.ย
When he got close enough, perplexion soon followed when he saw his uncleโs eyes soften, crease between his brows smoothening out, and his eyes started to water. He was about to stop in his tracks but he was at arms length of him when he grabbed Elijah by the sides of his arms and roughly brought him into a tight hug.
The impact depleted the strength out of him, hands by his sides for a moment until he brought his arms around him, returning the hug.
His uncle didnโt give him time to process the action, holding him back by the shoulders, eyes scanning him from head to toe and even turning his body to check the back of him.ย
โYou start writinโ those letters outta nowhere, and then ainโt say nothinโ โbout cominโ home?!โ His voice cracked.ย
Uncle Jed had tears in his eyes.ย
โHow you learn to write like that?! I nearly fainted when I saw it was a letter from youโ He tugged at Elijahโs collar, checking for whatever, held his face and inspected him closely. โWhereโs Elias?!โย
โHeโฆHe went out, you know how he isโฆโ Elijah spoke slowly, still eyeing his uncle as if waiting for him to change, to yell, to shout, do something. He looked down at the grave then, and Uncle Jed followed.
Elijah didnโt speak, but his uncle looked at him and sighed. โInside son, come onโ He turned him towards the house and they walked inside together.ย
At the table in the kitchen area, the weighted silence made Elijah fidget with his hands. The lump in his throat remained, preventing him from speaking as his uncle stared him down. Uncle Jed sometimes had a hard time realising his stare was so intense.ย
Like he read his mind, Jedidiahโs eyes softened again, gaze shifting downwards and he sniffed. โI donโt blame youโ He almost whispered.ย
Elijahโs heart dropped, brows knitting together at his words. He hadnโt expected this.ย
His head shook slowly, eyes remaining at the table.โI should have done more, been over more, Iโโ
โUnc, Iโhe was yoโ brothโโ
Uncle Jedโs gaze snapped up to Elijahโs. โI know my brother. You and Elias lived with the devil.โ His expression was firm, eyes blazing with a rage, and something deeper, an emotion close to regret. โDonโt matter how he was, what he did was wrong, and I wish Iโโ He gulped, words catching in his throat like it tasted bad and Elijah saw his hand shake when he lifted it to rub his forehead. โI should have done something, heโd never listen, I told him time and timeโโย
Elijah gripped his thighs to steady his heart beat, the memories flooding his mind he was trying to keep up โ as well remind his uncle that this isnโt how its supposed to goโฆright? He killed him. He should be apologising even if he doesnโt regret it. โYou was there foโ us every time we ran over in the night, fed us when you could, helpedโโ
โI should have handled itโ His uncleโs voice raised over Elijahโs as he smacked his hand onto his chest firmly, right over his heart. โYou was too young, still too youngโฆandโฆto go to a damn warโฆโ His gaze shook as he stared at him.
Elijah shift uncomfortably in his seat.ย
He didnโt know what to say. All of this just happened to him. And he dealt with it. Always did.ย
But nowโฆ
He glanced out the window before looking at Elijah again. โSammie still too young to hear โbout this, not a word, and if he ask, say youโll tell when he olderโย
Elijah nodded.ย
The silence that hung again was lighter and more breathable.ย
โIf you want to talk about what happened, Iโm here, and if you donโt, Iโm still hereโ He eyed him.
โThe way you talkinโ sound like you already decided how heโฆthat Iโฆโ Elijah mumbled.ย
โI know you too Elijah. I suspected as soon as I heard he was missing.โ He held Elijahโs gaze, somehow seeing into a deeper part of his mind.
Elijah gulped, a heavy weight in his chest again.
Uncle Jed continued. โAnd I saw it in your eyes, the guilt. Confirmed what Iโd already thought. Cause youโd do anything to protect yoโ brotherโ
When Elijah sucked in a quick breath, his throat closing at being seen like this and trying to defend himself for why he did it, uncle Jed cut him off.
โYou saved yoโ brother, Elijah. You saved yoโself.โ One of Jedโs brows quirked when Elijahโs eyes widened slightly at his explanation. โIโm hopinโ you let go of that guilt now, too heavy ainโt it?โย
The tension in his shoulders began to ease.ย
The lump in his throat dissipated.ย
And the atmosphere had opened up enough around them that the two sat at the table for a little longer, catching up on lost time. By the end of the talk, a corner of Uncle Jedโs mouth started to tug into a whisper of a smile.ย
On the way out of the twinsโ home, Uncle Jed started talking about who he became friends with. He mentioned getting to know รtienne, and his facial expression gave off that he was annoyed at the fact, but his tone of voice gave him away, that he was grateful for the connection. He didnโt give away much, but the main point being that they had even had dinner together.
Elijah couldnโt imagine it, it sounded too good to be real.ย
โSo that Annie girlโฆโ He started and Elijah caught him staring with a bemused expression. As bemused as his uncleโs face could be โ glint in his eye and his frown lines shifting. At the mention of her name, his heart betrayed him and quickened in its rhythm. Damn. Elijah turned away with a sharp inhale, hands at his hips as he stared out down the road. โA kind, genuine girlโ Uncle Jed continued.ย
Generous. Radiant. Beautiful. While in France, Elijah started reading the dictionary after Amรฉdรฉ began helping them with their writing.
He discovered many different ways to describe Annie.
Uncle Jed was still staring at him. โNow you back, maybe you start considering marriageโย
โCome on Uncโmarriage?!โ He exclaimed, hands smacking down the sides of his thighs as he sighed.
