CHRONIC E.D.

I DRINK AN ENERGY DRINK

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HELLO. I AM GOING TO DRINK ENERGY DRINKS AND TALK ABOUT HOW I THINK THEY TASTE

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C4 GRAPE POPSICLE

GRAPE POPSICLE IS THE POPSICLE FLAVOUR THAT EVERYONE LEAVES IN THE BOX AFTER EATING LITERALLY EVERY OTHER POPSICLE. GLAD WE COULD FINALLY GET IT IN ENERGY DRINK FORM. I HAVE BEEN TOLD THAT THE AMERICAN VERSION OF THIS PRETTY MUCH JUST TASTES LIKE GRAPE SODA, UNSURPRISINGLY, SO THIS ONE WILL PROBABLY TASTE MUCH THE SAME IT SMELLS LIKE GRAPE JUICE WITH JUST A HINT OF FERMENTATION. IT'S KIND OF WEIRD AND I DON'T KNOW WHY IT SMELLS LIKE THAT WHADDAFUCK? IT TASTES LIKE GRAPE, SURE, BUT THERE'S ALSO SULFUROUS BURP AND SOME SORT OF VERY SHARP TASTE THAT MADE MY FACE SCRUNCH UP WHEN I TOOK A SIP. IS THAT JUST THE HORRIBLE CHEMICAL REACTION OF C4 AND RESIDUAL TOOTHPASTE IN MY MOUTH TO CREATE THE WORST FLAVOUR COMBINATION OF ALL TIME? POSSIBLY GIVEN THE POSSIBLE INTERFERENCE OF TOOTHPASTE IN THE MIX, I'LL JUDGE IT MORE ON HOW I FIND IT AFTER A FEW SIPS, RATHER THAN THAT INITIAL SIP THAT WAS LIKE BEING PUNCHED IN THE FUCKING MOUTH. IT NOW TASTES CHALKY. LIKE IF I HAD SOME SORT OF GRAPE FLAVOURED VITAMIN TABLET. SULFUR BURP TASTE IS STILL PRESENT BUT TAMPED DOWN SIGNIFICANTLY THIS STUFF KIND OF SUCKS. GET LITERALLY ANY OTHER GRAPE FLAVOURED ENERGY DRINK (OKAY, MAYBE NOT THAT ONE). EVEN ALANI WILL BE ABLE TO HOOK YOU UP BETTER THAN THIS 3/10

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ALANI BREEZEBERRY

HERE IS ONE OF THE FEW MOMENTS WHERE BILINGUAL PACKAGING COMES IN HANDY. "WHAT THE FUCK IS BREEZEBERRY" VERSUS "OH, IT'S BLUE RASPBERRY" (NOT TO SAY THE BLUE RASPBERRIES ALL OVER THE CAN DIDN'T ALSO GIVE THAT AWAY) SMELLS LIKE CHEAP BLUE RASPBERRY. IF YOU DUMP A BUNCH OF BLUE RASPBERRY KOOL AID JAMMERS INTO A JUG AND HUFF IT, YOU'LL GET THIS SMELL. I SPEAK ON THIS MATTER FROM EXPERIENCE. AND IF I EQUATE ENERGY DRINKS TO KOOL AID JAMMERS A LOT, IT'S SIMPLY BECAUSE THAT'S MY GO TO FOR "CHEAP ARTIFICIAL DRINK" AND ALSO BECAUSE IT'S USUALLY TRUE AND ACCURATE YEAH, THAT'S BLUE RASPBERRY ALRIGHT. THE KOOL AID JAMMER COMPARISON KIND OF STOPS HERE, AS IT'S CARBONATED AND TASTES A BIT SHARPER THAN KOOL AID WOULD. BLUE RASPBERRY IS ALL ARTIFICIAL CHEMICAL FLAVOURS, SO IT TASTES THE SAME HERE AS IT DOES ANYWHERE ELSE. MELTED BLUE FREEZIE IS PROBABLY THE CLOSEST POINT OF COMPARISON, THOUGH THIS ALANI TASTES A BIT SHARPER THAN THAT WHETHER OR NOT YOU'LL CONSIDER THIS GOOD PRETTY MUCH SOLELY DEPENDS ON WHETHER YOU LIKE BLUE RASPBERRY. I THINK IT'S PRETTY DECENT. PROBABLY ONE OF THE BETTER ALANIS, TO BE HONEST 7/10