โAinโt you late? You said Aunt Lillian told you to be back in time for lunchโ He tried to usher him towards his car but he wouldnโt budge.ย
โI have more to say, and you know Iโm rightโ He rested a reassuring grip on Elijahโs shoulder. โAll that military traininโ ainโt gonโ let you move me, I got God on my sideโ He said in a monotone voice, indicating that he was completely serious and not intending to make it sound as funny as it did. โNow tell me why you against itโย
Why?ย
Elijah groaned. He took slow steps towards the car and rested his back against it, mulling over his answer as his uncle walked towards him and joined him in a similar manner.ย
Cause he ainโt shit.ย
โCause I ainโt got shit to offer a wife. No job, no money, nothing. All I got is demonsโย
Jedidiah hummed.ย
It was silent again as Elijahโs mind started to fester in the dark thoughts, when Uncle Jed pulled him into another hug, this one impossibly tighter than the first that Elijah found it hard to breathe for a moment. He pulled him back, holding his shoulders again. โYou have much more to offer than just the scars on yoโ back son, always have. Remember thatโย
It took a few seconds for Elijah to register the words, and while he didnโt completely believe it about himself, he could see that his Uncle did.ย
He nodded once. โYes sirโย
โBesides, marriage can keep you sane tooโ Uncle Jed sniffed again and gave another pat to his shoulder before letting go.ย
He reached for the car door and sat on the driverโs side. โAlright, you refused to join us for dinner tonight, yoโ aunt gonโ be sad, but you have to stop by tomorrow, you hear?โย
Elijah nodded again.ย
โI better leave cause she gonโ whoop me if Iโm lateโย
Elijah gave a dry laugh. โI thought marriage keeps you sane?โย
He witnessed a smirk grow on his uncleโs face as he started the car. He held out his hand to him and Elijah shook it before he put both hands on the wheel.ย
โIt does.โ He concluded and started driving away. โI expect to see you and Elias at church this Sunday too!โย
Elijah was left walking to his destination. He still had to buy a car. As far as he heard from his uncle, his fatherโs car was nowhere to be found.ย
He could think about that when he had more money in his pocket.
Around a year ago, he barely remembered walking up to her house. He was in a delirious state at the time.ย
Now, he took in the scenery as he walked. The trees curved towards each other above the street with its green leaves, lavender trees scattered in between and increased in numbers as he got closer to her residence.ย
He didnโt remember the area smelling this good.ย
When Annieโs house came into view, his heart started panicking, a rapidly increasing heart rate made his nerves jump, his hands sweat and his mind race. His thoughts about her were complicated, but most of them were surrounded in fear. Never had he ever felt fear talking to someone his age, hell hardly anyone scared him. This fear made no sense to him.ย
Until he got closer to her house, and he realised that it wasnโt fear. It was a different kind of want. That he cared how she perceived him.
Would she want to even see him again?ย
He sucked his teeth, a small groan leaving him and he shook his head a little.
Apologise. Apologise for everything.
All of them were so kind.
Heโd apologise to them, then heโd leave for town to get paper to rewrite the letter currently tucked into his shirt pocket.ย
Before he could catch himself, his feet kicked the bottom of the steps that led to her front door, bringing his attention to the present. He stared longer than he should at the front door without moving, taking a deep breath and stepped up to it. With a few knocks, he stood way too far back from it, finding himself on the steps again and waited.ย
Heโs held men at gun point before but this made the hairs at the back of his neck stand up.ย
A solid minute passed by with no answer but his feet were beginning to root into the step, unable to decide if he should knock again or just run away from it all when he heard footsteps coming from the side.ย
Annieโs Grandmama appeared, carrying a trowel in one hand. She stared blankly at him.
โMaโamโ Elijah managed to say.ย
A few more seconds passed by with both of them blankly staring until she turned slowly, her steps heavy and waved her trowel in the air as she walked back behind the house. โCome on then, I got work for youโย
He decided quickly that questioning her wouldnโt help anybody so he followed after her.ย
Reaching the back she pointed to a wheelbarrow of soil and asked him to tip it over a shallow ditch she had dug up. He rolled up his shirt sleeves, careful to not get any dirt on himself and followed her strict instructions.
Once it was done, he placed the wheelbarrow to the side and when he turned back, he took in the sight. The older woman was growing all sorts of things at the back of their house. Various types of flowers and herbs were growing in rows all around the place.ย
A few looked familiar somehow but he wasnโt sure why.ย
โSo, how was it? The warโ She asked him while she drove her trowel into the newly laid soil.ย
Elijah cleared his throat, awkwardly stepping towards her as he tried to think of what to say. Blood everywhere, screaming, yelling, bruises, deathโ
She started to laugh quietly. He looked at her and found her watching him as he thought. โRelax child, just kiddinโโ She lifted a spare trowel to him and gestured for him to crouch down and join her. โI got no business askinโ, you just have that serious look on you since you showed upโย
She silently showed him how to sow seeds, and he followed diligently.ย
โDoing stuff like this takes your mind off of things, hard things.โ She handed him a few seeds that were dark grey with a white outline. โThinkinโ about the past all the time ainโt healthyโ
He examined the seeds in his palm, using his thumb to move them around.ย
โEven flowers look towards a new day, those are sunflower seedsโ She pointed to his palm.ย โNow plant โem we ainโt got all dayโย
The corner of his mouth lifted a little at her demand for him to hurry.ย
โYou lookinโ for my sweet Annie ainโt you?โ She had an eye on him as he choked on his spit at the mention.ย
โUhโโ He coughed into his elbow a couple of times, unable to recover at her seeing through him.
โShe out gettinโ a few things I needed, wonโt be back foโ a whileโ She muttered as she swatted his hand when he created a hole in the soil that he figured was too deep, waving her hand around for him to redo it. โYou could wait around if you like? Got plenty of work needinโ doneโ She smirked, still watching his hand like a hawk as he attempted to make better holes.ย
โMaโam Iโฆโ He slowly placed down the trowel, fighting the tightness in his chest preparing for his next words. โI came over toโฆapologiseโ He shifted in his crouched position to face her fully, watching her brows knit together tightly and her eyes narrowed. โTo all of yโallโฆfor everythingโฆsubjectinโ yโall to thatโ
Her gaze hardened and she stared at him, eyes flickering between both of his own.