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RED BULL PEACH-NECTARINE

I WAS SHOCKED WHEN I LOOKED THROUGH MY RED BULL TAG AND SAW I HADN'T TRIED THIS ONE. TURNS OUT I HAVE, I JUST NEVER POSTED ABOUT IT BECAUSE I'D NOTED DOWN BARELY ANYTHING ABOUT IT WHEN I FIRST TRIED IT. HOWEVER, MY FEW THOUGHTS WERE POSITIVE, SO NO MYSTERY AS TO HOW THIS ONE WILL BE IT TASTES LIKE NECTARINE (UH, YEAH, I SURE HOPE IT DOES). IT SEEMS LIKE THEY HELD BACK A LITTLE ON THE SWEETNESS, PARTICULARLY FOR SOMETHING BILLING ITSELF AS NECTARINE, AND I VIEW THIS AS A POSITIVE: IT MAKES IT TASTE LIGHTER AND NICER TO SIP I CAN SEE WHY I DIDN'T HAVE MUCH TO SAY ON THIS ONE, IT'S NICE AND VERY STRAIGHTFORWARD. IF YOU WANT SOMETHING MILD AND PEACHY, HERE YOU GO. GIVE IT A TRY IF YOU WANT SOMETHING WITH A SMOOTH, LIGHT FLAVOUR 7.5/10

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ALANI PURPLE COTTON CANDY

THE FIRST THING I THOUGHT WHEN I SAW THE SWIRLY THING IN THE BOTTOM LEFT OF THE CAN WAS "INTESTINES," AND THE SECOND THING I THOUGHT WAS "FECES." BUT I DO NOT JUDGE THIS FINE ALANI BASED ON ITS CAN ART. HOW DOES IT TASTE? SMELLS SACCHARINE, LIKE IT'S GOING TO TASTE UNPLEASANTLY SWEET. THOUGH I'VE HAD A FEW DRINKS SMELL LIKE THAT BEFORE AND WIND UP TASTING MORE MILD, SO IT PROBABLY WON'T BE TOO BAD IN THAT AREA. ALSO SMELLS A BIT OF GRAPE NOW, I HAVE NOT HAD ONE IN A BAJILLION YEARS, SO I CANNOT SAY THIS IS AN ACCURATE COMPARISON--BUT FOR SOME REASON, THIS INSTANTLY PUT ME IN MIND OF A PURPLE CHUBBY SODA. ONE OF THOSE LITTLE FUCKERS THAT USED TO COME WITH LUNCHABLES

BUT PUTTING ASIDE THAT COMPARISON THAT I HAVE NO WAY OF VERIFYING THE ACCURACY OF, IT TASTES LIKE IF YOU TOOK GRAPE SODA, MADE IT A BIT TOO SWEET AND A BIT LESS GRAPE-Y, THEN ADDED IN THE TRADITIONAL ARTIFICIAL SWEETENER NOTES. THOUGH THERE'S AT LEAST NO UNPLEASANT OR LINGERING AFTERTASTE FROM SAID ARTIFICIAL SWEETENERS THE EXTRA SWEETNESS IS NO DOUBT THE EFFORT TO MAKE IT LIKE COTTON CANDY, THOUGH IT TAKES QUITE A FEW SIPS BEFORE YOU STOP GETTING STRONG NOTES OF ARTIFICIAL SWEETENER ON EVERY SIP. THOSE DON'T REALLY HELP PUSH THE COTTON CANDY ANY. ONCE YOU'VE GOTTEN PAST THAT, THOUGH, IT'S NOT TERRIBLE (NOTE: IF YOU ARE UNACCUSTOMED TO ARTIFICIAL SWEETENERS, LIKE THE ONE PERSON I FOISTED THIS ONE ON, YOU MAY FIND THIS ALANI EVEN MORE UNPLEASANT THAN I'VE INDICATED. SHE MADE A FACE OF GREAT DISGUST BEFORE TELLING ME SHE DID NOT LIKE IT) IF YOU LIKE GRAPE SODA, OR PURPLE FREEZIES, YOU'LL PROBABLY FIND THIS ONE ALRIGHT. GRAPE IS ALREADY A TRADITIONALLY AVERAGE, LAST-PICKED-IN-THE-ASSORTED-FLAVOURS-BOX TYPE FLAVOUR, AND I PERSONALLY FIND ALANI TO BE A VERY AVERAGE BRAND, SO IT FEELS LIKE A MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN. ONLY APPROPRIATE TO GIVE IT AN AVERAGE SCORE 6/10