In the next second, she shook her head and tutted. โYou ainโt God, childโ She dusted her hands off from the soil. โYou think you was in control of all that? You and yoโ brother suffered, and Iโm glad we were able to help you in yoโ time of needโย
Elijah could hear the blood pumping in his ears as he listened, trying to understand that it wasnโt his fault.ย
The older woman sighed and picked up her trowel again, fixing the holes he had made. โYoโ father, I heard โbout him decades ago, all the way back in Louisiana.โ She gave a heart-less laugh. โSolomon, a man like him having a name like that?โ She shook her head again, and pointed the end of the trowel to Elijah. โI donโt wanna hear no apology, you listened to me, and you survived. Now keep goinโโย
Elijah nodded slowly until she moved the trowel away.ย
โI said the same thing to that Pastor Jedidiah too, tried apologisinโ for you, prolly felt sorry for รtienne helpinโ him outโ She started to water over the seeds. โThatโs what we do, we look out for one anotherโย
รtienne helped uncle Jed? With what?ย
โExactlyโ A familiar voice sounded behind them.
Both of them looked over their shoulders to the voice and saw รtienne walking up towards them.ย
He hadnโt changed that much since a year ago. Still solid as a wall.
Elijah stood and held his hand out to shake รtienneโs hand and try to apologise. Despite Annieโs grandmama saying not to, รtienne should hear it either way.ย
But as soon as he got close enough to him, the older man smacked Elijahโs hand away and roughly brought him in for a hug.ย
The two of them didnโt say anything for the length of the hug, but he got a sense of what the older man maybe wanted to say.ย
โWhatโs Evelyn been tellinโ you?โ He laughed, a hand resting on his shoulder.ย
In a split second, the older woman was on her feet and glaring at her son. โWho said you could use my name?!โย
รtienne pulled Elijah along with him by a grip on his shirt as he backed away from her, Elijah following without a choice. โJust a joke Momma, I swearโ His laugh was light and easy, sounding like he didnโt believe the threat in her voice. โI gotta talk to the kid โbout somethinโ!โย
His mother dismissed them with an angry wave of her hand, slowly stepping back towards the freshly sown seeds in the soil. รtienne kept his hand on Elijahโs back as they walked towards the front of the house. He kept checking over his shoulder until they must have been out of ear shot when he started talking again.ย
โYou good? Like, really.โ His brows raised with the question. โCan only imagine what you and yoโ brother been throughโย
Elijah tugged a little at his shirt collar with one finger, looking to the side as he thought.
But รtienne didnโt wait for him to respond, as if he gauged that Elijah wouldnโt. โSโalright if you donโt want to say, but if you need anythinโ, you can ask, you know that right?โ He gave a small smile.ย
Elijah had no idea what to do with thatโฆkindness.ย
Or what to say.ย
รtienne stood there with an awkward expression, like his face was frozen but his eyes darted all around Elijah. As more seconds went by, he spoke again. โAight, somethinโ small โ you need a ride? I gotta head into townโ He pointed a thumb over his shoulder that he aimed towards his car.ย
A ride to town would be good.ย
On the way into town, รtienne was asking questions about Amรฉdรฉ. Elijah found it easier to speak about someone else, explaining how much the manโs brother helped him. During many points in recalling memories of Amรฉdรฉ, รtienne would full belly laugh so hard that heโd slow down the car to keep from driving off the side of the road.ย
They parked outside Forth Street Pharmacy & Barber. Subconsciously, his breathing grew shallow at seeing how crowded the street was. The memory of warm and cold bodies packed together in the trenches resurfaced in his mind.ย
โI gotta see Doc Teddy, where you headed?โ รtienne asked while he checked his belongings on his person, side glancing to him waiting for an answer.ย
โIโmโฆnot sure yetโ He answered back, still staring at the crowd in front. His body felt rigid and his mind started to slip deeper into memories.ย
รtienneโs hand that clapped onto his shoulder brought him back to the present, making his body jolt slightly, turning his head to meet the older manโs eyes.ย
โNo good wanderinโ round here for no reason, think โbout what you needโ His tone was as firm as the grip on his shoulder, the pressure causing Elijah to focus on one thing and think a little clearer, gazed downcast.
Paper.ย
Elijah inhaled deeply and started nodding. โMhmโ He hummed at remembering his initial plan. โAll goodโ
รtienne hesitated for a couple of seconds before letting him go, nodding as well and stepped out of the car along with Elijah.ย
He was about to turn away fully from him after he saluted him goodbye as a joke but turned back to face him. โRemember what I said, if you lookinโ for a job, that construction company gonโ take off soon round here, I can help introduce youโ He pointed a finger at him with a stern gaze and then dropped his arm, turned away and weaved past the busy crowd into the store.ย
Job. Money. Paper. Need paper. Clean, smooth paper.ย
He cleared his throat, shaking his head a bit to focus and searched for the community book store. He remembered the place had spare paper laying around all the time, sometimes handing it out for free. He did get paid for being in the war, could afford the paper, but it wasnโt going to last long without a way to continue to make money.ย
Finding the store and avoiding eye contact with everyone, he stepped inside and it was extremely quiet with only the gentle sounds of pencils, footsteps and hushed voices from time to time.ย
The woman who ran the store was older than him, probably around uncle Jedโs age. He never talked to her much as he hardly stepped inside it, and when he did he never stayed in the store long enough to talk to anyone.ย
โโScuse me maโam, yโall got any blank paper?โ He asked, hands together in front of him with one covering the other.
She was already mumbling to herself, adjusting her glasses and waving a hand in the air, mentioning something about checking and her back hurting. She ambled away into the room behind the desk and told him to wait while she looked.ย
The books stacked up on the cases piqued his interest and it was taking a while for the woman to return, so he stepped away and browsed them to keep himself occupied, and not be left alone with his thoughts.ย
The first case he stood in front of had books about history โ he wasnโt desperate or bored enough to read that yet. He walked further in and turned the corner of the case, hand on the edge while he was deciding whether to skip the next aisle or not. He decided not to, and stood in front of the next case, eyeing the names of the books that were related to weaponry.ย
He recognised the topic of one book about specific heavy firearms and lifted his hand to take it out but it started trembling uncontrollably. He held it with his other hand, cursing under his breath at it not subsiding.ย
โDamn shakesโ He muttered, squeezing his hand hard enough to stop it when he heard a soft, rich, familiar voice call his name with an exhale.ย
โElijah?โย
Like it was a question.
Like in disbelief.ย
He stopped breathing and turned his head towards the voice.ย
Round, brown, doe like widened eyes stared back at him.ย
She gulped, her eyes fluttering as her gaze darted all over him and back up to his eyes, stepping a little closer into the aisle and closer to him. In a very short span of time he took in her appearance; short sleeved white shirt with small holes in them forming some sort of pattern, the plain white highlighting her skin tone glowing from daylight rays through the window. She always seemed to be glowing. Ankle length navy blue skirt that hugged the curve of her hips. His collar felt tight again but for a different reason.ย
โAnnie?!โ He breathed, it sounding like how she had called him.ย
She was nearing him by the time he looked up to her eyes and he immediately coughed, turning away from her with his eyes wide and thinking what the fuck is he supposed to do?!
To say?!
Why the fuck was he acting like this?!
What kind of dumbass was he?!
She peered at him from his side trying to catch his gaze, brows high and slightly scrunched together. โI-I heard that you were headinโ home, when did you arrivโ hey!โ She raised her voice just enough for her whisper to sound hoarse when he turned the opposite away again to avoid her.ย
He was losing it by the second.ย
She faked her next step leading to him falling for her supposed planned direction of movement and caught him, both staring at each other face to face.ย
โStop playinโ!โ She held a hand up to him, gaze shifting back and forth between his eyes until she seemed to determine he wouldnโt move again. He couldnโt.ย
She remained silent for a beat, checking him all over and gave a sigh that sounded like relief.ย
โYouโฆyou back in one pieceโ She gave a small smile.ย
Suddenly someone cleared their throat behind Annie, both of them looking towards it and the book store lady was standing there with a bundle of spare blank paper in her hands.ย
โThis enough?โ She held it up to show Elijah, and Annie turned back towards him, appearing as if she was silently asking him a question about said paper.ย
He wasnโt ready to explain that yet.ย
Especially not to her.ย
it is 2ammmm i am back to my old ways for the night of late postingggg this isn't good loool my migraines have me in a headlock if i dont sleep properly. Anyways i only beta read this myself once cause while i was writing it i kept re-reading other parts, so i did a once over and trying to not overthink it looool hope you have a great dayyyy/night!!! thank you for reading, and leaving comments, and just interacting with my writing, i appreciate it a lot and love hearing what you think. cause i write to giggle about ideas and fanfiction and all that, ive been thru many highs and lows, im sorta in a low rn its not coming to me as easily even though i think about my ideas for ages...sometimes i want to just post on ao3 cause then i feel like, not as shy posting it on there to the void ๐คฃ i might go back to that...and stop posting my fics on tumblr, just ao3...
Alsoooo i saw in the film a store that was a pharmacy and a barber so i included that name (thats the screenshot at the top of the fic, from the film) in this cause I wanted Etienne to go see the doctor, and i was rewatching some of the scenes again and the subtitles says 'Doc Teddy' for when Smoke comes back into the store and asks Bo if the doctor is still alive/around, i couldn't tell if he said 'Doctor Teddy' or 'Doc Teddy' or 'Doc (some other name)' so i went with the subtitles...๐
Tag List (comment on my masterlist to be added! also no pressure if you'd like to be removed!): @myheartsaysyes @theegyal @brownskincheyenne @lizbehave @margepimpson @championshipshade @lb-xci @hdfen2474 @cocochannelmoi @underated345-blog @anniensmoke3 @shereeluvssinners @thebumblebeesworld @blue4everrsworld @xeebop @6783tt @ncc-0419 @transparentphantomface (i added a few who commented on the first chapter of part 2)
Summary: After Annie and Elijah met in an unconventional way, a year passes by while the war goes on with the community's loved ones now drafted into it. But letters inspire hope, that lead to hope manifesting into reality.
Warnings: i actually can't remember....let's just say 18+ too... war mention, racisim mention-implied, guns mention, murder mention-implied (cause of part 1), mostly not beta read (thank you @myheartsaysyes for the beta read when it was all jumbled and only like 1k written ๐คฃ๐๐ญ), death mention, illness mention, near death mention
Link to chapters from Part 1 is on my pinned masterlist! (the look of those chapters have an ugly appearance, v sorry ๐)
Shout out to @brownskincheyenne for asking about part 2!! ๐๐๐
Annie never wanted to depend on anyone.ย
She never wanted to need someone.ย
From a young age, she wanted to stand on her own two feet. Wanted to learn as quickly as possible, keep learning, in order to do things by herself.ย
That way, she could do what she wanted. What she felt was right.ย
And as time passed, slowly but surely she managed to do that. Stand side by side with her Grandmama learning Hoodoo. Picking up skills from her uncles that would keep her safe when she was alone. Always learning.ย
There were many things she still couldn't do, but she was working on it. To learn those too, so that she wouldn't be stuck anymore, helpless. Like when her parents were withering away with an illness, she had no idea how to help them. Heavily relying on her Grandmama to save them.ย
Maybe if she had been able to carry the burden with her, they could have prevented it.ย
That thought always remained in the back of her mind, despite logically understanding that people will die.ย
That she was too young, although old enough to have those feelings remain with her all this time, ten years later, at nineteen years old.