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REIGN STORM MANGO

I DON'T HAVE AN ESPECIALLY LOFTY VIEW OF REIGN STORM, BUT AS LONG AS THEY DON'T DO AS BAD AS THEY DID ON THEIR HARVEST GRAPE ONE THEN IT SHOULD BE FINE SMELLS OF MANGO. SLIGHTLY ARTIFICIAL, BUT ONLY IF YOU ARE REALLY TRYING TO PICK IT UP. PRETTY DECENT IT'S GOT THAT SULFUROUS BURP FLAVOUR GOING ON AT FIRST SIP. SURE ENOUGH, ERYTHRITOL IS IN THE INGREDIENTS. RATHER GROSS, BUT FADES AFTER A FEW SIPS. AND WHAT IS LEFT AFTER THAT POINT? MILD AND MEDIOCRE MANGO FLAVOUR, ACCOMPANIED BY ARTIFICIAL SWEETENER TASTE--THE KIND THAT HAS THAT SLIGHT BITTER NOTE TO IT. IT ACTUALLY SORT OF REMINDS ME OF THE SORT OF PEACH FLAVOURING THEY USE IN CHEAP YOGURT MORE THAN MANGO IT STARTS OFF BAD AND WINDS UP BEING VERY MIDDLE OF THE ROAD. THERE ARE BETTER MANGO ENERGY DRINKS THAN THIS AVAILABLE, IF YOU REALLY WANT ONE. THOUGH I DON'T KNOW IF THERE ARE MANY SUGARFREE ONES THAT ARE ANY GOOD. ROCKSTAR PINEAPPLE MANGO BLAST IS FINE, IF YOU'RE UP FOR SOME PINEAPPLE IN THERE THE POINT IS THAT YOU CAN PICK SOMETHING BETTER. YOUR CHOICE, IT'S A DECISION YOU MAKE TO BE A GOOD GO-GETTER 4/10

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C4 CREAMSICLE

IT DOES SMELL OF ORANGE CREAMSICLE, ALBEIT FAINTLY, WHICH IS A PROMISING SIGN SWEETENER BLEND IS OVERLY SWEET. IT ALSO HAS A NOTICEABLE AND UNPLEASANT AFTERTASTE. AS YOU CONTINUE TO SIP IT, THE SWEETNESS BECOMES SLIGHTLY LESS EXCESSIVE, BUT THE ARTIFICIAL TASTE SEEMS TO ONLY RAMP UP. NOT GREAT THAT ASIDE, THE ORANGE CREAMSICLE FLAVOUR ITSELF IS PRETTY ACCURATE, SO IT AT LEAST HAS THAT RIGHT. BUT IT DEFINITELY ISN'T ENOUGH TO MAKE UP FOR THE TASTE OF THE SWEETENER. MAKES ME WISH I WAS DRINKING TWISTED LIMEADE, AND THAT ONE WASN'T EVEN THAT GREAT 4/10

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OOYA FROSTY BERRIES

OOYA IS GENERALLY PRETTY GOOD, BUT GENERIC BERRY FLAVOUR TENDS TO BE A MIXED BAG, SO THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE THIS'LL WIND UP BEING A PRETTY AVERAGE SCORE THE PLANT-Y SMELL OF THE OOYA MIXES WITH THE SMELL OF THE BERRY FLAVOUR IN AN ODD WAY THAT WINDS UP SMELLING ALMOST LIKE A NUTRIGRAIN BAR