Everyone will dieโ but just, something, anything, that could help her delay the process, ease the pain โ then she would keep trying to stand on her own.
And that thought had made it worse for a long time, when those around her pursued love.ย
She saw others give themselves into love, the pursuit and the longing. To her, they did so without a care in the world. Logically, she knew they were worried, scared, embarrassed even, at running towards love. But she couldn't fathom doing so herself.ย
Finding any excuse, if someone had an interest in her, she would turn them down. Keep herself away. As she became older, she eased a little, entertaining it at parties, gatherings, while shopping. But if the men asked to meet again, she declined.ย
To fathom in the idea of wanting the other person, that was what made her scared. Letting them in, when she was so focused on standing on her own two feet.ย
Yet..
Here she was, standing in the kitchen area of the customerโs house, thinking about the want for love.ย
Annie settled down the heavy jars on the countertop, each containing remedies she had prepared for the long term customer of her grandmamaโs.ย
A large family, three generations living together which was similar to her own, but larger in numbers. The grandparents were just a little older than her Grandmama. Their kids were around the same age as her parents would have been, and their kids were around Annieโs, a few of them were younger.ย
The really young ones bustled at her feet, using her as a barrier as they played with each other, one of them trying to catch the other.ย
Annie looked out the window and saw a boy, most likely a year or two younger than herself, was waiting patiently outside the house. Though his hands that he held together behind him said otherwise, his fingers twitched nervously.ย
She watched one of the older kids, a granddaughter that must be the same age as the boy, walk out and greet him. The girl placed a quick kiss to his cheek, causing all the air in his chest to almost leave him.ย
And Annie thought of him.ย
At war, suffering whatever horrors overseas that they didnโt already have back home.ย
And deep down, Annie wished she could do to Elijah, the same as the granddaughter did to the young boy.ย
She shook her head quickly, snapping out of the trance she slipped into โย imagining the two in front of her were replaced with herself and Elijah. She busied herself with unpacking one jar, preparing small sachets for easy dispensing for the grandparents.
She barely knew Elijah.ย
Yet, those two days had felt like months packed into one. From time to time since then, she had found herself replaying their conversations in her head.
Understanding the pieces of him that he revealed with his words, despite how reluctant he looked to talk. Thinking back on it, she felt strength and sincerity from how he held himself. Annie wanted to be like that, strong, and sincere in her actions.ย
His eyes were different every time she looked into them, within such a short span of time that they were in the same vicinity in her Grandmamaโs house.
She found out shortly after Elijah had left for war as to why his eyes held storms. The sheriff was sniffing around the county, looking for the twinsโ father. Not due to him being missing, the sheriff was searching for him in relation to a crime he had supposedly committed. That led to everyone discovering he was actually missing.ย
As word passed around, it eventually got to Pastor Jedidiah Moore. Who showed up at her Grandmamaโs door in the morning a day later. Seeing the stern, serious and torn lines on a tall man, who as a pastorโsupposedly meant to have a welcoming presence, was an odd juxtaposition in her eyes. His gaze had flickered around the inside of the house from where he stood on the porch, not speaking as he registered it all, likely the hoodoo related items, and then he had asked a question.ย
โDid my brother stop by here at all?โ He said quietly, eyes tired, hands in balled fists. His stare looked as if he could burn a hole right through her uncle รtienneโs forehead.ย
Her uncle stared right back, hands in his pantsโ pockets and shoulders squared. โNopeโย
Jedidiah looked to his own feet, inhaling deeply and squeezed his hands. The whole atmosphere was pulled thin. Annie held her breath.ย
โDid my nephews stop by?โย
Uncle รtienne tilted his head to the side a smidge. โAnd if they did?โย
The pastor closed his eyes, hands wound tight, silence hanging for a beat and then he continued.ย
โWere they injured?โย
Her uncleโs posture shifted, his shoulders loosening a little. He didnโt respond though.ย
โIf they were injuredโฆโ Jedidiah looked up again, his stare had weakened. โI donโt want the sheriff to know thatโ
โPastor, are you askinโ us to lie?โ Grandmama spoke suddenly. She stood by the countertop, mixing herbs with her mortar and pestle. She eyed him, one brow raised.ย
He wrung his hands together, gaze moving from her uncle to Grandmama. โI am askinโ, for you all to withhold information fromโฆa devilโ
โWe understandโ รtienne nodded, clapping a hand onto Jedidiahโs shoulder that made the pastor slightly jerk at the contact. โThatโs all you had to say, why you speak in riddles?โ รtienne laughed, shaking his shoulder in his grip but the pastorโs serious expression morphed into a bewildered one.ย
โWhen I say we understand, I mean it.โ Uncle รtienne gave him a different kind of stare, one that made the pastor reach a silent conclusion as to what her uncle was trying to allude to. Jedidiah nodded once and placed a hand on รtienneโs shoulder. A more gentle grip, but the gesture shocked them all.ย
โThank youโ
After that day, her uncle started to check in with the pastor, started calling himself โGodโs friend of a friendโ โ that neither herself nor her Grandmama laughed at. He was helping him out while the Sheriff poked around, diverting attention elsewhere when the Pastor was unavailable. Her uncle had his suspicions that the Pastor knew where his brother was buried, but he didnโt pry.ย
Eventually, when the Sheriff had given up as the months went on, รtienne invited the pastor and his family over for dinner.ย
Which was an awkward, but heart-warming night.ย
Her uncle made jokes to the Pastor, who tried his best to not react, while his wife, Lillian, was laughing away with Grandmama, Auntie Lisette and Auntie Lisetteโs Momma. The atmosphere was very lively due to the children refusing to go to sleep on time.ย
Annie got to bond with one of them, little Sammie, who secretly told her about the songs he would hear in town, his eyes sparkling at his aspirations for music. A bright and wanderlust child.ย
He had also mentioned the ones he heard his own Uncle talk aboutโฆ
Annie and Jedidiah shared a glance when Sammie had mentioned him, and Annie brought up another song she heard passing by one of the juke joints to keep Sammie occupied away from that topic.
The pastor silently thanked her for that.ย
The night had ended with a prayer for the safety of their loved ones in the war. And, the two families became a little closer.ย ย
As Annie finished creating the sachets while thinking back, she realised it was coming up to a year that Elijah had been away, along with the rest who were drafted, including her uncle Amรฉdรฉ.ย
All three of them were feeling it, the absence of Amรฉdรฉโs presence was loud in the quiet. Though รtienne made jokes about what his brother was probably doing in the war, Annie could hear the pain in his voice, the remorse for not being able to fight alongside him.ย
โHope heโs keeping them twins by his side, he needs them as much as they need himโ
His words were one of the wishes her uncle actually voiced during this past year. Up until this point, none of them had heard if Amรฉdรฉ managed to meet up with the twins.ย
As if her thoughts were spoken aloud and he heard her, her uncle appeared behind her at that moment. โWe good?โ He leaned down to check one of the jars. โThat old woman is tryna set me up with one of her friendโs daughtersโ He sucked his teeth. โSoon as we done, I say we leaveโ He wiggled his brows to her, patting the top of the jar.ย
Annie shook her head with a quiet laugh, packing her things into her bag and slipped it onto her shoulder.ย
He stole a glance behind him and looked back at her with his brows raised. โLike, nowโ He turned around and gave a smile to the grandparents who were sitting on the couch together, knitting needles in their hands.ย
The grandmother cackled, holding up a photo of one of said daughters. โSon, you ainโt my age yet, your mama said you should give marriage another chanceโย
Annie pushed at รtienneโs back, guiding him towards the door. Once he stood by it, she doubled back and said goodbye to the couple, reminding them the dosage of the remedies she provided. The grandmother tried to get her uncleโs attention but Annie blocked the view, giving her a hug and waved them goodbye.ย
Outside, he started his car and Annie sat in the passenger side.ย
โI think my chest is on fire thinkinโ about marriage againโ He rubbed a hand in the middle of his chest, checking his surroundings as he reversed the car with one hand on the wheel.ย
Annieโs eyes caught the young couple again, sharing hushed whispers by the lake that ran down past their home, and she felt an ache over where her heart would be.
โYou shouldโve given it a thought, ainโt you lonely?โ She questioned him, eyes still on the young couple.ย
The car pulled onto the road and she turned her gaze towards him when she heard no reply, meeting his own looking at her with a brow raised.ย
โSounds like you the one whoโs lonelyโ A small smirk grew across his face, remaining there as he focused on the road.ย
Annie scoffed, folding her arms. โYou just sound so bitter about it, figured youโd want to try againโ. She wasnโt sure what exactly she was feeling.ย
He laughed quietly, taking a minute or so in silence before he responded. โOnce is enough, marriage, divorce, Iโm fine.โ
The car stopped by a lowered barrier at a train track, and he looked at her again, head tilted down, eyeing her. โYou, should try it, you too young to be actinโ like me, lone soldier and allโย
She gulped, trying to hide her reaction to her uncleโs discernment about her, but she failed. Her gaze shifted down to her feet, hands fidgeting in her lap.ย
โMama wanna see you get married, I do too, few years down the lineโ He smiled wide when she snapped her head towards him, mouth open in shock.ย
โI ainโt marryinโ him!โ She yelled back.ย
She barely knew him!ย
รtienne clicked his teeth, shaking his head but his grin remained. His teeth showing in his smile made him look a little like Amรฉdรฉ. โI ainโt say whoโ He winked.ย
She groaned in frustration, covering her face with her hands.ย
โIt's an hour or two till we get back, I can keep goinโโ He laughed loudly.After a beat, he said in a quieter tone, remnants of laughter mixed in with worry.ย โLord let them three come back safelyโ
They arrived back to Clarksdale, the car driving down roads ingrained into their memory towards their home.ย
Annie stepped out of the car, gathering her belongings into her trusty cloth bag when she caught Grandmama standing at the front door, a small bundle of papers in one hand, her brow at a sharp angle and a smirk on her lips.ย
Annieโs heart beat stuttered at the indication, looking to her uncle who slowly shut the car door as he stared at Grandmama too.ย
โTold yโall there must have been a delay, that boy never stops talkinโโ Grandmama shook her head with a laugh as Annie raced towards the porch steps, leaping over most of them and grabbed the letters.ย
There was a delay in uncle Amรฉdรฉโs letters, his last letter around two months ago stated how he was moving around units, getting sent left, right and centre. Uncle รtienne said it was most likely due to him trying to โexcel in everythingโ and they wanted to use him wherever they could.ย
But Annie continued sending them, hoping that he would eventually get them and reply again.ย
She shuffled through the bundle while moving into the living room, checking the dates and opening the oldest one. The routine they had gotten into was for her to read them aloud to her uncle and Grandmama, and she only read the ones her uncle had addressed to Annie personally.ย
โ01.13.1918
Dear lilโ Dรฉsirรฉรฉ,
Iโm fine, Iโm whoopinโ everyoneโs asses like I said I would. None these chirren know how to holโ up their bare hands, neverminโ a gun.ย
They got me teachinโ โem combat skills and some sense after all the bullshit we been facinโ.