THERE IS A BITTER, FACE SCRUNCHING NOTE TO THE FIRST FEW SIPS, WHICH IS PRETTY UNPLEASANT. THE BERRY FLAVOUR IS JUST ABOUT WHAT YOU'D EXPECT OF ANY CHEAP GENERIC BERRY FLAVOURING, WHICH IS TO SAY IT ISN'T OFFENSIVE, BUT IT ISN'T PARTICULARLY APPEALING THE BITTERNESS MELLOWS OUT AFTER A BIT, SO IT BECOMES DRINKABLE, BUT THE BERRY FLAVOUR SIMPLY ISN'T VERY GOOD. IT'S MEDIOCRE ENOUGH THAT I WAS FORCED TO STOP AND GO BACK TO CHECK THAT OOYA REALLY WAS A GOOD DRINK THAT I LIKED AND I DIDN'T JUST MAKE THE WHOLE THING UP, BECAUSE IT TASTES MORE LIKE SOME CRAP GUAYAKI WOULD PUT OUT SKIP THIS ONE. IF YOU WANT AN OOYA, GET THE ORIGINAL FLAVOUR. IF YOU WANT SOMETHING BERRY, GET WILD BERRY RED BULL. THIS SCREWS UP THE APPEAL OF EITHER 4/10

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C4 TWISTED LIMEADE

I DON'T KNOW IF THE INCREASE IN THE AMOUNT OF C4 ENERGY DRINKS ON THE SHELVES IS DUE TO INCREASED ROLLOUT IN CANADA AS A WHOLE, OR JUST IN MY AREA SPECIFICALLY. PROBABLY THE LATTER. WHATEVER THE CASE, I'VE ONLY SEEN IT BEING STOCKED IN PRETTY MUCH ANY STORE IN THE PAST FEW MONTHS, AND IT'S SPREADING FROM STORE TO STORE I LIKE LIME, AND IT'S USUALLY DIFFICULT TO FUCK UP CITRUS FLAVOURS TOO BAD, SO I HAVE FAITH THAT THIS ONE WILL BE AT LEAST DECENT. POTENTIALLY EVEN PRETTY GOOD SMELLS VERY FAINT, BUT THERE IS A HINT OF LIME THERE AND NO UNPLEASANTNESS THAT I CAN DETECT. SEEMING PRETTY GOOD SO FAR YEP, THAT'S LIME ALRIGHT. PRETTY MILD; NOT QUITE AS WEAK AS FLAVOURED SPARKLING WATER, BUT PRETTY CLOSE. TASTES NOTICEABLY ARTIFICIAL, BUT NOT DISGUSTINGLY OR UNPLEASANTLY SO. I SUPPOSE WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS THAT THE LIME TASTES A LITTLE FAKE, BUT THE SWEETENER BLEND DOESN'T GIVE IT A FOUL TASTE IF THERE WERE A LIME FLAVOURED, SUGAR FREE KOOL AID JAMMER, IT WOULD PROBABLY TASTE A LOT LIKE THIS. (THERE IS LIME KOOL AID, SO WHAT I'M DESCRIBING PROBABLY EXISTS, BUT I HAVEN'T HAD IT. SO IT REMAINS A HYPOTHETICAL)

OVERALL, NOT BAD. ENJOYABLE IN AN UNDERSTATED SORT OF WAY, BUT NOT FLAVOURFUL ENOUGH THAT I'D SPRING FOR IT OVER SOME OF THE OTHER, MORE POPULAR ENERGY DRINKS, UNLESS I WAS IN A MOOD FOR SOMETHING VERY MILD AND OF COURSE, GIVEN I'M TALKING ABOUT A LIME ENERGY DRINK, I CAN'T GO WITHOUT SAYING THAT RED BULL SUDACHI LIME DOES A MUCH BETTER JOB. BUT IF I WERE OFFERED THE CHOICE BETWEEN THIS AND, SAY, A WHITE MONSTER (OR ABOUT HALF OF THE MONSTER ULTRA FLAVOURS AVAILABLE, HONESTLY), THEN I'D PICK THE C4 6/10

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CELSIUS ELECTRIC VIBE

THE CAN LOOKS COOL. HOWEVER, IT'S A CELSIUS. THAT MEANS IT'S PROBABLY GOING TO BE VERY AVERAGE. THEY NEVER SEEM TO PARTICULARLY EXCEL SMELLS LIKE A TROPICAL SCENTED CANDLE. WHICH IS TO SAY IT'S DISTINCTLY TROPICAL, BUT HAS A WEIRD ARTIFICIAL NOTE TO IT THAT MAKES IT LESS THAN DESIRABLE NOT A POWERFUL TROPICAL FLAVOUR. MOSTLY, THAT JUST TASTES KIND OF FUCKED UP. IT TASTES REALLY WEIRD IN A WAY THAT I DON'T EXPERIENCE A LOT IN ENERGY DRINKS AND I AM ACTUALLY STRUGGLING TO PUT IT INTO WORDS IF I ACCIDENTALLY INGESTED A BIT OF AIR FRESHENER--PUTTING ASIDE THE OVERWHELMING PERFUME-Y FLAVOUR THAT IT WOULD IMPART--I THINK IT WOULD TASTE A BIT LIKE THAT. LIKE A WEIRD CHEMICAL YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE IN YOUR MOUTH. IT'S MORE OF A STRANGE MOUTHFEEL THAN AN ACTUAL FLAVOUR BUT ASIDE FROM THE WEIRD MOUTHFEEL, IT'S A MEDIOCRE, RATHER WEAK TROPICAL FLAVOUR. ONCE THE NOVELTY OF TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THE FIRST FEW SIPS IS GONE, IT'S MILDLY SUCKY IN THE SAME WAY AS MOST OTHER CELSIUS FLAVOURS. PROBABLY WORTH TRYING ONCE FOR THE WEIRDNESS FACTOR, BUT NOT WORTH A REPEAT PURCHASE 4.5/10

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JAVA MONSTER MEAN BEAN

THIS IS GOING TO TASTE VERY SIMILAR TO LOCA MOCA, THAT'S MY GUESS. SURE, IT'S A DIFFERENT FLAVOUR AND DOESN'T HAVE ALL THE COCOA AND WHATNOT THAT MADE THE OTHER ONE MOCHA, BUT IT'S JUST GONNA TASTE LIKE A WEIRD COFFEE DRINK IN A CAN SMELLS LIKE LOCA MOCA BUT WITHOUT THE WEIRDNESS. SO BASICALLY JUST SMELLS LIKE A COFFEE FLAVOURED CANDY. PRETTY NICE THAT'S ACTUALLY MORE PLEASANT THAN LOCA MOCA. WITHOUT ALL OF THE SHIT THEY THREW IN TO TRY TO MAKE IT MOCHA, IT STILL TASTES LIKE A SWEET COFFEE DRINK, BUT A BIT MILDER/CLEANER AND WITH SIGNIFICANTLY LESS AFTERTASTE I'M NOT AGAINST MOCHA AS A CONCEPT; ON THE FEW OCCASIONS I'VE GOTTEN HOT COFFEE WHILE OUT AND ABOUT, I'VE HAD MOCHA AND PREFERRED IT. BUT EVIDENTLY, MONSTER SPECIFICALLY CAN'T DO MOCHA. STICK WITH THE MEAN BEAN OR PERHAPS TRY WHATEVER CANNED STUFF STARBUCKS IS PEDDLING. MY FRIEND HAS TOLD ME THOSE ARE BETTER AS FAR AS PREFAB COFFEE DRINKS GO, BUT I PROBABLY WON'T TRY THEM; I ONLY REALLY EVEN TRIED THIS BECAUSE I WANTED TO TRY A NEW MONSTER, RATHER THAN ANY GREAT DESIRE FOR A CANNED COFFEE DRINK 7/10

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GHOST ENERGY CHERRY LIMEADE

I DO QUITE LIKE CHERRY LIMEADE, BUT BASED ON THE OTHER GHOST I TRIED, I FEEL LIKE THEY'RE GOING TO OVERDO IT ON THE SWEETNESS A LITTLE BIT. BUT THERE'S NO WAY TO KNOW FOR SURE UNTIL I GIVE IT A TRY THAT SMELLS A BIT UNEXPECTED. LIKE HALFWAY BETWEEN WHAT I SMELL WHEN COOKING WITH CHOKECHERRY AND CHERRY COUGH SYRUP. DEFINITELY CHERRY, BUT NOT PARTICULARLY PLEASANT BUT AS WITH THE OTHER ONE, THE SMELL DOES NOT REFLECT THE TASTE, AND IT DOES NOT TASTE AS OFFPUTTING. I QUITE LIKE WHAT THEY'VE DONE WITH THE CHERRY HALF OF THE FLAVOUR. THE LIME COULD BE SLIGHTLY MORE FORWARD, BUT IS STILL PRETTY NICE THERE IS, HOWEVER, A WEIRD AND RATHER LINGERING AFTERTASTE. IT'S THE KIND OF ARTIFICIAL SWEETENER THAT REALLY SITS ON YOUR TONGUE, SACCHARINE AND CHEMICAL. WHICH SUCKS, BECAUSE THIS IS VERY CLOSE TO BEING REALLY GOOD OTHERWISE IS THIS GHOST'S WHOLE THING? MAKING DRINKS THAT ARE ALMOST REALLY GOOD, BUT THEN ADDING IN SOME FATAL FLAW? IT'S NOT ENOUGH TO RUIN THE DRINK BUT EVERY TIME I SWALLOW IT AND I FEEL THE SWEETENER TASTE IN THE BACK OF MY MOUTH IT JUST FEELS A BIT DISAPPOINTING 6.5/10