I got yoโ extra mojo bag, I swear yoโ grandmama cursed it cause why soon as I put it on, I got moved units? The one I was in before was quiet, and now Iโm runninโ erry day.ย
Tell my momma she better stop plottinโ against me, I donโt need more lessons.ย
Also tell Lisette to stop cryinโ, I be back soon. I can see her dried tears on the letters she sends me and I start cryinโ and then I canโt write.ย
- Amรฉdรฉ (the one and only)โ
Grandmama was laughing loud in the kitchen area.ย
โ02.08.1918
Dear lil miss problem child,
I finally heard of โem. Was a few days ago that I heard passinโ soldiers say โtwins out the Deltaโ. So โcourse I went searchinโ and questioninโ.ย
Iโll keep an eye out, Iโm lookinโ for โem too so I can teach that one half of the duo, a lesson. No other reason, donโt get it twisted now.ย
Make sure you keep eatinโ well, donโt worry too hard.ย
Make sure my brother takinโ those remedies Momma makes for his aches. Sometime he think he donโt need it, but he do.ย
Tell Momma I still have her cursed mojo bag on. I know sheโs prolly laughinโ if you readinโ this out loud.ย
Love yโall.
- Amรฉdรฉ (the original edition)โ
Annieโs eyes were watering while reading the letter aloud.ย
โ03.05.1918
You were askinโ, and askinโ...and askinโ....even though you tried hidinโ it. I know why. Yoโ uncle always knows.ย
And I found emโ. In the same unit as โem foโ a month now.ย
They alive and well. That Elias nearly got himself killed, and Elijah along with him for tryinโ to save him.ย
Donโt worry, yoโ uncle saved their sorry assess.ย
Taught idiot 2 how to wield blades, idiot 1 picked up the know-how quicker than idiot 2, but idiot 2 got it down.ย
Idiot 1 took easy to the heavy weapons.ย
I ainโt tell him that you were askinโ for him. But he was askinโ about you.ย
What you like, dislike, yoโ dreams. Course he ainโt say all that exactly, tried beinโ sly about it but he barely speaks as it is so, itโs easy to see why he was suddenly talkinโ a lot.ย
If you wonderinโ why, it be the same reason if you admit yoself why you keep askinโ me about him. Pretend Iโm lookinโ at you right now with one of those looks I give you, like that time I caught you talkinโ to that boy back home.ย
Anyways, I told him he need to ask you hiself if he wanna know you, then he acted like I was speakinโ nonsense. Then I just started sayinโ some things โbout you. Just some, he gonโ have to work for it.ย
That boy been through hell already, but he a good one. Even his brother, with his scheming and shit.
ย
I ainโt got privacy for writinโ, both of โem lookinโ over my shoulders erry chance they get, guess I gotta teach โem that too.ย
Good practice foโ when my baby boy older. I canโt wait to see him.ย
- Amรฉdรฉ (future best papa in all the Delta)โ
Annie peeked over the bundle of letters in her hands, checking if her Grandmama was looking over at her.
She was, eyes sharp.ย
โYou ainโt say you was askinโ โbout โem now did you?โ She smirked, stirring the pot over the heat without looking at it. โSon, you hearinโ this?โ She nodded her head towards her uncle.ย
โShe tryna hide it Momma, she think she slickโ รtienne tsked with a chuckle.
Annie hide behind the letters, begging them to stop, using any excuse in her mind to pretend what they were saying were lies โHe wrote more! Stop it!โ Her cheeks were burning.ย
โMade โem mojo bags, did you sprinkle some love in Elijahโs?โ He teased further. โYou already saw yoโ future with him?!โ He was cackling now, slapping his knee.ย
Annie stood upright quickly, gripping the letters as she glanced at the last one. โStop! This oneโs from a week ago!โ She waved a hand in the air for quiet as she read it out.