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JAVA MONSTER LOCA MOCA

I HAVE NOT TRIED ANY CANNED COFFEE DRINKS THAT I CAN RECALL. I'LL HAVE THE OCCASIONAL ICE CAP FROM TIM HORTONS, SO I'VE HAD COLD COFFEE DRINKS, BUT NEVER ANYTHING FROM A CAN. CERTAINLY NOT ANYTHING WITH MONSTER AS WELL. WE'LL SEE HOW IT GOES IT SMELLS WEIRD. LIKE COLD COFFEE, BUT KIND OF GROSS. NOT GREAT AND IT TASTES... LIKE COLD COFFEE, UNSURPRISINGLY. THERE ARE A FEW COFFEE FLAVOURED CANDIES I'VE TRIED, WHITE RABBIT AND KOPIKO AMONG THEM. I'D SAY THIS TASTES VERY MUCH LIKE MELTED DOWN KOPIKO, THOUGH WITH A SLIGHT ARTIFICIAL SWEETENER AFTERTASTE--WHICH I AM PROBABLY NOTICING MORE DUE TO THE COFFEE FLAVOUR AS OPPOSED TO A MORE TYPICAL ENERGY DRINK FLAVOUR

FOR A SECOND OPINION: I GAVE A SIP TO SOMEONE WHO ONLY DRINKS COFFEE AND DOES NOT REALLY DO ENERGY DRINKS (OR CANNED COFFEE DRINKS) AND THEY SAID IT TASTED LIKE WEIRD COFFEE AND WAS ALRIGHT. SO MORE OR LESS THE SAME VIEW IT'S OKAY. I DON'T LIKE IT AS MUCH AS I WOULD A REGULAR, HOT COFFEE. OR AN ICE CAP. OR A KOPIKO. BUT IT'S ALRIGHT. FRANKLY I THINK I MIGHT JUST NOT LIKE CANNED COLD COFFEE VERY MUCH, BUT IF YOU'RE MORE INCLINED TOWARDS COLD COFFEE DRINKS THEN YOU'D PROBABLY FIND THIS SUITABLE 6/10

...AND YET, THE QUESTION REMAINS: WHAT IF IT WASN'T COLD? WHAT IF THE COFFEE ENERGY DRINK WAS HOT? I PUT IT IN A MUG, MICROWAVED IT FOR A LITTLE UNDER A MINUTE AND A HALF AND TRIED IT NOT THAT BAD. I'M DEBATING OVER WHETHER IT'S AN IMPROVEMENT. WHEN IT'S HOT, I FEEL LIKE I'M ASSESSING IT MUCH MORE AS A COFFEE THAN AN ENERGY DRINK, AND IT TASTES VERY MUCH LIKE COFFEE WITH A BUNCH OF ARTIFICIAL SHIT DUMPED IN IT. LIKE, IF INSTEAD OF USING CREAMER, YOU USED A BUNCH OF THAT COFFEE WHITENER JUNK ALSO, THE BLURB ON THE SIDE IS TRYING TO SPIN THEMSELVES AS SOME SORT OF BADASS ALTERNATIVE TO REGULAR COFFEE AND TALKING ABOUT "COFFEEHOUSE BS"

THEY SOUND ABOUT AS BADASS HERE AS THEY DID WHEN THEY WERE TRYING TO BE COOL ON THE SIDE OF THE MONSTER ASSAULT CAN. WHICH IS TO SAY THAT THEY SOUND LAME AS FUCK. PUT YOUR DICK AWAY, MONSTER JAVA, YOU AREN'T THE COOL NEW KID WHO'S GOING TO TURN THE SCHOOL ON ITS HEAD. YOU'RE AN AVERAGE-TO-MEDIOCRE COFFEE BEVERAGE

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GHOST SOUR PINK LEMONADE

I HAVE SEEN THIS BRAND AROUND ONLINE FOR A BIT NOW, BUT THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I HAVE ACTUALLY SEEN IT APPEAR ON THE SHELF. SINCE I'VE NEVER TRIED ANYTHING FROM GHOST BEFORE I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT LEVEL OF QUALITY TO EXPECT IT DOES SMELL OF PINK LEMONADE, BUT ONLY IN THE MOST ARTIFICIAL, CLOYING SWEET VEIN POSSIBLE. I AM NOW QUITE WORRIED IT'S GOING TO BE A REIGN SOUR GUMMY WORM TYPE EXPERIENCE THANKFULLY, THE TASTE IS NOT AS BAD AS IT SMELLS. DEFINITELY NOT ON THE LEVEL OF REIGN'S OFFERING; THEY PUT UP QUITE A HORRIBLE PERFORMANCE THAT IS DIFFICULT TO MATCH. I'D STILL CALL THIS A BIT OVERLY SWEET, BUT APART FROM THAT, I WOULDN'T SAY THE FLAVOUR IS HORRIBLE. IT DOES TASTE LIKE PINK LEMONADE AND WHILE I'M NOT THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO WANTS WARHEADS TIER SOUR IN THEIR DRINK, EVEN I THINK THIS COULD GO A LITTLE BIT HARDER ON THE SOUR ANGLE. IT ISN'T EXCESSIVELY LACKING IN SOURNESS, JUST SLIGHTLY SHORT UNFORTUNATELY, THERE IS A BIT OF ARTIFICIAL SWEETENER TASTE AND THE TASTE LINGERS FOR QUITE AWHILE. THIS DRINK FEELS LIKE IT'S GOT POTENTIAL BUT IS VERY ROUGH AROUND THE EDGES. ALL OF THAT BEING SAID, IT'S STILL BETTER THAN THE LAST ROCKSTAR I TRIED 6/10

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ROCKSTAR ZERO SUGAR STRAWBERRY LEMONADE

THE CORNER STORE DELIVERS YET ANOTHER UNTRIED FLAVOUR FOR MY DELECTATION. I CAN'T IMAGINE IT'LL BE BETTER THAN THEIR OTHER ZERO SUGAR LEMONADE I TRIED, WHICH WAS RATHER MEDIOCRE, BUT THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT SMELLS PRETTY STRAWBERRY-Y, IN A PRETTY ARTIFICIAL WAY. IF THERE WAS SOME SORT OF STRAWBERRY SCENTED SILLY PUTTY FOR SALE, IT WOULD PROBABLY SMELL A LOT LIKE THIS ARTIFICIAL SWEETENER TASTE IS PRESENT, THOUGH IT AT LEAST DOES THE COURTESY OF NOT STICKING AROUND FOR VERY LONG AFTER SWALLOWING. FADES AFTER A FEW SIPS, TOO AS FOR THE REST OF THE FLAVOUR, IT'S WEIRDLY AMBIGUOUS. IF YOU READ THE CAN AND YOU KNOW IT'S GOING FOR STRAWBERRY LEMONADE, YOU'LL GET IT, BUT IT TASTES ALMOST SMUDGED, FOR LACK OF A BETTER WORD. MORE GENERICALLY SWEET WITH A HINT OF ARTIFICIAL STRAWBERRY THAN ANYTHING, WITH LEMON VERY MUCH IN THE BACKGROUND. IF YOU LIKE A TART OR SOUR LEMONADE, THIS ONE DEFINITELY ISN'T THE ONE FOR YOU, BECAUSE IT'S ALL SWEET THIS ONE STUMPED ME FOR A BIT BECAUSE IT IS VERY, VERY AVERAGE, AND I WAS STRUGGLING TO PINPOINT HOW I FELT ABOUT SOMETHING WITH SO FEW GOOD OR BAD QUALITIES. IF YOUR ONLY DESIRED QUALITIES IN AN IDEAL DRINK ARE "SWEET" AND "MILD AMOUNT OF ARTIFICIAL STRAWBERRY" THEN THIS IS THE ONE FOR YOU. OTHERWISE YOU'LL PROBABLY JUST THINK NOTHING AT IT 5.5/10