โ04.27.1918,
Dear autumn child,
You know you was born on the heaviest rainfall day that year? I โmember that day clearly, my clothes soaked through, carryinโ the shit Dรฉsรญrรฉรฉ asked me to get, Marcel cryinโ to รtienne โbout how he lackinโ in things to be a good papa, idiot was worryinโ foโ nothinโ.ย
The rain washed out all the evil that day, made way foโ you. It raininโ here in France like that day. Maybe it be washinโ sins over here too.ย
You better be teachinโ what you can to my baby boy. I know he only 2 months but that ainโt no excuse. By time I get back I expect you to have him helpinโ you run the place.ย
The Delta twins left France three days ago. Heard word of sendinโ soldiers home, they werenโt told though, white man ainโt say shit, just shipped โem off away from here.ย
But I did some digginโ, and my bet is they sendinโ โem home.ย
Maybe you can finally confess yo lilโ crush on the quiet one. Now imagine Iโm lookinโ at you with a wide grin and winkinโ.ย
Hate to admit, but I miss those boys.ย
Maybe Iโll be home soon. Love yโall.ย
- Amรจdรฉ (forever great)โ
A tear fell to the floorboards by her feet, another onto the letters as she inhaled a shaky breath.ย
He ainโt cominโ home. The thoughts swirled in her mind, sniffing at the memory Amรฉdรฉ had described. He was always joking, making quips and remarks about everything. But when he was feeling sentimental, he went straight for the heart.ย
รtienne stood and moved to stand beside her, glancing down at the letters and using a finger to trace over the sentences, muttering to himself. โCountinโ the days, sounds like the boysโll be back home very soon, like any day nowโย
Annie wiped her eyes with the heel of her palm, still sniffing.ย
Her uncle rubbed a hand up and down her back, soothing her. โBaby yoโ uncle gonโ be alright, by the sound of it he runninโ things, prolly annoyinโ errybodyโ He laughed lightly, pulling her in for a hug. Her unclesโ hugs always felt like her motherโs.ย
Annie woke the next morning with a clearer mind. She felt heavy hearted from reading Amรฉdรฉโs letters, but it set something right within her. Reading how even her uncle Amรฉdรฉ, who acted as if he could tackle the world on his own, was missing people and talking about his feelings, made Annie accept her own.ย
That it was ok to still rely on others.ย
She missed her uncle.ย
And despite her trying to ignore it, to brush it off completely, it was true, that she was interested in Elijah. Wanted to know him more. God dammit it was a crush.ย
She sighed deeply, following her usual routine of dressing and making herself presentable for the day. She went simple and smart with her outfit, a white Broderie Anglaise pattered short sleeved blouse and plain navy blue skirt that reached her ankles.ย
After stopping by one of her neighbours to check in for their wellbeing, she headed into the town later in the day. She picked up ingredients that her Grandmama needed from Mr Chowโs shop, gossiping with Grace about the news of people getting sent home from the war.ย
She held back the words to mention the twins, hoping Grace would say something, but she hadnโt. Her mind was understandably on Bo who was drafted into the war too.ย
With a few hours of time on Annieโs side before she had to return home, she decided to treat herself to a browsing of the community book shop. Many of the books were old, a lot on the shelves were in bad condition from being traded or passed along to each other. It was hard to even obtain them, but the community banded together to preserve what they could find, especially the ones that came from authors who looked like them.ย
Her hand grazed one that related to Botany work when she caught movement from the corner of her eye, behind the bookcase she was looking at. She glanced towards it for only a second and paused, seeing the glimpse of a broad back clad in a light blue shirt, until it was out of her sight, moving behind the cover of more books in front of her.
Is thatโ
She left the botany book, moving her head to look through the gaps of the bookcase. She brushed off the desperate thought in her mind nagging at her.ย
But she continued to give in, seeing another glimpse of a scarred hand gripping the edge of the next bookcase until it slipped around to the one after that.ย
She held her breath, stepping around the ends of the bookcases and reaching the one she discerned the person must have walked past.ย
As soon as she peeked down the aisle, she saw him.
He stood facing the bookcase, the one across from the one she was leaning into at the end. Light blue short sleeved shirt and black slacks. Smart. She could only see the side of him, but he was clear, sunlight from the window cast over his form, highlighting his skin, the roughness of his hand that gently touched the spins of the books, the crease in his brows as his eyes scanned the names.ย
Somehow, he appeared all too familiar, like it was just yesterday he was in her Grandmamaโs house, half way to heaven.ย
โDamn shakesโ He muttered under his breath, his other hand steadying the shakiness of the one he had on the books.ย
When Annie finally breathed out the breath she held, she said it with his name.
Author's Note: heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyy all this story is in my head and in notes and i just, this and over 3k of chapter 2 (still writing) is all i got rn. hope you enjoyed!! this chapter and the next felt so exciting to me loookl but now i gotta make the rest land. idk when it will be available but, yer gonnae get what i got looool. the replies/reblogs on chapter 6 made me laugh soooo much omg i get you i really do.
I tried my best with the daters of the letters etc all the math is too much for me
Tag List (comment on my masterlist to be added!): @myheartsaysyes @theegyal @brownskincheyenne @lizbehave @margepimpson @championshipshade @lb-xci @hdfen2474 @cocochannelmoi @underated345-blog @anniensmoke3 @shereeluvssinners @thebumblebeesworld @transparentphantomface
Tag List (from chapter 6, idk if its still accurate, feel free to say if you want to be removed, no pressure!):
What is the difference between appreciation and appropriation when it comes to hairstyles?
Appreciation varies from person to person. For example, I don't think nonblack and white people should wear locs. Wear your "Viking mats" if you want, but don't call them dreadlocks/locs. Because they aren't. I don't think you should wear cornrows or braids either, least not the way we do them, because your hair is going to break from the damage from how tight these styles need to be, and you don't look very good in them either ๐ HOWEVER! Some people may feel like if you wear these styles and you're respectful about them, then it's appreciation and it's okay. I'm probably not gonna say anything outside of "well, I think there are other ways to show support, but okay".
Appropriation is when you wear these styles that Black people are vilified and demeaned for, but somehow it's socially "acceptable" on you. Kim Kardashian's cornrows being "chic", but it's seen as ghetto on us. Travis Kelce getting a fade and media acting like they'd never seen this style before, calling it the "Kelce", meanwhile half of the Black men in Sportsโข have had a damn fade at one point. It's one of the most basic haircuts you can get. White people getting "dreadlocks" and acting like it's tying them to mother nature and weed and shit, meanwhile Black kids can be expelled and Black adults fired from or prevented from having jobs because of our (clean!!!) locs.
It's not just you copying it, it's me being neglected or even punished for doing it. Appropriation is harmful, period. It's not just wearing a style, it's making sure that the "difference" culturally is being cemented in. It's not just "oh, white gal of the day is cute in micros", it's simultaneously reinforcing "while Black girl is ratchet in them". Particularly when white gal does absolutely nothing to acknowledge this difference, to show that respect, and benefits (usually monetarily or socially) from utilizing this style that at any point she can throw away as "a phase" when she's ready to be White again.
One of my favorite things to think about when star gazing is that a portion of those distant stars are part of their own planetary systems. Some could possibly have life. So, as I gaze up and look out at them there could be another life form gazing up at its own sky looking at our star from afar.