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MONSTER ULTRA WILD PASSION

PASSION FRUIT IS ONE OF THOSE THINGS I'VE ONLY EVER REALLY HAD AS A FLAVOUR COMPLEMENTING OTHER FLAVOURS, SO THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I CAN REMEMBER HAVING SOMETHING THAT'S WHOLLY PASSION FRUIT FOCUSED. HAVING NEVER EATEN A REAL PASSION FRUIT, THIS'LL ALSO BE PRETTY MUCH MY ONLY FRAME OF REFERENCE FOR WHAT IT TASTES LIKE ON ITS OWN VERY FAINT SMELL THAT CONTAINS THE BAREST WHIFF OF SOMETHING FRUITY TASTES OF IMPLACABLE, ALMOST GENERIC FRUIT FLAVOUR. MAYBE HALFWAY BETWEEN GUAVA AND THE ARTIFICIAL TROPICAL FLAVOUR YOU ENCOUNTER IN CHEAP CANDIES AND DRINKS NOT BAD. YOU GET A MILD, SWEET, FRUITY FLAVOUR THAT ISN'T TOO WEIRD, WITH ARTIFICIAL SWEETENER FLAVOUR THAT IS PRESENT ENOUGH TO KEEP YOU AWARE THAT YOU'RE DRINKING A ZERO SUGAR DRINK WITHOUT BEING REALLY BAD LIKE SOME DRINKS DO IT THIS MONSTER ULTRA TASTES LIKE A FLAVOUR CELSIUS WOULD MAKE ON A GOOD DAY. THERE ARE PLENTY OF OTHER MONSTER FLAVOURS THAT I WOULD PICK OVER THIS, BUT I WOULDN'T TURN MY NOSE UP AT THIS IF GIVEN A CAN 6.5/10

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YERBA MADRE WATERMELON

APPARENTLY THIS FLAVOUR IS CALLED "WATERMELODY" IN THE US, BUT CANADA IS NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE MUSICAL REFERENCES IN ANY FOOD RELATED PRODUCT HERE UNDER PAIN OF DEATH, SO IT'S JUST CALLED WATERMELON HERE SMELLS OF VERY SWEET ARTIFICIAL WATERMELON. DEFINITELY NOT GOING TO GET A MILD SORT OF WATERMELON FLAVOUR, I THINK; THIS SMELLS LIKE IT'S GOING TO TASTE LIKE YOU TOOK A BUNCH OF THOSE GUMMY WATERMELON CANDIES AND MELTED THEM DOWN INTO A SYRUP

THANK GOD, I WAS WRONG; IT DOES NOT TASTE AS STRONG AS IT SMELLED. THE WATERMELON FLAVOUR IS ACTUALLY VERY MILD, AND UNLIKE THE ORANGE FLAVOUR, IT DOES NOT TASTE LIKE ACID REFLUX IT DOES HAVE A SLIGHT BIT OF FUNKINESS TO IT IN A SIMILAR SORT OF VEIN TO THE ORANGE, BUT IT'S ONLY FOR A MOMENT AFTER YOUR FIRST SIP AND IT FADES WITHIN A SECOND OR TWO. BUT WHILE IT AVOIDS THE GROSSNESS OF THE ORANGE, IT DOESN'T REALLY HAVE MUCH GOING FOR IT OTHERWISE. IT'S A VERY WATERY TASTING DRINK. I GUESS IF YOU WANT SOME YERBA MATE BUT YOU DON'T WANT YOUR EXPERIENCE TO BE SULLIED BY SUCH THINGS AS FLAVOUR, THEN THIS IS THE ONE TO PICK THIS IS WORSE THAN THE MINT FLAVOUR, BUT I CAN'T RATE IT TOO LOW BECAUSE IT JUST DOESN'T TASTE LIKE MUCH. SO IT GETS A VERY MIDDLE OF THE ROAD SCORE 5.5/10 (ALSO, THEY CHANGED THEIR BRAND NAME? FUUUUCK, NOW WHAT DO I TAG THIS AS? WHATEVER, I'LL TAG IT AS THEIR OLD NAME AND THEIR NEW NAME)